Oh baby,
Bring on that fire
I see in your eyes
When you talk about
Your passions.

Let me feel the thunder
In your chest with my
Fingertips.

Quake under the weight
Of my presence.

Darling,
When I press my lips
To your shoulders,
Its like shattering glass
On my nerve endings.

Its like symmetry;
When our bodies are
Playing bass drums
And creating a tune
For eternity.

Because when Im with you,
Time is only the
Instance in which
We forget ourselves.

Sweetheart,
You leave something
Unobtainable inside of me
When you go home
For the night.

I have never longed
For contact before.
For the embrace of anything
But exsistence.
But *******.

When you bring the fire,
There is nothing that
Quite sums up how desolate
I am when you're gone.

I hope that wherever you are,
You are reading this and remembering
How it felt to be beside me.

Because I can barely remeber
The way your skin tensed under
My fingers. Or how when
The breeze from the open window
Blew through your hair
The aroma of your shampoo
Filled the room.

I dont remember what it was like
To wake up to your voice.
You know, the one I compared
To all the beautiful things
Ive ever known?
I cant remember what it felt like
To hear you tell me you loved
Me for the first time
At that show.

Its been a long time since you
Graced me
With a phone call.
But honestly I cant remember
What I would say if you did.

I forgot what it
Could be like
To just lay next to
Someone and smile.

Or that the presence
Of another person
Wasn't always
A razor's edge;

But something comfortable
You can look forward to.

You left.
That should
have been expected
Because who has
Ever stayed for me.

I know that I
Can be difficult,
I wont use my bruises
As an excuse for myself
Because I have none.

But forgetting
Your name
Wont be easy.
It is on the lips
Of all my lovers,
It is the pressure
That makes diamonds,
It is the tectonic plates
Against my temples
Like a hangover.

You are in everything
That I am.
I hate that I cannot
Hate you.

Time will weather
Me away until
I am no longer rigid
At the mention of your name.

And I will forgive myself
For pushing you away.

I look at the four walls
That surround me.
Day in and day out.
They are all the same
Shade of tin.
Kind of like a box,
Where you buried your
Dreams for the future
And told yourself you
Would dig it up
Ten years later and see
How close you are.
The big difference between
That box and the one I currently
Reside in however, is the window.
A metaphorical one to be clear;
In that box buried in the ages
Was a window to a world
Where I meant something.
To myself mostly.
The important thing to take away
From this is that of all the dreams
You will ever have will never
Amount to anything
If you never step out of the box.

Roses defend themselves
With razor tipped thorns.
Keeping anyone who wishes
To hold them close at bay.
What a perfect metaphor.
I thought maybe I could handle
A little blood if it meant I could
Keep this beauty for myself.
But maybe I shouldn't
Have dived head first into the bush.
Roses are meant to be
Cherished at a distance.
I only wish I had
This epiphany sooner.

I remember going
To church on Sundays
With a hole in my stomach
Where god should be.

I try to live my life
Like a eulogy.
Every action I make
A part of a well-oiled machine.

My words the cogs
Slowly turning over
Your tongue like a symphony
Of memories stained into
Your frontal lobe.

Because on the bad days,
Knowing that I mattered
To you makes it harder
To sink any deeper

And if one day,
I unzip my veins in the bathtub
Or fly from the ceiling
And explode into chaos
On the concrete,
Know that you mattered.

At some point
I decided to unpack
That last box.
The one I told myself
To open only
When I found a place
To call home.

And I think that
It should have remained
Unopened because
Nowhere will ever really
Be my home.
This place was a saftey net
From my darkness.
But I guess Ill pack that box back up.

If looks could ****,
I would have buried a hatchet
In your neck, and watched
As the life left your
Cold eyes, and your wretched
Heart stopped beating
And your abusive grasp went limp
And you crumpled
To the floor as lifeless
As you left me.

If I could apologize
For seeing the sunlight
In your eyes
I would.

The value of a rope
Can be measured in memories.

The tire swing, hung from an
Unmoving oak tree.

The ripchord from your
First parachuting experience.

The rope bound around your
Lovers hands on your wedding day.

Or the one around your neck
As you take your final breath.

I never said all memories
Would be good.

The principle that
Everything has a cause -

If I have a purpose:
A cause worth believing
In every day when I wake
I haven't discovered it yet.

Many times in my life
I have questioned
If my existence is
Worth its weight
In gold.

Most often, the answer
I come to is no;
But that might be the self loathing
Part of my soul
Reminding me to keep
My feet on the ground.

I think about all the words
Left unspoken at dinner parties.
Or the birthdays I
Intentionally avoided
So that I didnt have to
Half smile at loved ones.

I think about my tongue
Tied end over end,
Instead of standing my ground.
I think of all the nieces and nephews
Who would remember me only
In pictures.

Other times however,
I think about what
It means when I take my
Thoughts and put them on paper;
Either as a poem or
A suicide note.

There are choices to be made
At every turn,
I could choose to end
This existence
But I wont.

This is not necessarily
A poem as much as it is
A love letter.
I cannot find the words
To express it.
The idea of you as
An individual piece
Of the puzzle,
And only miniscule
In the grand scheme of things
Seems unrealistic,
Because you came into
My life and became
The whole picture.

Darling,
Our story starts out rocky
Like the shore of the lake
I spent summers as a child,
-Which, I do promise to
Take you one day for the record-
And we may be hundreds of miles
Apart for the time being,
But you will always find home
By my side.

I think of all the horrible things
We went through
To get to this place
In our lives.
The death, the aches,
All the grandiose
Suffering we have endured
That led us to this moment.

When I find you again,
Know that I will cherish
Every second in agony
At the thought of it passing.
I will smile through every
Tear you may shed
Or every argument when
I leave the lights on
And our electric bill
Sky rockets.

I swear that when I finally
Have you in my arms,
It will be the last time either
Of us feel alone ever again.

I warned you when we met
That I was dangerous
And you shrugged it off
As macabre humor.
But you see now what I meant right?
When I said dangerous,
What I really meant
Is that I would love you
In ways you did not think
Possible.

I am forever yours
And I mean that
In the most literal of senses.

I saw my tiger tonight.
Talk about a worst case
Scenario..

Her stripes will always
Hold a special place
In my heart,

But the power is gone.
She can no longer
Rake at me

From the shadows
Thanks to you.

I promised myself
That after the last girl
I would not fall in love again.
I never wanted to see her
Face in my favorite things
And breathe them in
Everyday.

I didnt want to feel
Thunder in my soul
When she smiles
At my rambling nature.

I didnt want to see you
-wait I mean her-
Liven the room
With only a laugh.

I didn't want to smell you
- Her. ******* it -
On my pillow cases
When you leave.

You.

I keep saying it
Because I am endlessly
And hopelessly in
Love with you.

So tonight when you sleep
Know that you are
Loved deeply.

I count the miles
Between us like seconds.
Because every minute away
From you feels like
Days passing by
In a haze.
And though I never meant
To love you
I count it as a blessing.

It is remembering
The love with alterior
Motives that changed
My perspective.

It is the loud moments
Of my parents
Replacing any good
In their souls

Hell is not a place
I go to when I die
But a way of life
I did not choose.

It is in her smile
From a thousand miles
Between us.

It is in the darkness
In my own head
That I will never
Escape.

I have come to know hell
In many ways,
It is a part of my past.

So I will bear it
Like a scar
Until I no longer
Feel the weight.

When you think of weddings
You should smile
Because its the pairing
Of two souls destined for each other.

When you think of the ceremony
You imagine her smiling as
She walks toward her lover
Ready to start a new life.

But her lips were tight today.
She walked like a toy soldier
On the front lines of a losing war
She knew was pointless.

Her usual smile that starts
From the outside in was a taught line.
Her eyes were pale grey
Instead of the usual shade of Atlantic.

There are no smiles here.
This isnt a happy ending
Where we get what we want
But a horror story.

These are the eyes
Of a hollow man;
They hold no luster
No precious stone.

Whatever soul they lead to,
Has gone away
With no hint
Of return.

Those eyes were
That of a child
Who couldn't wait
To grow up.

I count every step between
My past and the present.
Wondering if the road less travelled
Can finally bring me rest.

Rest--

If you could even
Call it that.
My tossing and turning
Borderline convulsions.

Bad decisions cant
Close the distance

So I dont turn to the bottle
In fears that Ill drown
In a silver *** sea

I guess it all comes down to
Sink or swim?
Can I hold myself a float
For another hundred steps?

Another drag on a cigarette --
Thats what days are to me.
Just another moment closer
To expiration.

I could hit the bottle,
But i know all too well
How hard the bottle
Hits back.

I am waiting
For my life to come into focus
But all it ever seems
Is ******* distorted.

Why am I alone
When everyone I love
Is here?
They are present

But i am an outsider.
I am standing on the side lines
While everyone else
Lives their lives.

I am a prisoner
To my own design.

Who knew lines across
Your skin could render me
So useless

My hands now bear
Your blood
And that will never wash away

I didnt know my words
Would be razors that
Sliced into your soul

Now however
Ill take that razor
To myself

And cut those words
From exsistence
Before I hurt anyone else

We would stay up for hours
Fingers and lips intertwined,
Dancing to our own rythym.

Talking of church bells and diamonds
Like the one on your finger.

White dresses and vows
In front of family and friends.
Promising eternity to one another.
Forever.

Forever sure is ******* short.

Walking through my own mind is deadly
like accidentally ingesting cyanide
in the preachers kool aid.

Or maybe its just the tiger from my past,
still stalking the recesses of thought
and presents itself only in times
of my own weakness.

I **** the day I fell for your stripes
and became ensnared in your claws
raking at the depths of my souls and despair.

Its been over a year and the flesh still stings,
no matter how hard I try
to run and outlive the past
the mauling I received will never heal.

I can't help but
hit the bottle tonight,
And think of a love
I let slip through my fingers.

With every drink
I wander further and further
Down the rabbit hole.
Till I'm gone.

The demons whisper to me:
Telling me how much
I don't deserve her
And that I'll never be happy.

I feel like the white rabbit.
Running too fast
To realize what
I've given up.

Now I'm sitting
Gazing at the red queens court
And watching some prince
Take my lovers hand.

The one I love is dancing
Across my eyelids.
Red satin flowing like
Rivers of my blood.

But she isn't dancing with me..

I see the cracks in
your porcelain skin.
You're frail figure
Swaying under the weight
Of things.

I remember when
We were younger
And the only worry we had
Was our curfews.
What happened?

Sadness should not equal
Blood.
Or loss of life,
Because the gravity in that
Is enough to **** us both.

Consider me your sentinel.
Silently watching and loving
From a distance in order to keep you
Safe.

Always remember my love,
I'm always here
When you need me.

Broken statues.
Crumbling remnants of past lives.
The bodies of the fallen,
With pain behind their eyes.

False facades.
The plaster over skin,
Humanity tries to cover up
and hide from the hurt within.

Beautiful masonry.
The statues we create,
around the world, around ourselves
desperate to escape our fate.

Simply breathless.
Stone and plaster strangle,
Fighting to break the bonds
Against the devils angle.

Listless sleep.
Death has surely come,
Reaping forgotten souls
Humanity falters, until his deed is done.

I am the running child.
Running. Always running far from love,
Far from emotion or attachment
Running till I could self-destruct.

Until I met you.

I never considered meeting you would save my soul.
That one moment with you could make me so euphoric,
That not even hell on earth could drag me down.

And believe me, I have come to know hell.
I stare at the devil in every empty bottle,
and at the end of every cigarette.

Its almost surrealism: Like a dream left unfulfilled for years,
Finally shown with focus and careful attention.
Like the aging of time pieces left in the sand
I patiently stare past the brass and tarnish
And see you as you really are.

All those years ago, I fell.
I defied my own heart that told me not to love -- and I did.
But fear got the better at the end and I lived up to my title of running child.
Always running from safety and stability
Into the cold abyss, leaving you stranded in my wake.

But you still waited.
Until I ran back to you.

And who could have guessed that you would bring rest
To my porcelain heart and calloused soles
Though sometimes I want to run;
Your love seems to do wonders, like an anchor.
Making me realize I should have come home to you
Long before now.

Are we really held accountable
For the sins or our fathers?

Can I, after all these years
Accept that I am only a face
In his mirror?

Fifteen years pass by
Like autumn winds without a word.
Not a single 'Hello' or 'I love you'
Escaping your lips.

For fifteen years
You were the monster under my bed.
Waiting to drag me into your hell,
Torture me as you did so viciously
To my mother.

After fifteen years..
I meet you at deaths door.
Withered and broken
For never saying those cherished words.

To learn that you changed
After my departure
Devastated me.

A love lost over fifteen years,
Is as much my sin, as my fathers.