At ten, if I had proceeded with my plan
Would a violin play?
I keep telling myself I don’t like pain and I don’t want to die if it takes too slow
One day, the sun will consume earth
And when that time comes
Play me a violin
Play the instrument I wish to hear when I make my exit
Out of the respect of ten-year-old me who continued to suffer because she was afraid of being unsuccessful

I feel your pain before you express it
Cry your tears before your heart breaks
Guess this pain of yours is genetic
The look of disgust is not for you but for me
Telling my future self to not become my broken secrets
Not to become the skeletons that live in my closet
If this **** is genetic though, then how come you pretend that you don’t feel me?
The tears that I’ve cried in front you, you still looking at me like you’re confused
What do I have to do for my feelings to become genetic so you can feel my pain too?

The sorrows are getting old
I’m no longer recognizable
For years, I’ve been encouraging myself
Encouraging myself to bloom again
But it seems impossible
Days are becoming night
The warm is becoming cold
This deadheading session has been lingering
It’s been years since I’ve seen myself bloom
Bloom in a field of flowers
Flowers I used to hate but now trying to love

These days are becoming more tiring
The word, ‘strong,’ is no longer in my vocabulary
I wonder what it feels to not have sadness in your heart
What does it feel to not fall apart?
I’m told this is human but if this is how living feels
I wonder if dying feels like heaven
Because right now, here on earth
This feels like a living hell

Standing in front of me is proof that love does not exist
That when love isn't expressed to the body
The body will decay and become a walking corpse
I am slowly decaying as I keep pushing love away from me
Afraid to become open and admire the compassionate that is being shared with me
Shared for me
But standing in front of me, my reflection, is proof that love does not exist
Does not exist to broken souls like the reflection that stands in front of me

When does the sitting in the dark stop?
When does the feeling of being a burden stop?
Can someone please tell me, I’ve been seeking answers for a long time
I will finally like to come to peace with the loneliness that rests in my heart

Trauma Inspires