where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone

As I stepped on the beach,the sand as warm as can be
The ocean beckoned me,
It's blue water shimmering,
The seagulls overhead screaming,
A fisherman's boat buoyed up and down, alone,
Come sail in me son.
Tempting, I went into the ocean,
At first with caution,
The wind in my face,
A wave knocks me down in a haze.
I swim underneath it and onto the boat ,
It is hot,
I dive , swim , and play,
I taste the sea's salty spray,
Run back to the golden sand,
Dig holes, build sand castles with my hands,
I am free, free as a bird,
Without a care in the world.