The search feels never-ending,
If there are "amillionfishinthesea,"
then why am I still alone?

You always try to fix me,
this time, please don't.
-

If I could never talk to you again,
I would be okay with that,
and even if you're my father,
I have no problem telling you
that you failed in doing
what you were
meant
to
do.

I closed my eyes and realized,
you were STILL there.

I am weary and old,
In an untraditional sense

Sweet sixteen has closed its doors on me
Yet adult eighteen is not ready to greet me

Either way, I am old
And have always been

Old does not mean wise,
But weary

I am just seventeen,
But the questions are ceaseless

Life scares me to death,
Time pulls me closer

It scares me to think,
"These questions wont leave me"

Year after year,
I'll be clueless and lonely

In an untraditional sense
It is lonely within me

Questions, which **** me softly,
A cancer of my mind

Needing no one,
Because lonely is greater
Than human interaction

And "lonely" is "seventeen"
That goes on forever.

I took a sleeping pill with a glass of wine.
I shut my eyes; it's a quarter past nine.
And in these four walls I hear the whispers of a ghostly queen.
She wants me dead, she wants my head, she'd even take my spleen.

Nobody wants me around. I'm a drag, I'm a bore, I'm just empty.
But even then, the Ghostly Queen can't have me.

And the devil's sneaking up on me, as the sun slides away.
I just want to close my eyes, and rest for a little while.
It seems the devil don't care, he can play this game all night.
Even when I do sleep, he runs through my dreams.
And all night, I toss and turn,
Yes, all night, I swear the devil's in my dreams.

Between Lucifer and the Queen, I lay silent; it's 10:15.

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

1.
And so, I clamber up the heavy *****
and sit alone upon a wide, flat rock.

I still the voices clamouring hard within
and try to listen to the air settle and breathe . . .

The eagle swoops low, whirring loud beside the rocky outcrop
likening its talons to sustain the hold of life . . . (this line to be amended ...sounds odd)

Leaves quiver silent on massive trees
obedient to nature, yet roots bold outgrown . . .

Shade reaches and stretches genial arms
while feel of dark and moist, fertile ground pervades . . .

Air thick with teeming life the eye can't see
thrums with invisible threads, linking slow tendrils . . .

Quiet sky looms dignified and peers squinted
while sun rays slant into pores, kiss my cheek.

Beetles scamper light along the soft, red sand
and not unlike them, I seek still the answer within . . .



2.
Fierce fire takes up dry tinder, consumes into heated coils
destroying with relish, yet offer cleansing balm . . .



3.
Sudden rains refresh, glance off surprised face, upturned
sweet deluge leaves all sodden to delighted heart . . .



4.
I turn not away
I look up
to receive . . . gladly.


I give such thanks
fall on knees to see . . .

No red sky (as in my nightmares)
No lost sun
No smoky horizon
No grey trees
No dead leaves.

Only yellow sunshine
Only blue sky
Only green leaves
Only clear horizon

as far as the eye can see.




S T, 8 May 2013