Honeydrops: Favorites

Oct 2014 Honeydrops

derelictmemory

It was just like this.
Being without you was just like this.
Uttering that I hate you under my breath
and letting it carry through the wind
while my mind screams that I love you
Because on a late September night,
you held me like I belonged somewhere
besides the cracked sidewalk under
the tears of the moonlight.
And in an intelligible dream, you held me
like there was no other place and time
and state of existence you wanted to be.
Being without you was being reminded
of the times I was with you
when you didn't want to let go.
Being without you was knowing how it felt
to be a portion of a soul that was not mine
and walking about the next morning
with an arrow stuck in between the arteries
of my bruised heart.
Being without you was feeling you tell me
you loved me while you hand rested on
my thigh and living every night wishing
we had stayed a little longer.
Being without you was not being able
to tell the difference between reality
and a daydream because it was all real.
It was all real.
Being without you was being torn apart trying
to explain to my heart that your hands
never held it and that you never really wanted
to stay for longer than needed.
Being without you was hearing your voice
telling me you wanted a few minutes more
before you had to leave
and waking up to a cold bed
far too big for one.
Being without you was like being haunted
by phantom limbs trying to inflict their torture
of making my hands feel yours intertwined
with my fingers and feeling what it felt like
when you lowered your walls and let me have you -
or at least, a part of you.
Being without you was having a constant nagging
in my head telling me I should've kissed you.
I should've kissed you when you were close enough,
when you reached out for me and knowing that it's too late.
And it was just like this.
Being without you was just like this.

I think I love him. If even a little.

Aug 2014 Honeydrops

death

Aug 2014 Honeydrops

F Jaxx

death

Your mom calls and says she's sending a plane ticket home
you email your college professors and explain that you'll have to make-up the midterm exam
you decide to drive the 1,547 miles back home instead of taking a flight.
you ask your roommate for any ******* she has left from Saturday night
you suddenly realize that last weekend will be the last time you dance for a while.
eventually you'll realize that you will never smile the same again.
You show up to your brothers funeral hungover and smelling of cheap gin.
you curse god, but you don't abandon him
you've always loved a good horror film, the blood and gory always thrilled you.
but this is real life, and romanticizing death is a luxury afforded only to hollywood films.
you hardly cry, tears will never be the glue that put together the pieces of your broken life.
you scream, and scream and scream.
but you're never too lost to be found

Jun 2014 Honeydrops

Earthquakes

Jun 2014 Honeydrops

derelictmemory

Earthquakes

I can't decide if earthquakes are caused by shifting rocks
Or if they are the result of the growing faultlines on my palms.
If the quake I feel is from jolts of energy formed due to the earth's crusts rubbing against each other
Or if the quakes are caused by the friction between my palms and my face
Perhaps earthquakes have nothing to do with the fact you left dragging your suitcase behind you
And perhaps it has no correlation with the rubber soles of my shoes and the cobblestone ground
Maybe earthquakes are screams of, "THIS IS TOO MUCH."
Maybe earthquakes are millions tremors whispering, "I can't take much more of this."
I've been struggling with differentiating equations involving inner shaking and outer breakdowns
But I have come to a conclusion that the probability of earthquakes existing within me is fairly close to one
And that the probability of earthquakes being caused by your hurt is possibly closer to one
Most days earthquakes begin from within -
The place where your hands used to cradle my heart is cold
And the ice is travelling from my arteries to my fingernails
Other days, earthquakes stem from the screams of the masses -
"You don't matter," they say, even though I am very much aware
That a flick of my finger could cause the collapse of a tower worlds away
I can hardly comprehend how sudden releases of pain can cause a rift in time and space
And sometimes earthquakes are the seizures that could keep someone alive and **** them at the same time.

21 June 2014

Jun 2014 Honeydrops

Suicide Note #7

Jun 2014 Honeydrops

derelictmemory

Suicide Note #7

Things are different and sometimes I wish I remained in the shelter labelled as The Indifferent where soap bubbles were as indestructible as bulletproof glass.
But you have a way of making me roll down my windows long enough to pass me nibblets of living and I wish you never reached your hand in to touch mine.
Safe houses aren't constructed to keep people out but deadbolts are in place to keep me in. I'd never advocate a limb to give me comfort;
your legs aren't strong enough to walk in this shambled home and your arms will burn before they can reach me.
I'm in the middle of flames that do not burn as strong as your eyes and I may not be a locksmith but I could very well create a lock that will keep you out.
I have a lead heart that's as fragile as the granite that define your sketches so don't you try to ring that doorbell because it won't open.
I find comfort in loneliness and solace in pain but you'll never change my mind about spring and how blooming flowers always close up from the world.
Morning Glory eyes that open with light and shut in darkness, you haven't been touched by the poison so let's keep you alive for as long as you are meant to live.
There's a difference between pessimism and realizing that the moon is as good as it gets so while you are safe, I will be as safe as dry wood in a bonfire.
I realize that pain is subjective and that iron walls are as needed as titanium souls but it doesn't stop me from being as frivolous as a dandelion.
Don't look at me like I hold treasures because I'm just a body of ashes and tears that is as significant to the eco system as a star that has burned out eons ago.
Remove me from your thoughts and eradicate every memory that acts as a landslide once I'm gone.
Your soul shines brighter with each passing day that I cease to matter.
And of all the words I've every said or written
remember that the most important is the poem about goodbyes and endless apologies.

I love you,
please forget me
and don't forgive me.