And I guess that is when hell began

You know that feeling?
When you’re going up in a lift or an elevator
But the lift is full of blue fire
And you’re convinced
No one ever loved you
And you can’t remember
How
To ******* breathe

It was a bit like that.

Champion shadow boxer
                                               Killing kings and myself

                    I am divine, half alive
                     Wasting my stolen time

My twins lie and wait
Taking what they want

                                     Ask me who I am next time

First morning of autumn
5:22
I can see my breath float away
But I still cannot see you

The days are circling in and out
Way too fast for me

First morning in your room
7:13
Well that was unexpected
But let’s make this a thing

Days keep circling in and out
Way too fast for me

Slow down on the smokin
So I thought you would help keep my mouth busy
Now the thought of it is making me dizzy
Now I’m coming down and so are the walls

Talk me down
Take your turn
Cigarette
Let it burn
Ease the pain
Lose my mind
Lies flow out
Like "I'm Divine"

Everyone is their own protagonist in their own special ****** up beautiful story.

Don’t be selfish in thinking you’re any different.

Now and then
I think about needless things

Stupid ideas and absurd gestures

Sometimes I wonder if
I’m just stealing air

From somebody else’s world

I dreamt I saw you when you were old and tired
Your skin had wisdom etched into itself
Your eyes had darkened themselves from fighting with the sun
Your hair had woven silver strands behind your ears
Well kept nails and your tattoos were perfect

And I had the biggest smile when I looked at you

It’s not my fault
That you thought what you thought
But you can blame me for
Us getting caught

Inside a most dangerous plot

And I forgot
What my tears tasted like
Break apart the melancholic
Coaster ride

This was not in my plans

You were just someone
I wanted to help
From inside your heart inside your head
I wanted to save you
But nobody can save you

I’m just staring at clouds at night
All but in awe of nature’s might
How everything comes in goes with time
Just like you and I

Because all words are just made up anyways
All words are just complicated air
And I never forced you hand
It was just nice being there

And I’ll wash my hair in the sink
Because I don’t take care of myself nearly as much as I drink
I’m all badly tied knots and broken dreams.

And my chest is still full of fire

There will be a time when you are no longer thought about
When no one knows you at one point existed.

When nobody remembers who you were, how badly your dreams haunted you, how badly your people treated you, people who you trusted.

When all the time to ourselves had been used up and there isn’t a second to waste.

There is no mile marker after the end.
Nothing to subside the empty blank.

We only have what we remember.
And that is the hardest part.

I can’t go inside
And I can’t drive away
Even my ******* car
Gave up on me today

Don’t you hate only buying clothes
For funerals
And work
When the world divides into two people

A lot of people tell me that it’s easy to say. “I’ve moved on from my past”
But it’s impossible to know for sure

But there’s always someone around the bend for you

Your dreams will never come true
No one will remember you
But you’re gonna be fine
You’re gonna be fine

And I’m sick to death about the future
It’s a weight no one can tell true
I’m lucky for friends like you

When the numb feeling you get from everything
Is both the bandage and the wound
But always more complicated

And I hate being drunk at night
By myself
But it almost makes me think that everything is
Alright
But what do I know

Sophia

It’s a lifestyle
Loving someone for a little while
And asking to fade to friends
What an unreasonable request
And bearing my soul to you
Like I wouldn’t be permanently changed by you

When you live
                       You live
When you die
                              You die
When you are happy
        You are happy
When you are sad
                               You are sad

There shouldn’t be an obligation to be anything to anyone other than yourself

Because they also will
Live
     Die
          Be happy
                   Be sad

And you may choose to share in those good times and those struggles.
And that is beautiful
And rare

But your life is yours
Yours only
Be kind to yourself
Because
Few will be

Give yourself time and peace and understanding

When you live
              Live it up until you collapse
When you die
   Everything after this point is not worth seeing
And everything up until was
When you are happy
               Sing and jump and dance and smile
When you are sad
            Cry and curse the sky

Whatever you are today
Be everything of it

I’ve slapped enough hands
What is happiness worth?
Sometimes you have to embrace
The cautionary tale
That pain makes you exceptional

Because I want it all
All of the ugly
All the fears and pride
All of the scared and sacred

Tell me about your hurt
How much it makes you cry
There’s a beauty in that that I see
But I don’t think you do

Talk to me about your downfalls
All the broken pieces
Every puzzle left unfinished
Every jagged edge of glass I want it

Tell me about your pain and I’ll tell you mine
All your troubles with family
All your quarrel with friends and lovers
I want every drop

Tell me your death and I share all of mine
What ends you
What glares back at you from the dark
I want to stare right back

How much of a failure were you?
Were you the same as I was?
Were you there for your father too?
With a mouth full of .41 Mag?

Which times made you grow older way too fast?
We’ve all got plenty honey
Let’s share stories of grief and sadness
God I want it all

The what's aren't important
to anyone
anymore.
It's the whys
and the hows.

Tonight it was your bedroom
Beside the corner office envying two lane
Underneath this imperfect breathing ceiling
You made me hate sleeping alone again

Again after years of forgetting how to sleep beside someone
Beside anyone
Giving it all up from loose ends and tight conversations

This is what it was
This is what it means
To give yourself to someone
For whatever they want

Tonight I held you because you wanted it
Maybe needed it
Maybe both
Tonight we were Fools and gave in to desire

Just won’t stop running
No matter
What bolts I’ve loosened
Or wrenches
I’ve thrown into her
These worries
What ties you down
Your title
What money you make
Isn’t yours
They told you wrong

I touch you with nicotine hands,
Hoping to be the balm for the burns,
This is what you wanted.
This is what we wanted.

I read the pages on the screen,
Showing you how to better fix yourself,
This is what you wanted.
This is what we wanted.

I am the ears and arched backs,
The shoulder, the left hand,
This is what you wanted.
This is what we wanted.

————————————————————

The fear of your fear keeps me awake,
Wherever I am in my head I am still here,

The furniture lunges at me,
Vision is not relation,
I keep poise, brilliant but faint,
Your brother eases his mind outside the door,

You’ve been breathing uneasy for 2 hours,
What do you see in your dreams?
Is it calamity?
Or rather fruitful.

The loss of my sight is not the loss of your sight,
Dwindling between the morning hours,
You are safe, boarded up,
A most natural self defense.

It will prove worthwhile
For all intended parties.

Who is it?
In your person, in your mind?
How many of you are there to spread around?
How many are well guarded?

I pour gin on all of mine,
Wine and anything else that will pour,
I inhale cigaret smoke to protest,
And the ******, the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know they are in there.

How difficult to chose who to show in the daylight,
How they often sweep through the bricks,
Who knows?
Who cares?

Your life is yours. And I mine.
We’d better get to know it while we can.

I have built a house for myself,
Not of wood, lest the pyromaniacs
Not of glass, beware the stone throwers.

But of flesh.
Of skin and borrowed time.
Of faces and hands and backs and shoulders.

Most from my friends, others
Of my enemies and friends of friends,
Distant relatives, mostly dead.
And the few folk I’ve prodded to force that hand.

I cannot look inside my house.
The door is always open and the front mat is an arched spine.
The walls are covered in wincing and no furniture lay about.

I cannot look in the mirrors
For a heap reasons I cannot tell you
You simply wouldn’t believe me
I will tell you only that they look back at you

There is no fireplace
So I hope you’ve packed a sleeping bag
No food to be had here either
Begone your selfish needs

The roof is all but hands lending help along the way.
They collect as much rain as possible
Then the house floods

And the stench is enough to make you weep

Always wear your thickest boots when walking all over the rugs and others,
Tends to not wear out the tread as much

All in all it’s not much of a home
Just right for not much of a man.

I want to crawl into your skin,  
into the space where you begin.
I want to course all through your veins
until I find where it is you end.

When you forget I'm there,
I'll make my way to your heart
Despite protest it's unfair
To take and break you apart

I'll pull it slowly from your fingertips,
Escape through the windows of your eyes,

I'm thinking how you'll never miss it,
Even when your ribs ring hollow,
So strange a muscle could be so fragile,
And funnier still how it's safer here,

Away from the rage in your chest
Away from the hate in your head

I'll pull it slowly from your fingertips,
Escape through the windows of your eyes,

What's the use in telling all of them if you have no validation,
What's the gain in the ending if the outcome only brings degradation,
I swear it you'll be okay, you'll be okay, say it with me you'll be okay,
The answer was silence i'll take it as a no,

Regardless of decent truths that we know,
You've gotta see it, we are not each-other nor our ghosts,
Tying the weight of her worries, jump in the lake just to see if you float,
And she dyes her hair as she dies inside, just a new way to hide,
And she used to believe in innocence amidst the lies,
And she needs just a few more days,
And good God when she speaks of death I could feel it upon the air,
Thickening the moisture in this back room, vibrations seeping through the walls with little care,

It's here that I see why she is,
Here now I see because she is,
She is, or she wants to be,
And it's here behind the dancers and the pretentious songs that we all know the words to,
That it's not about beginnings or ends, the journey is the thing, the journey is the thing,
And I'm untitled, a free roaming interpretation of what really is,
They all have their own thoughts but I could show em different,
And we're all broken aren't we, cause aren't we all just dreams that sizzled out,

And I will save her, I promise myself I could,
I can fit the space between her dreams like I should,
But I know it'll take time that neither of us have,
By God I'll make her see who I really am,
Not who I was, and I'll save her, rescue that body,
Create our own world where we two will live,
It will be just what we need and everything between,
I'll be her savior, that floating piece of her wrecked ship,
I will be so that she can be along with me,
And there will be "together",
Finally some sort of hope for us to hold onto,

But I let her walk away as the music pounds,
Maybe I just like the way what I think sounds.

Tyre's spinning circles round and back and round again,
Silver-streaked phantasms hover along the street lights,
Flicker, Flicker, than off.
In the trench, wretched skin-eating enemies with ploy,
The key-locked hearts of America transcribe the truth into convenience,
The factories of hatred lie and supply the ever-starving fantasies of its youth,
Don't wake up.
Don't wake up.
God, don't wake up yet.
Don't wake up.
Don't wake up or they'll have your head.
Don't speak up.
Don't you dare speak your mind.
You'll be stricken your birthright.
Don't you move.
Don't you move.
Don't you move an inch.
Don't you scratch that itch on your ear.
Don't breathe.
Don't breathe.
Don't you dare breathe any kind of expression.
They love to cut tongues.
It's lost.
The rest is lost.
Don't move.
Don't you move.
Not yet.

If they don't hollow out your hands, you'd better ask them to,
X...

With drumstick fingers tapping steady on iron bars and on bar countertops,
You've known what they don't,
They'll struggle while you show off slight of hand,
Please don't let them near,
Don't let them near.
Let me tell you.

Don't ask them favors.
Don't ask them.
They'll return kindness with slaps and spit to the face,
Don't fight back.
Don't fight back.
Don't you dare fight back or else they'll find you in sleep.

You're the same as them but you care not.
You have no emotion in your actions.
Robotic adaptations of misled individuals.

It's a pity they left those skeletons to rust.
I'm sure we'd have found good use in them.

It shouldn't feel like this I know,
I know it's time measured by distance,
And this barely beating heart doesn't give up,

Yet,

My body aches,
Tortured, beaten,
But my heart, this last remaining force,
The last cause of my life thus far,
And these thoughts are a raging sea,
And I tie down my sails and pray for a calm,
A break in this weather, oh I pray it gets better,
Inside I feel the gap,
My heart to my soul,
Understanding is only half the misery,
No one wants to hear, "I'm sorry",
There is no fake sympathy that can ease,
A kindred spirit in search of more,

Directions smeared on this map,
On this man,
A cause not lost but never found,
Cause love never seems to last but a season,
Truth never lasts a day,

Cause if love is neither lost nor found,
Where did we go wrong,
I may never know the truth,
I may never find the road,
Doesn't it seem odd?
That a man judged by all,
Still only seeks judgement,
The only sure thing,
For everyone feels sadness,
They just have an outlet,
And mine is this verse,
Cursed with a gift not given,
But stolen,

I blame no one but me,
Don't lay down a cause if there is no motive,
Actions speak louder than words,
And intentions louder still,
What is one day to a lifetime,
But a prolonging of my consequence,
It seems as though I've lived my life,
On the wrong side of the moon,
And exiled here by my own thoughts,
My sentence comes too soon,

The river was to deep for me to see,
The reckoning between reality and dreams,
In the midst of what is known,
And what is longed for,
What is given,
And what is all too soon taken,

Don't throw away hope,
Cause pain is sure to follow,
And I lost my best friend to sadness,
At ropes end, pleading for air,
But he didn't want to be saved,
Didn't want the hand that was reaching,
Only quiet,
Cause nothing can reach me in the dark,

You cant ask me to dawn this robe of grief,
Only to ask again if I would hide it,
I let my feelings show, as if begging,
For attention,
For acceptance,
For the small piece of myself that you still hold,
It might be the end of me,
And the beginning of us,
I've let go of regrets,
Timeless and seemingly unending,
Cause in hindsight I see what it was,
That led us astray and off the course,
Jealousy and honest pleas,
Stay with me I can do this,
But I cant, and I won't,

Why should it feel like,
I need to better myself to gain you back,
Why should I need to do everything right,
Keep myself in order, and clean myself out,
Then find you,
Aren't we all imperfect people?
Do I need to carry myself,
Or what's left of me,
Up to a higher platform,
To find you there waiting,
Cause I know you are,
Deep down your waiting for me,
To do something I never will,
To say something I never can,
To prove something I don't believe in,
Cause I see nothing left,
But cold shoulders and stray emotions,

To what lengths should I wish it were intact,
To what depths should I want to understand,
Why was it so hard for me?
Why wait? Time is the last remaining gift we have left,
and we're losing it,
Every second, every season that passes,
Only curses us farther,

And if I find myself, would I really want it back?
Everything you've put on the line,
Hoping it was for the best,
I've never wanted someone to tell me,
"I'll stand away from you, until you reach point 'x' on the graph",
Baby this graph is twisted beyond measure,
The numbers deceiving us to no end,

It shouldn't feel like this I know,
I shouldn't fake letting go,
But is fake just a show?
And is real just a lie?
Does the truth bring pain?
Does life in the end die,
I don't know for certain,
Cause if you hold me when i fail,
I'll fail trying for you.

And these thoughts might be crazy,
And these lines filled with doubt,
But they're all written for you,
Plaguing my mind,
Begging to be heard,
And I may never know, what is done is done,
What I do know,
They’ve said before while crossing along this coast,
We only end up hurting,
The ones we love most.

I’m only human when I sleep,
However sparse,
The rest of me is an idea, plain, simple,

You may see a man with a face,
Or a boy with a mask,
You might not even see me at all,

I’m what I make it to be,
Whoever holds the reigns,
Myself, or just the pains or vices,

I’ve got legs of gin some nights,
Some nights I’ve no legs,
Most nights I’ve got loose ends,

And the next time you see me,
You’ll ask me, “who are you today?”
And I will not reply.

Because showers only wash away 80% of guilt.

Think too much, Feel too little

Tears born from fears

The mothers still worry for their children
The taxi drivers will still take pieces of their passengers
The infant will still cry
And I am still here, thinking, on your floor

I will refuse this kind gesture of sleep
I do not wear it well

My friends will still go to their parties
My back will still ache from burden
My lovers will still dream softly, albeit lonely,
And I am still here, thinking, on your floor

Sleep is only death taking its practice
It is a good day to die

Your mind will still run
The swelling grief will not recede soon
The sun will keep rising on your days
And I am still here, thinking, on your floor

We don’t say to each other, “Rising in love”
And I believe that is the most heartbreaking

In a dark and filtered room
I told you two to kiss
The friend I never knew
The girl I always did

John was there on the kitchen tile
Wondering if we were real
Sat up like a lamp
With his shades dropping to the floor

A sink big enough for a bath
I pace the tiny rooms

Michael wonders how cold is cold enough
I told him to give it time
Happy insects right through the doorway
I told him to give it time

Tomorrow is Monday
For the rest of our lives
Honored to wear the stress
You are my depression cherry