I had all of you
Some of you
Then none
I’m haunted by the memory of you
I can feel him slipping through my fingers
Once again I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten attached
Because I’ve given my heart already, he doesn’t know

Does he feel the same way I do?
Am I a fool?
Does he want to see me again?
Do I make his heart race like he does mine?
Why can’t I just know what he’s thinking
I can’t stop thinking about when we were curled together
My head on his chest
I wonder if he felt relaxed
Safe, calm
Loved for the time being
I think he is slipping away
I hope not

Can love fill this void?
That I seem to sink into every Monday
The long weeks ahead of me
Before I just wanted to sleep
Now I want to be with you

I’m wondering if he had as much fun as I did
Did his breath draw in with anticipation
When I touched him
Did his skin cells dance to the sound of his rapid heartbeat
Were his fingers curled as I kissed him
Are his feelings growing
Strong like the path I imagine for us
I wonder if he thinks of me
Every second like I do him
Does he bite his lip and sigh when he thinks about what we did
When we were intertwined
Two loves of a lifetime
I wish I knew what he is thinking about

I think somethings going to happen
I’m not sure what it is
Good, I hope
If it goes badly I know I’ll be sad
But at least I can say it happened
Because what’s real is real
If you can see and hear
I’m ready, break my heart

Hold on
I’m not ready yet
To fall
To fly
I’m not ready to die
Maybe somedays I am
But right now
I’m stuck in the here and now
Not ready to hear how
I’m stuck here

I’d rather starve than eat something without knowing the calories
Count them
One hundred, two, three
Miraculously you’ve found something healthy
Honey, nothing about this is healthy
Mini rice cakes aren’t a meal
You’ve gone so long without eating something real
Watered down excuses, bent over the toilet
Foggy eyes, clear skies but you stay inside
There’s nothing normal about this
No matter how many forums you find
You will always be nothing but the girl who doesn’t eat lunch
You’ll always be the fat girl trying to cut weight
You’ll always be thin fingers and 5 calorie gum
Dropped 20 pounds and still can’t fit into size 12 jeans
Struggling staying in the 160s
You are not a success story
You’re lazy, you’re not doing this the right way
Stop just stop
Because you’re not going anywhere
Stuck on the scale