My mother’s love is a burning house
It’s a white picket fence trampled in the dirt
My mother used to love us
She cradled my sister and I in her arms
She once told me she had a dream that we were both babies and she carried us one on each arm
My mother didn’t care if we got hurt
Only if it affected her in some way
She always talks about the “good old days”
Before we could talk before we could walk before we could give her our opinions
I know my mother loves me
Deep down in my soul I know she really does
I think in some deep hidden part of her she does feel bad for what she’s done to us
What she’s let happen to us
I love my mother but I don’t trust her anymore
I don’t trust her to make decisions for me
I don’t trust her to not let anyone ever hurt me
Because I know she just goes along with the crowd
When my mother’s feelings are hurt
She won’t talk to us
Even if all she’s hearing is the truth
Even if she’s heard it a million times played backwards
A broken record that she’s lived through
My mother doesn’t like the truth
It doesn’t paint her in a very pretty picture
She doesn’t want to talk about it  or think about it
And in some ways I understand that
But some things need to be talked about
Some things need to be out in the open
Before they burst and explode
And only people are left
Crying
My mother took care of us as babies
At least that’s what she said
We could see in pictures
Our earnest begging eyes
Staring up at her
Wanting more and more from her that she couldn’t give
I love my mother and through all of this, everything
I just want her to know that

I thought you loved me too, but I should know better
Because when I love someone I put my whole heart into it and put more effort than I need to
So eventually the other person will think they don’t have to
Every relationship I’ve had has ended messily
Maybe it’s because I’m complicated, my life is cluttered
My emotions come out to play when everything is calm
When everyone is happy, I create problems
I’m broken glass, sharp, harsh
When you step on me, I’ll bite back
I’ll cling to you, ivy on brick walls
Because you were there for me
When I asked you to
You were the happiest thing in my life
Because I made you be there
And you didn’t say no
You didn’t love me back
But also didn’t say so
I can never make anyone stay
I can never make feelings stick
I wanted this to work so much it made me sick
But it’s over, and that’s okay
It’s okay
Even if it’s not
I’m okay
Even if I’m not
That’s okay too
You’re just a boy
They’re just boys
There’s nothing wrong with them
Just me

It’s the end
Or at least it’s coming soon
Hopefully
The bomb has gone off
And only I am left
Because I pushed everyone away
I’m swimming in regret
I’m drowning in self-hatred
Because If I would have spoken up sooner
Nothing would be bad
If I had only done something
I literally didn’t do anything
At all
I stood there
I let it happen
I let him hurt me
And I was embarrassed
To tell
I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted me too
That he would take away my toys and yell at me
How stupid does that sound?
He takes away my computer privileges
And my DS
THAT’S what I was concerned about
THAT is why I didn’t move
Because I was afraid to get yelled at
So I let him touch my body
When I didn’t want him too
I was young and very very dumb
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live
Because maybe I’m so damaged
I could never make someone happy
I could never be happy myself
I have thoughts like that all the time
But I know I can’t act on them
Even though I want to
I’m just struggling right now
I don’t know
But I can’t sleep
I have nightmares about what happened
About the occurrences
About everything that's happened

Under, inside
Peeling from skin
Break free
Shivers from unknown sources
Anxiety cannot be defined
I might be scared
Lose your mind
Pick off the thorns
Set fire to the roses
You’ll be fine

Animal
On the ground
Snarling
Breaking barriers
Out of skin
Transform
You are strong
But not as strong as him
Were you?
He’s weak
Wounded
On the ground
You fight
Snap of bones
Jawbone broke
You won
But did you?
Yes, you did
But was it worth it?

My truth hurts her
My mommas crying
Because I told
Locked her king away
For abusing his family
A castle of tragedy
Princess locked away in her room
Queen lighting up a cigarette
Now everybody knows
What I went through
That hurts you
Because everyone looks at you differently
My birthday is a week away
I wonder if she’ll think of me
If she’ll imagine about how I’m doing
And wish I’d talk to her
Hope that she still has the courage to ask for another chance

You tricked me
I’m not blaming you
It’s me
Who fell for you
And let you
Smash my heart
Into pieces
All of this
Was for nothing
I’ll focus on me from now on
Only me
Forever
Me, myself and I
Together forever
By ourselves