I can see us drifting apart
I wish we talked more
I hate hurting sometimes
But the thrill of it is what gets me
I get myself into situations
That turn out to be my remedy

They hide secrets you don’t want found
A way to keep people out of your life
Locking them so you won’t be judged
For your past mistakes
My mistakes are stupid
And small
Most of them anyways
A void in my life that
I can’t ever forget
That I can’t forgive
Myself for
I regret not asking you out before
I regret falling in love
More than once
But not with you
Because I don’t regret much with you
It’s quiet now
Besides the yelling sometimes
I just want to escape
Find a safe place
Behind closed doors
You don’t know what someone
Goes through on a daily bases
You can’t predict the pain they have
I love closed doors
But I also hate them
Way too many secrets
For me to keep

I have a bruise on my arm
Not super big
But also not small
Its nobody's fault
I wasn't grabbed
I wasn't hit
But it still hurts
But im okay

Words I wish I could say
To you

It’s something I don’t feel anymore
I can’t escape
The voices
The people
Everyone around me
They don’t care
At least most of them
I’m just a bother to them
I don’t have many friends
And right now
It seems I don’t have any that want to
Be there for me
I can’t talk about what’s wrong in my life
Without them leaving me on open
They don’t ask
To make sure I’m okay
I’ve been having
Awful thoughts lately
My hope is the only thing keeping me
From acting on them
Who would care if I was gone?
You never know
I know maybe two people who would be
Upset
That I left them
But I can’t even get out of bed
Anymore
I’m so tired
Of feeling sad
And sick
Wondering
Why they hate me
Why I can’t be normal
Why I can’t even be loved by the ones
That meant so much to me
They turned into
Bullies
And liars
He turned into an abuser
She stopped caring about my life
And I’m not sure about you
Because you don’t want to hurt me
And I don’t want to hurt you
Because you mean a lot
Even if I don’t mean a lot
To anyone else
I’m sorry

Maybe we can talk again
Sometime soon
Even if you’re scared
We can be friends
The pain is always gonna be worth it

You aren’t poison to me if you were
I would be glad that it was you
But I can understand
Not knowing what to say
And I’m sorry for assuming
But you are amazing
I hope you never forget that

I’ll give you time
As much as you need
Maybe one day you’ll return my feelings
Or stop ignoring me
Find my letters
The necklace I gave you
I’m not going to give up
Because you mean so much
To me
So I’ll give it
Time

I know we havent talked much
I miss talking to anyone
She stopped caring
More worried about her
But thats okay
I can cry
Throw a pity party
maybe im being petty
Slowly becoming someone else
Becoming
Numb

You meant a lot to me
You still do
And Its terrifying

Last night he snuck out
Hit my mom
I dont know how to react
I tried to fall back asleep
but I couldnt
Now I lock my doors
Scared of him

As tears stream down my face
I don’t know who she is
But I hope you’ll be happy
Because that’s all I want for you
Is to be happy
Even if it isn’t me who makes you that
I don’t even know if you’ll read this
Or if you are ignoring me
If I did something wrong
I’m sorry
I can’t talk to you in person
And it hurts
I don’t know why
It just does
Maybe because I poured my heart out
Just to find out you had someone else
The letters may have had more meaning
To me then they did you
I just want to talk to you again
Because if we’re honest
I never stopped thinking of you
All summer
I waited and hoped that I would see you
So I could tell you face to face how I felt
But that changed with time
Because at first I thought that maybe
You hated me
I don’t need anyone to love me
Besides myself
But I can’t even say I love myself
Because I don’t
But I guess that’s us
Right?

They always stay green
Through out winter
Into the summer months
Rarely dying
Roots planted into the ground
I wish I was evergreen
I wish I could be happy and green again
A simple melody
Calling out to me
I miss you
But you don’t miss me
At least I don’t think you do
I didn’t mean much
And I guess that’s okay
Because I meant a lot to them

And you still don’t care
I need to move on
And that’s what I plan on doing
I give up trying
I don’t need anyone
Not you
Not him
I just need me
It’s sad that I kept trying
Knowing you had a boyfriend
But then again
I am Selfish

Ive let go
Of the Pain
The feelings
Masking my hurt
By wearing a smile
Around you
Ive let go
Of the things we couldve had
I tried
But you dont like me
Im long gone
We cant
Keep pretending
Forever
As much as we wish to
It isnt possible
Maybe it is
But I dont want to pretend
To hide my tears
Shaking
I feel sick
I want to cry
To scream
Living on glass
Thats slowly starting to crack
Silently painting
The picture
I want
But it wont happen
Because maybe it was puppy love
Or I really do love you
But I need to
Let
Go
Of you
Of myself
Pretend
To
Be
Okay
Falling
Into
A rabbit hole
Once more
Every time
A butterfly
***** their wings
A Storm
Starts to brew
But
Ive let go
Right?
Keeping my feelings hidden
Knowing that Im just a
Crybaby
I just need
To let go
But I cant
I want to cry still
Sitting in choir
trying to concentrate
but
I
cant....

I can tell you I’m fine
When I’m not
A silent nod
Is what I use
To express my feelings
Because I don’t know what to do
Because I really like you
But I’m pretty sure you don’t like me
And that’s fine I just need to move on

The sweet smell in the summer
It seems that they all wither and die
Maybe it’s time to give up
On trying to be with you
Because you of course like someone else
And that’s fine
I’m just forgotten
Like always
The things I write are true
When I told you that I liked you
I meant it
But now I’m not sure if I’m supposed
To move on
Or stop trying
To go after someone
Who doesn’t like me
I may not want
To be here anymore
But I’m staying
Because people need me
Maybe I’m just falling
Into the rabbit hole
My roses are dying
Little flowers all over
Little petals covered in blood
But I don’t care anymore
Because it’s one sided
We could go to school
And you would still be after him
I’m not him
And I won’t ever be him
So I’m sorry
If I’m clinging to something
Clinging to you
Roses always grow back
It’s Strange to watch
Fascinating

Sometimes I wish feelings didn’t exist
Because the fact that it hurts me seeing you Around him
I know it’s stupid
And Selfish
But I’m stupid and selfish
Ive been wishing for things to happen
All summer
That hasn’t happened
Because I’m pretty sure you don’t like me
Like that
We are friends
But it hurts
Because I want more
While you have a boyfriend
I’m still waiting
Hoping that maybe
One day we can be together
But right now
I’m in pain
And I act like I don’t care
But I do
Because you mean so much to me
And I don’t want to lose you...

We all know that fuzzy sweet feeling
When they look your way
And talk to you
It sings a sweet song in your head
Until it gets crushed by the reality of things
When they have someone else
Or they do like you
But dont say so
Till its way too late
And you've moved on
Im being patient
Because I really
Like you

I don’t care that you might not like me
I don’t care that I’m feeling alone
I don’t care that I’m so hurt
I don’t care that I’m not enough
I don’t care he’s not gone
I don’t care that I have nobody to talk to
I don’t care that I’m scared
Of every little thing
I don’t care that I get yelled at
But saying I don’t care
Gets old
When you lie about not caring
So much
You begin to wonder
How you’re still able to care
I do Care about losing you
I do Care that we aren’t together
I miss conversations with you
I care about the smallest things
I care that he wasn’t put away
I care that I’m alone
And I always will

Topping cakes off with faint decorations
The smell of frosting
As we spread it along
We start to form little flowers
From the icing we had
Everyone got a piece
A sweet melody
The kids helping
And all singing

I’ve never hated feeling so left out
Everyone has someone to lean on
But yet I’m stuck
Alone
Crying in bed for the fourth time this week
Nobody to talk to
Because they don’t understand it
How bad it hurts
When I get ignored by the people
Who matter so much to me
My chest hurts from all the pain ive been feeling
The loneliness is
Crushing
That’s how it starts
“I barely talk to her”
I get it
But I need someone to talk to
And you aren’t there
Because You don’t understand
How bad it hurts
To lose someone

Say you dont know
What people say or do
Things start to burn
People fight
And make up
You seem to like him
Right?
Maybe im wrong
I want too many things
To be right
Im glad we are still friends
Im hanging onto the last shred of hope
Thats a string
Becoming thinner
Till it burns up
When I give up
But now
The flame
Is fading
Because I have more
Hope
Than Fire

I seem to be numb to the situation now
The nightmares have almost stopped
And Im not as scared anymore
I might be a bit better as a person
And I cant seem to blame you
Because you meant the world to me then
A shell of who you used to be
Maybe one day I can forgive you
But ive put it to rest
Pushed you into the back of my mind
And now I can rest
Peacefully sleep
Without thinking
You were going to hurt me
Again
And Again
And
Again

It seems I cant stay calm
It seems I may be scared to lose you
My heart telling me I want to be around you
But I cant because
I get so jealous
And I cant stop it
I dont understand
Why it hurts so bad
Maybe because you knew I liked you
But thats okay
Cause im not gonna leave
Ive got to stick around
Even if it hurts
Hide my selfish self
Stop being jealous
And realize
You belong to someone else
And ill be around when you need me
Because I care
Way too much
To stop liking you
For who you are
Its sad to think about
But nobody really cares
Even in a room full of people
You can still feel alone
But is that anything new?
People can say what they want
And I dont really care
Because
I like you
And i wont give up
But for now
Ill keep quiet
Because
Jealousy
Ruins relationships
Friendships
And it could ruin us
No matter how much it hurts
Ill be here
Waiting
Because I seem to be incapable
Of moving on
I have my goals set
And you have yours
Im just glad
You're happy
Because thats all I want for you to be
Is happy

Maybe I wasn’t the one
Maybe I can’t give her everything
I tried
But now I’m supposed to move on
But I don’t think I can
I don’t want to ruin things for her
Because I do love her
Even if she doesn’t me
Might keep off of here for a while
Think
Try not to get worse
Try to stop crying over
Someone who might not care
We are just friends
And it breaks me
So I’m sorry

It hurts that you arent mine
Once again im alone
And I cant show my feelings
Because then ill lose you

People change like how the seasons change
Every year its something different
They can be hot but grow cold
They can bloom like the flowers in spring
And they can turn red like the leaves in fall
People change and thats okay
Because we grow along with the seasons
And its amazing
And beautiful
Just never change yourself for someone else

School started
A past me would be scared
To be here in this moment
But we are stronger than what we give ourselves
I know I dont have much
But I have the courage I need
To keep going
Stay alive
Be kind
Even if it hurts to see him
I have a life planned out
And im doing a lot better
he says hello
I say goodbye
I dont cry much over him
Not anymore
Because if I did
I know I would start blaming myself
Over and over
till im suffocating
In my sorrows
But thankfully
Im better

Clearly im not wanted
Or needed
just for now
only to them
They dont ask me
Questions
To see how im doing
If they did
They would know
How im breaking

Im slowly forgiving you
Well
Forgetting
Its strange
How you got
Under my skin
next month marks a year
and I can finally say you name
I was you the other day
it made us angry
as our mom pulled us away
but now you're
just a missing memory
and im okay with that
its been eleven months now
I haven't forgotten what you said
but you are in the distance now
maybe one day I can
forgive you
And forgive myself
for not yelling for her
but it wasnt my fault
it was yours
for thinking we were scared
scared to stand up
I was scared at first
but now I know
that maybe
you werent supposed to be a part of my life
you werent my life line
She was however
because she protected us
she calmed me down
helped me breathe
when nobody else knew what was going on
and im glad she was there
shes the reason I spoke up
and im glad I did
cause im not missing a part of myself anymore

I dont cry very often
At least not when it comes to people
But I miss you
And its hard feeling
Alone
I keep checking up on here hoping for a message
But i never get one
Because you cant talk
and ill still wait
Till you can

I feel wasted not drunk
Just sad
I miss you
And it hurts
Because when im alone
I think of how we cant talk
Or text
or do anything
Because im wasted
From the loneliness
And the sadness
I cant explain
But
I just feel
Tired
Drowning
In my sorrows..

Different pieces of me
Scattered around
The voices taking over
Keeping things from happening
Protecting me
Keeping me safe
Not only from them
But from myself

I feel odd
No Idea why
I just feel like a blank slate
I wasted my time
On him
On all of them
When I realized
That I dont like them
I messed up
So badly
In my past
But Ive gotten better
Because I have people who care
People who make me realize
Im not so blank

The older I get
I wonder if my life
Will be so much different
I just hope
I can prevent harming my future wife
Because I cant prevent
having some of her habits
But I can change them
by being much more kind
Because D.N.A. means
Nothing

Pastels and dark colors
I can truly only think
That I am one
And one only
I used to think I was a purple
or  a gray
but now I feel
brighter
more vibrant
and Its sweet
because I am a pink

I feel like Im being selfish
Because I want you to be with me
But I know until you know how you feel
It wont happen
And im okay with waiting
Because I know what I want
And I hope now you know how I feel
That its okay that I call you Butterfly
Youve been hurt
But you're still so beautiful
Which is why
I call you butterfly
And why Im selfish
Because I dont want to lose you
Like I did mostly everyone else

Right now Im so scared
Because I dont understand the feelings im having
I wasted my time trying with him
Because in the end he was just a narcissist
But that isnt what made him bad
He caused pain towards us
He made sure I would never forget his face
But lately
His image has been clouded with thoughts of you
Good thoughts
Sweet thoughts
But I feel Wasted
My butterfly

In three days Ill be 16
In three days I know for a fact I could get a job
Three days
till I can have a bit of fun

Last night I had a dream
That we were at school
And you and I could be together
Its probably just some deranged fantasy
But I want so badly for it to be real
Because I miss the times we would get in trouble
For talking in class
And our teacher telling us to do our work
I want things to be sweet again
All sugar and honey
No virus
Nothing keeping us from talking
Because as the days go by
I remember the sweet things
How we were as kids
How I never forgot about you not
When you dissapeared in third grade
Not when you came back a few years later
Because right now
Things are sweet
I want to take the risk
I want to be with you
Because you mean so much to me
And I will always have your back no matter what
Because I love how sweet this can be

Im getting that same feeling
I did before
From him this time
not you
and im scared hes gonna do more than you did
I may just be extremely paranoid
But I doubt it
He keeps pestering me
I want to be left alone
But he wont go away
Hes wanting to stay the night
I dont want him to
But I wont get a choice
Ill have to keep both doors locked tonight
Hope he doesnt find a way in
Because I dont want to go though this again
I dont want it
I wont allow it
Lately Ive been having dreams
Or maybe old memories
Of You and I
And I wake up
Crying
Because of what you did
What you said
But I hold my breath
And try to stay in control
But theyll come back
Theyll make sure
He comes nowhere near me
That YOU come nowhere near me
And I trust them
Because theyve protected me before
And theyll do it again
In a single
Heartbeat

I sit around
Listening to pointless songs
Watching shows
Doing work
Sitting around
Bored

You might be the only thing keeping me from breaking apart right now
I've gotten really depressed
Feeding my monsters as I lay awake at night crying
But I know you're still here...
And I hope we can talk again soon
Because while the skies are dark
And I wait for a message
As long as you're here
I've got my sunshine

I wasted my time
Trying to reconnect with you but
I realized you didn't want to talk to me
So I'm done trying
If you don't want to talk then fine

You complain about the things I wear
If they smell you're the first to "notice"
I'm not stupid
What can I even do?
It's not like I'm going
Anywhere
Right?
I'm stuck
In this house
Trying to keep myself going
But you keep bringing me
Down

Maybe we can talk
Maybe video call
Or see each other
Or somehow keep in contact with each other
I miss you

Sometimes we fall
For the wrong people
But I think
That you aren't the wrong person
Because you make me smile
And I worry because I haven't talked to you
In forever

It *****
I cant see you
Or talk to you
Or be around you
And I miss you
Because you mean a lot to me
My Butterfly