happy new year to anyone who reads this
****, we’ve come a long way, huh?
even though i might not know you, still proud of you
people go through **** and for that, **** are appreciated a little bit more
so, if you’re going through something
just know, ***** happening for a reason
everything’s going to be okay
and i know that’s  easy to say but trust, whatever you’re going through is part of your “journey”
your story
nothing is given to you what you can’t handle
so, have a clear mindset for 2020
be ready to succeed in 2020
and to be whatever and do whatever the ******* want in 2020
i might not know you but i love you
and grateful that you’re here to see 2020
salute to you❤️

I'm not my mistakes
Life hasn't treated me that well
But I forgive it

I've shamed myself for giving a ****
Not realizing that was a gift
Still able to feel after all these years

Light me up
Connect your body  
Whisper words I’ve never heard
Mourn the emotions you miss
Close your eyes
Miss every skin touched
Every neck kissed
Light me up
With secrets you can’t keep

There’s more to you than just beauty
You’re worth than so much more
Life is going to treat you well
Be prepared for it, misery doesn’t last long

What makes me sad and sometimes mad
Is that, there’s still a hurt little girl inside of me
She was not given a voice to be heard
She was never given the opportunity to be healed
This hurt little girl is still bruised and scarred
Remembering the fear that I had in me at a young age
The anxiety I felt
And the misunderstanding that I took
This hurt little girl that’s inside me still needs a sorry
She still needs a explanation on things she didn’t and couldn’t understand
This hurt little girl still is frightened of the world  
Still frightened of her world
I’m trying to heal her as I heal me too
This hurt little girl is beautiful as can be
As she is the damaged butterfly inside of me

The boys I fell for saw girls as their toy
As if they walked into a store and saw me on the shelf
Picked me up and bought me, thinking they owned me
But they didn't, getting upset when reminded
And that's when I knew none of them deserved me

The sorrows are getting old
I’m no longer recognizable
For years, I’ve been encouraging myself
Encouraging myself to bloom again
But it seems impossible
Days are becoming night
The warm is becoming cold
This deadheading session has been lingering
It’s been years since I’ve seen myself bloom
Bloom in a field of flowers
Flowers I used to hate but now trying to love

These days are becoming more tiring
The word, ‘strong,’ is no longer in my vocabulary
I wonder what it feels to not have sadness in your heart
What does it feel to not fall apart?
I’m told this is human but if this is how living feels
I wonder if dying feels like heaven
Because right now, here on earth
This feels like a living hell

The devil in the house
As he walks up and down the hallways
The evilness is seen in his eyes as he digs through the refrigerator
And sit on the couch to watch Tv
The devil in the house is disguised as a human being
When friends and family come over, he's a whole different person
He smiles in their faces and shake their hand and introduce himself
The devil in the house is the abuser of someone who I love dearly
And I seem to be hushed if told the truth
His stare will make your skin crawl as his voice echos in the empty hallways
His voice is loud and frighten, telling yourself you'll be the hero one day
But, the day you become the hero seems not to come or seems to be pushed back as fear swallows you
The devil feeding off the flesh of an innocent woman
The bruises, the scratches, the yelling, the crying can only paint a picture on what happens behind that bedroom door

When does the sitting in the dark stop?
When does the feeling of being a burden stop?
Can someone please tell me, I’ve been seeking answers for a long time
I will finally like to come to peace with the loneliness that rests in my heart

Leave me by, I say
You abandoned me
Told me you'll never would
What changed your perception of me?

You abandoned me
If you would've given the time
My anger would've subsided
Would have changed myself for you

If you would've given the time
I wouldn't have been your broken project
Taken me seriously, describing me with more words than just easy
Would've meant it when you told me you'll never ghost me

I feel your pain before you express it
Cry your tears before your heart breaks
Guess this pain of yours is genetic
The look of disgust is not for you but for me
Telling my future self to not become my broken secrets
Not to become the skeletons that live in my closet
If this **** is genetic though, then how come you pretend that you don’t feel me?
The tears that I’ve cried in front you, you still looking at me like you’re confused
What do I have to do for my feelings to become genetic so you can feel my pain too?

At ten, if I had proceeded with my plan
Would a violin play?
I keep telling myself I don’t like pain and I don’t want to die if it takes too slow
One day, the sun will consume earth
And when that time comes
Play me a violin
Play the instrument I wish to hear when I make my exit
Out of the respect of ten-year-old me who continued to suffer because she was afraid of being unsuccessful

The words that you say to me breaks my heart
The only love that I wanted in this world was yours
What am I going to do now that you’ve broken my stem?
Can’t look at anybody else because mentally, I’m comparing them to you
Telling myself to let you go but how is that possible when I prepared myself for your love
I prepared myself to love you and be a completely different person
The way that you looked at me told me that this could last forever
Now I’m completely lost because what you did to me completely broke me
The only love that I wanted in this world was yours
What am I going to do now that you’ve broken my stem?

Took me some time to accept you
Took me some time to appreciate you
But my whole entire existence is surrounded by you
I get out the shower
Curls wet

Step #1. Take an old, raggedy *** t-shirt or a microfiber towel and damp the curls semi-dry

Step #2. Take a detangle brush, start from the ends of your hair and comb up to the roots of your hair  

Took me some time to learn you, how to care for you

Step #3. Take a small comb and part your hair down the middle, which will expose your scalp

Step #4. Take some oil and oil the curls, massage the oil into  your scalp

I was once told you’re all I got, got a pretty face but with you, I’m on top of the list
Strangers telling me not to cut you off
You make me different, worth loving

Step #5. Take some hair moose and comb it through your hair

Step #6. Take some hair honey or some leave in conditioner and comb that through, too

Step #7. Then, take some hair gel and scrunch it up in your hair so it can make the curls pop

I question, if I ever leave you, would I still be desirable?
Would I be worth every compliment I was ever given, even as a child?

Step #8.  Take the old t-shirt and scrunch the ends of the curls and from there, you can air dry or use a diffuser

How come I take care of you but you don’t take care of me?
Repeating affirmations on how much I love you
Women comb their fingers through you, wishing they had you
Men telling me I’m attractive, all while staring you up and down, with a slick smile on their face
Took me some time to know that you are not me
Still have time to understand that I don’t need you
Careful with my words cause the universe likes to prove people wrong but how come my existence is revolved around you?
How come I understood self-love through you, even though you never taught me how to love myself without you?

Standing in front of me is proof that love does not exist
That when love isn't expressed to the body
The body will decay and become a walking corpse
I am slowly decaying as I keep pushing love away from me
Afraid to become open and admire the compassionate that is being shared with me
Shared for me
But standing in front of me, my reflection, is proof that love does not exist
Does not exist to broken souls like the reflection that stands in front of me

I hope I'm alive in somebody's heart
Changing my mindset on my own worth
I hope I'm alive in somebody's heart
Keeping me alive with every beat in their pulse

I’ve known you for some time
Everybody around me knows your name
Don’t hide my emotions about you
Smiling whenever I hear your name
This introduction of you is something new
I wanted to see you
Made it clear as day
You came over
Introduced me to a new world
I know you
I’m comfortable
When the time comes of me saying goodbye to you
I don’t think I’m going to make it
I’m weary we won’t talk again
Gave you my body, know you’re satisfied with my decision
This introduction of you is something new
But you warned me, a couple years ago
I didn’t listen
Now, I’m writing you a whole *** book
For you to understand me and embrace this new side of me

I never told you this before, but you are worthy
I love you. I love you even after the world ends
I love you even after God calls you home
I love you and I’ll continue to find you in different lifetimes
I love you. I love you. I love you
We’re going through this life together and even though we’re scared as hell, I know we’ll have each other
Because your love is that strong to me, I can't imagine being somebody else in this lifetime

You’ve made me numb to real love

The norm is being with a man who doesn’t take you seriously
Plenty of women in my family have gone through struggle love
The norm to get your heart broken
“Guys do that”
It has become okay that they do us *****
It has become okay to curse them out over phone or text, with tears streaming down our faces
Why do we have to fight for them?
Why do we have to prove that we should be worthy to them?
The norm is being with a man who uses us for ***
The women in my family know all too well about a man who couldn’t give a **** about them
This **** is taking its course
Why should I wait around for him? Why should I give him the benefit of the doubt?
Why should I show him my vulnerability?
Knowing he'll take it for granted

Hands didn’t match
Deep, knew this wasn’t going to last long
We touched bodies
Didn’t tell any secrets
Neither of us trusted each other that much
We laid still for an hour or so  
Before one body left the other
That body felt hypnotized  
Proud
The other body felt satisfied
Dishonest
Those hands didn’t match nor did the intention
Body two thought it’ll last  
Body one admired the hope

Why do I get so upset?
Why is my tongue so slick, hurting feelings and losing relationships
Sorry if I ever hurt your feelings
And sorry if I already did it
Mad at Myself for not having control
Control over my attitude
Over this hurt that keeps revealing itself
Why do I hurt the ones who I love and who love me?
Wanting attention from the people who hurt me, plotting on me
Mad at Myself for being so immature
And not having no control
Mad at Myself for hurting you
I’m so sorry that I’m not able to express emotion besides on paper
Mad at Myself
Mad at Myself for forcing you to question my love for you
I love you
I do
I just got issues
Not healing from the trauma I’ve endured in my lifetime
Mad at Myself for hurting myself
Mad at Myself for speaking ***** to myself
Mad at Myself for not loving myself
Why do I get so upset?
Why don’t I get some help, having my pride blocking change and opportunities
Mad at Myself for hurting you
And for not loving you

Trauma Inspires

This pain is passing through like kidney stones

As the caterpillar learns about itself,
It can't help but be confused on how to love itself
Told self love is the most beautiful thing out there
Wondering to self, if it's so beautiful, why is it so out of reach?
The caterpillar is still hurting
Not having a clue on how to heal from the cuts and bruises
Caterpillar, who are you?

Death to the naivety is easy as they don’t understand
But death to the understanding is just a on going cycle
A cycle we cannot break
A cycle that comes as a surprise but is expected at the same time

Your Ego is decaying your body

why do I feel as though you’re getting tired of me?
as our love is not what it used to be
huh? you’re starting to act different and becoming more distant
i thought this would last for a lifetime
three years and counting and I’m starting to feel myself drowning
why do I feel as though you don’t love me like how you used to love me?
why am I getting the insecurities thoughts that you’re cheating on me?
that someone else in the world knows where your birthmark is at
that someone else has felt the warmth of your skin and the comfort of your words
why do I feel as though I’m not enough for you...that for the past months, all we ever did was fight and argue
please tell me I’m delusional and that you really love me
please tell me I’m insane and become way too insecure
please tell me it’s not true...that you found someone else, someone else who isn’t me
please tell me our love was meant to be....

She’s me
I’m her
Beautiful girl, what am I going to do with you?
Told she’s beautiful
Told she’s unique and something special about her
But the beautiful girl doesn’t even believe it
As she shakes her head in disbelief, how dare they lie to her like that?
She’s me
I’m her
I look in the mirror
She looks in the mirror
And all she sees is her flaws
She sees the features that she doesn’t dare to love
Beautiful girl, what am I going to do with you?
You don’t love yourself
Biting her nails, picking at her skin
Tears rolling down her cheeks
Picking at her stomach, as she repeats in her head that she’s too fat
Beautiful girl, why don’t you love yourself?
Self, why don’t you love yourself?
Who hurt you?
Who poisoned your mind into thinking you’re the worst?
Who told you that you weren't worth it, who damaged your self image?
Was it him? Was it her, was it them, or was it you?
Beautiful girl, what am I going to do with you?

I’m afraid I’ll become another statistic
Another body hanging from a closet because I felt lonely
Another number, added to a presentation explaining why mental health matters
I’m afraid I’ll become a trigger
Become a warning
Become a body in a casket, birthday plastered on a gravestone
Broadcasting how young I was and how little I lived
I’m afraid I’ll become another story
Another body whose soul was taken a long time ago
Another face, with comments saying rest in peace and begging that people take mental health seriously
I’m afraid I’ll become a trigger
Become a memory
Become a body whose not present, making dinner conversations uncomfortable
Broadcasting the grieving of loved ones
I’m afraid

To deal with this hurdle, I decided to write something to ease my worried thoughts
I visited you before the sun set and before the moon made its appearance
It reminds me of the time I’ll visit my grandmother and see her in her worst state, same with you
Seems as though I’m grieving already but I know you’ll be here long but till the universe calls your name, I admired you for who you are in my life
I love you, I love you after the universe calls me home
I love you after the world ends and I’m not able to stand on my own
You've taught me the best of the best, to keep fighting and pushing through but to see my hero on ground zero is detrimental to the soul
Till the universe calls your name, I’ll give the world to show that you deserve everything good coming your way
Things happen for a reason and the reason to be, shame how tragedy had to strike for me to appreciate you
I love you till the universe calls your name, I love you after the bridge has fallen down
I love you, I love you, I love you so much, there are no words in the English dictionary to describe how I feel about you

Till the universe calls your name.