I've been drinking a lot but I'm alright. Been thinking a lot about tonight and how it hangs over my head like clock pieces. This isn't one of those deep in thought pieces or even, "at least I thought," pieces.. I haven't thought about words in a while. Maybe just hers. They made me smile and absurd it may seem that from a night of 5 minutes comes 5 weeks of daydreams but it happens and I'm as surprised as you were. True words would have been nice then as they hurt now but I'm trying to get back to equilibrium best I can. The feeling of balance between joy and pain because I've been told I would get some of each but the it's more of the same and the former seems out of reach. Now, don't get it confused because I haven't had a bad life at all now, just enough of the bad thoughts  being my last thoughts and the fact that I couldn't seem to write them all down or write at all now with just a ***** week I thought I might seek some solace in words I'll try and type and see them all come out now. A 3:47 AM rant, when anything happening in that early of the AM can't be too coherent, I stumble through editing in hollow hopes you'll ever hear this. I've never been the type to make myself stand out or feel distinguished but know that with the right words now, I really do mean this.

I'm getting asked a lot more often as I enter my mid 20s, "What do you want to be?" And I always think, with a question like that to a guy like me, what are you expecting my answer to be? Some long winded rant where I want to change the world or eliminate poverty and be the leader when all this occurs? All noble causes but with each time asked, I'm finding I'm giving longer pauses because there's something bigger and better first. If I'm going to start this change, my heart should be coming first so if you ask me what I want to be, my only answer is:

Hers.

In moments I sit, saying you're over us

Before understanding that I dread our next time, when at "next time" you're over us.

To the girl that made me smile with nothing more than her presence.
To the girl that made me feel bad with each and all of her presents.
And who took this kid in to rid him of his hesitance
I will propose a toast. As these words are evident.

To that one beautiful girl with nothing like anyone else
Because she's the one that gave me the most, more than I ever gave myself
To that girl I couldn't leave because I know how that pain had felt
I will propose. Through sickness and in health.

I'd give up my left arm to always be right beside her. My right arm for her to know she's what I have left and both arms to be able to hug her when's she away. I just don't think I have enough to give to get the courage to tell her when she's here.

Took a lot of self reflection
With a lot of second guessing
to realize that I really kind of ****.

My mind would tell me "compromise"
Then my mouth would shout a bunch of lies
And my brain just goes "what the..duck"

I don't know why I do it
I mean i think the point's been proven
That illusion just seems to suit me best

So I'm left feeling pretty stupid
And obviously just really useless
But that's only one part, what about the rest?

I try and get more hugs and kisses
But end up with more swings and misses
And the ratio is going down quick

I try to fix me mentally
But from everything you're telling me
I should just go **** a dude's...lemon

Sure, it's oversimplified
Of course there's more than "I just lied"
To cement why we didn't work it out.

What if I just told you guys
That after all the times I tried
"The stupid" in me just leaves her with more doubt

And going unaddressed
Is something that I will confess
Can't be done when you're old like me

So through all the pain and  stress
You just try and do your best
And end up like..a..cat..out to sea..

But..all the time to ruminate
Over all the stuff I really hate
About myself that I didn't fix fast

I'll take this time to meditate
To someday maybe mediate
A date that she won't throw you on your ***.

Obviously, this girl was perfect
And by any measure totally worth it
That's why it's weird she let you just walk

So I know your reason
But from what she's seeing
Don't hold your breath if you're waiting to finally talk.

I find it hard to concentrate
when all I do is sit and wait
because nothing can alleviate the stress.

Anxiety is setting in
So I'm at it with the pen again
In hopes I can sort out this ******* mess.

Apologies for the fast pace,
It feels slow in last place
It's a **** shame when your helping hand's a drink.
I need a joy to see, the room's like 98 degrees so its hard for me to get it back in sync.

I want to write a poem on how I feel about you. I really do. I doubt you'd hate it, just because that's really not you. You're always supportive of my dumb decisions and the choices I make within them. You've always been sweetest when it comes to...anything so why would this be any different? But what do you say to the girl that takes your breath away? To the girl in your life that makes every day with her seem to not be long enough and make every day without her make me not feel strong enough and it's hard to focus on things. I want to tell that girl that I'd do anything for her and I hope she feels the same because I love the feeling that that idea brings, and I love the way she talks, and she can talk about anything. So what do you do for the girl that has given you everything you've wanted and asked for nothing but time in return? That's a question I need to ask her, and I hope I have a lot of time to learn.

I'm not alone by any means but I stare at the phone in the hope it rings as my mind sways back and forth between beautiful nightmares and tattered dreams. A crafted scene of an awkward teen becoming a more awkward adult but with spending power. Spending hours looking at his phone and spending time alone when he'd like to be spending ours at least hours away from his own home where it barely rains but always showers. I mean, spend an hour in my shoes and you'll see there's not much there but a size 12 sole that's built not to falter but take a 23 year old soul with dreams of going to the altar in the next 5 years and watch the soul crumble over hysterical mumbles while he stares at his phone another night with a hoping for vibration rumbles. Time, thanks, thoughts and those ideas that creep in at night  you think are right even though you know they're not...

I just can't be doing this in my 40s.