Thought I had it all figured out
This was what I wanted without a doubt
So why do I feel so out of place
Constantly in a dark space
If it’s not this then it’s that
Walked all over like a door mat
My opinions don’t matter so why bother
Feel like i’m a lamb to the slaughter
Just existing until the day I don’t
Want to speed it up but I won’t
Sick of living with this sorrow
Wondering if it’ll be better tomorrow
What’s the point of trying anymore
Just want to be drunk on the shore
Staring out at the ocean knowing true peace
Instead i’m being broken piece by piece
Not much left of me
Is this how it has to be
Always the bad guy
No matter how much I try
I’ll never be what everyone wants me to be
Am I supposed to always feel this lonely
Wonder when the day comes that I snap
Will it feel better than feeling like crap
Should I like the idea of being isolated
Start doing drugs until my eyes are dilated
Maybe then i’ll forget about this pain
Maybe then i’ll get off this train
That takes me to every depressing stop
Slowing falling from the top
Losing my grip on everything i’ve had
I guess i’ll end up exactly like my dad
Every single day my happiness will deplete
How do I stop feeling so Incomplete
These are the thoughts that remain
This is it, I’m lost again

I’ve been being selfish for so long
Stuck in my head i’ve got it all wrong
On the sidelines while my family is in pain
Wish we’d talk more but I refrain
Don’t want it to seem like I don’t care
It’s unfair, this responsibility i bear
I know it’s not my fight
But it doesn’t feel right
Sitting here doing nothing for you
Maybe that’s why i’m so blue
I feel so helpless and I don’t know what to say
Scared that you won’t be here someday
I can’t find those special words
Or sing a beautiful song like birds
Something to take away all your trauma
Hopefully someday you’ll forgive mama
I hate seeing my family so torn apart
Physically feeling those tears on my heart
Hard to celebrate holidays being incomplete
Wish i could shake this feeling of defeat
What i’d give to be back at that wooden table
I know we might not ever be stable
But i miss laughing as a family
Maybe it’s the insanity
Going through another heartbreak
Everything you do feels like a mistake
You’re so much more than you seem
The MVP on my team
You’ve done so much for me
Someday you’ll see what i see
We’re all outcasts
Not the first or last
But you’re my older brother
Held it down without our mother
Without you I would’ve been so scared
Thank you for the love you’ve shared
Foster care was no match for us
So many things we need to discuss
Like why we stopped playing ball
Or how did i get so tall
I wouldn’t be who i am without you
I wouldn’t be alive without you
Never told you but you talked me out of trying
When the only thing i felt like doing was dying
We’re all so hurt
We’ve been dragged through the dirt
Yet we always had each other’s backs
I just wish we could have that back
I wish I could help.

It’s not okay to be not okay
Smile through pain every single day
Life’s too short to worry
No one cares about your story
You’re not depressed it’s just a phase
Your head isn’t a boiling maze
Everything is going to be okay
You’re scaring everyone away
You don’t actually want to stop living
Just hurry up and get over the feeling
It’s time you start acting like a man
Remember it’s all part of some bigger plan
So just smile and move on… right?
No there’s darkness in the light
Can’t have happy without sad
Can’t have good without bad
See it’s okay to not be okay
Not everyday is a good day
You’re going to feel alone
Might turn off the phone
Ignore everything and everyone
Ask yourself if you’re really done
No one knows about your pain
Walk alone in the heavy rain
You can pretend everything is over
Or you can forget about being sober
You only live once right
Why not forget about it some nights
Now i’m not saying become an alcoholic
Or numb your feelings until you’re robotic
Just that you don’t always have to be okay
It’s okay if there’s no smile on display
Please remember it’s okay to not be okay

Love is a huge part of our life
From Stranger, Friend, Girlfriend, to wife
You’re the one i want to grow old with
Staring into your eyes has been a gift
We’ve had our up and downs
Our smiles and frowns
Life’s been better since the day we met
No matter how annoyed we may get
I know we’ll find our way to one another
Someday you’ll make a great mother
I remember fighting for your attention
Like i was in another dimension
Knew that you’d be the one
Oh how this journey has been fun
I’m not the best person but for you I try
Don’t need drugs because you get me high
We’ve both got things to work through
But you make believe love is true
It’s 3 am and i miss your face
Showed me that home isn’t a place
It’s wherever you are
No matter how far
Adoring you while you’re asleep
Reminiscing cuddling to lil peep
The walks, talks, showers, and flowers
The first time we shared a kiss
When my mind wonders it goes to this
At work and i’m thinking of you
Gives me the motive to push on through
You’re the reason my world rotates
You and I dear, are Soulmates

The floor beneath my feet creaked
It’s been silent in this room for a week
Your body was found right where i’m sitting
The words on this letter have my head splitting
How could you be okay with leaving like this
All i can do is cry and clench my fists
I’m so angry that you left me here alone
Why didn’t i just pick up my phone
Maybe if i did you’d-
Maybe you’d still be here
I hope this made your pain disappear
Are you okay with knowing you’ve broken us
Or have all your memories turned to dust
Gone like you
I miss you
You’re so selfish I just don’t get it
After a week the feeling finally hit
You’re actually gone
What did we do wrong
We all loved you and showed that we cared
Why couldn’t you just get scared
What did you even have to fear
The love was always right here
Maybe we didn’t love you enough
Or maybe we loved a little too rough
Either way you’re gone and i hate you
i hate you so much i’m turning blue
Now look what you’ve got me doing
What happened to the dream you were pursuing
I can’t help but punch your bed
What was going on inside your head
Couldn’t you just talk to me at all
Or is that why you had called
Why didn’t i answer the phone call
I’m begging to god as i sit here and fall
It wasn’t your time to go yet
I keep thinking about how we met
Just little kids at the same school
We always thought we were so cool
Especially riding our bikes to the shop
Shared the same bus stop
We’d always race to the top of the street
I’m lying here crying on your sheets
I’m sobbing in my sheets
I thought about not doing it
Even tried to call for a bit
I just wanted to hear your voice again
Maybe it would help ease this pain
I’m sorry i didn’t say goodbye
I’m just done living this lie
I pretend i’m happy but inside it hurts
Only seems to keep getting worse
Tried talking about it but no one listens
Yet they always ask why i seem so distant
I know you think you love me but you don’t
I can’t keep on going so i guess i won’t
Don’t think of this as my suicide letter
I just hope this makes it a little better

When I leave the world will still spin round
I’ll be buried six feet beneath the ground
Look inside my head and you might get sick
Life is a disease, it’s just one big tick
Slowly draining my existence
Keep your distance
I’m tired of being let down
I’m sick of letting you down
Every single day i drown
Misery’s popular in my town
Suicidal thoughts since i was ten
Cried for help, was told to be a man
Developed a strong hatred for men
Have the worst of luck with women
Tried to end it multiple times
Went savage and committed multiple crimes
Looked for any excuse to start a fight
Drinking every night because it felt right
Avoided mirrors and degraded myself
Took pills, washed it down with what was left
Of the bottle known as my only friend
I ponder when my life will end
Took matters into my own hands
It feels like no one understands
I don’t think i’ll ever be okay
I’m sick of hearing what they say
Tell me it’s fine, that i’ll get through this
When deep inside of me there’s an abyss
One i can’t seem to get rid of
No matter how hard i push and shove
This feeling of being empty
I think about this plenty
I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
I’m sick and tired of today
I’m sick and Tired

My biggest enemy is me
I may be miserable but i’m free
How can i be enough for someone else
When i’m not even enough for myself
I despise the person i see in the mirror
With everyday the reason gets clearer
I find comfort in being broken
Rather be lonely on this path i’ve chosen
All i know is abandonment, neglect, and pain
Which is why i find peace in the rain
I stare at myself and question my worth
Thinking of the day i’ll leave this earth
I shatter anything that could be good
Maybe i’m just misunderstood
I’m not a good person
My pain will only worsen
Because i want it to
i’m scared of something new
Whenever i have hope it’s quickly lost
Lost so many things but what’s the cost
I closed my eyes and counted to ten
Decided then i’ll never try again
So when things start to look up
Leave it to me, to self destruct