I try not to lie
Most of the time
I wanna be honest
Especially with them
Because I like them
And I know I shouldnt
But i guess I cant control
My feelings

I can say the strangest things to myself
Sometimes it’s not even me
It could be a complete stranger
Telling me not to worry about
Things like relationships
But I like two people right now
At least I think I like one of them
And I know I like the other
Because I have all of Quarantine
For a while before that as well
I gave her a stuffed bear
And when I saw her during school
When I still went
A little mason jar
With three letters
And a necklace with a little gold heart
Asked her out in those letters to only find
That she had a boyfriend
And I assumed she was happy with him
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be
But when I look in the mirror now
I don’t see a complete stranger
Not anymore at least
I used to not know who I was
But it’s better now
I know myself
Even if nobody else does

I think I’ve made a name for myself
Maybe

Last night I had a dream
That we were at school
And you and I could be together
Its probably just some deranged fantasy
But I want so badly for it to be real
Because I miss the times we would get in trouble
For talking in class
And our teacher telling us to do our work
I want things to be sweet again
All sugar and honey
No virus
Nothing keeping us from talking
Because as the days go by
I remember the sweet things
How we were as kids
How I never forgot about you not
When you dissapeared in third grade
Not when you came back a few years later
Because right now
Things are sweet
I want to take the risk
I want to be with you
Because you mean so much to me
And I will always have your back no matter what
Because I love how sweet this can be

I keep having these dreams
Waking up scared or paranoid
Thats okay though
Because they arent real
At least I hope they arent
I woke up from one today
Early this morning
As I looked at the moonlight
Coming from my window
I could see a hand
Reaching towards me
I panicked and turned my TV on
So I could sleep

You meant a lot to me
You still do
And Its terrifying

I just want to sleep
And stay that way
I don’t want to get out of bed
And move around
I want to sleep like nobody cares
I’m tired

It’s good with a lot of things
As we talk I can see
How sweet you are compared to me
I hope you know
My feelings never changed
I haven’t given up hope
And that will stay the same

Clearly im not wanted
Or needed
just for now
only to them
They dont ask me
Questions
To see how im doing
If they did
They would know
How im breaking

No matter how many times
I try to forget
Your Name
Your face
The things we used to talk about
The dreams for our future
The things you did
To suffocate
To hurt
To **** me
Little by little
I'm slowly
Trying
To fix
Myself
To fix the things
I hate about myself
Hate
About
You
Although
I wish you
The best
Because I did
Love you once

You're innocent
Until proven
Guilty
Innocence
I'm not sure that I have that
Broken
I can try to pick the glass up
But ill only get
Cut
Love
One-sided till they leave
You can see the evil
But you can't understand why it happened
Why he hurt you
Why he didn't tell you
Why he said
He loved you
Just to leave you shattered
I wish you had gone to jail
Because then I wouldn't have to see you
Or hear her
Or watch you try to stare me down
They made me forget once
They can do it again
All I want
Is to forget
The good
The bad
The hateful
Things you put me through
I left because
I was scared
I knew that day
You would show up
You'd done it once before
and I kept my mouth shut
I wish I hadn't
I wish i had gotten anyone
But I didn't
I thought
I could trust you
And a few months later
What do you do?
You take it farther than before
It's not just pulling me close to you
It's kissing me and trying to force me to kiss you back
It's your cold lips on my neck
Making me want to scream
And cry
And all I can do
Is sit there
Trying to push you away
And I couldn't stop you
Till you said
That you never stopped loving me
And then I snapped out of it
I told you that
I couldn't
I was happy
Until that day
And I won't forget
Your name
Your face
Until they prove you guilty

It seems I cant stay calm
It seems I may be scared to lose you
My heart telling me I want to be around you
But I cant because
I get so jealous
And I cant stop it
I dont understand
Why it hurts so bad
Maybe because you knew I liked you
But thats okay
Cause im not gonna leave
Ive got to stick around
Even if it hurts
Hide my selfish self
Stop being jealous
And realize
You belong to someone else
And ill be around when you need me
Because I care
Way too much
To stop liking you
For who you are
Its sad to think about
But nobody really cares
Even in a room full of people
You can still feel alone
But is that anything new?
People can say what they want
And I dont really care
Because
I like you
And i wont give up
But for now
Ill keep quiet
Because
Jealousy
Ruins relationships
Friendships
And it could ruin us
No matter how much it hurts
Ill be here
Waiting
Because I seem to be incapable
Of moving on
I have my goals set
And you have yours
Im just glad
You're happy
Because thats all I want for you to be
Is happy

I can’t help but feel like something is
Missing
I knew there wasn’t going to be an us
Even though I wanted so bad for it to happen
I’ve accepted it
And I’m trying to move on
But we haven’t talked much her and I
And I feel like I’m bothering her when I text her
I feel like I’ve been annoying people
Anyways
Because nobody really seems to care
I know what I’m missing
And I can’t seem to keep you off of my
Mind
I don’t know how you are doing
Besides the poems you write
If you’re still up
You can always text me
I’ll be up for a while
I can’t seem to sleep anyways
I don’t even know if you’ll see this or not
Part of me hopes you do
Because I really am
Missing you

I seem to be numb to the situation now
The nightmares have almost stopped
And Im not as scared anymore
I might be a bit better as a person
And I cant seem to blame you
Because you meant the world to me then
A shell of who you used to be
Maybe one day I can forgive you
But ive put it to rest
Pushed you into the back of my mind
And now I can rest
Peacefully sleep
Without thinking
You were going to hurt me
Again
And Again
And
Again

There’s somethings I don’t understand
Why you still show up in my dreams
Why I still like you
Even though I want
To shut my emotions down
They won’t let me
I just wish I didn’t feel
How I feel
Towards you

It hurts that you arent mine
Once again im alone
And I cant show my feelings
Because then ill lose you

People change like how the seasons change
Every year its something different
They can be hot but grow cold
They can bloom like the flowers in spring
And they can turn red like the leaves in fall
People change and thats okay
Because we grow along with the seasons
And its amazing
And beautiful
Just never change yourself for someone else

~I sit here
Waiting
For a girl
Who's never gonna like me
The way I like her
Its honestly
Tragic
How hard im trying
And for you
im sorry
That im so hopelessly in love
With
You~