I'm at that age
Where I start thinking about the reason I'm living
And why I should keep existing with such cruelty
All these thoughts grow and take root in the brains
Squeezing to fit, inside the spaces in my skull
They become too heavy, too thick for my head
And burst out to escape, dying in the process
When I'm thinking about all these big things
I feel small, little and tiny,
I'm barely sixteen,
Yet I wish to die so early.

for your raging voice to be heard
in the midst of scurrying chatter
i scream endlessly to the winds
praying you wouldn't die alone
please, please, stay safe, my dear
don't get hurt in the crossfire

bullets rain down on the battlefield
im crying for your safe return
but when you show up at the door, all tattered and blown
im seeing your chest right through a hole
my mind starts to drown in wretched agony
all the fated fears consume me whole
and the crushing anguish seeps into my bones

a bittersweet feeling, of a selfish victory
where you win nothing in the world
and lose everything in the aftermath
your life and your love, your one and only everything
the flags are raised in surrender
happy men laugh to toast over the end
their cheers ringing in my ears, always too loud
to cover up the misery of their fallen friends.

finally, i know it's over.  
i should be happy, right?
but i still miss you tirelessly
they say time can't heal all wounds
still painted crimson red- raw, fresh and tender.

i sit by myself, at the dining table
eating my cold runny eggs,
with a cracked cup of coffee,
the weather outside a damning storm.
and the realization hits like a raging hurricane
you're not coming home, forever.

when the last of the cries fade away
finally, i will learn the real reason why
the glorious revolution died
before my very eyes.
a battalion gone in a spark
the small ****** world goes dark
leaving not a soul to be seen in the chaos.

the howling winds echo,
with tales of the men that charted for home
yet, they will never return from the battlefields
resting alone, surrounded by the cruel plains

i can hear how the guns went off, a bang!
and the next second, the telephone rang
"your husband's dead," the telephone man said
"he isn't here right now, he's lying on his deathbed."
"he won't be coming home."

then, their wives will cry alone in agony
of the tragedy they had become
to the sons who met an unfortunate end,
please bid farewell, to your freedom.

hello? am i still your only friend?
lonely is me, woe is death
we are one and the same, too alike for our own good
love you, love me, love everything about life, despise everything about death

there is only one way of thinking, one way of breathing
but never one way of living, but only one way of dying
regretfully. sorrowfully. a demise unfitting of a person.
that is the death i wish for, i yearn for
one deserving for a sinner like me.

i cannot help but rejoice
my victory is never certain, my defeat is inevitable
but the thought of my life at its end, at the brink of salvation known as death
brings me great comfort, joy and peace.

i know that the end is near, and i welcome it willingly
the light is not silent, the darkness is but solitude
in the end i can only choose myself to be happy, but it is an impossible task.
loneliness, my friend,
my only companion in these humbling moments.

i fight day to day, with a knife as my sword, and overwhelming emotions as my last love
i cant help but struggle against the uncertainty, knowing my last breath draws closer
it makes more the satisfying conclusion, an end to the cycle
quiet, steady, like a beating heart
a whisper, a dew drop, in the flowing mist
a piano key, that note out of place
its eerie, mysterious, and a quiet peace I've never known.

look at the burnt crevices of my palm,
the mutilation of my corpse's life
dissect and bleed my heart tonight
i want a premature death, burning in purgatory

my greatest crime was deceiving oneself, my greatest deed putting the headless human out of misery
i have sunk in too deep, beyond gods salvation
too much lost in the wreckage,
love wont save me now.

please, heaven, give me salvation
and end my misery once more
let me lie at peace with my sins
and bask in the glory of my youth,
look past the misdeeds of a miscreant
idolize my youth, despise my presence,
love what is perfect, not what is missing
armed with only this bittersweet memory
i mourn for the youth you were robbed of.

i know im a disaster at heart,
a sailor always lost at sea
all i just want to is to have one restart
and finally be free
but little sweet death's too good for me
so i continue on toiling fruitlessly

its a choice to continue, a choice to give up
a choice to sell your soul to a devil, to give up happiness for mercy
to over indulgence in the recesses of life, to forget who you once were
to be too human, to be beyond saving

will you please allow me another chance?
to give up fully, my joy and happiness
in exchange for something worth living for, an aimless purpose
i can only protest at what my life could have been, but never changed a thing
simply watching afar, never doing.

alas, this is what my life truly means
like my purpose, both are alike
my suffering, my misery, my pain
always amounted to what i not hoped, but known all along
absolutely nothing.

this was not death, not life, just an unknown entity,
the chaos of love, and the multitude of emotions that come forth
grasping, holding, tightening its grip around my neck
i struggle to breath, in the overwhelming state of it
im too sweet, too full, too much of everything,
but suddenly too little, too few, and never enough.

i will swallow my doubts bitterly, and smile to the future.
the sunrise and sunsets,
ones i will end before ever seeing once again
my final ode, my only goodbye
left in short, little words.

this is hell on earth.
repeating this cycle again and again.
of forgiveness, of forgetfulness,
oh how i despite it so.
i wait, and wait, and wait,
for a moment of peace,
for a moment of freedom.
but there is nothing-
except my cold, bitter self,
and my long lost hope for the future.
i lay there, and rot,
knowing my time of purgatory will never end.
it will just.
keep.
going.
and i will sink,
and let myself drown in this sorrow,
so i may never have to think about
struggling to breathe again.

I can't help but hurt the people I love
With oozing venom out of my silence
Past regrets wash up against the shores of the sea
Drowning in the holes of grief
Endless pain follows the guilty men
The song that comes after the rain
Brings sorrow in your eyes

Chew on my bitter veins
And choke it all down
With a cup of disregarding nonsense
This sword I slip through your chest
Regardless I hold your hand tightly
I dream for warmth, yet feelings expire  
My love twists, spoilt milk in the heat
Amongst the clean rows of clothes, lies the ***** laundry of mine
Craving for situationship, but instead it hangs you dry
Hot crimson tears keep me up at night

Apologies can't mend the wounds
Salve only hides the scars
The best way to heal is if you let go of this unforgivable sinner
Doomed for damnation, an eternity in hell
I'm burning at the pyre I set fire to
Alluringly sparkling, stroke the flames
Keep your thoughts on my sins, every mistake committed to memory
Sink with me forever

A sorry seeps into my mind
But I can't let you wander alone
Then I beg for you to stay
Forgetting boundaries etched in stone
******* the life out of your marrow
Ending your hopes once more
With your dreams long gone

You lock the door of our only home
Hoping I don't knock and bang and scream
The rain howls out my sorrow
Waiting at the steps of my heels
Pooling a puddle of grief
Turn towards yourself, and realise
What I've made of you

I've destroyed every fiber of your being
Ripped your heart out into shreds
Staked down every single friendship
Growing weeds in your rose garden
I pluck my rotten heart out for you
Displaying my love in its simplicity
Swallow my little memories
And look back for me, please

Fated cycle starts and ends again
The people I've abandoned along the way
A perfect untuned harmony
Slaving away to smoothen the circle
Erasing the points along the line
Paying thousands of my soul
To fix what was lost, and regain your control
Making it a straight road ahead
For a journey that will never end

My condolences for thinking out loud
Poisoning the world with my sounds
Will you stab me in the eye and think
Finally you'll forgive me, my friend
For ruining your life, your everything
Then I can lie and smile brightly, and say a truly useless, but lovely
Thank you.

Looking back at the past
With days long gone, our love buried,
I can't help but wonder
Where did it all begin?

Talk about the delicacies of death over dinner,
Furniture as mannequins
A spectator to the pretense.
With love so despairing like a poison,
An obsession burning my insides
Consuming my very center.
I'm drowning in a sea-less land,
Struggling to survive this soulless world.

I fell right into your trap,
Sunk deep within your ship.
A never-ending cage all around me
Lest you dream, know an escape is impossible.
Hope has been ****** dry,
My life has lost all meaning.

Dear sun, shine down on these metal bars,
so I may feel some warmth.
Hard and cold, I've been left behind,
To rot for all of eternity,
In a prison of my own making.

This silver gate keeps you from me
Only you have the pass to enter,
I have to let you inside.
Don't and don't and don't fills my head,
But forgetfulness envelops me, a warm blanket.

You stay and go, with the key always out of reach
Shower me with affection, but leave me to suffer
Choking down tears, I thanked you for your stay
The house is empty, the sky is clear
A perfect day to leave your eyes
To escape from myself, to die.

while the burning world needed a god,
i needed a loving mother
but all i got was a cruel joke of a fraud.
yet, for old times' sake we have to pretend,
to love each other
and beyond the the ribcage, only on the inside,
my bitter, angry heart can safely rot.

i’m always screaming- you are my own flesh and blood!
so i ignore the cuts in my skin
wipe away reds beneath those eyes
and love you once again
our relationship filled with lies.

now, do you want a hundred, a thousand apologies, for ever being born?
i can't scratch my name off in crimson ink
so hand me a pen- then i may stab it out,
this beating sensation in my chest
that keeps my existence from being free
always begging for your mercy,
condolences, i'm sorry.

comedic sirens ring in the air
im putting on my best dress
prepared to act out my role in this play
do you see the master hiding in the wings?
with puppets laid out, perfect and bare
the dolls, all ready to impress
tied down to the stage, a marionette in the ring.

please call, call my name
one ask, your task, that's all i ask
for you to slice this mask in half.
i hate my reflection, this burden of being me
im screaming- run, hide, tell (someone. anyone.)
down on my knees, begging, and begging
for someone to hear my desperate pleas
hoping for an equality in my judgment,
i’m five feet under in this hell.

but one always watching, waiting for the director's cue
they know what you're pretending to be-!
no, apologies, continue to lead the way.
holding on to a string of mediocrity
i don’t know what it means to truly be free
but i won't be fooled by the hypocrisy
or the candles with their flames, suddenly burning out.
lost in miserable hysteria
freedom was never an option.

my ancestors' blood lies in memories of old
even to the bitter end, they fought
for our lives to be ours, the rice grains to stay in our ***
but the people still give it up every morning.

i know there are rules in your book
my life is cheap, but my words are not
a worthless expense, with meager value
yet my heart burns true, an iron fire
now, hear my pleas, lessen my worries.
burn these chains of ire,
please, set me free.

Watch the audience clamor about,
Unaware of their own obsessive, unsavory nature within
They cluster together,
Muttering, and murmuring
"Outsider, Outsider...
You don't belong here."  
Ignorant little pests.
Bloodthirsty insects buzzing around
Waiting for the finale, with its novelty painted in gold
The ending spectacle for their own entertainment.

Society dictates one follow the status quo
And every now and then
The voices are saying to go with the flow
But I can't help but ask
When, when will this suffering end?
When can I learn to speak up,
And finally say no-
To the demands of the selfish men?

Then, I remember there's a spine ingrained in my back
To make up for the ego I lack
Holding no blatant disregard for the misery of many
Not wanting to spare a single penny
Leaving the masses to cry alone.

But I'm surrounded by corrupted souls,
All living on their own
I keep feeding into this endless lie
Grasping onto the strands of life
Always holding on to the delusions of hope...
But why?
Struggling, day in, and day out
I've already died.
So why should I bother to try?

scribbling in my red pen
if i circle out your name,
and admit that i liked you
would be still be friends?
well, i want to hold your hand
but i’m afraid of losing what i have,
things will never be the same again
so i give up another wasted chance, another missed opportunity,
another means to our end.

our bed of thorns wilting, our devotion rotting,
drunk on the ecstasy, and blind to the faults that lay awake.
my hand longs for your burning warmth,
and these arms of doubt beg for your mercy.

kiss my pain goodbye for tonight,
and bless the bruises in the morning.
regret toils in my midst, for i have never left your side.
you'd nurse my wounds with hard-boiled venom, patch my sores with an icy poison
how could i not love a maiden as cruel as you?

my heart bleeds every moment you speak,
and i know this is the day i'll cry myself to sleep.
but i'd let you break my hope again and again,
and ****** me in your forgotten memories
until i finally give in, beyond a simple fix and mend
so i may die once more, in your deathly embrace.

Trusting in our savior to protect us from harm
We believed in your neverending reign of glory
Your thick, tall lies, built us up above
Scaffolding our expectations of you really were
A liar, a fake, a false revelation.

Do I matter?
Do I have a purpose?
Should I die?
Ask, and ask, and ask.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Yet you receive nothing but contempt. Nothing but silence. Nothing at all-
Except your voice, echoing in the halls.

Regardless,
I still deem you as my savior.
Lies piled upon lies,
Delusions become my reality.
So, reach out your hand to me,
My kind lord
You shine brightly, among the stars
Your grasp felt like salvation.
You are my everything,
My reason to survive.
You are my joy and pride,
My reason to keep this life.

My god, I am your devotee
Dearest lord, please bless me
Free us from our worldly desires,
From all of our selfish inhibitions,
And lead us to the correct end, the final decision.

my chest bursting at the seams
your hair ribbon comes undone
a girl dressed in persimmon
welcomes us through death's door
a mountain of bodies in the wake
and my steps have tracked down in the ground

the sunlight grants the weeds their life
but hesitation takes away the men in the sand
you've given birth to a maggot, the doctor said
do you want to squash its dreams into a tiny little box?
stuck, stuck, stuck.

watch the city blow up like rapid fireworks
my chest is melting in your palms
an explosion burns away the cold unfeeling world
i lost my weapons of hate,
we fight for that shred of hope in the dark
illuminate the skies with this tiny spark
with a fire burning so bright

imprints of time fade away
with your memories in a broken glass mug
coils of time tighten around in my grasp
in a moment i would have lost everything
loneliness creeps in, a tiny child in an empty room

pretending to be alive in this tight human skin
thoughts crawl over the bugs, a mask slips over
crumbs of thoughts hide behind my insides
rotting once more

keep rubbing the salt on the wound
the alcohol is going to run out soon
still my sores bleed high and dry
and I'm left behind in the end, all the time

leave your heart out on a platter
for the starving eyes to feast on
devour the tiny morsels of fallen dreams
my heart heavy, my head full

let us be swept up by the waves of change
craving for hunger, a silence in my mind
to soothe the aching soul
rest is all I need

Let me be lost, let me be found
Let me be cast aside, let me be treasured
One day, for the slightest of moments,
Grant me this blessing.

Let my weary bones rest, let my tired eyes close,
For a moment of peace,
Let me rest.

Once, I am lost into the abyss of darkness, a stillness I had never known,
I am free.

Please, kind sir,
Let me rest.
And dream.

Raze my thoughts on the pyre
Burn all tidings of my soul
All the ashes fade away
Into a distant memory
Keep the tombs unturned
Finally letting weary men go

To my dearest father,
I love you.

Between that untouched stack of papers,
this bouquet of flowers.
The soft mumbles of words,
and a squeeze of your hand.
Your endearing embrace of another.
There is your love.

This warmth of one's heart,
the catalyst of love,
misunderstanding sinks,
with well-mannered intentions.
Thoughts forming into nothingness,
my mere words.

Well, comfort has a taste.
It waits, like a steaming bowl of soup,
filled to the brim with love.

It's a hug so tight it swallows oneself,
mixed with untucked collars,
mismatched socks,
and the rushing to be untangled and free,
this struggle to stay awake.
Alive.

Your hand is cold,
my heart, warm and fuzzy on the inside.
Quiet exchanges,
hearty laughs,
and clickings of a pen.

A bed, a home, empty.
Patiently waiting,
lingering for an everlasting later.

Beeps of the unknown echo,
and I sit quietly,
just the two of us.
But I am lonely,
With only but the sea and the sky for company.

This sliver of hope engulfs the room,
and wraps around like a coat,
a few sizes too big, always.

The weight of a human soul,
this intangible kindness of his beating heart,
with a world of love to offer.
A good man.
That, I say,
was my father.

A breathless life, left there lying.
Filled with chatterings of the lost,
one you will never meet again,
forever intertwining the silence,
slipping into a cacophony of noise.

A hesitation, slowly dying.
But what not is a sweet nothing,
without this message spoken from my heart?
Surrounded by consoling words,
uneasy goodbyes.
I had promised you, and only you,
an unspoken story, this lie.

A sky above, soundlessly crying.
These missed memories you will never make,
and the loneliness of solitude,
a longing for a friendship,
simply for your love once more.

It's quiet.
I shiver.
Awaiting, hoping.
The living dead don't toil for long,
and there are warmer places than in your arms.

Drowning, dying in a memory,
one that isn't quite mine,
but isn't quite his either.
There wasn't a day you weren't by my side,
but time awaits none.

The string of fate tied us together,
one soulful dream.
Happiness had known nothing, until it met you.
That is, until you fell.
Fell to the skies you did,
off this lonesome earth,
away from me.
All hushed, quiet, unmoving.

Still, your heart beats.

Someone's on the other side, a shadow.
Watching, waiting, wanting to be let in.
A mirror, a reflection, holding back myself, keeping the unlocked door close.

And then.
A knock.
The unlocked door, left slightly ajar.
I slowly peek my head inside.
This darkness, my fear.
It's you.

The shadow, this man, it smiles.
He sits, he stays,
he whispers, to me.
Now, and forever more,  
I am lost,
scattered among the stars.
Roaming the sea above,
far, far away,
until the end of time.

Yet.
Whenever I seem to fade,
remember this, and never, ever, forget.
My eternal promise, my parting gift.
A comfort, these string of simple words,

I love you too.

when the sun rose and fell from the sky,
and the moon caught them, ever so gently, and cradled them in their arms
that's when i fell in love.
but the hilltops look so lonely without the sun shining above,
while the stars cry out for their stolen moon
and my heart feels so empty without your embrace of love.
will you call me for again at night,
when the sun dies, and the moon lives once more?

i'm lost in your starry eyes, sinking into the depths of despair
always, i get giddy when i think of you.
its bad for my appetite, but i cant help myself from loving you
you're perfect in every way, because you're nothing like me
i need you forever and ever
its an obsession, an unhealthy form of love
because you're mine, and mine only
pleading, begging and crying
this broken self of mine needs you

you rival the sun, the stars, and the moon
so please love me, please fix me
and fit all the pieces back in place together, prim and proper.
i'd hope your affection fills the void In my heart
and keeps my tears from spilling once more
but plain boiled rice fools no one

lets play make-believe, just like those fairytales
when we were nothing beyond compare
those star-crossed lovers, that chanced upon each other
enduring the holy divination of fate.
a composition of hope, love and despair
that's the first time i met such a loving soul.
the world endeared us in their care,
and i'd clutch your hand lovingly, hoping you'd never let go
but alas, tragedy would befall us.
wasn't it supposed to be you and i, forever?

i'm sorry for loving you, i'm sorry for leaving you
you lie, yet i still love you nonetheless
beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
so i know you're the kindest liar of them all.
cry your heart out, my dearest
but i've always known you would be the first to go
so ill forgive you time and time again,
like how the sun rises and sets, the moon comes and goes
yet my love never fades, and remains unchanging.

now, would you promise me this?
hand in hand, we'll meet again one day
and even if this was the end of all kindly things,
i'm glad i got to have a final moment with you,
the chance to love and be loved,
before i left in that hospital bed.

Thank you for your time,
For staying by my side.
My reason to keep going,
You make me smile on rainy days.

Soon, I'm going to close my eyes
Living forever in my daydreams
But the end of everything,
I'm glad we're still together.

Finally, I can look to the sky
Saying I'm truly happy,
That I've lived a life worth living for,
And I fell in love with a shooting star.

So goodnight, my dear friend,
Rest well today, and the days after tomorrow
I love you, always
Now, and forever more.

Sunkissed moon under the starry sky
A crystal teardrop always out of reach
Grasping on strands of what once was mine
Eternity lacks the solace of flight
Heavenly symphonies echo through the halls
Begging on its knees, hands clasped in a prayer
To give up on life itself

Once, you told me of your sacred dream
To one day, conquer the sky.
So I gave you my love, so you could rise high
You were the only one who stayed,
But then, one day, you ran away.

You clipped my wings
and let me believe I could fly
You made me feel like a friend  
Yet I was always wrong.  
So, why, why would you lie?  

You stole my light in me
and left me to brave the stormy seas
Drowning in the ocean, with my heart still intact,
Beating soundly, in your arms, our ship crashed.

Now fate is telling,
We weren't meant to be
I wonder how it feels like,
to learn to break free.

You stole my voice, I lost my choice
Still, I kept dreaming,  
Never thinking about beyond
I have no song, I will give no more.

Who am I living for?  
I can only keep singing-
So long, so long, so long,
Until the day I'm finally gone.

Silver-tipped arrogance
The way to a fool's heart
I should know

The fool.

One day...
The sea will set me free
I'd accept my place under the stars
Dancing all night long,
Enjoying my time endlessly, about the days past of glory.

Oh, how I long for that day-!
The day I can finally smile and sing,
With a beaming joy in my heart,
And fondness for the gift of life that was bestowed upon me.

I'm yearning for this long-awaited freedom
To feel the heavy burden lift up from my shoulders
To look into the mirror, and tell my reflection this-
That things will finally be okay.

Let me forget, my dear... Let my little tears fall.
Sun-kissed days, a radiant smile on your lips
Enamored with your beauty, suffocating through intoxicating breaths.
With my hands, hold these secrets tight to your chest
Chasing down old days of glory, alongside you.
My head burns achingly, from yearning alone
All these fits and the darkest of dreams,
The question of its purpose eludes my very judgment.

Oh, how much I loved you so
Melodies echo in my head,
Laying a cacophony of emotions in my throat,
Keeping the bitterness from spilling out
Revealing my true envious nature
Acquiesce this presence, at your heart's behest
Steadily creeping through the grounds
Tangled up in your web of lies
But, like a daydream, you stayed
Similar to the night sky, you never, ever change
In the mirage of symphonies, you loved me.

Sink down under, my sickly companion
The shambles of my mind don't align,
With those unspeakable intentions of mine
Pleading for my attention, your hunger never abates
Queasy from holding your hand, and running through the sunlight,
Always too warm for something, anything else
I've fallen in love with a deadly blossom.
Beg and scream, yet I crave is solace in my misery
Please go away, flee in the night
But when the morning comes around, I find myself waiting for you, once more
Around you, nothing is as it seems.

Fly up high, let's play a game of pretend
Look at the sights that await you
It's not unusually difficult to be alive
Cut off all the strings that hold you back,
Prune out the veins between your skin
Before long, you've surrounded my thoughts
Carry a heavy burden, on your shoulders it starts to live.
I'm dreaming for riches simply beyond a name,
With sickening human eyes full of deceit and lies
Temptation the devil, debauches friendships of innocent souls
Everything you love, in the end, inevitably dies.

Abandon all your innermost thoughts and feelings,
Forget all those things makes you sad
Because in the end, all that you really need
Is a dishonorable friend like me.
Sinking in the rubble, this oblivious nature of yours
A saccharine future awaits your weary soul
You must be happy and move on
Start sailing the merry seas and beyond
In the place of where you once were,
Remember clear blue skies, the crystal waters left in your wake
Don't look back and think of regrets
One will only drown in the thoughts of what could be.

Send me to hell, a sacrificial lamb to slaughter
Agony crept from the corners
Fabricated happiness, an delusion to keep me from being free
Spitting out the aged vitriol in short-lived sentiments  
You and I, we were not destined to be
Promising you would descend down to save me
Do you enjoy sending the guilty to their dreams?

At the young ripe age of twenty-five,
You must move on, my only reason,
Listen to the forgotten memories
Instead of losing into the recesses of life.  
Fix what's broken with false pretenses,
But if you were to depart, nothing can be mended
What's worth thinking and dying for,
Especially in the battle of love and war?
Follow through your promises, even to the end
Chalice of gold, heal all my wounds
End my tragedy, once and for all.

Abandon all your innermost thoughts and feelings,
Forget all those things makes you sad
Because in the end, all that you really need
Is a dishonorable friend like me.
Sinking in the rubble, this oblivious nature of yours
A saccharine future awaits your weary soul
You must be happy and move on
Start sailing the merry seas and beyond
In the place of where you once were,
Remember clear blue skies, the crystal waters left in your wake
Don't look back and think of regrets
One will only drown in the thoughts of what could be.

Send me to hell, a sacrificial lamb to slaughter
Agony crept from the corners
Fabricated happiness, an delusion to keep me from being free
Spitting out the aged vitriol in short-lived sentiments  
You and I, we were not destined to be
Promising you would descend down to save me
Do you enjoy sending the guilty to their dreams?

At the young ripe age of twenty-five,
You must move on, my only reason,
Listen to the forgotten memories
Instead of losing into the recesses of life.  
Fix what's broken with false pretenses,
But if you were to depart, nothing can be mended
What's worth thinking and dying for,
Especially in the battle of love and war?
Follow through your promises, even to the end
Chalice of gold, heal all my wounds
End my tragedy, once and for all.

everyday slips by so quickly,
we're losing track of time.
struggle to run along, while chasing after the past
i can only look towards this future,
hoping for our best, and living in the present.

i’m still sixteen
lying in my dreams
i don't know how to move on
so, i ignore the signs
of this life crumbling before my eyes
i will stay with you, to the end of all things good
i will hold your hand through the storm
whispering i love you, and never letting go

i ask, what am i chasing for?
is it the sweet relief, that drips down from my cheeks,
maybe the bleeding tooth, an aching sore
or the fact i can't help myself but sink,
a desire to indulge in so much more
dig into the lining of my skin
show me what it's like to be human
to have a meaning in life
a purpose to abide by, a direction to follow.

embracing the catastrophe, about to befall my head
hand me a liver on a platter to consume
now that i think of the consequence,
it doesn't quite make that much sense
remove my other body in the mirror
it lies strangely, not fitting with furniture
the atmosphere is really odd in my room
im just waiting for the corpse to rot.

its too long to proclaim im innocent
im drowning in the weight of my endless sin
it feels so hard to act human
and live my days in this horrified skin
why did you have to give me a choice
just to take away my voice
can’t you take the hint?
and realize this is a battle we can't win
so give up, and surrender your identity.

You tear me down, and crush my heart into pieces
Forcing me to fit in a mold, always two sizes too small,
I can't even recognise who I am in the mirror anymore
The cycle repeat over and over again
So I can't help but ask myself relentlessly
How many more times must I pick up my broken pieces
And make myself perfect for you?

T'was a moonlight night, with the moon out in the sky, so full and bright.

The Manly Sir Jack requested some Mondstadt Grilled Fish, and he ordered the most skilled chefs to make this dish.

You must be cold, was what thou said, but he brushed it off, lighting a patch of grass instead.

However the fire grew, out of control, it spread and it flew, burning away the grass that had just grown anew.

Thou pleaded for the man to leave that patch of land, but he refused rudely, saying he was a brave man.

'There's no need', he said, though advice, well, he paid no heed.

You did depart, worryingly, worried for the man who was living his life oh so dangerously.

What Manly Sir Jack didn't know was that his actions would cause his death, and that he would burn in fire until nothing was left.

Thin whites, red liquid
Dripping down the cross

Sheets flipping up and below
Words mixed, like my breath
To ask for more is greed

And silence, loud as can be
Sealing my fate
With a click.

My lines start to bleed

my heart all heavy,
please hold my hand,
for old times sake.
love me again
let us feel like, what it's like to be alive
before we take our final breath
under the stars, together.

sitting alone,
let us be merry,
drown out our sorrows in whisky and wine.
the empty barrel, knowing no end
drink away regrets,
bubbling to spill,
please cry away the blues
forever and forever,
you promised to be mine
yet another morning comes,
without you by my side,
I'm going to drink my tears tonight.

at the end of the world,
upon tips of the peaks,
is where we'll meet
so please be kind to me
let this soothing love
be everything and nothing, all bittersweet.

and in the end of it all,
i'll miss this, and so much more.
you'll come back to me, stay for the night,
and i’d wait until you disappear at dawn.

Mind-numbing reality
Take my hand
And twist it, shatter my insides

Cracked soul
Fragments of the past
Torn at the edges

All wrapped in a gift ribbon
The now is no longer here
I am you
Not me

My acquaintance, I remark.
I'm not a full moon, and not a full heart.
Less of a man that I once was, less of a person that I wished to be.
My screws are loosening, a stark hollow,
Yet we embrace each other, wholeheartedly.

Trying to fill up what was lost, what was taken,
what was gone and gone and gone once more,
never returning, even for the fleeting moment.

But I was taken, and never the same soul again,
But my voice drifts, and your eyes don't follow
an empty feeling in my respite, with a bitterness in my tongue.

My friend, I sigh.
Don't keep the telephone waiting, answer my call.
I wait for your reply earnestly,
your love will be the only thing that gives me life, that loves me oh so endearingly.
Don't leave me alone, don't leave me to die,
nurture me with your light, and love me with all your might,
Until my heart blooms and wilts, you'll keep loving me until the end.

Our love is fleeing, our love is desolate,
yet I'd still love you in the end,
even though I know I'll go one day.
Maybe you'll hold my hand and make me understand
Why it had to be?

I don't need forever, I just want you for a moment longer,
please don't leave me so soon.
I can compose love poems, hymns, stories dedicated to you
but it's never really you, it never feels like you,
and I know its not you, it can never be you.
Still, please, please love me.
Don't leave me to starve, your bowl of affection is what keeps me thriving.

My dearest, I whisper.
I am ravenous for love, filled with sin.
Nothing is worth loving, nothing is worth living for,
but only one thought occurs again and again-
you and me, me and you.
Why do we live? Simply for each other.

You and me, me and you.

It has always been us, us two, the two of us.
Never me, and it never will be me,
I will never be a reason to live
I'd remove myself from the pair, erase my name from the equation,
leaving only you behind, like always.

It always been you, and only you.
Only you will stay, only you will remain, and only you will be left.
I will be long gone, with nothing left for my remains.
Please live in my name, please continue on.
Forget about me, your old lover, your old friend.

Please love me for who I once was,
not who I've become, a being incapable and unworthy of your purest love.
No, please love anyone but me.
Indeed, love and I are such cruel people.
Will you still pretend to love me dearly, so I do not have to love myself?

My love, I smile.
To the moon and back.
I fell in love deeply with a soul,
yet we never shared a last name on our final days.
I know the end is near.
It has always been close by, waiting for me.

Well, for my final goodbye,
Never let me go, lest you let me wither once again,
and open my eyes like I once did, that last summer's eve.

This is our way of life
Turning and turning around, never stopping
Competing in a never-ending race for the end
Not knowing what our destination is,
But running, sprinting towards for something, anything
To tell us, to comfort us
That the sacrifices we made along the way
Was worth it for a temporary relief, and a futile reward.

Now do you understand me?

How useless our lives are, in the grand scheme of things
We mean nothing.
We are just a string of words
Names in a yellowed book
Photos from a forgotten memory
Numbers on a shadowy screen
Pure nonsense scrambles out of our mouths
Wishing to make sense of our existence.

To do something, anything,
To make our time worthy, to find reason.
To fill in the holes in the space between us
To give purpose in a meaningless life
To give hope in a society of melancholy
To give us something to believe in.

We attach useless answers to these questions
But there is no point in this senseless action
Twirling in the insanity of the universe
The desperation to feel needed and be used, to feel loved and be hated
It makes us whole, full, complete
Like we were never missing anything in the first place
It removes the longing void in our hearts, and the empty aching in our souls

God, I ******* hate myself.

Every ill-timed breath is struggle
It serves as a reminder of how difficult it is to live
A temporary relief from the harsh reality of the world
An explosion of euphoria from the joy of living,
Then the regret that comes with a slow, painful death
Forgetting, forgiving, for someone.  

The crazy, turning, twisting world
That lifts me off my feet, and forces me to walk
I'm dying and breathing and living in a world,
In a tiny universe, where I am worth less than a penny
Because I have burnt out my candle, the light no longer flickers
And I have cut off my stems, the petals. will wither, and eventually die.

Realisation dawns upon me, a strange sun in the starry sky
On a planet, where everything, anything and something has meaning,
It will never be enough.
Nothing is good enough.

Nothing.

I repeat this word to understand my position
My task, my hand, my purpose
I don't know what else exists for me
Except burying myself into the roots of this world

Nothing.

I amount to nothing, nothing, nothing.
Always, and absolutely
Nothing, nothing at all.

I don't understand.

To the remains of my uncut clear soul,
do you know what it's like to breathe?
While we follow the path of the stars,
to the land of freedom,
hoping for the best,
and a brighter horizon.
Fighting, breathing, these pains.
Is living truly worth all this?

Oh, but...
To feel the wind against your hair,
the warmth.
The sky, the sun, the beauty of the world.
A soft breeze welcomes us into its arms.
This tinting on the blush of your cheeks,
and the giggle that escapes your lips,
when will you know what it's like to live?

To smile at the dawn of a new day,
to take joy in the memories you make,
to be happy just simply live, and to be?
Lost in the eyes of others,
the maze of the universe,
out of sight,
a path, out of mind.

Yet, will you ever think to wonder, even just for the littlest of seconds?
How the sun is always surrounded in the centre,
and spread out for all stars above,
waiting for another.
Far apart from the others, all alone.
Always waiting.
Doesn't it tire?

Well, to my dearest unbroken half,
without you, I am nothing.
So I thank you with this,
a final message.  
Achieve your final dream.
Do not falter, do not ache.
Always live on,
and be free.

We've shot down every bird in the sky
And replaced them with artificial wings, for our aircraft to fly
But can lost ideas and machinations really keep this tiny stubborn world afloat?
When you told me you wished to make the world a better place,
Did you mean one lacking of painful suffering and misery,  
But also free of an earnest expression of oneself?
Buried amongst the sand of dashed hopes and dreams
Lies the heart of humanity, the crux of it all,
Something we've forgotten,
Forgiveness.

Listening to your every command
They don't understand
The sacrifices you make for the people,
They only take, and take the good will
Stealing away all of your memories, losing every ability
Well, I'm done placing bets on a foolish gamble
And asking on the endless debt of the selfish men
I'll roll all my dice, reveal my hand
Lose all the kindness I was owed
Now, bury your right hand
So you can right the wrongs, write a song
With your journal of my truth.

Plastic artificial lifeless doll
Is that what I mean to you?
I stayed by your side
Yet you took away my right
To speak my mind freely.

I was nothing more than a price tag
And a useless waste of a tool
I'm slowly losing myself, piece by piece
My life's worth, torn to shreds
I can't pretend to feel alive anymore
My heart is dying, rotting away
I die with every touch, day by day
It's an expired can of worms,
With its endless ticking, forcing me to move.

I peel and peel and peel, hoping to prove my innocence
Cutting deep, straight to the bone
Leaving my flesh and insides exposed, vulnerable.
I was a human once, but you took my humanity away from me
Nothing to play with anymore, an emotionless toy for the dumps
I've given up on all hope of escape
Because I was only temporary.

Never thinking, never stopping
A chance to make or break it all
Seems like I'm failed miserably
It's no struggle to understand
How I've become the way I am now
Discard my feelings like a unwanted gift
In the end, I have so little love left to give
Please just throw me away, remove my existence
I'm sorry for the disappointment, for ever being born.

My desire to be loved-
All carved out, hollow and gone.
I wish I had stayed guilty of ignorance
And forgotten the truth of my past
No more mistakes to be made,
No more sins to atone for
At least I would no longer be alone.
I could pass away in doses, happy and content
But instead I chose to suffer in the pain,
Losing hope of being to able smile once more

I stand by myself in the grass fields
Simply drifting by, thoughtlessly
Letting the wind, and my beloved dreams die  
I'm lost in the ocean, drowning in the stormy seas
Begging for the end of everything,
Grant my wish, and set me free.

Sending away packages of hidden words
Filled to the brim with stolen letters
Stories left untold in the handwriting of another
Forgotten, and abandoned, turning into dust of the distant past
No one remembers the legacies of before
When the tides of the ocean were called by their name,
Songs of the heart contained some message,
And my words of love had a meaning,
Not this foolishness encompassing a lie.

Listlessly listening to the echoes of others
Follow the script! Go by the book!
Don't go off-track, and ruin it all for good
Forget yourself forever, your purpose unresolved
Your presence unwanted, your reason undefined.
Bury your voice deeper, into the pit
Extinguish the flames of passion with a wisp of sorrow
Fill in the mold, force yourself to fit
Standing out, a sore thumb in the winds, is forbidden.  
With the know-it-alls, know-hows, but never a why.

A cycle repeats once again
This click and things are set into place
Round motion, it goes, chiming endlessly
The destination unknown, full speed ahead
With only but a single arrow pointing to the future,
Proper directions shunned, alongside the journey ahead
Lost at the middle, nowhere to go
Obsessive monotonous tone is how the world spins
Compulsion drives my ticking heart
Onto the setting horizon it flees
Staring through the mirror, wondering if it's truly me
My memories and love float into the stars
What shall I do now, society? Die.

Rewinding fragments of the past,
Looking back at sweet reminiscences
With smiles for these aging graves
Let the forgotten be remembered
For this one final day

Trudging through the snow wearily,
A lone spark of hope, a longing in my heart,
Burning and blazing the way to glory
Close your eyes to hear the symphony
It feels so afar, yet too close for comfort

Your palm always feels warm in mine,
Stranded in a far place from home
Toil the journey, seek for answers
All in due time, I will return
Move forward bravely, and face this future

Burying my dreams, leaving behind this husk
Gripping my resolve tightly, it's all I have now
Don't leave me too, to grief in your wake
Cracking at the seams, fading through the lines
Indescribable are my emotions
Once lost in our era of wonder

I can feel my heart race
Drowning in short-timed breaths,
We've struggled to live
The years have escaped my grasp,
And left like fleeting memory

The sunlit days of the past,
Hums a melody of stars
Delicate petals filled with joy
Blooming in my chest
For my only friend

To fall in love with the world
You must understand its beauty, its unearthly grace
An alluring voice draws you nearer, to the ends of the universe
It holds you close, almost lovingly, whispering in your ear  
"Please love me forever"
Do what it says quickly, and follow their every command unquestionably
As you struggle to satisfy its insatiable appetite
With misplaced exchanges, forgotten promises,
It will spin you a tale, a drop of a lie,
I love you, my dearest.

oh, so sweet and pretty lady
smiling and shining, every single night
it must be a pleasurable crime,
to know your lips taste
sway with the dance, my hands to your waist
and seal it all off with a final kiss.
before i leave, a short reminder.
please tell me a little white lie,
"we'll meet again, one day."  
finally- say goodbye.  
we never have enough time
to speak what's on our mind
so we recite our greetings quickly,
thinking of what one should say
to make up for the lost hours.
alas, i’m a hopeless sinner who lost it all
you're someone i think about, someone i'd miss
now, i spend my last days in bed,  
wishing you were mine.

i turn to god and ask him silently
what right do you have to determine our lives?
the strings of fate, grip us tightly
we are bound for the path you have set for us
how much are you going to keep robbing the poor?
until they've spent every last of their expenditure
what choice do the poor men have?
they can only follow along reluctantly.
on and on, to the front they go
like ants they die out, quietly.

Living in the past
You should have known it'd never last
You were never there
You were never anywhere to found

With nowhere to call home
You left them to die
All alone on their own
But you should have known
They'd make it past eighteen
They lived their lives, they survived the horrid lies

So **** this mortality,
You don't deserve to be forgiven.
Just rot, rot and rot
Suffer like the ******* you are,
You don't deserve mercy,
Die.

Apologies fill my head
How can I explain my actions?
Forgiveness is out of the question
I'm sorry, for lying
A story without its conclusion
I'll leave the stage
I'm tired of this endless suffering
I'm still stuck in the beginning
Drifting.

What to do? What to do?
Sorrow fills my bones
Sorrow, I'm sorry.
How can I ever get you to look at me the same?
I know you're gone
And it's exhausting
You're gone, and this love is toxic.

But where else could I go?
Only home, in your arms.
So accept me back, my love.
Hold me tight, hold me close
Love me forever, and love me the most.
While I make many empty promises
Like when I promised you
That I would never leave
I never meant for it to turn out to be a lie
If I had told you, a long time ago
How I truly felt, how I loved you so
Would you still have left, and let me go?

Regrets are boundless.
I’m sorry dearest,
I understand your grief
And I’m sorry for leaving,
Will you forgive me?

With trembling cold feet,
and tightly clasped palms,
An emptiness fills me.

Organs spill out,
tumbling and mumbling amongst one another,
in a broken disjointed mess.

In the recesses of life,
the hotlines are dead,
and so will I, be too,
soon am I to be put to bed.
All alone. Quiet.

Whispers, the cries of those who suffered,
under this wretched, unwanted being.
The graverobbers in our own skin,
shifting, waiting to escape.
To pry loose, to hurt.

Forget. Dream. Sink.
This modern day suicide,
in every sense of the world.
With my eyes closed, and a head empty,
I am not loved.

guilt, guilt, guilt!
it swallows me whole,
and devours my insides,
leaving nothing left.
i am consumed by it,
every fiber of my being,
lost to the feeling.
regrets bubble up in my throat,
mistakes ive made fill up my mind and make me spiral.
how could someone love someone so imperfect?
how could i ever forgive myself?
do i deserve forgiveness, god?
i plead for an answer, but i can only wallow in my misery.
sorry, sorry, sorry, a thousand times,
but the intended receiver never accepts my plea of pity,
because i will never forgive myself for my endless sins.
sorry.
did i say too much?

Skies up above, raining tears
I want to love you addictively,
Like a ****, I devour your dreams with a sickening smile
Pretending to be a blooming rose during the day,
I steal you away in the night
My embrace feels suffocating.

Heartless murderer, justify cruelty with love
Harboring no regret, no criminal charge
I've crushed you to pieces
Strangled your lively soul with ****** hands
Don't think, don't try, don't leave
Failure is all that waits
You need me to live, you need me to be happy
This is my protection, my promise.

I wish for no one else to see your beauty-
Abandoning you to dry, under the burning sun
Wilting and drooping, your stalk begins to twist
Downwards goes this fall, a descend to madness
Losing yourself, forgetting your way,
You resemble someone I've once known,
Different, but all the same.

Lies and lies and lies form the roots,
With your buds all dead and gone,
I've torn up your petals, erasing your memory
No replacements, no escape
The flower I loved, now all mine.

Thorns entangled
Even the loveliest of roses
Won't let go

Red paints this sky
A dull hue
Please, bleed into my eyes

Bruised, broken and buried,
I love you.

Dearest Captain,

The one at the helm of my ship
Leading the path through the storm
These tides rock me over, making me uneasy  
Between the devil and the deep blue sea, it truly is-
Suffocating like the waves, who steals the air out of my lungs
Ferocious like the wind, who knocks the breeze out of my sails.

Alas my savior, I will confess
With my love as boundless as the sea
And as vast as the endless ocean
I must ask for your guidance once more-
Be my only compass, and liberate this process of thinking
I wish for nothing less, and nothing more.

Show me the light, kind sailor
Tell me which way to go
Which way to think, which way to breathe,
You are my everything,
You mean the world to me.
It pains me, from an old seafarer, to say these words.
To my dear Captain, my journey ends here.
Fair Winds and Following Seas!

Farewell.

Lines blend together,
words, stories, pass by in a blur.
Nothing seems to make sense,
not anymore.

Stringing my nonsense into something intelligible,
something to make sense.
Of all the muffled scrambles of things,
and objects out of time,
fixing things into places,
lost memories of strangers in my mind.

Overwhelmed by the presence of choice,
with more and more red crosses,
lacking of not, and not checks,
why can't I get anything right?
This difficulty to remember,
to know what is real,
and what is not.
It troubles me, most deeply.

Enjoy the concord melodies,
these dissonant sounds.
Limbs torn at the hem,
brains splattered from the insides out,
leaving myself to the point of no return.

Smog fills my lungs,
its taste is rough on the edges,
not smooth around my innards.
I rather savour the bitterness of heartbreak,
then experience the cruelty of losing you,
time and time again.

As I choke on liquid plastic,
feeling aspirin burning in my veins,
I can't help but question.
What's the meaning of life?
For we live only to die in the end.

Our bodies are soaked in sin,
and it's too late to swim out.
Tipsy from the thought of even thinking,
and hatred too deep into the bone.
I can't help but sink into despair,
the fruitlessness of it all.

If this is hell, so be it.
Selfish ******* deserve no mercy.
Please let me suffer, and die alone forever.