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KaylaMarie May 2019
I hear you call my name from the darkness and I thoughtlessly go out to find you.
The clouds of thorns are thick;
they tear my skin apart as I blindly stumble along the trail.
I follow the sound of your voice as you lure me deeper and deeper.
It was like a tease, the same way you would pull me close and then push me away.
I'm set on finding you.
I'm determined to bring you home with me.
The space around me becomes more and more narrow and my heart begins to race.
My thoughts are drowning in fear but I push it all aside in order to find you.
I freeze as I try to listen for you calling my name;
I can't hear you.
I can't hear anything.
Only silence.
The darkness begins to surround me as my airways tighten in panic.
I was here to save you, but now I'm the one needing to be saved.
"Please. Stop. This isn't fun anymore."
I cry.
I'm begging.
My stomach is turning and my heart is thumping.
Something grabs my arms and pulls me further into the abyss.
I trip and fall.
I'm a ragdoll being carried across the thorns and rocks by one arm while the rest of me falls behind.
My body now covered in gashes;
they pour out blood the same color as your favorite red lipstick on me.
I scream out your name.
I scream for you to come save me.
I wonder if you can even hear me.
I need you to save me.
As I'm pulled further and further, I start to fade out.
I see a ray of light ahead and I know it has to be you.
I try to escape the grip of whoever is holding onto me;
He must be a demon. A beast. A prince of darkness.
He thrashes me around and throws me to the ground again.
Time and time again he throws me to the ground.
His hits make contact with my body and I yelp in pain.
His kicks force my body to bend in ways it never should.
I hear my bones snap and feel the blood pouring out
but all I can think about is you.
I need to make it to the light.
I need to get to you.
He finally stops dragging me along.
He picks me up from off of the ground and gently grabs my hand.
His hands are rough and dry, I know this feeling from somewhere.
I don't understand. I'm too scared to ask.
I can feel his body turn toward me and shift my waist to face him.
He pulls me close and pushes me away.
I know this dance from somehow.
All of a sudden, the realization hits me like a whirlwind.
It can't be.
Please tell me that it can't be.
He pulls me close again and I can feel him grab my face.
I squirm but I'm unable to move far.
He kisses me; his lips familiar in formation on mine.
I know that he is you.
"Can we please go back into the light?"
I'm crying again. I'm begging.
Please don't let this be true.
You grab my hand and walk with me toward the light.
As we are walking, the light goes further and further into the distance.
It's unreachable. It's unobtainable.
I'm running toward it, trying to believe that we can still make it.
I hear you laughing.
I fall to the floor, unable to see anything around me.
My hands are in my hair.
My clothes are stained by my tears.
You come find me and pick me up off of the ground.
I need you close, I need this to not be real.
You pull me into you and when it feels like I can finally breathe again, you throw me aside and I fall into the thorns.
You laugh again as though this is your favorite new game.
My body is breaking open.
My heart is emptied of any hope.
My mind is racing with options and questions.
Do I stay in the darkness with you or do I try and save myself?
I know my choice. It's an easy decision.
I fight my way out of the thorns.
I stand up again and try to collect myself before doing anything else.
"Breathe, you can do this," I whisper to myself.
I look around for the light and once I can see it, I take a step forward.
Soon, I am running. I'm running as fast as I can.
But I'm not running toward the light,
I'm running to you.
My choice is still you.
KaylaMarie May 2019
I went back home but it was a little too late
Someone had come in and taken my place
Now where do I go and what do I do
When all this time I thought I belonged with you

But you ran to me saying "why did you leave
You walked away just when I started to believe
How was I supposed to know one day you’d return
Did you honestly think I’d just let this house burn?

The sun can’t just stop shining because you were gone
I had to pick up my life and find a place I belonged
I thought that it was supposed to be with you,
But you left me no choice, what was I to do?"

So I walked away from the house and into the storm
But it isn’t your fault, I had wasted my turn
And as much as I wish, I don’t think you’ll ever see
Just how much that decision ruined me
KaylaMarie May 2019
You tell me write it out until it heals
Write it out until it heals
And I'm trying to tell you that I am trying to write it out until it heals
but I keep stumbling over my words
I keep tripping over my own lips
I keep stuttering
and with every stutter
with every extra syllable
it's an extra hole that I am digging into the chasms of my own heart that I am trying to heal
and I'm trying to tell you that I am trying
but trying isn't making a difference because it's not making anything better.
I keep trying to open up these boxes inside of my own heart that have been kept hidden away for so long
but they are covered in cobwebs and layered with dust
and I am paralyzed at the thought of opening them up
because if the outside is this tainted,
what could possibly be on the inside?

You tell me write it out until it heals
write it out until it heals
and I am trying to tell you that I am trying to write it out until it heals
but when I was younger someone once told me that to fill a hole you had to dig a hole somewhere else to get the extra dirt
And I think that's why everything is getting worse and why it's hurting so badly;
I am taking the dirt out of my own hole to fill others with.
I am not willing to empty others or to take the dirt from someone else.
I am not willing to take dirt from somebody else to fill my own hole
and maybe that is my weakness, maybe that is my problem
because I am now surrounded by people who are taking my dirt to fill their own holes.
I keep giving and giving and giving away of myself to fill these other people
except eventually I hit a point where I no longer had any dirt.
And I ran out of dirt.
I ran out of dirt and I have no more within me.
And what happened was that everybody left.
What happened was everybody deserted me because I no longer had any dirt to fill what they needed.
And I was on my own.
I was on my own and I was alone.

You tell me write it out until it heals,
write it out until it heals,
and I am trying to tell you that I am trying to write it out until it heals
but with every memory that I grab from that hidden box in my heart
it resurfaces five more memories that I had forgotten about
and I can't bear the weight of it by myself.
I can't bear the weight of what they did to me.
I can't bear this much weight
and I keep closing people out for fear of what they will see inside of this box
because if they look inside the box, I know that they will leave and it will be my own fault.
It will be me who caused them to leave,
it will be me, and I will be the only person to blame when they leave.
I will be the only person to blame when they see these boxes
I will be the only person to blame when they leave me
for who could stand by my side when I have such heavy burdens?
When I have these suitcases of memories and when I have these travel bags of pain that I carry around
who could stand by my side?
Nobody should have to take that on.
Nobody needs to take on
and so I remain untouchable, I remain afraid and alone
And I am not sure if there is any hope that I will ever break this curse.
And so I hide and so I isolate which only makes it so that I don't have to open these boxes.
And when these boxes remain unopened, they remain untouchable,
they remain untouchable and so I myself believed that I am untouchable
that I am not capable of receiving love
that I am not worthy of receiving love
and these memories are drowning me.

You tell me write it out until it heals,
write it out until it heals
and I am trying to tell you that I am trying to write it out until it heals

— The End —