everything i am slipping through the cracks of your fingers
strands of hair lay docile unnoticed by my camera flash
text my with one hand muffled by the thickness of the night
affection lost through sharp and pleading requests

everyone looks so pretty happy
some people look pretty sad
but mostly ugly
ugly ugly children line the street and the halls at school
corpses with souls
with no smell at all
they reek of silence
their faces light up periodically
like lights flickering in a storm
this town is just a plot of land now
with some wood scattered about
fragmented lightbulbs litter the street
there was never hope in light
but we still try

dear mom,
you might love me but you certainly don't like me.
dear dad,
you might miss me but you certainly didnt make an effort to see me either
dear me,
you have a giant nose and horrible skin
dear diego,
sorry that you died
dear ellie,
i dont rlly think ur dead
dear kiwi,
ik you didnt really like me but youre soft
dear daisy,
plz dont die
dear luna,
youd get over me in a few weeks
dear eli,
i hope you ******* sob yourself to sleep
dear earlie,
i wish you would, but you probably woudn't
dear dad,
i dont care if you didnt get me a christmas gift in time but our plans to hang out when you literally live 20 minutes away have been postponed by 4 months
dear mom,
stop acting like you care
dear anthony
you a real one

i am on my hands and knees
begging
p l e a s e
get up
getup get UP
GETUPGETUPGETUP
i am sitting.
i am screaming
my eardrums are blown to **** right now
from crying in agonizing pain in my head
please
you have to get up
GET THE **** UP
but its like all of my cells are ten pounds and my mind is filled with concrete
im sorry but i cant.
i love you but i wont
im trying not to be selfish but im going to have to be
i dont want to get better
i want to sink further until you give up on me
and once you do everything will be better again.

obsession is purple
like silk sheets and smeared lipstick and wine glasses and violets
like blood clots and night walks and voices filled with malice
having an obsessive personality is hard when you have no one worthy over obsessing over so you will obsess over yourself
2018
affirmations in my notes app
"you can do this
you can do this
YOU CAN DO THIS
you CAN do this
you can do this.
you will do this
you will do this
you WILL DO THIS."
i can feel the obsession through the lcd screen
it reeks of narcissism and airplane juice and secrets and lightness
and goals and lack of you
i wanted to be skinny to be free, not boney
to feel dreams around me in daylight and to walk on tiptoes
you are the heaviest ive ever felt.

most people dont want to go to the hospital
i really want to go to the hospital

harsh words cut through lucidity in sleep
flow distorted by my continued faith in you
i am sorry my room isnt clean please dont take away my things
i would call this emotional abuse but im also emotionally abusing you
i flinch when you touch me not because ive been hit but because i am so worried skin to skin bonding will form an emotional connection
i don't want to give up my thoughts to you
you say i never talk but complain about how i ramble at dinner
maybe I do talk to you but you are only interested when i have something emotional to say
i am trying to communicate with you subtly
im not going to tell you straight up
straight up?