I'm alot of things, we all know this..
My emotions seem as unpredictable as the great Alaskan weather at times especially when it comes to you..
Imagine, hurt, frustration, insecurities, hatred, romance, love, and a painful understanding of not only your past but my very own..
Understanding. I'll say it again. Flaws revealed, and still holding on to love someone so imperfectly perferct in the darkest of your very days (at the time it sure was.. 17 wasn't nice to me..)
To be able to love you was meaning loving the parts of me I hated, that mainly being my upbringing.
To love you was letting go of all reasons, all logic in life, and shifting focus on vibe and emotion (**** was that dangerous...)
To love you, it killed the light in my eyes and the touch of my poetry sacred soul....
It hurt so bad and it's a hurt 5hat doesn't stop hurting.
I didn't deserve you.
I didnt..didn't...
And you didn't deserve me...
No.

But I tried to work with what my hands were delt, I thought I could love the hate out of your soul, and leave a print on your heartt that you'll never forget. I wanted to love you so long and so hard that you'd change the hate within you and consider loving me and yourself. You always tried destroying yourself, you just never cared. I tried to give you a reason to care.
But in all that healing I so very tried within my heart and soul to give you, I lost myself.
And I'll never ever ever forgive myself for that. 17 year old me didn't deserve that . But I have only the way I was brought into the dark side of the tracks growing up to blame.

I was so dependent on you it was sad. I was truly crazy over you. And I always will be. I love you very much and I'm afraid I always will.
You see, you tell me you care about me and I wish that was true.
Because me and you, we could of bee beautiful.  I mean really beautiful, like the secret garden and like the northern lights dancing free among the darkest of places in the woods, shining ever bright, and twinkling away all the pain within. We could of over turned this cursed life we were given, together and be something.  

But than I think on it, and the interaction that of which we had the blessing of attending together and suddenly realize that whatever I envisioned, whatever I thought of us as... it wasn't real for you..
It was real for me though.
I love you still. I care about you.

Me...

Freedom is writing, imagination and dreaming for me..
So sit with me, I dont bite..
Hear the story of how you set me free from my chains.

They say the mind is our own worst enemy, "Dont think too much" My friends would ramble on as I write vigorously on the first page of a brand new journal.
I look at them as imbeciles, they think too little to not question all of whats around them.. or to ignore it!

Right about now the clock strikes 8AM and I shall be off to my bus for school.

the way his eyes light up In the darkest of spaces.. His soft silky hair.. His voice, and the way he looked at me for the first time. I'm in love

Its running late, and its 40 below today.. the cold is getting through to my core..

His arms holding me as I cry In the house that built me.. the house that destroyed my inner most child.and created a beast.. he warms me, though its 2 below in my room..and though theres an empty hole in my chest

30min go by.. still no bus. My lips are blue, I can see them reflecting in the busted side mirror of an old junker chevrolet out front. Ill wait a little longer. The cold is at about a 5/10 right now "I got this." And I do..

I'm starting to burn up In his embrace.. His love so powerful any ice within my chest Is melted at an instance. All the world around us melts.. we float on this broken spring mattress into the mystic of our soul connection.

An hour goes by. Im sure the fact is relevant to you that I won't be going to school today, but to me theres still hope.. so i gather sticks and rocks beneath the hardened packed snow and get a fire going for myself out here, "maybe there's an accident"

What is it to be saddened or upset? Dont you remind me. Right now beside his body, skin on skin, soul on soul, I feel naked. Hes held me so tight today that hes bannished my troubles of the past..  melted my inner most glaciers. He warms this heart of mine, connects to my soul, and together we dance among the stars in spirit.


The fire blazes this morning. No idea the temp, or time- I'm warm out here. Thats all that matters. If I go inside the house I'll have to dream like I'm dead, so sit with me.. so I can imaine my dream mans dialogue to all to be said..

(But theres no fire flickering right now, it's all in my head. I'm battling my demons with my dreams. Dont wake me today please. Let me be with my lovers, be with my friends.. let me be free with the memory of him)

Drugs cloud my thoughts and destroy my body and mind..
Do you think you can love me for the dammages your going to find?
I love too much..
And speak so little...
My hips rock back and forth upon your masculine body..
this is me giving you all of me..
My love.
I know no other way..

Even If you dont love me, **** me like you do for the night and we can part ways come
Sunrise when you wake up to start your beater with heater..
Make this encounter last me the winter.. for I know this ones going to be the coldest yet...
Leave me with a memory ill never forget..

My heart is gold,
lovers bid on it till they fold.
Sold!
to the man in the lifted truck..

Low n behold devil at your door
you need more
so u do what u do u soar..
hi..
high high above the sky masking and covering up your reasons why,
to fly above 
to push to shove
dont need my love
but once upon a ******* time you were 'here'
now u may be near me, but your ******* gone cant hear me, gone gone wrong,
crossing and jumping the tracks
hiding the reasons the facts
I love you but *******
you say love waits,
tell that to me when u wake up n find I'm burnt out I'm gone,
**** u left me once n for all..
I stumble I fall.
I wake up to a nightmare a mess, a living hell a stress
**** I need u for...
you held me, you kept me warm..
but all I need is me myself and I...
I dont need drugs to fly,  I'm already ******* crazy...
Only then you know sometimes straight lines are crooked

Ice blue

The color ice blue,
its..true...
look at thy Icey hue...
I wasn't always like this

Once thy eyes were bright and sky blue,
so blue they almost caught the realms of the heavens white clouds..
they twinkled, and you craved my shine...
Now they've taken,
they've ate..
at me...
now thy eyes are an icy cold blue...

*People aren't born this way they are made this way