In my mind plays a reel of remembrance
My senses quicken again and again
At the glimmer of mischief in your eyes
At that dimpled coquettish smile;
At the sound of your husky cheery laugh;
At the lingering warmth of your feverishly warm skin;
At the soothing allure of your fragrance
At that taste of velvety bliss

In the shadowed recesses of my mind
Lingers this pale ghost of you
A shade of memories;
of things of joy;
things of pain;
and things of grief

How many memories, sweet and sad
Bind you to the cobwebbed hollows of my mind
O'miserable shade, persisting in such tortured misery
Would that I could bleed your essence onto these white sheets
Would that I could release you from your earthly bonds
But...could i be so cruel?

Writing has ever been a balm for my tortured mind
A release from worldly woes, an exorcism of  negative mental humours
Writing memories down kills them
Of course it does.
Words aren’t meant to be stiff, unchanging things,
Bereft of life, colour and scent
Ink on these white sheets will not mean life but death

But it's time.
Time to end this meaningless dance with the ghost of you.
Time to release you from this spectral coil.
This time, I'll write it all down and be free.

The rain had ever reminded me of you.
Odd isn't it?
Of all the elements of this world
It is not the warm cheery sun
Nor the cool breeze
Or even the fluffy clouds that reminds me of you.
No, it's always the rain.

It starts with a drop or two.
Tip tap tip tap
Then a dozen drops kiss the parched earth.
Pitter patter pitter patter
Every leaf feels the soft wet touch of their caress as they fall, leaving trails of their passing.
The sky murmurs
In annoyance or relief?
It's hard to tell sometimes
Other times it rages...that's unmistakable

A few drops can be easily dealt with
They're enjoyable even....refreshing
A light drizzle, an inconvenience but manageable
A downpour
A disappointment for what we want to achieve for a time but still it could have been worse
A storm...a force of nature that obeys not even the laws of physics
A storm that rips trees from the earth, pulls down walls and bowls over firm buildings

It is said that the eye of a storm is the most calm place to be.
But only for a brief time...certainly not enough for it to be any form of relief.
That's how you were.
I enjoyed the brief moments....the drizzle....before it all went downhill and sadness and conflict became the norm
As it were, from a downpour into a storm.

The portents of doom were all on the horizon. But human beings are always blind to the existence of things which we do not wish to believe.
In hindsight....ah what does it even matter now.
What is the use of wisdom after the fact.
I will not speak of the lessons learnt after nor acknowledge them.
I know better sure but then again I also know that hindsight is  *****.
The latter I think is the more relevant lesson

With every second that passes
I become less and less of myself
The lashing bite of your acerbic tongue
Eviscerates my soul
leaving an empty shell, barren and bare
You blew off steam to make yourself feel better
You vented your spleen in a breathless tirade of self righteousness
You huffed and puffed and blew away my sense of self worth

I squeeze my ears shut but i can hear the sniggering of the shadows at the edges of my vision
My mates, my friends, my people
And when you have left, those scavengers shall continue in their ritual of ridicule
But we both ignore them
this moment is reserved for us

In that charged atmosphere of emotion, I feel a connection to you
Your face carved in that rictus of anger shows me how human you are
You're not some big bad wolf
You're a man, sometimes a creature of logic; you always have to be right
A being who strives for perfection in words and deeds
I am a human
A boy, sometimes a creature of emotion; frail, clumsy and clueless
Wont to making mistakes
I am only human and I am myself; not you and
Not whatever you want me to be or wish i could be
I am only human
The seeds of resentment burrow deeper and take root
With every word that passes your lips, I lose more and more of myself
With every beat of my heart, I grow weaker
The spectre of disappointment hangs heavily on my shoulders
I am a boy, I have a voice
But I cannot speak
I no longer want to
After all, who would listen to the words of a boy over a man

Roiling emotions like thunderstorms
Yet on you face, an angel's smile adorns  
That curve of happiness, so false and sly
Never quite reaches your eyes

"I'm fine" is a steady lie that slips from your lips
Always so composed, calm, collected
But now and then
A yearning flits across your face
The floodgates crack, and emotions threaten to burst
But then the dam holds, the mask slips back in place


You don't have to be so strong all the time
I know, you don't want to look a mess
So you bury and hide your weakness
You always look so brave
But the truth, your eyes always do betray
Whenever you think no one is looking
They sparkle with a glimmer of tears

Motes of emotion dance in your eyes sometimes
But they flicker, sputter and die
It all happens so fast
That moment of life crumbles to dust
I know it can be hard
You already have so many scars
You don't know that I watch you
But I do
I can't speak to you yet,
Maybe you don't anyone to see who you are
But I will be here, waiting
When you need someone to talk to
I'll be here.

The sound of falling rain you said always makes you happy
That was my first image of you
Hair plastered to the sides of your head
you stood, face turned to the sky with a smile of utter bliss on your face
The tears of the sky gently caressed your face like streams of liquid diamond
Three seconds.........
That's all the time the universe granted me to catch a glimpse of you
I remember that moment with crystal clarity
The rain always felt cold and dreary to me.
Those tiny cold drops of water, evidence of the sorrow of mother earth
The thunder and lightning , the rage of Gaia at the darkness of human nature
Yet in that moment, my breath froze in my lungs
I felt a strong impulse to jump out into the rain
And so I did
The driver shouted in anger
I had not paid my cab fare you see
In that timeless moment
The air held a certain tranquility
Almost as if the forces of nature had ground to a halt
As if the whole world stared at your majesty with bated breath
In that curtain of raindrops, I saw beauty with no equal
Your tinkling laughter seemed to cause the very air to shiver with delight
I saw unrestrained childlike happiness at the world and its beauty
I took a perfect memory of you
On that rainy day
The day that we met......

Is it much of a life without you I wonder
Was there ever much meaning to it
An empty  life
A house of cards
A shelter built with sand
A painting made of dust
So ephemeral in its scope
In time, it would all slowly fall apart

Would that I could trail my fingers down your spine
- Just like I used to
Tracing every curl and curve
-like it was yesterday
Feeling the smoothness of your skin
-marking the bumps and ridge once more
Would that I could

Without you
The whispers, fears and tears are no longer kept away
When the haunting specture of depression rears its head
I find myself sinking into its deep suffocating depths
No more do I feel your sunny warmth on my skin
No more will the sweet nectar that is your voice be ferried to my ears
With you I never despaired,
Now despair and sorrow are my bedfellows

By the cruel and capricious hands of fate
My heart lies broken and shattered
A thousand icy shards pierce my entire being
I bleed from a thousand cuts deep within my skin
My screams echo in the haunted chambers of my chest
Yet no one can see me bleed
Yet no one can hear me scream
No one......

Sometimes, it feels as if all my words are the wrong shape and none of them will be able to fit into the silence left when our conversation pauses