It’s dark and I can’t find your hand
I feel weak and I can hardly stand
You were the light of my darkness
Save me from life and it’s harshness
I’ve lost joy, love, and hope
Without you I’m not sure that I can cope
Said you stay but I can’t feel you
My heart is turning black and blue
I’ve bled all of my bathroom floor
Suicidal thoughts get to me more and more
Used to drink to let go of the pain
Now I take long walks in the rain
Played me like I’m some sort of game
I trusted you, so I’m the one to blame
I’m not perfect, sorry to disappoint
I try, but I don’t see the point
You gave up on me so easily
I’d love you for all of eternity
But you let me go, you set me free
Doing my best to be the best me
It’s hard cause the best part of me was you
Now I’m not sure what to do
I hate that you said you’d stay
Because I didn’t expect it would end this way

There’s a lot of things in my head for eternity
There’s good and a lot of bad but all memory
Watching omega take his last breath
So young, watching my best friend’s death
Neighbor poisoned him, he slowly died out
Wake up every night mid scream or shout
Dreaming about opening my room door
Seeing my brother unconscious on the floor
Overdosed, so many thoughts inside my head
Crying on the floor is my brother really dead
Checked on his chest and he wasn’t breathing
Checking for his pulse is his heart still beating
Thankfully it was, barely any air in his lungs
Happy our mother didn’t lose one of her sons
My mom wasn’t in the best relationship either
Stepdad was a drug addict and a child beater
Fought little kids because he wasn’t a man
I’d drop him dead now but back then I ran
One night I watched him choke my mom
Situations like that it’s hard to stay calm
Her body hit the floor and went limp
Had to choose to be heroic or be a wimp
I drug her out the house and down the street
Fell on my knees screaming at the concrete
That’s probably my worst childhood memory
Mentally tore out a piece of me
Fast forward, find out I’m going to foster care
Life changed dramatically I couldn’t bare
Climbed up to the roof and saw omega’s grave
Leaped off, don’t know if i was stupid or brave
Wanted to die, only hurt my leg so I cried
Uncle asked if everything was alright, I lied
Over the years I’ve attempted five times
With pills, heights, and even a razor blade
Even went to Crescent Pines for mental aid
I’ll never forget these moments
They were some of my biggest opponents
However I’ve made it through
Everyday is an opportunity for something new
I’m thankful to be here and I’m grateful for you
Best of luck, may all your dreams come true

There’s no point in throwing an insult my way
I’ve told myself the worse things there is to say
Yeah I’ve done some terrible things in the past
And each time it’s worst than my last
I’ve casted aside my feelings
Dove into a bottle for new beginnings
Attempted on multiple occasions
Hate the fact that I’m seen as a caucasian
Grow out my hair to cover up my face
I’m insecure and more fragile than a vase
On the brink of depression and insanity
Can’t find love so I stay in a fantasy
Been in conflict yeah I’ve been in fights
Inside my head at night there’s only fright
Torn apart from my suicidal thoughts
Blood on my wrists red like tomato sauce
I wonder how long I have left before I fall
Til cops have to clean my brains off the wall
Until the haters get what they want this year
Until my friends hear what they really fear
That little old me finally isn’t here
But let me make something clear
I don’t wanna die well me as a majority
Part of me is dead even if it’s a minority
It’s growing very slowly but it’s still growing
Trying hard but these thoughts aren’t going
Dream about my death two times a week
People think I’m strong but truly I’m weak
Could die today or in years it could be either
What’s that, you don’t like me? Me neither

Never thought I’d say this but you were right
In love with being sad so I sit here and write
I could never be loved cause I’m chaotic
Everyone can tell you that guy is psychotic
Every night having mental breakdowns
Underwater for years it’s time I drown
I miss brushing your hair behind your ear
Kissing your forehead and telling you I’m here
Here to stay
Here to say whatever you need me to say
I miss our late night walks to the park
Held my hand tight we were scared of the dark
Pushed you on the swing
Cuddled while you’d sing
Our favorite song
Wish I could move on
I miss our petty arguments
Like the time we fought in a tent
About what to name our future daughter
***** to know I won’t be her father
I would’ve chosen Faith
But you wanted to name her Grace
I’d name her Grace just to see you smile
Ever since you left I’ve been alone for awhile
I thought about the night at the lake
You fell asleep on me, I waited for you to wake
The sky above us was so beautiful
However staring at you was so more suitable
My girl, my heart, the one holding onto my soul
Couldn’t picture a life where we didn’t grow old
I’m sorry I blew that chance
I’m sorry we never had that last dance
I’d give anything just to be with you
I miss you.

Do you know how it feels
To wake up everyday wishing you didn’t
Because after all you’ve done it never heals
After everything you’d think death’d take a hint
Waking up after nightmares on nightmares
I actually don’t like having nice dreams
I’m screaming out for help but no one cares
My suicidal thoughts are getting extreme
Argued with one of the main reason I’m alive
Every time it feels like I’m being stabbed inside
Been trapped for awhile it’s a surprise I survive
Looking around, no ones by my side
People say that they’re here for me
But when I cry out no one responds
Wish I was nothing more than a memory
Feel like drowning myself in a pond
Went from being a hopeless romantic
To flinching at even the thought of love
A story more depressing than the titanic
A tale no one ever wants to speaks of
Everyone wants to focus on the good times
Like a first kiss, but to me it’s haunting
Continuing to try is like committing crimes
No one ever answers so I’ve stopped calling
I don’t care what happens to me anymore
I could get shot in the heart right now
My blood leaking all over the floor
And I wouldn’t even bother to ask how
I’d just watch as this hole in my heart is torn
These are the thoughts my mind has been on
Wonder how many people would really mourn
I’m tired of holding on, it’s time that I’m gone

I’m sorry for everything, I’m confused
Planted a happy bomb but it was defused
Telling everyone that I’m numb but I’m sad
Daily my mind sees what we could’ve had
Everyone’s trying to care for me
I love you guys so much but please let me be
Some of you only put me in more pain
Yes I’m fine but things aren’t as I claim
Picture a day where the sun didn’t come up
Or closing your eyes but they stay shut
Everyone telling you things get better
While you’re crying and writing a suicide letter
Well my goodbye letter is actually a poem
I’ll release it before the abyss I’ll roam
I wanna go away but I wanna stay here
Don’t wanna stay but I hope I’ll see you there
Wonder what death is like all the time
Feel like I’m trapped like I’m a mime
I’m sorry I didn’t make a good impression
Sorry I pushed away thanks to my depression
I want you back but I know you don’t love me
Not even a breakup there was never even a we
I wanna die today just to see who cares
At my funeral there’d be less than ten there
I wanted you to go away and so you did
My heart would smile when you called me kid
They say my heart is beautiful like a rose
Like all roses I’m dying starting to decompose
I guess it’s over though, you’ve gone away
and now I think about you less day by day

Truth is I love you so much it hurts
I try to tell you but it never works
I keep pausing at the times I could say it
you’re the forbidden fruit I haven’t bit
Tears me apart to know that you’re sad
Talked about him and the life that you had
Promise I could give you better
If only I could send this love letter
I’ve held onto it, read it over a hundred times
I wish I’d tell you instead of hiding it in rhymes
I’m a helpless lover boy I done fell in deep love
Pickin at my heart make sure you wear a glove
I set up thorns all around it unintentionally
I’m sure you’ll break through them eventually
You’ve got the key to my secrets
As of now you know my main weakness
Losing you is what scares me the most
I hope you aren’t a tick using me as a host
I feel so alive when we’re together
Truthfully I want this forever and ever
I’m worried half to death that you’ll just leave
I’ll be in the darkness by myself to grieve
Cussing at the walls and shouting song lyrics
Tempting myself to do things beyond my limits
The other night I tried picturing a life alone
My mind flooded to a place unknown
Darker than pitch black
As I let go of the tears that I had held back
I realized what I was thinking of
Im not scared of love
I’m scared of achieving it
and losing it.