the love of a best friend
is one that cannot be
smothered
but when i watch you and her
i don't see best friends
i see one girl desperate to escape
a sick, twisted, dying relationship
and i see you
starving, crying out in the darkness
wanting to be the girl she longs for
while she's too busy chasing boys
to notice your sacrifices
you look in the mirror and you see wrong
you see lost
you see empty
where she sees nothing
when she asks why there's no one
to hold her close in the night
you look at me and i can see it in your eyes
i'm here, love. i'm here.
but just because i see it
and just because she sees it
doesn't mean she wants it
doesn't mean she needs it
so please, for me, for her, for them
wake up in the morning
eat the food in front of you
smile at your reflection
just because she doesn't appreciate you
doesn't mean no one else does

when i look at you and her
i don't see best friends
i see a love that's been
smothered
by codependence and
a lack of oxygen

i see loved
and i see
lost.

April is a month of forgotten dreams,
That began to fade away in February,
And drew their last breath in March.
Missed opportunities wax poetic
As the tumultuous spring wind pushes empty
Ideals into a realm of something not quite there,
But present enough to be felt over the roar of
Cryptic resolutions and half baked goals.

April is a month of resurrected love
That has already grown rotten and putrid,
Decaying under the warm, dirt ground
Built up over the heavy hopes of December.
Memories full of partial truths and "I love you"
Twist and pull at untuned heart strings,
Until a sad, sordid melody sounds out,
Almost completely evaporating before it reaches
Anyone brave enough to write it into reality.

April is a month that sometimes isn't really there
Until the middle of May, when a distinct pang
In the chest gives weight to its existence.

I've been asked why
I don't fight for you
Flirt! they say
Assert your womanly powers! Enchant him! You'll get him one day!
But I don't want to fight
Because you are not an object I long for
And "us" is not a goal towards which I strive
You are a person
And I want only what is good for you
And crazy as it sounds,
I don't want to be with you
Unless I know it's what you want
I am demure and unprovocative
I am quiet and not talkative
I will not try to trap you in a net of seduction
Because love is patient
And resides in truth
I give you pens and paper and food
Try to make you laugh when you're in a bad mood
Give you advice and support
I will be your indestructible fort
And ask for nothing in return
No excessive generosity or false concern
Because love is kind, and keeps no records
I do not tell people all that there is and has been between us
I let them speculate and guess
Because love does not boast
It is not arrogant or rude
I do not weep over you and brood
I don’t hate the girls you flirt with
Because jealousy isn’t love, nor is it evidence of love
And I don't care when your buddies laugh at us
When we fool around, push and shove
Because love is not irritable or resentful
I do not find joy in finding you vulnerable and weakened
Because love does not rejoice at wrongdoing
I don't care when you joke around and lack tact and gentility
Instead I stay calm, and bask in tranquility
Because love is not easily angered
I will keep you safe and speak to you
Words of comfort and reassurance
Because love always protects
When you don't want to speak, I will hold you
Because love always respects
I will wait for you
Because love always trusts, always hopes
I will be your friend no matter what the cost
Because love knows what is precious, and always preserves
I bear it all with blind devotion
Navigating through every tumultuous ocean
Because love accepts all things, believes all things, endures all things
I endure the pain of what is unrequited
But being with you makes me happy
Because love doesn’t always hurt
If it always hurts it’s something else
Fear, attachment, addiction or possessiveness;
That is not love
I do not want to be your girlfriend
I don’t want us to be together
I want you to be happy
Because love is all selflessness
It’s the opposite of need and attachment
It’s allowing, rather than seeking
Letting go, rather than grasping
If it happens, it’ll happen
But if we ever end up together
Let it be as light and extrinsic as a falling feather
Let it be a sweet collision of hearts
A lucky foregathering of souls
And not the victory of a hard-fought battle
And I know that your kiss will be sweetest
If our lips stumble into each other in the darkness
Without desperate searching
I will not try to "get over you"
I will not flounder, I will not fret
I will not try to forget
Because love never ends
It transcends
And that is why
I will not fight
And I will not mention the letters I have written you- and had not sent, and now will never send.
And there will be regret
Bittersweet memories and wasted lips
It'll ache a little sometimes
I know, I know,
That I am perhaps renouncing a thousand kisses
A hundred long, thrilling dances in your arms
A hundred evenings not to be recaptured
But I'll live with it
I will not fight


*(But get me
I will not fight to obtain you
But I would fight to the death
Blood and sweat
To save you)

I fall in love with words.

Words written by a pen
or a pencil
or by fingertips on frosted glass.

The soft curve of an 'a' is
Almost as enticing as naked hips.
The smell of ink on aged paper
Is almost as ****** as a
Hard body in my sheets.

Spoken words could never be
As alluring as the ones that
Have been whispered into a heart
By a spread of fingers on skin.

Give me your words and I'll
Give you my heart.

Write them down for me.

"and you don't know what I look like,
when I'm not in love with you."

how true is that for me,
there are days I remember so clearly,
no dry eyes, wise guy,
but you and me i see what we were,
what I thought we'd become to be,
and other days I gaze out not understanding what it was that brought me there,
not understanding the who and was when I was with you,
how did i feel so complete when you were completely lacking,
im not talking about the things you warned me you were packing,
but what it was that ate at you,
dry bones,
and whiskey,
i don't know how you could have left me,
i supported the world you ran,
and i am just another atlas carrying around the boulder of a lost lover,
roll over.
turn over.
start over.
over and over,
these are the things that play strings on my heart beat,
and my hearts beating,
no thanks to you.
I'm left with mashed potato memories,
lines across my lips, of lies you left there for me.

and I sit you stand,
there's water racing down to the tile,
I wonder what the water gets to feel,
your dripping but you don't seem to mind,
you shudder and I look away,
I am afraid  to touch you,
I'm not sure I know how,
darkness cloaks the world outside,
but I still see you,
broken,
bruised,
bleeding,
you seem to shadow the things I hide,
and use this love you will,
but I don't breathe when you touch me,
I cant formulate thought,
I want to save you but I 'm drowning in emotion,
not enough for what you need,
you say,
nonchalantly,
"*******. m.e."
I tell you I haven't.
though I imagine she's a nice girl.
I avoid the command choosing to ignore your desire,
and squander  mine,
I don't know how to love you,
I just do,
why would you stay if it was in your power,
you opened a door,
I closed it, to afraid of the feelings that lurk,
on the edges of this fragile heart,
i keep you in the almost pile,
and maybe i was just your draft,
and under a starlit sanctuary,
with only hands to guides us maybe we too could be among,
the lost things.