I didn't know what I needed
But here I stand, heart heated.
I am flailing, I am greed
I am drowning, I am need
I am silent, I am defeated.
I gave it all until beneath the weight I broke
What if from a nightmare I never woke?
Perhaps it was my greatest fear
What pulled me out of the water

I'm falling down into my shadow
It seems I had no light after all.
So comes the night, enveloping my soul in a cool star kissed breeze
So comes the distant lights, shining comfortably and constant
When all have abandoned...

Tomorrow's another day.

I couldn't say it in words,
So instead my pen bled.
Hesitant at first, written with a shaky scrawl
Then more confident the loops and lines became.
Then silence as the mind hears all.
Blocking out the noise with its own emptiness.
Withdrawing inside this castle of mine
Here I reside,
Here I hide.
I couldn't say it with words, so my pen wrote it instead.

A gaping hole
Pain in emptiness
Someplace the sun never reaches
Someplace forgotten
Someone left behind.
One with a mask,
With ugliness hidden deep inside.
An empty blackness, I'm falling.
Falling

Falling...


And then I hit the bottom.

We are nothing but mindless drones,
Wandering from daily chore to chore,
With the goal in mind, yet no one knows what they really want
You lose. A lot.
As the sun exists, so do shadows.
But eventually you get through it.
It's like running, it hurts now, but eventually it gets better.
You just have to keep going.
Or else you get left behind.
And that's the truth.

If I had one wish,
I'd ask for my life to cease to exist
Because I refuse to go on living like this.
Or would I beg to be rid of this disease?
The one that plagues every thought, tinging them grey at the edges,
Blurring my vision
This must be my life's final mission,
To make those happy I can, and mourn those I cannot
For the hole in my soul where I lost my own identity,
I will go on in the day, and cry myself to sleep at night, and hopefully fate will be kind enough to drown me in my tears

I want to love you
Yet I'm scared to
So I will write this poem
And hope my heart won't roam.
It's been battered and beaten
And frankly shouldn't be beating
Yet I keep on being.
Today I cried,
But I didn't lie
No, not when I said I love you.

I remember now why I believed the lie...
Because in reality you forgot to care
And I became just another cloud in the sky.

What is it to live?
To love.
To feel.
To be.

It is pain my little one.

Why am I alone?

Because you cannot care for others enough little one.

How much must I give?

Everything and more.

The irony,
If only we could see,
How easy it is to care for someone else.
To give your all until there is nothing left.
The disappointment life brings can never measure up to the hatred in my bones as red as blood, that we harness for "I"

It will come again, creeping on cats' paws,
But not tonight.
When those scars have finally faded, the angry slashes and the story they told,
When the snow melts and the fire burns itself out,
When new birth abounds in plenty,
That is when the dark comes.
But with you, I know I can face it.
There are no words to convey the gratitude swelling the hard black rock of a heart into something open and welcoming.
The scars have faded, and new ones will come, but tonight?
The stars shine brightly guiding the way towards tomorrow.

I'm tired of pretending day after day,
     So lost in my lies I can't find my way...
It drains your energy, thinking you're okay
     When you can't get out of bed to face the day...
What happens when I believe the lie?
      That's the goal right?
To feel until you can feel no more.
     Born to die.
Life until death, chaos until calm.
     Restlessness until you can pace no more.
You want the real me? Here I am in all my disappointing failure.
     Welcome to life, pretend until it becomes your reality.

How does one write a breathtaking poem

One that inspires, not conspires.

How do the stanzas go, when I just feel so alone.

How can I write, when I can't even pick up the pen.

I've never been good at words, so I will pass on all of yours.

It's back again
Churning and burning it's way through my shield and into the souls of those around me.
Affecting and inflicting damage that cannot be undone.
If I said I was sorry, I think I would be wrong.
Then again, my own soul feels kind of gone.
This torrent of feelings cannot be contained,
They want out, and will destroy anything in their way to thrive on their own.
They will move to the next unwilling host, and leave behind a husk.
An empty shell, yet a ghost of what was once a formidable being hollowed out to the feeble warrior at heart
The feelings want freedom, as much as the host, and they will destroy the world for their only goal.

A leaf adrift in the wind,
Turning, and spinning and floating around
No aim, and no goal.
Without the wind, the leaf lays alone on the forest floor destined to rot.
But the wind brings life, characteristic, and hope.

All I can dream of is death
I have no goals
I'm failing in life, because I care no more.
Please, when I'm gone, don't cry. Don't miss me.
All I ask is for a few nice words when I'm in the wooden box. And to not try to stop me.
The fight was over before it even started.
Goodbye, I'll see you never

Two bright souls wander in a thick bracken
One a comforting green, one a devoid of life grey color
Both each have their own ideas on where their destiny lay.
Two souls stumble into each other in a meadow
A canvas of green and bright white light encompass the forest floor.
Flowers of every color surround them, weaving throughout the branches of the canopy.
The grey one feels itself drawing closer, but is scared to react in any way that might disturb the other.
It fears spreading the grey to the lively green one, so it drifts away.
The farther it goes, the darker it's light turns
The light one follows at a distance, yet still keeping the grey one in sight.
They meet up again, this time their bond growing stronger.
Three years later the one that once was grey is an almost translucent sheen, the other the most beautiful, full of life light green.
They spend time together as often as possible, but the grey one disappears just as often, each time it returns, the more invisible it became
One day, the grey one came back, but the green couldn't see it anymore. It's became a sickly green color and moved on with it's life.
The grey one always followed, never seen, never heard. Eventually, it went on its own way, yet whenever it saw the other, it would follow the green one until it turned a brighter color. Even when it followed after a royal purpleish colored one and got brighter, the grey one still followed, even though a deep sorrow lingered in it's heart.

Your promises are made to be broken.
Your words, are spoken to be taken back.
How can I trust one with no inner emotion?

Faint brightness shines hundreds of miles away making her feel lonely as she stares out the rain streaked window.
His light, which used to shine so bright to her, grows dimmer as the distance between them grows.
Her heart feels heavy, her limbs grow weak.
She knows not what lies in his heart, let alone her own.
All she wants is to be close to the warmth that used to be a daily part of her life.
As the night grows darker, so does her heart leaving her with an empty spot he used to fill.
She needs to be held, but doesn't want to be touched.
She wants to ask, but her fear of rejection is so strong that she can't even force the question out of her mind into existence.
She needs the light, to breathe, to see clearly, to remind her of who she is. Who she was before the grey. Who she could be, but never will.

The heart scars reopens
Especially when you give your all to someone and you're too blind to see what it is.
Because at fifteen, when someone says they love you and bother to talk to the one hiding behind a curtain of hair,
You feel wanted.
You feel loved.
You feel like you matter.
But you don't, so watch your back.
Careful who you let in before it's too late to run

I don't know what to do.
I've lost the only reason to live.
Please don't miss me, I won't.
I can't continue the struggle to breathe anymore.
I want to destroy something.
I guess I'll have to do.
I want the pain, no, I need the pain.
It's the only thing I deserve anymore.
I hate myself so much.
So long cruel world.

She was told to turn her pain into power.
She was the most powerful human in the world. And it was her own fault.
She used her lion in her heart to protect the weak and the beast in her belly to save others.
Yet she couldn't save herself in the end.

You tell me to be strong
You tell me to hold on
Yet I lay here with nothing but my dog
I'd pour my heart out for you,
If only to tell you that you are loved
You are the perfect peace to my chaos
Thank you for never letting me be lost

The soft white to the grey, not fighting it.
Just enveloping it in his strong arms in a loving embrace,
Turning it from grey into the loveliest gold.
Purifying her.
Protecting her from herself.
Then the white leaves and it's back to grey.
She wants to be independent, yet without her white noise, she is lost to the suicidal silence.
He doesn't know it, but wait, the light will come around again.
Hold strong till tomorrow.

And so she left.

I'm sorry. I honestly am.
The princess screams from her prison, warning the knight class in bright shiny armor about the dragon.
He call up to her, "I see no dragon, therefore I shall come for you!"
She collapses to the floor, her voice all but strong.
A long moment passes, filled with her thoughts, the ones she cannot contain.
He kneels before her and takes her away.
He never realized the dragon was her.
She wasn't strong enough to fight it, and so it consumed her and left the knight alone again.

Go away, leave my dark thoughts and I alone,
I have the lonely stars to keep me company.
Yet even they belong somewhere
Orion reminds me it takes more than one to make a hero,
The Little Dipper peeks out from behind clouds, telling me to dip into trust.
But I'm scared to open up, and be a part of something bigger.
Leave my dark thought and I alone like a lone star in the sky.

Silent tears are the most painful,
They tell the tales that their owner doesn't have the energy to anymore.
The tell such a story of past pain and the pain of those the loved the most.
The ones who commit an unspeakable crime against themselves and the world are never the ones you expect.
They weep, but with silent tears where no one can see their hurt.
It just takes one moment to change a billion more.
Don't go, even through your guilt and pain, I can promise you, whatever you're planning of doing, it's not worth it.
Let someone hold you and wipe your tears - your pain, away and let them hold you when you can't.
Let me help you...

I want to be alone, even when I'm scared to be lonely,
But I can be lonely with you
I can be safe next to you,
Loved next to you,
Free with you
We can do whatever, even take over the world and rule the seven seas and more
I don't have to be lonely
We have each other

Until the frailty of the world fades,
Until the fragile state of the world comes to an end,
Our minds will degrade, and our bodies will fade
Unless we come together
To solve a global problem, and make peace with ourselves and neighbors
If we have to sign our names on papers,
Until our children have a future to look forward to,
I will not stop trying to fix the population.
Whatever that means...

I will be there for you.
Through the pain and through the joy
I will lift you up and carry you when all you want to do is give up and lay on the floor.
I'll take all your cares says He, but then so will I.
I promise I'll be there to take all the shame, guilt, hurt and the bad things people have said to hurt you away.
Let me help you, help you not to hurt anymore.
Teach me what you need so that I can be there for you
Stay strong.
We believe in you to do anything you put your mind to.
I am yours and you are mine.
Today, tomorrow, forever.

Ah, the poets over thinking,
The artists over imagination.
Both go hand in hand for the destruction of all the suicides you see on the news.
We dream up a world of our design, and then when something doesn't happen, we crumpled to the floor, as lifeless as the paper we use.
These things can be good, but like everything, too much is bad.
We hope,
We dream,
We try to pick up the dust of our hearts, the only thing remaining after all hope has been lost.
How did hope begin?
What happened to make someone hope for a better future?
What a waste of time.
It gets you no where and leaves you stranded and trapped in a prison of your own design.
You made your cell, now rot in it.

I hate the world for letting me down when I can barely stand
The demoralizing things they say behind other people's back, thinking only of themselves.
But most of all, I hate hope.
Because it never holds out.
There's nothing I won't do, but nothing they will do.
Don't tell me something if it's going to be a cruel lie in the morning.
I see now. It's not the night that represents the bad, but rather the day.
They wake during the day.
Leave me and my broken heart alone if you aren't going to keep your word, for without it, what is the point of trust?

No, I will not cry.
Not tonight,
The world has been cursed with my tears long enough.
They stopped asking if I was alright.
That doesn't mean I am.
Tonight I will not cry because I hold on to the naive hope that I am not alone.
By the morning, I will be more alone than ever.
I'm fine.
I will not cry.
I will not cry
i will not cry...

I hate this day for the pitiful meaning it stands for.
I'd rather be burned as a witch than have someone look at me with love in their eyes this day.
It is a day of bleak desolation
Nothing more.
All the anger and hate inside swells to twice its size leaving no trace of happiness and joy whatever that is.
Leave me alone, or face the demon.

This is why I trust no one. Because everyone leaves, and they never look back.
Or they're around when it's convenient for them.
I'm taking charge, you treat me how you want to be treated, I'm done being pushed down and stuck in the middle of everyone's ****.
And I'm.done.

It feels wrong, as if I'm enslaving you when I ask.
The humble slave, struggling for freedom, lost in his mind, wanting to escape
I know already that I'm unimportant
But I've asked so much of you.
The cruel prison to an innocent man
I won't ask again.
Just know that maybe, just maybe I could...
Never mind, I'll return to my trench. At least I have The Grey for company

I feel as if I'm moving too fast for you,
Perhaps if I could reach the switch to make my brain stop thinking these thoughts of reckless abandon.
I miss you so much, but I'm too fast.
Like a blur in a car, you can't touch me without being hurt
I'm thinking about so much, when I'm around you, it slows
The war in my mind comes to an immediate ceasefire.
I'm sorry The Grey is too fast, dragging me along with it...

If you look into her eyes, down into her soul
You would see a heart struggling to beat.
Scars of a billion different sizes, as numerous as the stars in the night sky.
Don't you see that one wrong move and those old heart scars will burst?
Don't leave her, the remains of something once cherished behind like all the others.
Be careful when you tell her you care, those who've said that have all went away.
They all go away
People never change, she trusts no one, yet somehow opened her heart up one more time, for one last person in her empty soul.
She is tired of these scars, these reminders of those she's lost.
Don't become another one, or there may be nothing left to repair
Don't say you care, for the word has become a dark reminder of the lies it brings.
Shh now. she lays crumpled on the floor, wracked with pain she cannot describe.

I never meant to hurt you.
I never wanted for this chain of pain.
I only wanted to be upset at myself for all of my flaws, and I was angry for the troubled state I was in.
I could never ever hurt you
But I hurt the one I promised never to hurt.
And now, I cannot fix it.
I feel lost already, wandering alone as usual
No place in sight, no destination.
If I could fix me, if only to help you I would a billion times over.
I wish I could take it back
Because I hurt the one person who has always been there for me, a strong tower above my head,
a warm embrace when I wish I was dead.
I never meant to hurt you

I'm scared to lose you,
But I don't want to abuse you...
I'm worried however, whether you have no time,
Or don't want to spend time
I'm attached, I'll admit, I want to spend every chance with you,
If only to feel whole for a moment.
It's wrong I know, and selfish as well, I probably shouldn't dwell.
Considering my past I don't even have the right.
I guess I'll fade with the night.
Prove to me you love me, I'm not asking for time, or objects.
I'm not trying to be controlling, dear Lord, not that...
I'm lost and can't breathe, this is silly I know, but sometimes I wonder...
Lost in the vortex,
Lost to the harsh Texan heat, of so many summers ago,
Lost to the guilt and fear weighing me down,
I guess I'll go, before I say more I'll regret
Say more than just hurt.

Tell me you love me.
I need to hear the truth,
Am I paranoid, or correct?
I don't have time for guilt about this question,
But I need to know before it's too late.
It feels like no one really cares.
Maybe if they did I wouldn't be feeling this way.
Don't tell me I'm just lonely, or depressed, and not to feel this way.
I can't help it, and I'm losing control.
Tell me you love me,
Or let me pretend.
No time, yet plenty of it.
Leave me alone, but I'm scared of being alone.
Don't tell me you love me, unless it's true.
Don't let me think I'm alone when you're around
Don't tell me you want to talk to me and then don't
I get my hopes up to get them crushed.
Maybe I need to go to bed, you say,
Maybe I need to not be alone...
When I tell you goodnight, do you realize how when you tell me to go to bed, I feel like you're trying to brush me off, or don't want me around.
I understand, I don't want to be around either.
Goodnight.

I won't make I through the year.
You should leave and forget about me
When I'm gone maybe it won't hurt as bad...
How can you love me? Why do you?
Why, when The Grey dictates every aspect of my life.
I'm sorry, don't worry about me, this is the last time I'll say it.

Why can't you hear my silent cries for help?
Don't you remember who I used to be?
Someone not afraid of everyone,
Someone who wouldn't question when someone was nice, one who wasn't afraid to have a voice.
Someone who isn't Grey.
Why can't you hear my ragged voice, straining to be heard from my prison of self creation?

If my depression, my inner demons were physical, then I could fight them                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­            If they were something standing right in front of me, instead of living in the darkest corners of my mind, slinking in the overpopulation of shadows                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                    Then I could make them feel the pain they've put me through all these years.                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                  If only... it doesn't matter, we are together forevermore. Stuck with The Grey, stuck with myself

They say I'm the Lost Child.
Hiding,
avoiding conflict
Perhaps that's true...
Maybe I am lost,
But what if I'm hiding from myself?

It's here.
All around you
Look and you'll see
It's infinite, our human brains can't understand it because of it's complexity.
The instruments we use vary widely
From burning our hair on soldering irons
To ripping it out when code doesn't work.
We are constantly trying to understand everything around us
Never lose that curiosity

Lie she here
At the foot of the tearstained bed.
Ever watchful,
Ever alert.
Above her lay her only friend,
The one with the inner demons.
She looks up to assure the life she holds in her possession is still being lived.
The soul still beating,
She lays her head back on her paws and watches for the inner demons of her master