How are you? They ask
I reply:

"I am fine."
I say that every morning
I say that to everyone
I say that to myself in the mirror...everyday
Change has found me and my life in many ways
But I feel nothing has changed
I am still...me.


How are you? They ask
I hesitate...I reply:

"I am.....fine."
Something feels off.
An undercurrent of unease travels through me
I dunno what, how or why
I have not changed yet I am not the same.
I read books right? Yes but not as much as I used to
I listen to music? Yes...but not as much
And not the same stuff anymore.
I watch movies? Yes but rarely
So I am fine but I am also not myself.


How are you? They ask
I pause....I reply.

"I....am fine......"

Pause.

I....am.
I........am not sure I am fine.
I was.....fine
I used to be....but right now
Right here...in the present...I do not know
I am not sure anymore....
I feel.....disconnected
Like Humpty Dumpty, I feel like a mosaic of fragments
Broken, cracked and yet whole
With all my pieces in the wrong places, the wrong order
I feel normal yet I also feel wrong

How are you? They ask
I reply .....

"I am not fine"
Bits and pieces of my being exist
But not in the right places
I am
I exist
I live
I am myself but not the same
I feel like facsimile, a broken copy
I used to be whole
Now, I am just bits and pieces masquerading as a whole

I keep moving
Like a river flowing, never ceasing
I can't stop to catch a break
Or to breathe in the sweet, fragrant breeze
I can't stop to think
Should I look behind just for a second? I don't dare
Behind me rides all my greatest fears
Like dark storm clouds on the horizon
My inadequacies and sins laid bare
Like a field of thorns, they ***** and tear
Behind me flies a host of wailing wraiths
Their mournful cries echo in my ears
My unfulfilled dreams, like autumn leaves
Scattered in the wind, forever lost in time
But I keep moving forward, ever on
Hoping to outrun my past and find the sun.

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That screamed and wailed
Till I was near dead
His wordless cries of sorrow
Tearing at my heart
His cries of pain
Tearing me apart

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
That haunted me, over and over
In the lonely hours of midnight
The sombre early dawn
When all was still
And the world slept blissfully unaware
When I was alone and vulnerable

I killed him,
That little voice in my head
Blessed silence is my only gain
A moment’s peace
Before he comes again
I have silenced him,
For now
But he’ll rise again
And again and again
I know he will be back
That little voice, in my head.

Maybe I'm just a shadow, cast by the sun,
Part of the light but never truly one.
I fear the dark, and what it may hold
It ***** my emotions and makes my heart grow cold

The warmth of the light burns my fragile being
I lose my substance, I lose myself
Darkness sinks into me, consumes my health
I fear the dark and what I might find,
A loss of my being, an end to my mind

I'm torn by forces, beyond my control
Subjected to change, over and over
I struggle so hard, to find a balance
In my mind,
my heart
and my soul

If there is one thing that's familiar, it's the feeling of loss,
Of being out of place, and longing for what's lost
Life as a shadow is only temporary,
I know it will end, I want it to end
But until it does, I keep existing in limbo
As a shadow,
Never truly part of the light.
Never truly part of the dark.

Once, I yearned for this gift
Made from tin, cold and unfeeling,
How could I not yearn for this pulsating *****
Warm and full of life

That breathes colours and sound to the pictures in my mind and the music in my soul
The final piece to make this tin man whole

O wizard, what foolhardy creation have I sought?
This wondrous yet dreadful lump of flesh
A living repository of despair
Of trembling hands
Of stuttered words
And of gasping breaths

O wizard, what misery your magic has brought
An ***** so frail and weak
Given to fanciful imagination
Chained to wanton desire and emotion
Swayed by what-ifs and pained by forget-me-mots

O Wizard, take from me that which you have wrought
Give me back the hollow comfort of metal
Of the cold void, quiet, unfeeling and unchanging
Make me what I was always meant to be.
A tin man through and true.

1....5....20....100....500
In the silence of midnight madness
My mind ticks frantically
My herd grows by the hundred
780.....1000.....3000.....8000
In the silence of creeping dawn
My heart beats in a frenzy
My herd grows by the thousand

Rivulets of icy water run over my body
Memories, sounds and words swirl in my mind
None finds purchase, in this cleaning flood

My thoughts are heavy in this solitude
Today as always, my mind strayed
To a dream, a bizarre manifestation of my fears
In this dream, I met my inner demon

A familiar tableau, sat in an endless space
A square table, with no seat of power or place
Two chairs, worn by our backs and butts
But equal, balanced, in all its edges and cuts
It evokes a sense of equality, of balance
A set of scales sits on the table
The scales hold two stones, one blue, one white
Also balanced to the naked sight.

I sit in the chair, to the left, where I belong
In my usual clothes, plain and worn
He approaches, my demon, my mirror, my friend of old
His clothes, his face, his carriage, everything I am not

He sits opposite me, symbolic, different, as he always has
We share a drink in silence, no words need be said
He knows my thoughts, and I, his,
A casual observer would think us friends, and he'd be right
My demon is me, who I am,
Who I was
and who I'm meant to be

I look into his eyes
He stares back, unblinking, patient, as always
He looks the same, much as I do
A dark face, with slight in-set eyes
A pug nose sits over thick lips
A quirky slant to his eyebrows and a confident tilt to his chin.
A gleam of mischief lurks in his eyes

My demon, my mirror, a reflection of my dark side
A creature of different persuasion and intent
But at the core, he has and will always be me.
Every second of my life, he has been there.
The avatar of my fears, doubts and insecurities
His voice, a constant refrain in my mind, haunting
In the ignorance of youth, I called him a demon
A monster guilty of the quiver in my voice,
The chill of icy fear in my blood,
the clouds of depression over my head
He was the cause of my failures

But as I look into his eyes, I see the end is near
The shadows under his eyes, the tremble in his hand, I fear
But I'll ignore it, for now, and raise my glass in a toast
To my demon, my mirror, my reflection, my friend
He is but what I made him to be

I am his beginning and his end
I made my demon
I will be the end of him

He spoke, my demon, in a voice just like my own

"One day I will be no more" 
"One day, I will die", He said
A sad smile split my lips
"I know you will fight as long as you can"
"I know you will try and stop me"
"But now I know, that you can't"
A wry grin split his face.

My demon has made me stronger
I knew it
And he knew it
How could I hate him for that
We sat in silence and drunk
To our past and our future
My demon and I