M - Hello Poetry

M Mar 2014

I know what I should do. I know because you're not here right now, and I know you're somewhere else with someone else. I know if I meant what I need to mean to you, if you loved me the way I need you to, you would be right here. I know what's right. I will always love you and every choice has a conclusion and this is ours. Make tonight a step forward to your future. Because it's the last step from me that I can watch you take. I'm afraid I won't be writing here for a while. This was ours and I just can't be here anymore. Not for a little while. Maybe I'll write once more tonight. Just to conclude the beautiful stories of this past year. All my love. Always

Since when has love not been enough? I left a note on your bed, I'm never coming back.

M Mar 2014

My (Secrets) after all

I've got a secret I can't share, but You don't know me and
After all,
what good is a secret everyone doesn't know. I've been lying to the world. I haven't written because I didn't need to anymore. I love her, but I found a place I can hide that I don't and it follows me everywhere I go now. Funny, because
After all,
somewhere in hiding is our favorite place to be. I don't know why I'm so addicted to her lips, like cigarettes to mine. But just like chewing gum for nicotine, there's a substitute for the craving of her. Again, she is nothing more than an addiction. Killing me slowly and if I didn't wake up I would've never known, because sometimes it just felt so good to inhale her and,
After all
we're all dying anyway. Our sleeping patterns are just practice for the final, and my sleeping pattern isn't really a pattern at all. I'm mostly awake when the time comes for sleep, so I imagine different worlds I could live in, or I stare at the dark corners of a room because they seem endless enough to create my own.
After all,
she was my entire world, and I'm tired of being alone here, and I'm tired of sharing it with anyone else. I'd like to live somewhere that I'll fit in. Where I'll be enough for that little world of ours. Today, I saw her, and I am tired, and all I wanted was for her to stay home and be who she used to be, while I slept because,
After all
I did fall in love with her while she was sleeping. I remember brushing her hair back and kissing her cheek. From that moment on I knew I'd always love her and my nights could never truly end without me brushing her hair aside and kissing her cheek. I don't know what else I could do. It just happened. She fell asleep and my arm fell asleep but I didn't move. Instead I soaked in as much of her beautiful being as I could, sunk my head into her shoulder blades and fell into dreams along with her. And every time she sleeps so does my arm and I always kiss her and I always fall asleep thinking of that moment happening everyday for the entirety of my life. So, I take back the things I pretend are okay, and I take back pretending I wouldn't let you hurt me forever, because it's worth it. And so I (take back) taking back (my heart), I don't mind.

If you want to find yourself again, then keep writing. That's you. From the day I first knew you until you lost your way.
I love you.
Always.

M Feb 2014

Retitled.

By now I'm sure I'm nothing more to you all than the guy who fell in love with a girl that he can't stop writing about. I think I'd be okay with that, because I do love her, and there's nothing that I want you to know about myself more than I want you to know: I want to be whoever she wants me to be. Your books and your inspirational quotes, your mothers and fathers, and friends.. they all tell you to never change who you are just to be with someone else. Well, those people who wrote those books, your friends, your family.. see, they've never known her. I believe in her so much that I think that anyone who does not know her, should. She's not someone that you meet and you think of her as a really good friend, or girlfriend, or just a pretty face. No, she's not that at all. She has this collection of beautiful smiles that ignite her blue eyes, and maybe they only shine because of a build up from her tear ducts when her eyes slightly close, but it doesn't change what it looks like, and it doesn't change the fact that it only happens when she smiles. She has soft cheeks and a freckle on the left side of her bottom lip. Her voice is... Well, to tell you the truth It's hard to think about her voice. It's as clear in my head as it is straight from her vocal chords, and I'd do anything to hear her whisper in my sleep again. I've been dreaming of myself in house fires, and eruptions, and drowning in the sea, and I always wake up reaching frantically for something that's not there, or wanting to run to the nearest exit. My soul will not let me sleep, it can't live without her. So it's been burning my dreams down, and it's been choking me awake. She's exactly like drowning, she's exactly what makes it hard to breathe but easy to know, with her I want to take my last breath. Maybe you still don't understand, but you get to wake up from your nightmares, and I wake up to mine. I want to spend my nights with her and pull her closer in the cold mornings. I'm the type of person who can study medicine and learn to save a life, but she.. she is naturally smart, and she knows how to live. I need that. To live, and with her, that is everyday. I met her while her heart was broken, and since I've wanted to take all those little pieces of her broken heart and keep it safe behind my bones, right next to mine. This is something I love doing. Writing. Regardless, I'll always want to write, and change the world, and I'll always love her. Her- An endless sky with billions of galaxies made of billions of stars, she is the eruption inside of me. Our universe itself will even come to an end. That is inescapable. The hydrogen will eventually be burned to nothing and stars will no longer be born. As the last diamond dies out, the infinite darkness will consume all we've known and everything will turn cold, but I'm not afraid. Not with her. Long after our bodies become a part of this dying world, my soul will cling to hers, and we'll crawl out of the dark together. We'll spend an eternity dancing through the cosmos. After all, she is where I belong. She's exactly that. For now, this is where I am. Beginning each day fighting for her lips. Ending each night staring at a picture with a caption, "I'll love you forever."

Before falling in love with me, you must know about the constant meltdowns, and the nights of endless tears. You must know about my damaged heart, and my broken soul. Be aware that I never sleep at night, and sometimes I talk in my sleep. You must know about my need for your love, as well as my distant personality and constant fear of losing you. And know about my terrible fear of spiders, and the way I eat too fast for my own good.
But once you fall in love with that part of me, you can fall in love with my tender smile and warm embrace. You can fall in love with the way I'll warm your hands in mine, and tickle your feet with my toes. You can fall in love with the way I'll make you soup when you're sick, and how I'll kiss you when you get hurt. Fall in love with the way I laugh, and the soft spoken words of encouragement I'll give to you.
At the end of the day, I want to be able to fall asleep knowing that our lives are intertwined in a way only we can understand.

M Jan 2014

I believe

I haven't been the man you've fell for over and over again. The truth is, I just want you to be proud of me again. I'm not sure what to fix or where to go. I don't like my face anymore. I hate the way my body looks and I can tell you do too. I used to feel your eyes on me at all times and now I can feel how hard it is for you to look at me and pretend that I'm something. A simple two days ago I was afraid to die. I threw away my nicotine because I was scared that it would take me from you sooner. I didn't realize at that time you were already gone. So I bought myself a new pack today because I want to be taken sooner. I can't really leave this basement right now. The ironic thing is I hate being alone, and I really hate basements, but I feel if I surround myself with the things that hurt me then maybe my heart will change the subject for a while. I remember at these times more than any, the people that have told me they've lost everything and I remember the sympathy I had for them. Never did I imagine what it really felt like to lose everything. To not have a single person believe in you anymore. Never could they imagine what this feels like. I can't stop crying, but this is different. I've been staring at a white wall with a blank expression, because it seems fitting. And the tears just invite themselves. There's no longer that curve on my face. You know, the one that only you can see. I don't believe in me, because I'm a follower. I don't want to be the outcast. I want to blend in so badly, so that when I'm no longer here it won't make a difference. Regardless, it won't make a difference. But it can't hurt to pretend.

M Jan 2014

In these bodies

We live, in these bodies we die.

M Dec 2013

Read last.

I'm sure right now you're thinking that this is the part where I confess all of the terrible things I've done and kept secret from you, but it's not. This is the part where I tell you that I stay awake, because either I've convinced myself that I cannot sleep, or I've given up on trying to convince myself I can do it without you. I play music to distract myself from you and I smoke because it helps me breathe again. Meanwhile I paint you for my ears every time I write, and I smoke because I hope it makes you mad, and I want you mad because I'd do anything to feel something from you again. I want to take all of the blame, because I always said that it didn't matter what you did, I will never leave you. I don't care if it's a mistake, it can't be, but even if it was, I wouldn't care. I make a million mistakes everyday and I'd be okay with waking up to you being my first. It doesn't matter to me how terrible we say we are together, because it'd be terrible with anyone else, and at least I'd get to be in love with you. And maybe I was angry, maybe I am angry, but ****** you're beautiful, and I'd blister and burn if it meant holding you. Partially because we both know how stubborn we are, and mostly because we both know how bad we want the same things. I want you to know that I look like hell right now. I haven't been upset, but I haven't cared about the way I've been seen lately. So, I just continue to look like hell, and this is the kind of hell you always said was beautiful. I've stood in the cold for you before. The wind stung my ears, but It felt good because I could still hear your voice.

M Dec 2013

Read first..

There are a few things I've been keeping from you. Things I think you deserve to know.