I wish I knew what being perfect felt like
the ability to grab eyes when I walk in the room
I wish I was never forced to be the villain
I wish my present wasn’t so affected by my pasts’ opinions
I wish my dad actually cared enough to come around more
I wish my feelings weren’t so ignored

I wish the family I knew was the family that still exists
maybe I wouldn’t feel so alienated
I wish i still had the heart to repair what’s already gone
& return back to the home that my heart belongs
I wish i didn’t fear love so much & embraced it more
I wish I could give my life so my loved ones could live more

I often wake up in tears but can never explain it
I hate myself in every form & I hate it
sometimes I see myself on this mountain looking back
at everything that’s happened prior getting here
then ask myself, “Why am I still here?” when I feel incomplete
& the only time I vent is in my sleep causing me to cry endlessly
I feel like I’m by myself although I’m surrounded by love
but in the end, would they love me more if I wasn’t here
I bring joy to those I love to hide that I’m not okay
but they have enough on their plate so I remain silent
then at night when I close my eyes & drown in the waterfalls of my sorrows
I wanna be happy but happiness doesn’t come without sadness
& unfortunately, I’m trapped in a world that’s full of evil & madness
I could share my tears with one of my close friends
but who cares enough to keep me from putting this life to an end
I’ve been at war with my own mind since I was a kid
I keep looking for an escape but every turn is a dead end
& I’m tired of calling on alcohol & sleep aid as a friend
If only you knew how many times I’ve driven my fist into a wall
or how many times I’ve tried to consume more than 150 mgs of sleeping pills
still wishing for an overdose cause I don’t wanna wake up again
to face that demon in the mirror that I’ve called my friend
with the only thing stopping me is the pain it’ll cause my mother
can’t bring it to myself to hurt her way worse than the others

I used to think it was my biggest loss in the world
to lose the one person that brought me into this world
but going back to think about it, you're the loser here
for walking away from a blessing with the pain being severe
never mind the issues with you & my mom, I'm not apart of that
you owe me enough to guide me thru life but avoided that
I can't understand the idea of not raising my seed
grooming him perfectly to be fit respectfully as a king
with some lessons being better taught by men
"I gave birth to you so it's my job to help you win"
not a single birthday card or phone call to be sent
just that $80 a week on child support spent
you loss out on a miracle, a blessing to be exact
making him grow to disliking you, you gotta live with that
used to be sorry for being your son but it's not me
to tell a dad about his responsibilities
you created a monster that turned into a gem
that soon a monster & slowly becoming HIM
hope you're proud of me dad cause I made it
I now love the creation that spent my life hating

Stability, electric, & comfortability
with the candles lit along with R&B
the vibe you getting more close to me
but I don't need to take off clothes
kiss your lips or wrap your legs around me
Just need the sound of your voice
along with your trust instilled in me
with me sitting back allowing you to safely
be yourself, there's no catch with me
if you need to cry or laugh, feel free
it's the small things that I wanna see
the small things others don't get to see
that side of you that you only gift to me
the side of you that comes alive with me
the side of you that doesn't need me
but with my help, it becomes magic
you don't feel judged or backed in a corner
more like a friend with a lending shoulder
that vibe alone is the best of me
cause it's the best type of intimacy
the type of space where you feel safe with me
the type of space where you fall in love with me

It’s not about the *** or the love making but about the connection
when we share our love & get lost within the expression
just the idea of alone of sitting down without any interruptions
understanding one another to avoid any future dysfunction
we both want the same thing & both share the same passion
of bonding thru vibes, sharing tears of feelings, or even laughing
the closer I get to you, the more you make me feel
shocked with excitement with the peace that you don’t conceal
like I’m on top of the world with nothing else mattering much
with the electricity in the air lighting up the room even without a touch
it’s the smallest gestures that make the biggest impact
something that can’t be explained & can surely never be matched
for whether we talk throughout the night or just sit within the silence
with you, I can never feel like I’m off course cause you are my balance
Love, Peace, Comfortability, & butterflies is what we feel inside
but that’s what happens when 2 rare & unique souls collide

You’re precious but even my words leave you unconvinced
you’ve been destroyed by love & haven’t been the same since
a solid one that’s for sure but you’re often unappreciated
feeling like a source of lust cause most love these days are undedicated
it’s sad that the only love you’ve ever known was abuse
verbally & physically with unprovoked rage used as an excuse
you cook, you clean, then deal with all the toxicity from the outside world
doing wifely things for a man when you’re not even his girl
hurts my heart to watch a masterpiece often sit silently while she suffers
cause she knows is broken promises, blocked calls, & broken rubbers
rain on me, put your pain on me, you feel lost & lonely
wanted love in the highest quality to only become another body
You’re way too **** precious to let men treat you so ugly
delivered love on time, every time in the highest quality
a diamond in the rough that’s been ignored a little too much
a treasure for a king that should be treated as such
so forgive me on behalf of all those who disregarded your value
an high quality object but most have only degraded its volume

This is the poem where I appear ecstatic
only to distract you from the truth
trying to keep my head clear but still there's static
trying to bring back my youth

This is the poem where I tell you I'm fine
but I'm lying, I'm down on my knees
begging please to the highest power above
that I'm relived from this hell & grant me love

This is the poem where I tell you I've won
the battle with my demons but I still hold the plug
in hand, just waiting for the moment to say F**k it,
take the head jack & unplug it

This is the poem where I tell you I'll be okay
when in fact, I won't be & I give my ending a delay
cause although I want it to end, the guilt kills me
of making my family bury me but I hope they forgive me