I'm still 17.

Are ages really that important when the same thing you have wanted since you were real little still hasn’t come into your life?

It seems dumb because I’ve had opportunities, I think
Like at the dive bar, when he gave me a drink
Or shouted, “ *******” from the seat of a car
When I didn’t want to go home after the bar
Or texted," Come by! Watch movies, and chill!"
But I didn’t answer cuz I’m not on the pill
Is this how you start dating?
Is this what you do?
I kind of hate it
But that’s how we made it

She wore their relationship like an old noose, but she liked the heaviness.

if only they could see these words dripping down my face
like a GirlCovered in black mascara tears

if only they could hear me cry, muffled in the stall
like a running faucet with no where to go.

if only they could taste the blood on my lips,
like the deepest wine stain from a bottle, wasted

if only they could smell those memories I drag with me
like overflowing "***** laundry"

Then maybe they could finally toss that old float in the water
and pull me out

So you tell me it's not normal
To stare from high places
Down at gray pavement
    and think
What a comfortable mattress...

I wanna go back to my girls, my clique
My number one team, my winning pick

Young, wild, and free we're the kings of Queens
Cuz **** sexist *******, not defined by our genes

I miss laughs and long nights and soda bottles of *****
Freezing, but hot in our high heeled shoes

Dancing on tables and counters and bars
Getting home late, looking up at the stars

We are so weird and so lost, but in each other we're found
Not just college friends, sisters; eternally bound

I wanted to hug, you wanted to hide
I wanted excitement, from that you shied

I like loud, silly, always wanting more
You like quiet, sarcasm, contemplative to the core

Most older, are bolder
But you followed the rules

I followed behind
Tried to fill some big shoes

Now you try to hug and to me its feels weird
To have love from a sister, a friend I once feared.

You are still a mystery, so many things I don't know
But I hope over time, those parts you will show

Please know you can trust me, I love you so much
The sister I longed for, who rejected my touch

Look at us now, friends at last
I'm sorry if I hurt you, I’m sorry for the past

I only want the best for you and I’m truly so proud
Of this sister of mine, whose voice has grown loud.

Whose planning is immaculate and time management too
Who is teaching me so much, whose friendship is true

Who makes me laugh with just a look
Who has become an accomplished cook

Who has taken my hand in the figurative sense
Who is honest and open and gives her two cents

Who says, "I love you" in different ways,
in manicures and t-shirts and beach days

I applaud you my sister, for you have grown tall
In so many ways and I love them all.

I once had a crush on my RA
But he’ll never read this so it’s okay;

While I was chasing boys around
I was lost, but you I found

Sitting, waiting with your base
A royal flush, a straight, an ace

But I was a dumb and silly dame
For that I have myself to blame

You would listen, me an open book
But I was too distracted to give a closer look

And now you’ve left for home, some desert somewhere
And I’m alone with this regret I bare.

I listen to Mayer and think of you
A missed opportunity, a wound still new.

My thoughts are in a constant battle
Contained in my mind like herded cattle

Today: Pants too big, here a reward
Tomorrow: Too tight, food I can't afford

My face, a canvas blank and pristine
Tomorrow: Broken, raw, unclean

Today you are pretty and likable, new
Tomorrow not so, compliments few

Charting how I love myself every minute
Cheated out of the present, I’m not fully in it

How shallow, how wrong, I scold to my reflection
How honest, how right, undeserving of affection

These two thoughts always loud in my ears
One builds me up, one adds to my fears

Neither one wins, or so far it's a tie
My lifetime puzzle, two truths and a lie

I’m caught in this trap of a clynical depression
Some call it  disease but I call it an infection

What if you woke up with a cloud above your head?
Your cells are alive but you’re wishing that you’re dead

And you can feel it coming like a train on a track
But your standing on the third rail with no looking back

There’s no Christian Bale to save you, in some high tech masquerade
This is real life, you’re the hero , no such thing as “ foreign aid”


So  you sit down on the track and you take out a book
Just sit and relax , both ways don’t even get a look

Just waiting for the first hit, there is no sliver of hope
“In this corner weighing in at….!”, here comes the rope a dope

This song is like my side chick
With a beat that is mad thick
And a melody like magic
Feelin so high, I’m dope sick
A three in one, a hat trick

So you better watch your ****
And listen to the clock tick

Cuz she’s taken watch your back
A Liam Neeson sneak attack

Its just me and her alone
Don’t get this **** over blown
Not Iraq, no battle zone

This thing is a party, but its also a date
Got one thing on my mind and it’s already late.

I ran a red light today
Nine in my belt
one thing on my mind
but I don't know how it felt

a mission is the vision
ain't a thing in my way
I'm gonna make a killin
or a *****'s dyin today

Don't even try to save me
don't forgive me Lord
I know exactly what I'm doin
and I don't need your help

this color on my hands is got me cryin for God
but I know he will forsake me just for killin my dog

I haven't missed a day in the life
but I know how it goes
when your friend is your wife
you go out to dinner
you do all these things
you won't leave her hanging
when your chicken is wings

I used to dream of romance
A musical, a trance
Hand holding hand
Sounds of a band
An old fashioned sway
The 50's way
A blouse and a skirt
An innocent flirt
A bid farewell
I'm under your spell

But reality hits like a slap to the face
It's really a club with the bump of a bass
Its really a see- through low cut crop
Less of a dance hall and more of a shop
A drink is my price, or so you think
But you're kinda cute so I give you a wink
I turn around to see, but it's already gone
Romance has left the building and I start to yawn
You barely know my name and already want more
What will they call me tonight, a "*****" or a "*****"?

The cab beeps
and I yell "Peace!"
"What's up?!" you yell
I think, " my lease"

Some people cut
Other people burn
When I'm stuck in a rut
It's the bottle I yearn
I could just as easily smash it then bleed
But that 's not how my demon likes to feed
I like to suffer by getting out of my head
Forgetting my identity and falling in bed
I get low by feeling real high
A mask of myself
My night is a lie
I have a little flashlight
Sometimes I search for truth
But my battery is dead
and my sight left with my youth

Is it possible to throw-up an entire year?
I'd do it
Taste aversion would be helpful in the future.

There are so many in the world who suffer
Whose lives are broken, bitter, rougher
Who are forced to grow up quicker, tougher
They aren't just in the ghetto
They aren't just in the boonies
They are all around
like oxygen
All these people trying to begin
again
And maybe if we could unplug our earbuds for a minute
and plug them into their hearts
we would listen
and we would know
and we could hug
and we could donate our shoulders
and our hands to hold
To people who suffer, the young and the old
Then they wouldn't feel so lonely,
Cuz they would hear our hearts too
and we could sit on park benches and know it was true.

Hands on my body
No resistance or judgement
Just let it happen
like a wave in the ocean
and some are calm
and you see them coming
feels like a nice buzz, or better a humming
And others crash and hurt inside my head
Like my alarm clock next to my bed
Wake up, before you fu ck up!
but too late
my clothes, on the ground
and my dignity is missing
still hasn't been found.

Let me tell you what I've learned about toxicology
My life is toxic and I owe it an apology
Peer Pressure?
Whats that?
Like an invite to get ****** up with friends?
Oh, you should resist that?
I always remember once the night ends


But not much else

I'm broke and I've been broken
Like an arcade game that won't take your token
I take vacations in my mind
Go on dates with myself
I'm the best match for me
I'm on the highest shelf
I can't fix you
No tools
Only super glue
So get it line and wait a few

I’m a slave to this typical college lifestyle
Wake up each weekend awaiting my trial
Who am I what happened to that pretty innocent girl
So full of life, so friendly
With hair with a curl
The second that bottled touched her lips
Started a marathon of morality trips
That kiss of death once foreign and strange
Is the ******* father of all of this change
Im angry but lazy a toxic combination
And I’m friendly and familiar with this typical situation
I need help, guidance, a hand to pull me out
I’m drowning, I’m losing the worlds longest bout

Used to talk about the winds of change
Blew so hard dreams out of range.
A poster child for too much too fast
A lifestyle that can’t possibly last.
Too many regrets and not enough memories
Shame in my heart makes me weak in the knees
That girl
was never what I wanted to be
That girl
has replaced my identity
This cycle of mistakes than cycle of forgiveness
All because of one innocent kiss
That turned into too much too fast.
Now is my present my future my past
A definition hard-pressed to overcome
Is this an experience I will learn from?
My value is priceless I know this for fact
But what happens when imagined reality turns into act
Does it count? Deduct worth? Hold steady forever?
May have blacked out once but forget it never
Smile on my face song in my heart
Has become the biggest lie, what a false start
My life lacks truth, commitment, and redemption
I need self-control and freedom from temptation.

Gossamer ghosts
Of what is longed for
In the soul
An ideal tried
To be forgotten
With the aid of poison
And the thump of a beat
Woken by
The thump of a book
Slamming the desk
Bringing me back to
Heavy boots
A heavier heart
The long for a fresh start
And still no resolve
No solution or direction
My loneliness spreading like a
Contagious infection
Except it goes
Past the clock
Over the line
And it
Cuts
So deep
But I’m too numb to notice
Like Novocain
Piercing my brain
While my eyes
Ice over
And my feet shuffle
To the beat
Of silence
I float for hours
A balloon unattached
But no holiday here
Trying to feel concrete in where
I stand
And though my boots are heavy
They don’t stick