I want to love you
Yet I'm scared to
So I will write this poem
And hope my heart won't roam.
It's been battered and beaten
And frankly shouldn't be beating
Yet I keep on being.
Today I cried,
But I didn't lie
No, not when I said I love you.

I couldn't say it in words,
So instead my pen bled.
Hesitant at first, written with a shaky scrawl
Then more confident the loops and lines became.
Then silence as the mind hears all.
Blocking out the noise with its own emptiness.
Withdrawing inside this castle of mine
Here I reside,
Here I hide.
I couldn't say it with words, so my pen wrote it instead.

A gaping hole
Pain in emptiness
Someplace the sun never reaches
Someplace forgotten
Someone left behind.
One with a mask,
With ugliness hidden deep inside.
An empty blackness, I'm falling.
Falling

Falling...


And then I hit the bottom.

I didn't know what I needed
But here I stand, heart heated.
I am flailing, I am greed
I am drowning, I am need
I am silent, I am defeated.
I gave it all until beneath the weight I broke
What if from a nightmare I never woke?
Perhaps it was my greatest fear
What pulled me out of the water

I remember now why I believed the lie...
Because in reality you forgot to care
And I became just another cloud in the sky.

What is it to live?
To love.
To feel.
To be.

It is pain my little one.

Why am I alone?

Because you cannot care for others enough little one.

How much must I give?

Everything and more.

Faint brightness shines hundreds of miles away making her feel lonely as she stares out the rain streaked window.
His light, which used to shine so bright to her, grows dimmer as the distance between them grows.
Her heart feels heavy, her limbs grow weak.
She knows not what lies in his heart, let alone her own.
All she wants is to be close to the warmth that used to be a daily part of her life.
As the night grows darker, so does her heart leaving her with an empty spot he used to fill.
She needs to be held, but doesn't want to be touched.
She wants to ask, but her fear of rejection is so strong that she can't even force the question out of her mind into existence.
She needs the light, to breathe, to see clearly, to remind her of who she is. Who she was before the grey. Who she could be, but never will.

Doritos in the trash
Unopened, untouched
Jealousy clutching her mind in it's icy grip
The door slams shut,
Words spoken of anger and pain yelled at him.
The rest of us hiding under the blankets,
Hiding from the jealousy and the Doritos in the trash.

You pretend to be okay,
You put on a facquade
I know. I understand.
I do too.
We try so hard to pretend to be okay that occasionally we even feel okay.

I'm sorry. I honestly am.
The princess screams from her prison, warning the knight class in bright shiny armor about the dragon.
He call up to her, "I see no dragon, therefore I shall come for you!"
She collapses to the floor, her voice all but strong.
A long moment passes, filled with her thoughts, the ones she cannot contain.
He kneels before her and takes her away.
He never realized the dragon was her.
She wasn't strong enough to fight it, and so it consumed her and left the knight alone again.

It's back again
Churning and burning it's way through my shield and into the souls of those around me.
Affecting and inflicting damage that cannot be undone.
If I said I was sorry, I think I would be wrong.
Then again, my own soul feels kind of gone.
This torrent of feelings cannot be contained,
They want out, and will destroy anything in their way to thrive on their own.
They will move to the next unwilling host, and leave behind a husk.
An empty shell, yet a ghost of what was once a formidable being hollowed out to the feeble warrior at heart
The feelings want freedom, as much as the host, and they will destroy the world for their only goal.

Crimson colors fall to the ground
Shattered they lay turning to a melancholy faded grey
Reliving the deaths of all once again
Fallen, drifting across the bare floor
Forgotten.
A hand comes from nowhere to pick up the pieces of something once beautiful
Slowly the hand fits the shards together
But it is too late
So, yet again they lay on the ground.
Fallen

I will be there for you.
Through the pain and through the joy
I will lift you up and carry you when all you want to do is give up and lay on the floor.
I'll take all your cares says He, but then so will I.
I promise I'll be there to take all the shame, guilt, hurt and the bad things people have said to hurt you away.
Let me help you, help you not to hurt anymore.
Teach me what you need so that I can be there for you
Stay strong.
We believe in you to do anything you put your mind to.
I am yours and you are mine.
Today, tomorrow, forever.

You are the gravity to my black hole
Without you, I'd spin out of control
You're the moon to my wolf
Without you, there would be no light in the dark
I need you in my life before I drown in my strife
The perfect Yin to my Yang
The perfect balance to keep me grounded

Go away, leave my dark thoughts and I alone,
I have the lonely stars to keep me company.
Yet even they belong somewhere
Orion reminds me it takes more than one to make a hero,
The Little Dipper peeks out from behind clouds, telling me to dip into trust.
But I'm scared to open up, and be a part of something bigger.
Leave my dark thought and I alone like a lone star in the sky.

I'm scared to lose you,
But I don't want to abuse you...
I'm worried however, whether you have no time,
Or don't want to spend time
I'm attached, I'll admit, I want to spend every chance with you,
If only to feel whole for a moment.
It's wrong I know, and selfish as well, I probably shouldn't dwell.
Considering my past I don't even have the right.
I guess I'll fade with the night.
Prove to me you love me, I'm not asking for time, or objects.
I'm not trying to be controlling, dear Lord, not that...
I'm lost and can't breathe, this is silly I know, but sometimes I wonder...
Lost in the vortex,
Lost to the harsh Texan heat, of so many summers ago,
Lost to the guilt and fear weighing me down,
I guess I'll go, before I say more I'll regret
Say more than just hurt.

How does one write a breathtaking poem

One that inspires, not conspires.

How do the stanzas go, when I just feel so alone.

How can I write, when I can't even pick up the pen.

I've never been good at words, so I will pass on all of yours.

If you look into her eyes, down into her soul
You would see a heart struggling to beat.
Scars of a billion different sizes, as numerous as the stars in the night sky.
Don't you see that one wrong move and those old heart scars will burst?
Don't leave her, the remains of something once cherished behind like all the others.
Be careful when you tell her you care, those who've said that have all went away.
They all go away
People never change, she trusts no one, yet somehow opened her heart up one more time, for one last person in her empty soul.
She is tired of these scars, these reminders of those she's lost.
Don't become another one, or there may be nothing left to repair
Don't say you care, for the word has become a dark reminder of the lies it brings.
Shh now. she lays crumpled on the floor, wracked with pain she cannot describe.

Does anyone know what it really is to be alone
Surrounded by people yet
Totally.
Completely.
Alone.
Those of us who are alone wait in the Dark for someone to pay attention and care
Even when we don't, we want someone to care if we fade away like clouds in the open sky
No one wants to be alone
Even when they ask you to leave them be
They don't want to be alone, least of all me

Ah, the poets over thinking,
The artists over imagination.
Both go hand in hand for the destruction of all the suicides you see on the news.
We dream up a world of our design, and then when something doesn't happen, we crumpled to the floor, as lifeless as the paper we use.
These things can be good, but like everything, too much is bad.
We hope,
We dream,
We try to pick up the dust of our hearts, the only thing remaining after all hope has been lost.
How did hope begin?
What happened to make someone hope for a better future?
What a waste of time.
It gets you no where and leaves you stranded and trapped in a prison of your own design.
You made your cell, now rot in it.

Pretend.
Put on a mask every day and never let it fail

I never meant to hurt you.
I never wanted for this chain of pain.
I only wanted to be upset at myself for all of my flaws, and I was angry for the troubled state I was in.
I could never ever hurt you
But I hurt the one I promised never to hurt.
And now, I cannot fix it.
I feel lost already, wandering alone as usual
No place in sight, no destination.
If I could fix me, if only to help you I would a billion times over.
I wish I could take it back
Because I hurt the one person who has always been there for me, a strong tower above my head,
a warm embrace when I wish I was dead.
I never meant to hurt you

The irony,
If only we could see,
How easy it is to care for someone else.
To give your all until there is nothing left.
The disappointment life brings can never measure up to the hatred in my bones as red as blood, that we harness for "I"

If my depression, my inner demons were physical, then I could fight them                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­            If they were something standing right in front of me, instead of living in the darkest corners of my mind, slinking in the overpopulation of shadows                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                    Then I could make them feel the pain they've put me through all these years.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                  If only... it doesn't matter, we are together forevermore. Stuck with The Grey, stuck with myself

We hide behind the illusion of the words
"I'm okay."
Silently hating ourselves for waiting for the phone to ring so we can know we aren't alone.
Pretending to be alright when we need a hand to lift us out of the grey misery of our lives.
Imagine that. Illusionists pretending to be okay, but no one thinks the irony to be true

Jeans.
The the pants worn by the hardworkers in life
The trademark of the strong-willed and country strife

Yet people look down upon those of us wearing jeans.
They're not for everyone, like me.
I'm not for everyone, but someone.

Tomorrow's another day.

We are nothing but mindless drones,
Wandering from daily chore to chore,
With the goal in mind, yet no one knows what they really want
You lose. A lot.
As the sun exists, so do shadows.
But eventually you get through it.
It's like running, it hurts now, but eventually it gets better.
You just have to keep going.
Or else you get left behind.
And that's the truth.

I want to be alone, even when I'm scared to be lonely,
But I can be lonely with you
I can be safe next to you,
Loved next to you,
Free with you
We can do whatever, even take over the world and rule the seven seas and more
I don't have to be lonely
We have each other

A leaf adrift in the wind,
Turning, and spinning and floating around
No aim, and no goal.
Without the wind, the leaf lays alone on the forest floor destined to rot.
But the wind brings life, characteristic, and hope.

They say I'm the Lost Child.
Hiding,
avoiding conflict
Perhaps that's true...
Maybe I am lost,
But what if I'm hiding from myself?

I remember when you said you loved me the first time
    The words carressing my cheek like you do
    My soul, held ever so gently in your hands.
    That first kiss, held like a final note on a piano, sweet to no end.
    When I fell asleep on your lap, nightmares later, the faint memory of you chasing the demons away, floating on the edge of my thoughts
    Will you love me?
    Today
    Tomorrow
    Forever?
Unconditionally, my love.

I'm falling down into my shadow
It seems I had no light after all.
So comes the night, enveloping my soul in a cool star kissed breeze
So comes the distant lights, shining comfortably and constant
When all have abandoned...

It's here.
All around you
Look and you'll see
It's infinite, our human brains can't understand it because of it's complexity.
The instruments we use vary widely
From burning our hair on soldering irons
To ripping it out when code doesn't work.
We are constantly trying to understand everything around us
Never lose that curiosity

I don't know what to do.
I've lost the only reason to live.
Please don't miss me, I won't.
I can't continue the struggle to breathe anymore.
I want to destroy something.
I guess I'll have to do.
I want the pain, no, I need the pain.
It's the only thing I deserve anymore.
I hate myself so much.
So long cruel world.

All I can dream of is death
I have no goals
I'm failing in life, because I care no more.
Please, when I'm gone, don't cry. Don't miss me.
All I ask is for a few nice words when I'm in the wooden box. And to not try to stop me.
The fight was over before it even started.
Goodbye, I'll see you never

Pen to paper my heart pours out,
All of the lonely,
All of the hurt.
All of the things I've never said
And all of the things I'll do till I'm dead

Pen to paper a soul cries out,
Save me from myself for I cannot,
Save those of us with no choice but to feel what defines us.

Pen to paper a mind realizes,
We are such insignificant beasts as to darken the world around us yet nature would move on without us,
Such foul creatures as to destroy the truth and poison the pure hearted.

Pens to paper,
Collectively they groan
Weeping for the lost and the found
Weeping for reasons long forgotten.

Pens no longer to paper,
Pens fallen to the ground.

I hate the world for letting me down when I can barely stand
The demoralizing things they say behind other people's back, thinking only of themselves.
But most of all, I hate hope.
Because it never holds out.
There's nothing I won't do, but nothing they will do.
Don't tell me something if it's going to be a cruel lie in the morning.
I see now. It's not the night that represents the bad, but rather the day.
They wake during the day.
Leave me and my broken heart alone if you aren't going to keep your word, for without it, what is the point of trust?

She was told to turn her pain into power.
She was the most powerful human in the world. And it was her own fault.
She used her lion in her heart to protect the weak and the beast in her belly to save others.
Yet she couldn't save herself in the end.

I'm tired of pretending day after day,
     So lost in my lies I can't find my way...
It drains your energy, thinking you're okay
     When you can't get out of bed to face the day...
What happens when I believe the lie?
      That's the goal right?
To feel until you can feel no more.
     Born to die.
Life until death, chaos until calm.
     Restlessness until you can pace no more.
You want the real me? Here I am in all my disappointing failure.
     Welcome to life, pretend until it becomes your reality.

It will come again, creeping on cats' paws,
But not tonight.
When those scars have finally faded, the angry slashes and the story they told,
When the snow melts and the fire burns itself out,
When new birth abounds in plenty,
That is when the dark comes.
But with you, I know I can face it.
There are no words to convey the gratitude swelling the hard black rock of a heart into something open and welcoming.
The scars have faded, and new ones will come, but tonight?
The stars shine brightly guiding the way towards tomorrow.

It must be wrong.
What I'm feeling
     Loneliness is just another ploy for attention
It's wrong to want to have you around
Or anyone.
It's selfish if I just want to die and forget about
     Everything.
You ask, I'll give.
I ask
     I will be beaten down.
I understand now
That it is selfish to think of anyone but
     Everyone else.

It feels wrong, as if I'm enslaving you when I ask.
The humble slave, struggling for freedom, lost in his mind, wanting to escape
I know already that I'm unimportant
But I've asked so much of you.
The cruel prison to an innocent man
I won't ask again.
Just know that maybe, just maybe I could...
Never mind, I'll return to my trench. At least I have The Grey for company

Silent tears are the most painful,
They tell the tales that their owner doesn't have the energy to anymore.
The tell such a story of past pain and the pain of those the loved the most.
The ones who commit an unspeakable crime against themselves and the world are never the ones you expect.
They weep, but with silent tears where no one can see their hurt.
It just takes one moment to change a billion more.
Don't go, even through your guilt and pain, I can promise you, whatever you're planning of doing, it's not worth it.
Let someone hold you and wipe your tears - your pain, away and let them hold you when you can't.
Let me help you...

My silent scream for help, gone unnoticed yet again.
Joy is the many knives of Julius Ceasar
Stabbing me in the back
I wait for someone to notice, that I'm not okay, I don't know how to be
Does anyone know that sometimes, I don't want to always be the one to start the one way conversation?
Asking, "How was your day?" When the underlying pain says "Help me. I don't want to be alone so talk to me every once in a while"
Every time I get no reply wondering if they are still alive, or if they simply don't like me.
Silent Tears running down my face at the end of every night, reminding me of the losses of the day.
Silent Tears to mark the end of the day, and the start of a new pain

Lie she here
At the foot of the tearstained bed.
Ever watchful,
Ever alert.
Above her lay her only friend,
The one with the inner demons.
She looks up to assure the life she holds in her possession is still being lived.
The soul still beating,
She lays her head back on her paws and watches for the inner demons of her master

I feel as if I'm moving too fast for you,
Perhaps if I could reach the switch to make my brain stop thinking these thoughts of reckless abandon.
I miss you so much, but I'm too fast.
Like a blur in a car, you can't touch me without being hurt
I'm thinking about so much, when I'm around you, it slows
The war in my mind comes to an immediate ceasefire.
I'm sorry The Grey is too fast, dragging me along with it...

Until the frailty of the world fades,
Until the fragile state of the world comes to an end,
Our minds will degrade, and our bodies will fade
Unless we come together
To solve a global problem, and make peace with ourselves and neighbors
If we have to sign our names on papers,
Until our children have a future to look forward to,
I will not stop trying to fix the population.
Whatever that means...

Strength comes from the soul
     It is not given
Strength can only be found
     During the darkest of nights
At a time when colors blend together
     It is gained when a person realizes
The simple truth
     Keep moving.
     The pain won't last till the morning
     light
     You can and will rise above
Find your strength to get up off the ground
Push forward because
Somewhere.
Sometime.
Somehow.
     You are loved.
     You are worthy.
     You are strong.