My eyes betray me,
They follow the motion of his hands,
They trace the curve of his back.
They will me to send out my fingers,
Willing traitors, to touch his face.
I imagine what it would be like,
To rub my face into his beard,
To breathe in the scent of him.
My mind calls mutiny,
Searches for ways to escape him.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.
Don't think about....
The way his eyes betray him.
They search for me in the crowded room.
They trace the curve of my body,
And land softly on my lips.
His eyes are wanting,
Willing his hands to lay siege.
My mind is quiet, giving in,
There is no escape for me.
Like old lovers
Our eyes greet one another.

No one said it would be easy,
But no one said it would be this hard,
To not hear your voice or see your face,
To not feel the beating of your heart.
Everything about me is a haunting reminder
Of you and everything you’ll never be,
My eyes, my smile, my hair, my laugh
All screaming that you’re not here with me.
I know how selfish I must seem
Wishing that God hadn’t called you home so soon,
But how am I supposed to grow up right
Asking all my questions to an empty room?
Seven years have passed so quickly
And I can remember the final moments so clearly,
I wish I could have shown you more
That I loved you so dearly.
No one said it would be so hard
That I would regret all I hadn’t given
I should have savored every moment more
Before you left me for heaven.

Its in my head,
An ugly virus.
The memories won't stop,
Won't go away.
Spreading like a plague,
They're taking over.
All I see is your hands,
Turned to fists.
They haunt me now
I'm so vulnerable.
I have all this love,
I have all this fear.
When will I get over this?
Should I ever get over this...?

I am wild at heart,
I yearn to be free.
Not stuck in this cage,
Suppressed and controlled.

Answer me this,
What did I miss?
Your smiling face,
A warm embrace?
A hand to hold,
Love untold?
You must be lying,
I’ve stopped trying.
Those things elude me,
They can’t set me free.
If they fix me scars
No one goes that far
So answer me this
With a single kiss.

He loved her like the wind,
She was his gravity
To her earth he was pinned.

He loved her like the sea,
She was everything
More than he could ever be.

He loved her like the moon,
She was fading
He would lose her too soon.

He loved her like a rose,
Her petals wilting
Cold on the end of her nose.

He loved her so much,
She grew numb
Couldn't feel his gentle touch.

He loved her more than she would see,
She was his life, his heart, his only,
She was his Mindy.

Sorting feelings too big to understand,
Heavy like blankets yet light,
One by one, set free finally,
I'm set free...finally.

It's funny,
At night,
In the dark,
It's you.
I miss you,
The laughs,
The smiles,
The love.
He's wrong,
Not right
Like you,
Like us.
I can't tell,
Spill secrets,
About me
Needing you.
This poem will
Tell you
Without telling,
I miss you.

Say something.
Word or phrase.
I can't take this.
I can't be alone in this.

Do something.
Act and fight.
Lash out if you want.
Just please don't give up.

Feel something.
Be angry, cry.
Is there any heart inside?
Because you're breaking mine.

Blacken the room,
Fill it with rage.
Fists like iron
In the war you wage.
Scream for nothing,
You'll shout it loud.
His hands are bleeding,
Does it make you proud?
Crawling like ants
Under the skin,
Your wrath is a hammer,
Let the swinging begin.
Now you stand alone
In the wake of your hate,
Wish you could take it back,
Isn't it too late?

Can you hear me screaming?
My heart inside is bleeding.
This trust is receding
As my lonely soul is grieving.

You taught me how to be
Then ripped it out from under me.
You never heard my pleas
As my faith in you seized.

You said you'd always be there,
You are some place, but where?
You said you'd always care,
But even that was more than you would spare.

My brother, my closest friend
Why did it end?
Is the truth so easy to bend?
Love so hard to lend?

No one here understands,
I'm left here with empty hands.
Can we wade back through time's sand?
Could you be a brother if you tried?
If you can?

Are we doomed to be nothing more
Than two paper airplanes adrift.
We live on separate gusts of wind,
Gently keeping our distance.

Here I am again on my knees,
Like the little girl I once was
Begging, "Please..."

I lift my heart and my hands,
Place my doubts before you,
My demands.

"God please hear my cries,
The anguish of my heart,
My sighs."

The adult in me is scoffing, mild,
While the small part of me believes
Like a child.

I lure you into conversation
To find your smile,
Illumination.

Can you find time for this soul,
To smile with me,
Make me whole?

If you're lonely I'll be a friend,
I'll fight for you
Til the bitter end.

I play this over and over in my mind,
Your songs, your calls, the love.
You left me behind.
We exchanged such beautiful words,
Meaningless strings of whispers,
It's so absurd.
You were my light, my friend, my muse,
And you left me so empty
Left me so used.
Even so, I fondly remember your song,
All the nights you felt so right,
I was so wrong.

I watch as you sleep,
Your soft breaths singing
A melody of dreams.
The sunlight hits your face,
Illuminating your skin
Silk on my fingertips.
You smile for a moment,
Soon you'll wake
Breaking the spell.
When I watch you sleep,
Life is perfect
Simple.
I can admire what is mine,
(At least for the moment)
Forever.

For you I fell,
Passed my fate to the hands
Down a well.
I shed my skin,
Bared my muscles
Bone and tendon.
My affection a pit,
A place for you to ****
Spread your grit.
For you I had leapt
Straight from the safety of home
Took my last breath.
For me you pushed,
A little shove and turned
As I mushed.

I remember your face like it was yesterday,
But the days keep pushing you further away.
Your laughter a silent echo in my mind
Of the life I so reluctantly left behind.
Your smile haunts me like a ghost at night,
Flickering for a moment in memory just in spite.
If reaching out over the miles were possible, I would,
I'd come back and stay, if only I could.

Why is it you?
When my mind can't unwind,
When I'm at my darkest
At my brightest.
Why is it you?
When my body sleeps
But my brain is awake,
Dreaming up memories.
Why is it you?
Whom I've not seen in years,
Left behind in a moment,
Haunting me.

Why is it you
That I so desperately want
Beside me?

I miss the days that have passed,
Ones with so much potential,
Days full of happiness and grace.
I miss the people I have lost,
The poetic fluffy haired friend,
The long distance soft singer.
I miss not feeling so alone,
Counting days of the past,
Wishing they'd come back.

I can feel it under my skin,
The sickness that did you in.
It haunts me like your ghost,
Lurking more days than most.
I cannot be certain it will surface,
But all I can remember is your face.
The way the life drained from your eyes,
The small breath as you died.
One day it will find me here,
Quivering in a secret fear.
If this disease will take me too,
At least it will take me to you.

Human contact,
That's what I need,
Skin on mine,
Knocking knees.

Thoughts bursting.
Smoothing out.
Leaving slowly.
A whisper now.
Fading away.
Nothing remains.
A barren land
Inside my brain.

I can't bear this tearing, this pulling.
It's ripping me to pieces
As I stand helpless.
My mind is open in all directions,
But where do I go from here?
Where's my solace?

I thought once I held it in my hands,
Held on as tight as I could
Willed it to stay.
But just as it always has, it broke to pieces.
Ripping me wide open,
Tearing me away.

I stuck it back together with lies and tried
To keep it with me one more time,
One more day of peace.
It's cracking under the pressure of my fingers,
Threatening to snap once again.
Break me in its release.

I’m certain you know how it feels to watch her die.
I’m sure you remember asking God why.
I’m positive you held a hand that grew cold.
I know you cried that she would never grow old.
I’m assured you dreamt of her smiling embrace.
I believe that you miss seeing her lovely face.

I’m certain you scream when no one will hear.
I’m sure you distance yourself from what’s dear.
I’m positive you hate letting others close.
I know you’re scared of being abandoned most.
I’m assured you can’t look at complete families the same.
I believe that you can’t even bear to say her name.

I’m certain you’re haunted by her last smile.
I’m sure you thought it would last quite awhile.
I’m positive you tried to blame the nurse.
I know you are aware the disease was a curse.
I’m assured that you know she’s better off now.
I believe that you will recover someday, somehow.

This bruise on my face,
The memory of fists,
I should have known
It would come to this.

Why is it that
Every time I see you
Something in me breaks,
Something in me is set free.

Why is it that
Every time I'm near you,
I want you to get closer
I want you to see all of me.

I've drawn my line in the sand,
I know this isn't what you had planned.
Such distance between us two,
I'm trying to crawl away from you.
You left me beaten, battered, bruised,
Never in my life had I been so used.
"No" was never in your vocabulary,
If it was, you had it long since buried.
As your hands fought against my pleas,
Pushing me to crash down on my knees.
Your ears were wide open, wide shut,
Your eyes a cruel gaze twisting my gut.
You never heard a word I had said,
You left my heart cold, sick, and dead.
I'm left numb from the feelings you severed,
I'll be left holding this shattered psyche forever.
But I'll begin to put myself together again,
Slowly, I'll find myself a way to mend.
If it takes an eternity, that will have to do,
As long as these lines keep me far away from you.

Just when
I let go.
You pull
Me in again.

In one ear
And out the other.
Part of me
Always wondering
Why even bother?