We fall into a dark place
No way out no safe space
We cant scream out
it will take away
All the things we wish to say
Like how i loved her at one time
and now another has come
even though she has someone else
Its fine
ill fall
into oblivion
where i dont exist
i never have
and never will
Just
Fall

Sitting around
I can see
The pain
You caused
Inside of me
I'm not that bright
Or that smart
But I know how you work
how you think
I waisted time
Trying to remember
But they wouldn't
have made me forget
if you were worth remembering

I don’t wanna be left alone
As soon as they leave me alone
I get scared that they aren’t coming back
I know they will but I can’t help but think
That they’ll stop caring and leave
Too many people have done it before
People I truly did love
I gave them my heart
And they leave
I sit around most days
Wondering what happened
Because I distance myself
And so does everyone else
I don’t wanna be like that
I wanna mend my friendships
Put the notes back in the jar
And send it away

Today
Was one of those days
Where I couldn't
Stop looking
Over my shoulders
Expecting to see you
Close to me
Waiting for me to do something
To push you away like before
Freeze when you started to
Do what you did
I've let the paranoia
Sink in
Its been controlling me
Like you had been
I wasn't perfect...
That terrible feeling I had gotten the night of the storm
How I cried myself to sleep beside my best friend
Because that was the first time
The first red flag
I couldn't getaway
I tried so hard
But couldn't
And so I gave up
That's when the voices started to reappear
I hadn't heard them in two years
After I had stopped talking to you
And then...
I had that feeling
Once again...
And I couldn't stop you
But I never gave up
I pushed you away
I didn't speak
except for once or twice
I know I said no at least once
Or maybe I didn't
Because they took over to try
She wanted to protect me
So she did
After I was choked
She was the one who said something
When you did what you did
I couldn't stop her from telling them
She was so angry
Because it wasn't just me
That you hurt
So now
The paranoia has set in
And I'm so scared
Because you know
Where I live
Where I go on the weekends...
Who I hang out with...
But even though you can't touch me...
It still makes me
Paranoid

you wont know
how bad it hurts
how im trying so hard not to cry
youre barely on here anyways
so maybe its safe
you wont see this.. Right...?
am i just
dumb?
For not telling you?
that i like you
and i have for a while?
but you like her
and im glad youre happy
ill always be here no matter what

Pastels and dark colors
I can truly only think
That I am one
And one only
I used to think I was a purple
or  a gray
but now I feel
brighter
more vibrant
and Its sweet
because I am a pink

You aren’t poison to me if you were
I would be glad that it was you
But I can understand
Not knowing what to say
And I’m sorry for assuming
But you are amazing
I hope you never forget that

I hope you’re okay
It’s been a while
Maybe you just don’t want to talk
I get it
But no matter what
You are beautiful
Even if you don’t think so
You were in my dreams again
You offered me your jacket
I was hesitant to accept it
Cause I wasn’t sure if you meant it
Even though it was just a dream
I wish it were real

I know im not the prettiest
I wont ever be
Because i cant seem to take care of myself
I never really have
Im short
And chubby
my hairs a mess
and i think the only
thing i can do is makeup
And im not very good at that either
So why am i still trying?
to be someones pretty baby?

You said I could trust you
That you would protect me
did you?
Or did you do the worst possible thing
I'm drowning in the pain you caused
Like how every snowflake is different
Same goes for people
You treated me like a queen back then
Looking back
I can see how you changed
You continue to cause pain
And sorrow
Nobody knows why
Maybe you don't either
Maybe that's your problem

She’s sweet
She lives far away
But I really like her
We have a lot in common
She’s goofy
She’s mine
And I think I’m in love again

Sometimes
It's quiet
In our head
But loud
Everywhere else
We sit
And we wait for something
New
Something
Exciting maybe
And yet we still sit
Patience hasn't gotten us far
But we still
Wait
Patiently waiting
For some sort of waste
Some time with those who mean the most
But we can't
Always have that
Because it's quiet in our head
Loud outside
People have come
And they've gone
No trace
But we still think to them
Because part of us miss them
And yet
We stay
Quiet

Rain can be good
It can also be bad at times
Like how I'm absolutely terrified
Of thunderstorms
Like how I'm scared to drown
I used to love playing in the rain
I love watching it from my window
Because rain is beautiful storms
Are scary and love is….
Both

All I want to do is run in it
The smell is calming
And I can’t seem to stay calm
Yet I try to boost my confidence
While I stay in
Kicking out the monsters
As I listen to the sound of it
Inviting the calm
Fixing my mistakes
Pretending that things are okay
At least for now
I don’t belong here
And that’s evident
Still I can’t seem to get you out of my head
What you did
I hadn’t cried in months
Till I broke down again
Maybe things will be different next year
Maybe people will change
Maybe I’ll forgive you
And forget you
It’s inviting me to dance
And sing
As it drips down my window
All I am
Is calm

Ive never really thought about it
We werent meant to be
Not for a second time
Because im still a little obsessed
And i wasnt right for you
I still wanna say sorry
But it was the right tbing to do
To break up with me
I still care
Just we werent meant to be
And im a little relieved

I want out of this house
With all of these sounds
I want to be me
Without being yelled at
Or crying because hes my replacement
I remember the first time i heard about him
I cried
Because im the oldest
I may seem to have everything
But when you say i can talk to you abou
Anything
Y9ou turn me away
Tell me its all in my head
I just started feeling good about myself
And you wanna tear me down
Im sorry i was the mistake
The one you never wanted
Im sorry that i dont mean much
but I havent tried
not for a while
"why wear the same outfit every ******* day"
Because we **** go anywhere
Im damaged
Its not ALL in my head
I get it
I am the disappointment
You dont have to remind me that im worthless
That whenever i need you
you pretend like you havent
done
anything
yes i resent him
because he means more than i do
because hes younger
IM NOT YOU
I dont care who you want me to be
im almost 17
I HAVE a life
YOU think im nothing
To some people
Im more than they can handle
Ive been locked up here
Because you dont wanna deal with me
I dont care
Ive gotta start writing more....

Pretending isnt good anymore

Prickly thorns
pierce the skin
Scars that never leave
A fiction
Of whats left of my imagination
Is it going to be love
Or just another rose
Without its thorns

The sweet smell in the summer
It seems that they all wither and die
Maybe it’s time to give up
On trying to be with you
Because you of course like someone else
And that’s fine
I’m just forgotten
Like always
The things I write are true
When I told you that I liked you
I meant it
But now I’m not sure if I’m supposed
To move on
Or stop trying
To go after someone
Who doesn’t like me
I may not want
To be here anymore
But I’m staying
Because people need me
Maybe I’m just falling
Into the rabbit hole
My roses are dying
Little flowers all over
Little petals covered in blood
But I don’t care anymore
Because it’s one sided
We could go to school
And you would still be after him
I’m not him
And I won’t ever be him
So I’m sorry
If I’m clinging to something
Clinging to you
Roses always grow back
It’s Strange to watch
Fascinating

It’s something I don’t feel anymore
I can’t escape
The voices
The people
Everyone around me
They don’t care
At least most of them
I’m just a bother to them
I don’t have many friends
And right now
It seems I don’t have any that want to
Be there for me
I can’t talk about what’s wrong in my life
Without them leaving me on open
They don’t ask
To make sure I’m okay
I’ve been having
Awful thoughts lately
My hope is the only thing keeping me
From acting on them
Who would care if I was gone?
You never know
I know maybe two people who would be
Upset
That I left them
But I can’t even get out of bed
Anymore
I’m so tired
Of feeling sad
And sick
Wondering
Why they hate me
Why I can’t be normal
Why I can’t even be loved by the ones
That meant so much to me
They turned into
Bullies
And liars
He turned into an abuser
She stopped caring about my life
And I’m not sure about you
Because you don’t want to hurt me
And I don’t want to hurt you
Because you mean a lot
Even if I don’t mean a lot
To anyone else
I’m sorry

you made me a little wallpaper
for my web browser on my chromebook
i never changed it
and i never want to

People change like how the seasons change
Every year its something different
They can be hot but grow cold
They can bloom like the flowers in spring
And they can turn red like the leaves in fall
People change and thats okay
Because we grow along with the seasons
And its amazing
And beautiful
Just never change yourself for someone else

It's hard
To just
Eat right or drink things
Or hydrate
Because I don't have a reason to stay
Do I?
I'm not saying I'll go
Because they need me
But do I need me
That's the question I wish
I could ask myself one day

I feel like Im being selfish
Because I want you to be with me
But I know until you know how you feel
It wont happen
And im okay with waiting
Because I know what I want
And I hope now you know how I feel
That its okay that I call you Butterfly
Youve been hurt
But you're still so beautiful
Which is why
I call you butterfly
And why Im selfish
Because I dont want to lose you
Like I did mostly everyone else

You meant a lot to me
You still do
And Its terrifying

Theres a lot of myths about them
Luring in the ships
Maybe they had good reason to
Men are trash anyways

I just want to sleep
And stay that way
I don’t want to get out of bed
And move around
I want to sleep like nobody cares
I’m tired

It doesn’t seem to exist
I don’t know what it is
But I feel like
If I sleep
I won’t wake up in the same place
Like if I wake it won’t be at home
I won’t know anyone
And I won’t know what to do
I can’t seem to get it together
Maybe that’s my problem

I know we havent talked much
I miss talking to anyone
She stopped caring
More worried about her
But thats okay
I can cry
Throw a pity party
maybe im being petty
Slowly becoming someone else
Becoming
Numb

People come and go
They fill a void sometimes
then leave
like nothing happened
How do i tell him?
its over
for good?
it doesnt feel right to me
it never did
so this is it
the end
and i hope he can understand
im done crawling back
because i do like someone else
they may not like me
but it doesnt change that
i dont like him

All I want
Is for somebody to call me theirs
To let me steal their hoodies
Tell me they love me
That they won’t vanish
I can’t keep holding on
I’m already drowning in my pain
I want someone to tell me
That I matter
That I’m not worthless
That I don’t take up so much space
To tell me
To stay

Rose petals will fall
Wishes scattered
As new leafs start to grow
On the once bare trees
Cool winds
Pulling me
Into a soft echo
Of the former me
Saing goodbye
Is terribly hard
but so is loving someone
who won't move on

I'm Sorry
I know you don't like me
at least not like that
I haven't told you
Because I'm scared
That you will reject me
I mean why wouldn't you
I'm not the prettiest
And I can be so mean
Who would love a girl
Like me?

I’m sorry if I’m the reason
You got in trouble
I hope you’re okay
I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen
Because you mean a lot to me
Just be careful

Can we just start over
Can we pretend for a moment
That we didn’t know each other
Can we pretend for a moment
That the rest of them don’t exist

I still like you
Even after almost six months
Or maybe a little over that
And I don’t think that will ever
Change

Tell me a story
One of kings and queens
Or a story of lovers and fighters
Or maybe the story of how we met
Because my memories
Are fading

I keep having these dreams
Waking up scared or paranoid
Thats okay though
Because they arent real
At least I hope they arent
I woke up from one today
Early this morning
As I looked at the moonlight
Coming from my window
I could see a hand
Reaching towards me
I panicked and turned my TV on
So I could sleep

I can say the strangest things to myself
Sometimes it’s not even me
It could be a complete stranger
Telling me not to worry about
Things like relationships
But I like two people right now
At least I think I like one of them
And I know I like the other
Because I have all of Quarantine
For a while before that as well
I gave her a stuffed bear
And when I saw her during school
When I still went
A little mason jar
With three letters
And a necklace with a little gold heart
Asked her out in those letters to only find
That she had a boyfriend
And I assumed she was happy with him
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be
But when I look in the mirror now
I don’t see a complete stranger
Not anymore at least
I used to not know who I was
But it’s better now
I know myself
Even if nobody else does

Scared and tired
Wishing you could help
Someway and somehow
You want to fix the small thing
Stressing
And waiting
For something better
Heartbreak and pain
Sitting in the dark
Listening to people talking
It's hard enough as is
But we still keep going

Was I that stupid
That I couldn't find the clues
That I had no special length
I would go to try and fix it
That right now I'm crying
Because I keep self-destructing
Trying not to do harm to myself
Or someone else
It's hard
So hard
Not to hate something
You never loved
In the first place

It’s good with a lot of things
As we talk I can see
How sweet you are compared to me
I hope you know
My feelings never changed
I haven’t given up hope
And that will stay the same

You might be the only thing keeping me from breaking apart right now
I've gotten really depressed
Feeding my monsters as I lay awake at night crying
But I know you're still here...
And I hope we can talk again soon
Because while the skies are dark
And I wait for a message
As long as you're here
I've got my sunshine

Last night I had a dream
That we were at school
And you and I could be together
Its probably just some deranged fantasy
But I want so badly for it to be real
Because I miss the times we would get in trouble
For talking in class
And our teacher telling us to do our work
I want things to be sweet again
All sugar and honey
No virus
Nothing keeping us from talking
Because as the days go by
I remember the sweet things
How we were as kids
How I never forgot about you not
When you dissapeared in third grade
Not when you came back a few years later
Because right now
Things are sweet
I want to take the risk
I want to be with you
Because you mean so much to me
And I will always have your back no matter what
Because I love how sweet this can be

I don't want to talk
So you don't have to hear the pain in my voice
I don't wanna talk so you don't have to deal with how mentally tired I am
Of so much
And I'm Sorry

I dont cry very often
At least not when it comes to people
But I miss you
And its hard feeling
Alone
I keep checking up on here hoping for a message
But i never get one
Because you cant talk
and ill still wait
Till you can

I still think about her every so often
Just wondering how shes doing
Thats fine though
because im not obsessed
I dont need her
because I have someone else
and i love them with everything I have
Even if we havent really talked much
At least they talk to me
and make sure im doing okay

I’ll give you time
As much as you need
Maybe one day you’ll return my feelings
Or stop ignoring me
Find my letters
The necklace I gave you
I’m not going to give up
Because you mean so much
To me
So I’ll give it
Time

There’s somethings I don’t understand
Why you still show up in my dreams
Why I still like you
Even though I want
To shut my emotions down
They won’t let me
I just wish I didn’t feel
How I feel
Towards you