This song makes my heart hurt
In a way I come running back to
Like cold air when my head is spinning
Like Vocaloid when my nose is stuffy
Like The cold steel of my shaky bedframe
The one I got so I could do schoolwork
Or the multitool in my bottom dresser drawer
That my grandpa gave me when I was 4
Like the way my heart hurts when my feet hit the gravel of the driveway
A soft-serve taste of inevitability

If you can't eat without me don't
Can't stomach the thought of my gullet
Full of food you didn't cook
Bland tactless English delight
Boil the heart out, dispose of the soul
The taste of resignation
A sense of higher morality
As if his callused hand contained a godly glory
A Buddhist wisdom, a song of peace
A place untouched by the fettering, fleeting feelings of a family
That can't appreciate the art
Of brutal meditation

My head hurts
so bad
fingers peel back soft spot
at the top of my skull
like wet clay
it comes off in clumps
and claps loudly on the ground
and the dust
coats my brain
covered in grey matter
nauseous
confused
spinning around my room making a mess of things
it rattles and stirs until it pours down my spine
in my chest a tumbler, to keep it fluid
A controlled drip to my stomach
And it hardens
And i sink

The birds
The grass
The trees
Whoever's listening
The earth
The sky
Whoever walks on by
Can come sit, here with me
Sit by the maple tree, she likes the
company

And when we sing softly
to her
she likes, to hear our gentle words
out time, our care
are woven in her hair, blocks the sun
from her eyes, when it sets, we say goodbye
to our tree
Maple Leaf

What I see
Person drowned in memory
dog hung by a picket fence
I could've should've why wouldn't I do
more
faster
better
stronger
catchy techno song from a time where
I could not lean too far one way or another
a balancing act for the last kid
in his grade
to ride a bike

Count, breathe, read
60 seconds and again
Two more times, get up, walk
Count, don't hold
Your breath
Drink some water
Read
Don't forget to
Breathe in
Out

I woke up
Waves splish splash
I hardly notice the sting of the wind
the shift of the sand
shift the towel
off my face?
my eyes catch the rays
long red strands of sun connect to my nose
Claws raised in defense
I blink the sun away
to see my body
bright red carapace
I have slept too long

Run
Sprint away
Rip your ******* skin off
Until you're something
Unrecognizable
Not so useless
A leather couch
To sink inside

Writing
For fun
Something lighthearted
Not the kind of poem you write
Lying on the floor
In a bad way

It's right there in the car
Just 4 steps to the door
3 steps further to the driveway
Lean in toward your center council
You'll have to tell your therapist
You'd never hurt yourself bad
Just enough
Because thats what you do when youre upset  right?
Logan

Wow so deep
So complicated
So philosophical in your phrasing
Your diction astounds me
Almost as much as the metaphor that surrounds it
Aren't you a special little poet
You should show this to everyone you ever love
And then never write again

My fingers freeze at the keys of my computer
Sounds suffocating thought, a block piercing my skull, amplifying distraction
Stubby frozen appendages, flail limply on my hand
I escape inside my head, the taste of rot drowns my senses
I tounge the flesh between my teeth, preserved in a sea of salt
I can’t feel
I can’t see
I can’t hear
Irrational thought, afraid, screaming at the dark
Puffy red eyes look back at me, they look away
My feet are wet, my clothes damp with sweat
A sea of shame, ropes grow like forests of seaweed
Grasping, Hating
Pulling me below the surface
I kick, scream, dislocating toes then foot then leg, fighting to breathe
Slipping through it’s grasp I swim, tears streaking down my face
And the sea gets deeper, darker, waiting
Until I drown

The first snowfall of the year
Fluffy soft and pure
That's how you make me feel
Like a stray breeze could pull me apart

I should take a vow of silence
Let my vocal chords dehydrate
Crumble into dust
And settle in the pit of my stomach
Or fast
I should fast, slim down a little
Let those ashes settle in a neat little void
That never grows or growls
So small I hardly notice it
So impossibly tiny, and dark, and quiet
And then i'll eat myself

This belongs in my notebook
Not at work, or in my car
Not online, not anywhere
It should be in my notebook
Maybe it would be, if i ever remembered to bring it
If i ever remembered anything
This is stupid
Pointless stupid *******
This isn't a poem
This ISN'T a poem
Because my poetry is ****
Its awful
Teenage angst and feelings i should be keeping to myself
And that's ok
I can write bad things
Let it out
Its ok
But i show people
Because nothing i do is worth half a ****
If someone doesn't know about it
Nothing makes me happy
Nothing makes me full
Unless someone sees me eat it
I should burn my notebook

I have plenty of reasons to hate you
Every misstep mistake and meaningless argument
I still think the names you called me mean something
That they are some sort of definition of what i can be
And it takes a longer time than i've spent apart from you to sit back and breathe
And remember to remember that you don't own me just because you told me you were the only one who loved me enough to keep me

I have plenty of reasons to hate you
But the thing i hate the most is that none of them are good enough
That you could beat me to death
And i'd still like to feel like you loved me
And no matter how many people tell me im right to hate you
I don't want to

I want to love you
I want you to love me
I want the love that I never saw
I want the love outside of the reflection of the firejack bottle your boyfriend bought last night with the money he nicked off my sisters dresser drawer
I want the kind of love that doesn't smell like smoke and shame creeping through the. creaking garage door
I want to love you
I want my mom
I want my mom
I want you to change for me
I want you to be there for me
I want you to encourage me
I want you to want me instead of wanting to own me
I want to own you
But I don't want to be you

My tongue wriggles in my mouth
Useless tool it is
Unable to articulate my feeling
Into words and phrases for human consumption
So I cut it off
Reattaching taste buds to fingertips
Until those forget how to speak too

Words escape me
Wisps of ideas in the wind
Paragraphs and punctuation dance along my windowsill
And as i swing my net faster and faster
I can never seem to fit them together
In an order that makes sense to me
My abilities degrade
Rusted over under merciless rain
That makes flowers grow
A quality wholly different from the tears i shed now

My head swims with sound
Meaningless and violent
Nerves wound tight round steel bolts in soft tissue
Music harvested from bright brain matter
Fingers working every corner of my mind
They lift my brain from my skull, a hollow shell, more befitting of my purpose
Tapping at my teeth, soft percusionary sound
Curling down my throat, choking sputtering vocals echo through my head
Bile threatens to meet the musicians tools, adding helpless groans to his symphony
Each tap of my teeth threatens to crack my skull
My head giving way to the flood of blood and wasted flesh
Too full of myself, and rendered all the more useless for it
I’d like to think I can do better...

Silent, quiet, still, hushed
That empty vast nothing of pressure on your eardrum
Cold loneliness of wordless, soundless space
But not always
There's also a warm kind of silence
Silence like a blanket
A cozy comfortable wall of nothing
Keeping out the sound of the world
So for just a moment
It’s just you and me

Summer, field of fresh flowers
Backyard bonfires
Among cinnamon flavored daffodils
Hazy nights, and hazy days
Hazy cold dark maze built into the back of my mind
Every crack and corner and secret passage ingrained into my memory
Every trap and snare and pit of shame
Suffocating, emasculating holes
Arguments and pain pills and disappointments
A unique enemy in a dungeon I can’t ever really leave
Because even when im gone away
It's in my blood, that sweet smell of cinnamon

Fall
Everyone writes about fall
In the same way
Crunching crimson leaves and biting cold
Contrasted
By the warmth of someone dear
How romantic I sigh for the 800th time
As I click the backspace in the corner of the screen
To read some more
But i've never liked fall
I mean it's alright with its soggy leaves and wet ground
With its spiders making cozy homes in piles of leaves
But i'd rather be inside
Safe from depressing rainy weather
Because if i'm going to be sad
I’ll do it myself
Comfortably

What's in a name
A sickly copper smelling flower
Moulding midnight roots burrow into soft flesh
Savagely tearing soft pink skin
Hungrily gulping down rivlets of blood
Taste of strong liquor, poisoned by name
But by any other, a flower yields just as sweet

Cold food presented for my pleasure
Frost clinging to a meal unfit
I cannot eat, it’s much too cold im sure
Ungrateful boy

So taking up our arms we eat
Our frozen food and drink
And taking my first bite of meat
I find it dry and inhospitable

I grasp the icy glass
Cracks form in my skin
And breathing deep of noxious gas
I eat cold food again

What do I do
Write another poem, first in months to grace my pen
Scream the same three songs I've always sung until my worries end
But I've sung those songs a thousand times, my throat it will atest
My poetry is without passion, my muse cliche at best
Of all the things i'm “good”at
I’m only best at one
Thus I look inside my hollow chest
At the only prize I've won

Life is kinda like a cup of coffee
The first taste bitter, the flavor, unappealing
I ask others how they can stand the taste, they show me
They add sugar and cream, stirring new flavors and tastes into the bitter liquid
I start to understand, I take a drink
And burn my tongue

My taste buds are dead
My mouth on fire
I smile, my chapped lips cracking
“It's so good!” I say, they smile back
The cracks widen, blood flows from my lips
Down my chin and into the mug
The tatse of blood makes me sick

I take another drink, long and deep
The visous mixture flows down my gullet
I choke on the heat, and close my eyes
To savor the flavor

Deafening silence
Infinitely more powerful
Than a thousand words

A limitless source
Of potential energy
Stemming from lack
Of sound

Silence, can be many things
Alone, scared, deep and thoughtful
Together, peace unlike any other

Silence is many things
Even so, it is anything
But quiet

I’m not happy
I’ve become intimate with the thought
Of my own cold, isolation
I'm not depressed
I can’t call it that
Even if I wanted too
I have no second opinion
No diagnoses of the problems I think I have
I am no one
Just an attention seeker
A midnight weeper
Crying when i'm alone
And dying when im not
Just who do I think I am
To take their thoughts away from you

Is it bad to wish for tragedy
A valid reason to shed these tears
A reason to fall and crumble
To succumb to all my fears
I just wanna pour my heart out
God how messy that would be
The only one that can give me validity
Is me

Breathe in, breathe in
Breathe out
Watch smoke billow from my mouth
Bury feeling
In hazy dreaming
Lost, in pale white cloud
I laugh and smile
And stay awhile
In this ethereal shroud
I relax until I notice
I can’t find my way back out

A long days work passed
The night comes at last
And I curl up inside of my blanket

A warm and happy place inside
A place my feelings go to hide
Tucked away from a world without my blanket

My blanket is security
A place where I am the real me
I can’t face reality
I hide inside my blanket

I can’t help myself i'm done
The world outside has finally won
Dragged outside I kick and scream
For its soft embrace in which I dream

This blankets hug is suffocating
Full of thoughts of my self-hating
Loathing that i'm still alive
Weak and just waiting to die

My blanket
Where i'm happiest
The place where I am at my best
Curled up in my room alone
Writing poems on my phone

A cloak, to cover up, the marks the years have left on me
Crimson cloth to cover up the shame
Cloth torn, and faded
Mold creeping over brilliant red shades
Spawned from sorrow
And though it grew unnoticed
Even death
Needs sunshine to grow

Consuming flame licking at my nerves
Flickering in my heart, flashing brilliant shades of color behind my eyes
Burning away my emotion
Bleeding from my fingertips, burning all I touch
Nothing left undamaged
Flames bleeding from my heart
Nerves numb, eyes dry
Resolve burning with righteous flame
The only thing that keeps me warm at night

On my back, a weight
Crushing my lungs, causing me to suffocate
I'm not
Sure
How much longer I can lift it
I was never very strong

I write a poem
An indeterminate number of lines
No structure or rhyme
A failure
One excuse to many in a long line of mistakes
Throw emotions on a page to escape into obscurity
Because the alternatives terrify me
Because as long as I keep writing
I can die another day

A cold, distorted reality
Reflected through the gaze
Of a glass eye
Horrid screams and twisted dreams
Is all the glass eye sees
A world of pain, of suffering
All meaning fades away
From a cold and lonely kind of world
Reflected, everyday

A child’s heart, torn apart
Fix it up
With Play-Doh
Numb from pain
Miswired brain
Patch it up
With Play-Doh
A myriad of colors
To cover your mistakes with
A selection of cupboards
To tuck away, the empty cup
Of Play-Doh

Past and future

How uncertain they can be

How can I trust when my memories lie to me

Unreliable narrator

My stories mostly true

Am I the same me, that I am to you

A kaleidoscope, looking back into the past

Of happy days and warm sun rays that never seem to last

My memories are fading

One by one by one

And I feel as though

I've forgotten something

I look into my past, for something held so dear

And when I look into the future, my lense clouds up with tears


A memory of happy days

Of sunshine and tree fuzz

In memory im happy

At least, I think i was

A page can only soak so much ink
Before it becomes worthless, unusable
Ink overflowing the compact spaces between light blue lines
Black and hopeless
Cascading aimlessly off the edge of the world
Seeping through every crack
Into every weakness
Rendering all of its existence
Worthless

Your expression
Defiling the connotation of a smile
Rage imprisoned behind pearly white bone
Festering, growing out of control
But when in good company
You must always be polite
And hide such vile things
Behind a smile

Warm rays rolling over morning dew in the lawn
Sweet scented air drifting through my window
A perfect day, a world smiling through my window, waiting for me to take it
I lay back down
The warmth is suffocating
My vision blurs as waves of heat drown out emotion
Just let me sleep I scream at the smiling sun above
Just let me dream, I whimper into my pillow
Just let me feel this PLEASE!
Just be happy, keep smiling
I plead with the ache in my heart
Just let me sleep
And stay happy

A feeling that I crave
A sharp burning pain inside my core
A thousand needles residing in my lungs
Each breath sharper than the last
And every night I wait
And remind myself
I'm alive

A creak outside my bedroom door
Faceless shadows watch my pitiful attempts at slumber through the window
They are watching me, waiting for my eyes to close
Willing myself into courageous action I stand, blinds closing, door locked
My bed welcomes me once more, a comforting creak as it takes my weight
Drops of moonlight trickle down my drapes, my heart stops
Don’t move, don’t breathe, don’t open your eyes
In a moment of clarity I realize
The shadows never left, I simply can’t see them
It’s too dark

A crown forged out of molten lead

To keep my thoughts inside my head

Thoughts I dare not let outside

Collected in the tears i've cried

In a jar above the sink

Thoughts I cannot bear to think

And when they come to bare their heads

I grab another piece of lead

Insert the shard into my eye

To keep all of the pain inside

Until I cannot see it

Fish hooks picking at my skin

Wicked barbs **** at the soft pink flesh within

Pulled, harder, deeper the metal sinks

Yanked, tugged, closer to reality

Up, higher, desperate gasps of breath

Reaching, stretching, for a solution, an anchor

Faster, harder, cast out into the unknown

Colder, deeper, too numb to drown

Pulled, harder, deeper

Warmer

My Purple clothes
With purple stripes
That I wear all day
As well as night
My purple clothes
So weak and weary
Torn at the seams
From the weight they carry
My purple clothes, torn at the seams
I stitch and fix them in my dreams
And bathed in tears, they fall apart
The ink leaked through into my heart
And underneath, im purple

Gears turn in the dead of night
Metallic wails wake me from my slumber
Louder, piercing my skin, reaching into every orifice
I writhe in agony, choking on flakes of rust
I lash out into the dark, my fingers wedged between the cogs
My bones a fine powder, my flesh discarded

Pristine gears, polished with a crimson sacrifice
They turn silently
And I can dream again

A string of lights, Thousands of miles long
Reaching to the sky
Wrapping around our cold dead planet
Suffocating it with its endless light
And one day, a light flickers
And flickers
And dies
And the earth is a little bit colder

Four walls

The foundations of my life

Torn down in a fit of anger


A bed

My security

My thoughts, my dreams, my wonder

Left unkempt


A Dresser

Secrets tucked neatly inside

Along with the clothing I wear

But the drawers no longer shut


A room with

Four walls

A bed

A dresser

And my head

But it's never felt

So empty