I am drinking a diet coke and dying
You know that you’re sick when even the stench of food makes you want to gag
And it’s easy now to make other excuses for why you’re not eating, because there not excuses anymore
Food just doesn’t taste like it should anymore, it makes my stomach feel tight and uncomfortable even when I’m eating a small amount
I feel disgusted after I eat a big meal, and sometimes it’s hard to hold back my *****
But now I can’t purge my food because I’ve already destroyed my gag reflex brushing my tongue is a nightmare
I can say that my eating disorder is in the past but it always seems to creep back into my life slowly like an unforgotten ex slipping into my sheets, infecting my brain, making me sick
There's just foods that I can’t stand the sight of anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because of my pills or my eating disorder
I can’t stand most cheeses
Most chocolates
Sweet things in general
Anything dripping with grease makes me want to hurl
When I imagine my “perfect body” I want to be curvy but so thin my ribs show with tall legs and small hips
You can only be either or
You can’t have all
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
I’ve spent time with other people like me, and it made me realize just how sick I am and how sick eating disorders are in general
That’s why I need to write about this and talk about this so maybe one day i can stop feeling like this and make sure no one else decides to do this
Eating disorders are nothing to make light of
Cleaning your ***** out of the bathtub is not what I imagined I’d be doing when I was my goal weight
Along time ago this used to be my goal weight, but I am never done
Eating disorders are a virus infecting your system, a fungus infecting your brain
Collarbones and hip bones are not the only thing that matter
I am drinking diet coke and dying
I used to be so ashamed to talk about it, because when you’re sick it’s embarrassing to talk about it
But you need to talk about so you can get help for it, and make sure that no one else feels like that
Worshipping the way your body feels in a corset you wear under your clothes hands stitched from years of looking in the mirror and hating your body
Fabricated from the lies you told yourself, when you tried to convince the world you weren’t sick
You’re sick and you need to talk about this so no one else feels sick too
I am drinking a diet coke and dying
But I will stop so you don’t have to

Crush my bones into a fine paste
My lips slack and cold with the words I wanted to say but never told
There was a fire once lit, but now it is just just embers and no matter how much I try I can’t help but remember
Back in November when everything was normal and no one knew I had a problem without me having to tell them
I haven’t been angry since my break down and from there everything seemed to spiral down
Instead of being told reasons I have to live for, I’m told how much I am cared for
What happens when they stop caring?
Is that when It’s okay for me to die, I could lie and say I’m better
I had to sugar coat every single letter and I tell them that I’m fine
I’m not scared, I’m not lonely I haven’t stayed awake wondering if I wasn’t alive
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown, I haven’t felt anything unless I’m sad or someone is mad and I’m not, I’m not exactly like my dad
Everyone normally likes me, except when they don’t or when I’m actually being me
But I’m not me right now I’m crazy and everything before that feels so hazy
When I imagined my high school years I thought of daisies
And just maybe, my time is coming
Maybe all I need to do is stop running
I just need to hope
And deal with my problems and cope
But coping isn’t always as easy as it sounds
Especially when everyone seems to want a showdown
I haven’t been angry since my breakdown
I tell everyone I’m just fine
The only thing I do in math is draw straight lines
And remember the time when you were mine, and something belonged to me and I never had to be something I’m not but I always had to pretend
Pretending became part of my life who I am, it became part of my daily routine where I could pretend nothing was exactly what it seemed
Freedom sounds nice, being able to pretend if I want and be alone in the house
But I’m never left alone because I might hurt myself and honestly if given the chance I’d **** myself
And this time I’d make sure I’d get it right
Take so many pills that I’d see the light
I had considered shooting myself in the head
But there would be too much blood to be shed
That’s why I took the pills in the bathtub
Because the pills were a last minute decision, gun or pills?
Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen the gun
But then I think about my mom
Cleaning up my blood and then I am grateful I didn’t choose it
I’m glad I decided to forget it
I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive
but at least I can say I try
To be a good person
I learned my lesson
I changed the lives of everyone around me
And that’s worse than if I was dead

The best way to get over something is to push through
To cope, to know your problem and deal with it
There is no way to “fix a problem” there's no way to bring things the way it used to be
The best thing you can do is push through
It’s not the only way but it’s the best way
It is the only way that you’re going to see yourself in a better way
It’s the only way that people are going to see you on better days
Push through it’s the only thing to do

I once loved you so much it hurt to breathe
Like a catostrophache storm clouding over me
I once loved you like a kitten loves string
I once loved you more than bees love spring
But after awhile seasons change ,and kittens grow up
And now I don’t need anybody to tell me for me to feel loved
I am as loved as moths to light
I am as loved as stars to night
I am loved because I am me
That’s all I ever wanted to see

Don’t look
I wouldn’t want you to see me like this
It’s best that you look away
I want you to remember me
Exactly the way I was
Don’t look now
My face is greying
My hair is fraying
I know I keep on saying
But don’t, don’t look
My eyes are unblinking
My heart is sinking
Please don’t look
You wouldn’t like what you see

If the stars continue to shine
Consider yourself mine
Therefore I love you
If the grass will grow
I’ll  never let you go
Therefore I love you
If you promise never to deceive
It will be my heart that you receive
Therefore I love you
It is your inner and outer beauty witch I behold
I will wrap my arms around you so you never get cold
Therefore I love you
If the sky stays blue
I will always be true
Therefore I love you
If your tears continue to pour
I will be there, for sure
Therefore I love you
And if you shall ever leave my eyes will miss the way you smile at me
And my lips will miss the way your lips fit so perfectly into mine, like a puzzle piece once lost and now found
And my arms will miss the way I held you, and was held by so close
And my heart will miss the way you made it race and pound with affection
If my heart was a glass vase
I bid you not to drop it
For when you do it will shatter, and never will the pieces be whole again
Therefore I love you

Little girls grow up with Disney
And all your life Disney girls have been found by their princes
All your life you have waited for your prince but time and again he has not shown up
Then suddenly, here he is, and he is nothing like you expected
All he wants to do is play video games, ignore you and he never ever shaves
You try to do what Disney princesses do but now it just doesn’t feel like it should but you go through the motions because he is the only one who showed up
Then you meet another Disney girl, except she is nothing like you expected she never waits for what she wants, and she makes you feel like yourself again
You realize that you don’t need to wait for your prince any longer for your princess has been here all along