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54 · Dec 2020
The Happy People
Kaitland Dec 2020
I’m trapped inside my mind
Locked the door and through out the key
Now the pitch black night is my only company
I pass the days in solitude
Watch the busy world buzz by
I see Happy people walking &
I wonder what there lives are like?
How they are so different from mine
What happened long ago to me
To end up in such tragedy
54 · May 2021
Thriller
Kaitland May 2021
There was a moment
During my life
I can almost pin point it down
See though clean
On the edge of my seat
I hang on to my chair
The room goes silent
Bracing myself for the monster
To jump out from the darkness
And grab the idiot walking towards it
I want to scream
“Turn back! The monster is in there! He will grab you and take you away”
It Turned out I was the idiot
Walking willingly towards the darkest corners where the light never reaches
But I was not grabbed, the monster was not large and scary
So I took its hand and we walked together
Still Sometimes now I want to point my fingers accusingly “Look what they did to me” I’d holler! They are to blame! But there is nobody to blame because the monster who grabbed me and took me and made me something horrible from which there will be no return
Was essentially.......me.
52 · Dec 2020
It was only a dream....
Kaitland Dec 2020
Will we always be this way?
Project our hearts on a tv screen
And when we closed our eyes
You crawled inside of me
And you slept in my blood
Like the way you sleep now
The pills piled up to cushion my head
But I could no longer sleep and cried out for death, well Just rest now, and in a moment you will know everything, it’s only dream?
Now the quietest hush won’t calm me down
But sending my neurons firing into a dim lit rage. Because you and I will never be this way again.
52 · Dec 2020
Don’t come November
Kaitland Dec 2020
I’m Attempting to balance the look on my face
While Drowning myself in these pills that I take
And Now matter how long I peer from my display case
I know it is better to want you in my head
With No relief from my longing
Because Winter is coming
So don’t bring November
With No warmth from a whisper
You said it’d be better
But I can’t remember...........
What’s even the matter?
52 · Dec 2020
Fever Dream
Kaitland Dec 2020
Fever dream
You’re all I need
a fantasy to fall asleep
an obsession to occupy my mind
something to waste my time
Fever Dream never leave
without you I’m stuck in between
a dull lit life of grayish blue
fading memories once of you
where I lived to dream
not dream to sleep
fever dream so sickly sweet
50 · Dec 2020
Death
Kaitland Dec 2020
It’s been a while since I could remember
every detail of you’re face, little lines once so familiar. Dips and gleams. The way you looked at me. Multiple Shades of blue, the things that made you, you. You’re smell, smile, laugh, you’re jokes and quarks. I feared when you left I’d never know love again and I’ve lived that to be true. In the casket of my heart I always drag you. Waiting for the day I close my eyes for the final time to know love and be loved again.
50 · Dec 2020
Never Fall.......
Kaitland Dec 2020
If I let myself fall
I’d never get back up
I’m pulling back, the breaks are on
You’re not gonna take care of me
And I will not let myself crave you
I’ve never more wanted to not be in love
Than I am today, now.
The world is a cold dead place and
I am a cold dead person.
50 · Dec 2020
My Sadness Seeps out...
Kaitland Dec 2020
My sadness seeps out
And pours over everything
Tainting my world into a dull gray
It seeps out over you, until nobody will stay
I drag your ghost throughout my days
Reminding me what I had, what I lost
And why I’m sad and why I’m broken.
This game I’ve played all my life. Down to a sliver or shadow of myself. Not real enough to live not real enough to do die.
But I peer through the glass
Underneath the bell jar I’ve made for myself
Where I spin and stumble in my own Make believe world. To keep to safe or keep me sick.
I’ve forgotten which is which.
But now nothing matters. I finally had the dream. The one I’ve been dreaming of for years where suddenly you remember me.
We laid in mourning due, in your bed like we used to and you touched my back
And to my amazement it was you but you did not disappear or dissolve once I knew.
You stayed and you spoke. Aware it was me.
Finally again me knowing you and you knowing me.
50 · Dec 2020
My Hope
Kaitland Dec 2020
Reality dawns a rainy day
My world of fantasy now dismay
In my dreams I make you mine
Hold you till the end of time
But when I wake your no longer there
My world is full sorrow and despair
And Reality, like a rushing wind
Destroying my hope, my everything
49 · Dec 2020
Never Flower
Kaitland Dec 2020
It hurts upon the sight of injection
Where needlils pierce my face because I’m fearful of growing older.
I’m light upon my feet because I forgot how to eat years and years ago.
The hole in my heart is full from the holes I put in my brain with pills.
My relality doesn’t measure up to yours because I refuse to make a decision.
You can’t choose wrong if you just don’t choose. So may I bud and never flower.
48 · Dec 2020
Dive into the night
Kaitland Dec 2020
Leave behind you’re happiness
And Run with me into the night
Live your darkest dreams and be free
Take my hand & dive with me
into the lightless of nights
In my arms, I’ll tell you the sweetest of lies
Well for what are you waiting?
Lay into the casket of my heart
Don’t fall for the promise  of a life with a purpose Because you’ll see that’s impossible anyhow.
Let me hold you And dream of a life
We belong to another world now
48 · Dec 2020
Dying Bride.
Kaitland Dec 2020
I wanna look pretty like your girlfriend. I wanna feel fun like her. I want to dance into the night, young and free nothing but your arms and eyes all over me. But from here I peer out though my display case, the glass bell jar that keeps me safe. I’m all alone in here, locked away inside, So prop me up with pills and tell me pretty lies. it’s all I need to be happy inside. Forever yours, dying bride.
47 · Dec 2020
The Heart of December
Kaitland Dec 2020
Winter comes each year with a promise of chaos. Like clockwork I cannot stop it. My mind grows darker and my vision fads till all the worlds a dim lit gray. As a child I recall telling my parents I saw in black and white. Assured themselves I was lying. An exaggeration perhaps, but a lie? No.
October ends and the little things I can control are now controlling me. Like an old marionette doll on fraying strings. By December I’m peering up beneath the water. My reality now darker, like twisted, tangled hair that falls off in large clumps and clog my memory. I forget how to sleep, I no longer recognize my reflection. I’m something different? Pale, tall, sometimes bigger but mostly too small. My bones poke and protrude through my skin, my hips have turned to hooks whose only job is to hold up my *******. I’ve gone mad again. It happens every year as far back as I remember. Just don’t leave me here in the icy heart of December.

— The End —