I can still remember the smell of your cologne mixed with ***
I can remember the smell of your cigarette burning my skin
And I can remember my hopes of someone seeing you doing this
Being shattered
Because you were good
I have to admit that
You were good
Good at picking and choosing your prey
Your were great at created bruises where people would never see
You were good at making your grip seem soft even if your close to breaking my arm
You were good at making it seem like you were a 16 year old even though you were actually 25
You were good at threatening my sisters lives so that I didn't say anything
You were good at making me afraid
Your were good at keeping me hostage without being chained and bound to a cement wall
Oh but that wall was stronger than anything in this world
You were good at making my blood pour onto the floor
You were even better at making knives cut my skin
You were pretty **** good at it all
Apparently you were so good that the police needed
Evidence
All the evidence was on my skin
But i was good too
I was good at smiling when I was scared
I was good at keeping the tears back
I was good at not telling anyone
I was good at keeping your secrets on my skin
I was good at walking with out a limp
I was good at breathing even when it hurt
I was good keeping the cuts close with tape
I was good at living even when I wanted to give up
But you were good at keeping me alive even when i begged you to end me
We Were both good
But I'm better
I'm better because I'm still here
I'm better because even if it felt impossible
I came out on top of things and I came out strong
I came out of all the abuse and i made a life for myself even if it is a little rocky at time
Even if I do fear public places I'm still here
I still made it and you didn't
You're gone now
And I'm better than you would have ever been in your entire lifetime
I am always better than you

I bet you don't know that you saved me
I bet you don't know that you make me feel better than I ever have before
I bet you don't know that your the reason I'm still here
As I sat looking through my messages to people to say goodbye to
I bet you don't know that going back and giving you my number was not what I expected to do
But I did and you made me smile and you helped me through the night I wasn't supposed to make it through
I bet you don't know that I woke up the next morning because for some reason something finally felt right
It felt like someone cared
I bet you don't know that when I say I love you
I truly mean it and you have no clue just how much my heart longs for  you
I bet you don't know just how much I would do to keep you in my life
Because I'd be beaten again
and broken again and hurt again
and shattered again and scared again
As long as the end result was the way I feel when I have you
When I talk to you
When I am held by you
I bet you don't know that you've helped me so much more that you could ever imagine
Because you care and I need that
Because you're funny and after everything I've been through I need that
My smile has recovered
Its back
I bet you don't know the impact you have on my life
But I know that I'm going to try my best to make yours amazing
I know you know I love you
But I bet you don't know how much
I bet a million on you

The waters running
overflowing
The music is blaring
The neighbors are calling
The cops are coming
Gate jumping
Laughing
Friends wondering
Tree climbing and fun having
Knees scraping
Grass staining
Street lighting
Curfew having
Morning waking
Fun day repeating
Ice cream melting
Ball throwing
Frisbee catching
Abandon buildings exploring
Window breaking
Sugar cane tasting
Memory making

These prison doors will open soon
These shackles will be removed
The taste of freedom will dance in my tongue while I dance in the sun
I will slowly walk not run
Enjoying and taking everything and have all the fun
I will not hear the sword sharpen by your mouth any longer
My heart will not be pierced
Do you care ?
I wonder
I shall leave here
I shall not fear
Maybe I’ll even have a beer
A party is to come
Alone I shall be
The person I become
Is someone you’ll not be allowed to see
The darkness will not follow
I’m determined there be no more sorrow
From the person meant to protect me
I’ll soon be smiling and free

I keep looking for this on and off switch in my head.
Turning corners
Wondering where the switch is.
Those switches are for my emotions
But I can’t seem to find the right one.
There’s no labels
It’s like going through a fuse box and looking down the hall way to see which switch turns off which room
But this isn’t a room
And there’s no switch to stop all this.

I shall not beg for your crumbs
I shall not eat at your feet
I shall now bow down with hands outstretched together towards you hoping for any ounce of love of nurturing.
My hands are clean my heart is pure.
Your mind is corrupted by the greed your heart produces so deep you can’t even see it
I shall not beg for you to do what you should
To do what you have an obligation to
For maybe you have no obligation to me but me to myself to set these boundaries.
I shall not allow you to enter my mind space and steal what I cherish.
I shall not beg for your crumbs when there is a full meal for me to prepare

I just saw your name
And **** what a shame
You’re still breathing

Nothing from my mouth means much
I am silenced
I am unheard
Nothing from my mouth carries volume
I am over looked
I am unappreciated
Nothing from my mouth makes sense
As I am driven away with screams from your mouth that seem to hold much power in my head.
My mouth will have power once again.

When I am gone
Remember the actions you showed
And the intentions behind them that you’ll never own up to.
When I don’t want anymore to do with anything
Remember what your mindset was
Remember how you never could hear anything other than your own excuses or lies
Remember who was telling the truth and labeled a liar
Remember the liar who was always believed.
But you’ll never get a glimpse of my truth.
You don’t deserve it

I want to know what it's like to have a quiet mind
I want to know what it's like to stop searching with nothing to find
I want to know what people are actually thinking instead imagining the worst
I was happy at first.
I saw lights and smelt perfumes
now its fighting my mind with everything that I basically "assume"
I went to parties and stayed out late.
Now I stay home and stay up late.
I sleep all day and I fight my thoughts away.
Maybe the medications are the way.
If you're fighting this too
I'm also with you
Not like the ones who say it
But don’t mean it
Yes, you are great,
While I fight my fate
While I fight it alone
On this flight where will I be flown
I do that sometimes
Make up destinations
with no expectations
just imaginations and fascinations
My god I need a vacation
where will it be?
to the land of Zoloft?
no
Maybe the village of kolonopin
OH
A trip to the Aderalls.
Yeah those feel about right
oh I bet I'm sight
I bet I'm a sight

It’s crippling
Breath trembling
My pain is paining
My body is falling
No one’s calling
The ambulance isn’t coming
There is no running
Just tumbling
The ground is falling
Beneath my feet
It’s dropping
My body is trembling

I was looking for Superman
Spiderman
Batman
Any hero
To save me from the fists
The hands
The body
The breath on the back of my neck
The sweat falling onto my face
But I was met with continuous unbearable repercussions for actions I didn’t partake in
There was no superhero there to save me
But the villain is slayed
By all the parts put together that were once used against me
No law made him pay and he took his own way out
I needed a hero then
But I’m my own hero now
I slay my villains
I fight my battles and I charge into any war there is because Superman didn’t fly down to my rescue
Spider-Man didn’t catch me with his web
And Batman didn’t pull up when I sent out that signal
I did it
I slayed my villain
I am my hero

The weight of this ball and chain has won
I have no nourishment in this body to fight
Living in the basement
The same four walls
This prison
I won’t make it out alive
The captures who put me here have won
I’ve made a list of goodbyes to ghosts who will never hear them
Maybe they will rattle their chains for me as I pass

Once you’ve stood up for yourself
You’re no longer the person they told their secrets to
You’re no longer trusted
You’re no longer the person they run to
Instead they take this Mary go round for a spin and tear you up from within
The ride starts to spin and like children they run to all you’re favorite people and ****** them in
One by one the options are taken
Who you can talk to and have in your life to not look down on you based on lies becomes scarce
But dare I start picking my seat at the the Mary go round
Dare I speak the truth of the adulterer ?
Dare I tell of the nights you lay your head on her pillow while she’s gone
Dare I speak the truth of lust from one family member to another?
Dare I tell of the names wearing masks in your phone ?
Dare I tell the secrets ?
Dare I choose to hit the button and make this ride spin and spin and spin
I know who I am
I was trusted.
Dismissed
Kicked and pushed
I had a rope for a spine
Too loose to keep this body up let alone fine
But I lace this rope though my metal rod tightening it with my every being
Now ask yourself this
What TRUTH will she soon be speaking?

She’s learning to be silent
To move with the waves of the sea
Crashing against her body
Each wave taking her further and further until she is no where to be seen
She is learning that she is not drowning
There is no need for a life vest
There is no need for someone to come save her
She is learning that family can be a neighbor
She is learning that love is labor and a labor of love is worth earning
There is no boat for her here
There is only storms to take her further as she awaits to stumble on some beautiful island
To be at peace with the sea
To be able to stand on land
To succeed once she’s freed