We all know that fuzzy sweet feeling
When they look your way
And talk to you
It sings a sweet song in your head
Until it gets crushed by the reality of things
When they have someone else
Or they do like you
But dont say so
Till its way too late
And you've moved on
Im being patient
Because I really
Like you

I think I need to start over
On everything
Just stay quiet
And stop trying
Nobody talks to me much
That is fine
It doesn’t matter anymore
For now
I’m Nothing

I can feel them in my stomach again
She’s sweet
Even though she lives in another time zone
I know she cares
And I still kinda like her
We’re just taking it slow for now
So I’m not taken yet
But maybe soon I will be

Was I that stupid
That I couldn't find the clues
That I had no special length
I would go to try and fix it
That right now I'm crying
Because I keep self-destructing
Trying not to do harm to myself
Or someone else
It's hard
So hard
Not to hate something
You never loved
In the first place

It’s something I don’t feel anymore
I can’t escape
The voices
The people
Everyone around me
They don’t care
At least most of them
I’m just a bother to them
I don’t have many friends
And right now
It seems I don’t have any that want to
Be there for me
I can’t talk about what’s wrong in my life
Without them leaving me on open
They don’t ask
To make sure I’m okay
I’ve been having
Awful thoughts lately
My hope is the only thing keeping me
From acting on them
Who would care if I was gone?
You never know
I know maybe two people who would be
Upset
That I left them
But I can’t even get out of bed
Anymore
I’m so tired
Of feeling sad
And sick
Wondering
Why they hate me
Why I can’t be normal
Why I can’t even be loved by the ones
That meant so much to me
They turned into
Bullies
And liars
He turned into an abuser
She stopped caring about my life
And I’m not sure about you
Because you don’t want to hurt me
And I don’t want to hurt you
Because you mean a lot
Even if I don’t mean a lot
To anyone else
I’m sorry

Maybe we can talk
Maybe video call
Or see each other
Or somehow keep in contact with each other
I miss you

I feel like Im being selfish
Because I want you to be with me
But I know until you know how you feel
It wont happen
And im okay with waiting
Because I know what I want
And I hope now you know how I feel
That its okay that I call you Butterfly
Youve been hurt
But you're still so beautiful
Which is why
I call you butterfly
And why Im selfish
Because I dont want to lose you
Like I did mostly everyone else

Can we just start over
Can we pretend for a moment
That we didn’t know each other
Can we pretend for a moment
That the rest of them don’t exist

I just want them to stop
I want them to go away
But they can’t
I’m stuck with them
And I don’t want it anymore
I want reality to go away
I want to forget
Everything
Everyone
I want to feel something again
Something besides fear
And sadness
That she brings me everyday
I want them to stop pretending
That they care for me
Because they are just
Voices

I still like you
Even after almost six months
Or maybe a little over that
And I don’t think that will ever
Change

It doesn’t seem to exist
I don’t know what it is
But I feel like
If I sleep
I won’t wake up in the same place
Like if I wake it won’t be at home
I won’t know anyone
And I won’t know what to do
I can’t seem to get it together
Maybe that’s my problem

Topping cakes off with faint decorations
The smell of frosting
As we spread it along
We start to form little flowers
From the icing we had
Everyone got a piece
A sweet melody
The kids helping
And all singing

Rain dripping
As my heart sinks
I try to stay quiet
I want to scream out for help
But nobodys there
One is
I can see them in
the distance
We stay together
And im less of a mess
:}

I don’t care that you might not like me
I don’t care that I’m feeling alone
I don’t care that I’m so hurt
I don’t care that I’m not enough
I don’t care he’s not gone
I don’t care that I have nobody to talk to
I don’t care that I’m scared
Of every little thing
I don’t care that I get yelled at
But saying I don’t care
Gets old
When you lie about not caring
So much
You begin to wonder
How you’re still able to care
I do Care about losing you
I do Care that we aren’t together
I miss conversations with you
I care about the smallest things
I care that he wasn’t put away
I care that I’m alone
And I always will

I still think about her every so often
Just wondering how shes doing
Thats fine though
because im not obsessed
I dont need her
because I have someone else
and i love them with everything I have
Even if we havent really talked much
At least they talk to me
and make sure im doing okay

I know I shouldn’t
It’s tempting
But I shouldn’t
I can’t keep destructing
Harming myself
To feel better
Because I’m just gonna feel a lot
More lonely

All I want to do is run in it
The smell is calming
And I can’t seem to stay calm
Yet I try to boost my confidence
While I stay in
Kicking out the monsters
As I listen to the sound of it
Inviting the calm
Fixing my mistakes
Pretending that things are okay
At least for now
I don’t belong here
And that’s evident
Still I can’t seem to get you out of my head
What you did
I hadn’t cried in months
Till I broke down again
Maybe things will be different next year
Maybe people will change
Maybe I’ll forgive you
And forget you
It’s inviting me to dance
And sing
As it drips down my window
All I am
Is calm

As I write this I’m not sure what to say
A darkness is spreading
It seemed like there was no other way
The dream tonight was terrifying
I couldn’t get away
As she whispered your name
I couldn’t look away
I wish I can do more
But it seems like I can’t
A fatal mistake is hoping
That it stays
Feeling helpless and wondering why
You can’t break free of the dreams
You had tonight
A soft echo is pulling me in
I can’t remember as clearly
The sins that we have are greater than
The words we speak as soft as them
She calls your name
Angry and sullen
Revenge is sweet
But love is golden

Right now Im so scared
Because I dont understand the feelings im having
I wasted my time trying with him
Because in the end he was just a narcissist
But that isnt what made him bad
He caused pain towards us
He made sure I would never forget his face
But lately
His image has been clouded with thoughts of you
Good thoughts
Sweet thoughts
But I feel Wasted
My butterfly

Scared and tired
Wishing you could help
Someway and somehow
You want to fix the small thing
Stressing
And waiting
For something better
Heartbreak and pain
Sitting in the dark
Listening to people talking
It's hard enough as is
But we still keep going

You might be the only thing keeping me from breaking apart right now
I've gotten really depressed
Feeding my monsters as I lay awake at night crying
But I know you're still here...
And I hope we can talk again soon
Because while the skies are dark
And I wait for a message
As long as you're here
I've got my sunshine

Sweet smell
I wanna lay in a field of flowers
Just feel pretty again
Lillies or roses
Theyre both so pretty
Maybe im just rambling
But I now have people to ramble to
Im so glad I have someone now

Rain can be good
It can also be bad at times
Like how I'm absolutely terrified
Of thunderstorms
Like how I'm scared to drown
I used to love playing in the rain
I love watching it from my window
Because rain is beautiful storms
Are scary and love is….
Both

You never know how bad it hurts
Till you lose the person you thought you loved
Most

Love is
A four-letter word
Love can
Be painful
But I love Love
Even if you don't love me
Because you are happy
I want you
To be happy
Even if it's not me

I know we havent talked much
I miss talking to anyone
She stopped caring
More worried about her
But thats okay
I can cry
Throw a pity party
maybe im being petty
Slowly becoming someone else
Becoming
Numb

I wasted my time
Trying to reconnect with you but
I realized you didn't want to talk to me
So I'm done trying
If you don't want to talk then fine

I can actually say
Im happy
Because of you
Im glad you and I started to talk again
Because now there is an Us
Someone i can look forward to talking to
And I love you
<3

Sitting around
I can see
The pain
You caused
Inside of me
I'm not that bright
Or that smart
But I know how you work
how you think
I waisted time
Trying to remember
But they wouldn't
have made me forget
if you were worth remembering

I'm Sorry
I know you don't like me
at least not like that
I haven't told you
Because I'm scared
That you will reject me
I mean why wouldn't you
I'm not the prettiest
And I can be so mean
Who would love a girl
Like me?

The sweet smell in the summer
It seems that they all wither and die
Maybe it’s time to give up
On trying to be with you
Because you of course like someone else
And that’s fine
I’m just forgotten
Like always
The things I write are true
When I told you that I liked you
I meant it
But now I’m not sure if I’m supposed
To move on
Or stop trying
To go after someone
Who doesn’t like me
I may not want
To be here anymore
But I’m staying
Because people need me
Maybe I’m just falling
Into the rabbit hole
My roses are dying
Little flowers all over
Little petals covered in blood
But I don’t care anymore
Because it’s one sided
We could go to school
And you would still be after him
I’m not him
And I won’t ever be him
So I’m sorry
If I’m clinging to something
Clinging to you
Roses always grow back
It’s Strange to watch
Fascinating

Prickly thorns
pierce the skin
Scars that never leave
A fiction
Of whats left of my imagination
Is it going to be love
Or just another rose
Without its thorns

There’s somethings I don’t understand
Why you still show up in my dreams
Why I still like you
Even though I want
To shut my emotions down
They won’t let me
I just wish I didn’t feel
How I feel
Towards you

You aren’t poison to me if you were
I would be glad that it was you
But I can understand
Not knowing what to say
And I’m sorry for assuming
But you are amazing
I hope you never forget that

I hope you’re okay
It’s been a while
Maybe you just don’t want to talk
I get it
But no matter what
You are beautiful
Even if you don’t think so
You were in my dreams again
You offered me your jacket
I was hesitant to accept it
Cause I wasn’t sure if you meant it
Even though it was just a dream
I wish it were real

She’s sweet
She lives far away
But I really like her
We have a lot in common
She’s goofy
She’s mine
And I think I’m in love again

Maybe it’s something wrong with me?
That nobody really likes me?
That I’m completely alone?
Am I too clingy?
Too obsessive?
Maybe
I can’t fix that
Or maybe I can?
I’ve given up trying
She doesn’t talk to me
I have to stop chasing after her
That’s okay though
I can smile through the tears
And sooner or later I’ll be okay

I can say the strangest things to myself
Sometimes it’s not even me
It could be a complete stranger
Telling me not to worry about
Things like relationships
But I like two people right now
At least I think I like one of them
And I know I like the other
Because I have all of Quarantine
For a while before that as well
I gave her a stuffed bear
And when I saw her during school
When I still went
A little mason jar
With three letters
And a necklace with a little gold heart
Asked her out in those letters to only find
That she had a boyfriend
And I assumed she was happy with him
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be
But when I look in the mirror now
I don’t see a complete stranger
Not anymore at least
I used to not know who I was
But it’s better now
I know myself
Even if nobody else does

Maybe we can talk again
Sometime soon
Even if you’re scared
We can be friends
The pain is always gonna be worth it

All I want
Is for somebody to call me theirs
To let me steal their hoodies
Tell me they love me
That they won’t vanish
I can’t keep holding on
I’m already drowning in my pain
I want someone to tell me
That I matter
That I’m not worthless
That I don’t take up so much space
To tell me
To stay

It’s hard to decide
If you deserved it or not
Because sometimes
You just don’t know
What Karma can do

And you still don’t care
I need to move on
And that’s what I plan on doing
I give up trying
I don’t need anyone
Not you
Not him
I just need me
It’s sad that I kept trying
Knowing you had a boyfriend
But then again
I am Selfish

Words I wish I could say
To you

Ive let go
Of the Pain
The feelings
Masking my hurt
By wearing a smile
Around you
Ive let go
Of the things we couldve had
I tried
But you dont like me
Im long gone
We cant
Keep pretending
Forever
As much as we wish to
It isnt possible
Maybe it is
But I dont want to pretend
To hide my tears
Shaking
I feel sick
I want to cry
To scream
Living on glass
Thats slowly starting to crack
Silently painting
The picture
I want
But it wont happen
Because maybe it was puppy love
Or I really do love you
But I need to
Let
Go
Of you
Of myself
Pretend
To
Be
Okay
Falling
Into
A rabbit hole
Once more
Every time
A butterfly
***** their wings
A Storm
Starts to brew
But
Ive let go
Right?
Keeping my feelings hidden
Knowing that Im just a
Crybaby
I just need
To let go
But I cant
I want to cry still
Sitting in choir
trying to concentrate
but
I
cant....

I try not to lie
Most of the time
I wanna be honest
Especially with them
Because I like them
And I know I shouldnt
But i guess I cant control
My feelings

Far away from people
There’s no way I can leave
The pain is unbearable
I can hardly speak
Have to keep to myself
Because I can’t be near
My loved ones right now
Because a stupid kid
Coughed on me

Last night I had a dream
That we were at school
And you and I could be together
Its probably just some deranged fantasy
But I want so badly for it to be real
Because I miss the times we would get in trouble
For talking in class
And our teacher telling us to do our work
I want things to be sweet again
All sugar and honey
No virus
Nothing keeping us from talking
Because as the days go by
I remember the sweet things
How we were as kids
How I never forgot about you not
When you dissapeared in third grade
Not when you came back a few years later
Because right now
Things are sweet
I want to take the risk
I want to be with you
Because you mean so much to me
And I will always have your back no matter what
Because I love how sweet this can be

You said I could trust you
That you would protect me
did you?
Or did you do the worst possible thing
I'm drowning in the pain you caused
Like how every snowflake is different
Same goes for people
You treated me like a queen back then
Looking back
I can see how you changed
You continue to cause pain
And sorrow
Nobody knows why
Maybe you don't either
Maybe that's your problem

Thunder Storms
Rain falling down
Whispers and screams
Tears falling
Hoping for better
One-sided love
Knowing
Thinking
Everyone is different
Set apart
From their skin
To their personality
Broken girls
To stupid boys
Who regret
But say nothing