The only peace I find these days are in the middle of a storm;
I know it sounds weird.
Everybody begins running inside but it brings me peace finally knowing the only storm isn’t the one raging inside of me,
at least for a few minutes.
I see the rain start filling the streets and I can finally take a deep breath because I’m not the only one drowning anymore,
at least for now.
Everybody starts making preparations and stocking up on items and for once, I’m not the only one going through the motions in order to be okay.

People keep asking me
"What do you want your life to look like in five years?"

they always cringe when I say
"I just want to fight long enough to open my eyes tomorrow morning."

Words keep spilling out of my mouth and my control is running thin these days.
I can’t stop my lips from forming the words that every part of me wants to share with you, but I know that I never can, it’s too late now.
I’m drinking these bottles as though there’s a message from you at the bottom of them,
I haven’t found it yet, but I keep telling myself it’s at the bottom of the next one.
I was told the alcohol would make me forget, but it only makes me remember.
I’m not sure I remember correctly though.
I see myself standing beside you, but in reality, I was in the car driving away.
From your point of view, it looked like I was leaving.
What you couldn’t see was me screaming and fighting,
fighting for the car doors to unlock so that I could run back into your arms.
What you couldn’t see is what I needed you to see, but I guess we can’t change that now.

I need you to know that walking away from you is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and I regret it each and every day.
I need you to know that it kills me wondering what could have been.
I need you to know that I painted my bedroom walls black because I couldn’t bear your shadow following me into my room every night when all I wanted was for you to be there with me.
I need you to know your shadow has a voice and it speaks to me in tones that I can’t escape from.
I need you to know that I stopped sleeping because I prefer sleepless nights over the nights you sway in and out of my dreams; it just isn't fair.
I need you to know that I only stopped listening because each beat reminded me of how desperately I wish I was listening to your heartbeat instead, but I’ll always still be your biggest fan.
I need you to know that even though you are so far away, I’m certain it was your hands that swerved my car back onto the road when all I wanted was to be wrapped around a telephone pole.
I need you to know that ashes of you fell down on me as I walked away and I have carried them in a locket around my heart ever since.
I need you to know that I only stopped saying good morning and good night because ever since I left I’ve been caught in a new moon and there’s no light surrounding me.
I need you to know that the last four years have been spent just wishing I could finally come back home.
I need you to know that I shutter at the thought of her beside you.
I need you to know that I was counting on it being me.
I need you to know that I wish it was me.

And although I can never tell you how I truly feel, I need you to know.

Where are you?
My mind starts to wander to all the places you could be.
I cringe.
The thought of you out there without me makes my bones groan and my body tremble.
My hands haven't stopped shaking since you left.
I ran out of tears to cry, but if I could, I would cry.
Every day is a fight to get out of bed, except for the fact that I burned my bed because I've started running from the sleepless nights where you sway in and out of my dreams.
In my dreams, you're holding me.
I can't do it anymore.
I can't have you in my dreams and wake up to nothing except for the brief flashbacks of you being here.
I run to the ocean, my only safe place left, but even that is tainted since you walked away.
The tide doesn't roll in empty handed;
It brings in memories of you with each wave in the same sense that the demons come at night with memories of you to haunt me.
I need you here.
I need you here.
I need you here.
I know that I have the story wrong though.
I know that you didn't leave.
I pushed you out.
I built up walls and expected you to climb them.
I know you tried to climb them.
I know that you tried to climb until your body began to shake and you were out of breath.
I know that I locked the door behind me.
But can't you see that I gave you the key?
Can't you be here now?
Can't you come home?

Subtle lips drown sinking ships but sometimes things have to stay concealed
I am trying to keep the peace and I'm trying not to say anything that I'll regret but I can't quite swallow these words and they're beginning to burn being stuck in my throat for so long.
I think that you deserve to know just how wonderful you are but maybe while she's holding you in her arms isn't the best time to tell you.
I say that I want the best for you and that I want you to be happy but I just can't shake the thought that you seemed happier with me than you are with her but maybe you're just trying to spare my feelings.
I'm trying to read your mind but it's hard with so much distance between us
and I stay awake at night wondering if there are words burning your throat that keep you awake too or if they're only stuck in mine.
I guess I should apologize for the way that I'm coming across because maybe my intentions aren't clear.
I keep wondering if I've made all of this up.
I keep wondering if there ever even was an us
but I know that I miss us.
One thing I'm clear about is that you and I are a story that people spend their entire lives searching for.
She might be there with you but I promise that I can hold your heart tighter than she has ever held your hand.
I know that you've been trembling lately and feeling like you might collapse and I know that you've been trying to keep it all together and so it makes sense that you would need her to hold you to keep all of your pieces in place but I need you to know that even if you break, I will be there to help you pick up those beautiful pieces and create a life that's new.
I don't want to disrespect her and I'm not trying to push her aside but I'm just telling you that people have searched lifetimes for what you and I have found effortlessly.
Even after we were apart, the stars still led us home.
The constellations printed a map for us that led us back to one another and I don't think they did it on accident,
I don't believe it was a mistake.
We have always shared the night together and I can't think it's a coincidence that when the rest of the world is dark and quiet, you and I come alive with one another.
You feel so at home in my love and I feel so safe within your promises.
I wonder if she knows about me.
I wonder if she knows about the nights we used to spend together.
We were so close and yet the distance between us was thousands of miles.
I sometimes wonder if she feels distant to you but yet I feel so close still.
There are times I wonder if us coming back together reminds you if what love is supposed to feel like
but I guess I shouldn't be getting ahead of myself.
I shouldn't keep going.
I need to stop now before these words in my throat emerge and spill out of me and you know the depth of the palace you built inside of my heart and mind.

I hear you call my name from the darkness and I thoughtlessly go out to find you.
The clouds of thorns are thick;
they tear my skin apart as I blindly stumble along the trail.
I follow the sound of your voice as you lure me deeper and deeper.
It was like a tease, the same way you would pull me close and then push me away.
I'm set on finding you.
I'm determined to bring you home with me.
The space around me becomes more and more narrow and my heart begins to race.
My thoughts are drowning in fear but I push it all aside in order to find you.
I freeze as I try to listen for you calling my name;
I can't hear you.
I can't hear anything.
Only silence.
The darkness begins to surround me as my airways tighten in panic.
I was here to save you, but now I'm the one needing to be saved.
"Please. Stop. This isn't fun anymore."
I cry.
I'm begging.
My stomach is turning and my heart is thumping.
Something grabs my arms and pulls me further into the abyss.
I trip and fall.
I'm a ragdoll being carried across the thorns and rocks by one arm while the rest of me falls behind.
My body now covered in gashes;
they pour out blood the same color as your favorite red lipstick on me.
I scream out your name.
I scream for you to come save me.
I wonder if you can even hear me.
I need you to save me.
As I'm pulled further and further, I start to fade out.
I see a ray of light ahead and I know it has to be you.
I try to escape the grip of whoever is holding onto me;
He must be a demon. A beast. A prince of darkness.
He thrashes me around and throws me to the ground again.
Time and time again he throws me to the ground.
His hits make contact with my body and I yelp in pain.
His kicks force my body to bend in ways it never should.
I hear my bones snap and feel the blood pouring out
but all I can think about is you.
I need to make it to the light.
I need to get to you.
He finally stops dragging me along.
He picks me up from off of the ground and gently grabs my hand.
His hands are rough and dry, I know this feeling from somewhere.
I don't understand. I'm too scared to ask.
I can feel his body turn toward me and shift my waist to face him.
He pulls me close and pushes me away.
I know this dance from somehow.
All of a sudden, the realization hits me like a whirlwind.
It can't be.
Please tell me that it can't be.
He pulls me close again and I can feel him grab my face.
I squirm but I'm unable to move far.
He kisses me; his lips familiar in formation on mine.
I know that he is you.
"Can we please go back into the light?"
I'm crying again. I'm begging.
Please don't let this be true.
You grab my hand and walk with me toward the light.
As we are walking, the light goes further and further into the distance.
It's unreachable. It's unobtainable.
I'm running toward it, trying to believe that we can still make it.
I hear you laughing.
I fall to the floor, unable to see anything around me.
My hands are in my hair.
My clothes are stained by my tears.
You come find me and pick me up off of the ground.
I need you close, I need this to not be real.
You pull me into you and when it feels like I can finally breathe again, you throw me aside and I fall into the thorns.
You laugh again as though this is your favorite new game.
My body is breaking open.
My heart is emptied of any hope.
My mind is racing with options and questions.
Do I stay in the darkness with you or do I try and save myself?
I know my choice. It's an easy decision.
I fight my way out of the thorns.
I stand up again and try to collect myself before doing anything else.
"Breathe, you can do this," I whisper to myself.
I look around for the light and once I can see it, I take a step forward.
Soon, I am running. I'm running as fast as I can.
But I'm not running toward the light,
I'm running to you.
My choice is still you.