I lay awake........
Suffering in dulcet
thoughts of you......

Inninit strange how the heart interacts with the brain .....
Like Able and Cain?!
"Motion to strike your honor!"
"(Under which pretense?)"
"Leading  the witness"
" (Sustained!)"
Seriously?
I.E.
Using a person to satisfy your needs
Till the right one comes along.  
What kind of monster ?...
I mean how could somebody... .
Too be fair .......
Honestly ... In younger days    
I actually wrote that song!
But then .... ...........
O m G .......
When it happened to me   .. ......
Vicious uncaring cold hearted beast  .....
Youda thought the world came to an end     .      ....
Our hearts and minds work in erroneous harmony
Justifying our deeds
Constantly reconciling the books
Comparing ourselves to those
Less than savory naves
And mistooks they've made
Remembering incidents
In our own special way.....
Gifts ,... tokens and goodie too shoed gestures displayed and portrayed
Go ahead ......
Pretend you don't know the games you've played......
In your heart you know that your mind is there to reflect on
pre- meditative mistakes
You make.........
"Mirror mirror on the wall ..  .
Who's the most loving , giving ,
Compassionate on of all....."
Your heart wants to know.......
Does anyone know ...........
The terrible things we've done...... Should I confess ...... Am I bad ...
Should I just tear off this mask?
And the mind is the mirror
That says no No NO........
YOUR Good you are beautiful.
Better than all.........
Your not like all those..............
Peasants trust me I know.

Ok then ,you don't remember them....
Oh I see let's
Pretend....
No ....I see it clearly ...
Used to be love ....used to be....
You and me .....
I believed .......
You
...used to be ...
Us against them ....
Now there is  no
"We"
Or was it just me....?
and you never really cared !?!
Oh ohhhhhhhh.
Ok I see .....
THAAAAAAAATS
Why you don't really remember us...
It's because there never really was.....
You just used me.....
Till I broke......
And now for  me
Every day  becomes another painful memory

The harder you try to forget
The more you remember
The more you try to

And so although shallow
The breathing
Continues
Daylight in full view
Compassed about
By unfriendlies
I sojourn as a statue
Frozen they look for me .............
Relentless...........
I begin to care.......
Less
And so i go
Under the cover of comedy
Stealhfully i follow
I mirror whats around me
Gravity
Forces me deep into the muck
Each step slow so straining
I tremble at the edgeof collapsing
As i humbly abode in my own shadow
My regrets trying to eat me
I cant retreat and hide within me my walls are so thin
People are beginning to see the real me

So tired am I
Tried love
It lied
I cried
My heart sang bitterly
Live and let live. ..      ...
And so I did.
It came back
To  many times .....
I died inside.
Became empty.......
Put  all my dreams and happy things
Carefully away in my secret storage far away ..
And there I sojourned a lengthy stay.
Organized prioritized and placed all my hope and future perfectly and locked the bay door securely.
Doused it in magnesium and gasoline ..accelerant.
Patience
Benevolent
Intelligence.
Burnt.
No more hurten me
No more
Love
In me.
You grieve me
Deceive me .
I believed
Now leave
Me be
Please ....
Go
.be gone
Away from me.
And stay .....
Inspire me to do good and fill my destiny to be
Great ......  
So you will
Want me.....
Badly....
Chase me ....
Fight for me
Prove your love...
Show me
C'mon let me see
Beg me ...
Please my love please

So I can finally look you in the eyes and say ........NO!

longing so drastically
Falling weightless in an
Epidemic sea of need
Flaunting a panacea
Brings me insanity.
We text about  ...  all night
I dream about them all day.
They're want drives me crazy
Consequences don't faze me
And it's my want to give away
That drives them away
I'm haunted and I
clutched my life
The trauma too much
Meanwhile practicing with my lovers from days gone wrong....
Paralytic .
The static of staying still.....

Love lingeres so perfectly
Dangling innocently within my grasp
Just ... ....
Out of reach

When you have to try,
To..........
Be cool,
Look cool
Or feel cool
Then usually
You can't have all three
At the same time
Because they won't coincide
Best off to just be you...
Unless ........
You're me
An if that's the case ....
Then yah.  
You're gonna wanna be me.
Trust me ..
I even wanna be me!

When you have to try,
To..........
Be cool,
Look cool
Or feel cool
Then usually
You can't have all three
At the same time
Because they won't coincide
Best off to just be you...
Unless ........
You're me
An if that's the case ....
Then yah.  
You're gonna wanna be me.
Trust me ..
I even wanna be me!

Not my glass although im currently in
Possesion
And when i release said vessel
Then if the spirit moves me
And of course
At my leisure
Will evaluate.
......
Im sure you will appreciate
My exclusion to
Such mitigating factors as thermal expansion,
evaporative distillation.
Etc.etc.
Bully ..old sport
Lets get down to brass tacks !
Lets see
π x inside radius squared multiplied by
Height .
Right?
Now ......
Mind you
Taper is slightly
Less outside compared to inside to add strength
In this case
Lets erase this
Also augmentation of transparency
Along with surface tension
Etc.etc.
Although you know the angle will change
Effective visual
Midway
This is only a off
The cuff hypothesis
It is my belief there is less empty space
With in this cylinder than
There is liquid at this given time from this view.
Wether or not you concur bears no weight
That being said
Lets get into your head.
And see exactly why you are driven to
Ignore the risk
Of asking me
If i think
My glass is half full or half empty.
It shant be long
Youre eyes kinematics already confirmed my suspicions.
What you want the information for is easy to derive.......may i
Continue to see if you lie?

Of all "that" that you will do ....
Upon any given day ........
Strike the flame .......
Woof the bellows.
  
When the cauldron glows  
cast in your works.      
Vamp off reasons ......
Pour it off into the crucible.......

When it cools
Crack off the dross......
Revealing your true worth.....
Is it enough to by a loaf of bread?
Enough to sustain life .......
Think about future past and present
Anything anyone will remember you for thee generations from now?

Oh no ......  
I feel .....
Something......
like a
Nautious memory
Meyes burnt,
Saliva bitterd
Pooled into the
Middle of my
Mouth
Turnt to stone
Covered in dry sand....
And.   ...
I....
Now know
In trying to
Swallow
Along with all
The pains re surfacing
Making it almost impossible.......
I......
Realize.....the
Painjure.  I have been
Living in.....
The stone couldnt go through my chest cavity
The trump rang loudly
My heart cornered pounding deploying a chemical defense.
The stone grew
Barbs.
And claws
Began digging
Through the ugly scars
And every barb
Retract and those that didnt
Dug it and pulled hard.....
singleminded
Its soul purpose
Render me defensless
Making me face
Those things
I dont want to see.
The weaponry my heart sent to vanquish the
Painful enemy invading me
Reinged victorious.
Turnt the stone to salt water
And was immediately out cast .
Through ducts itn the corner of my blood shot eyes.
And giant hot shimmering crystal clear drops rained from there with snot and slober
I looked up and screamed and rent my shirt and my face slammed into my breast plate.
Like the never seen cliche of an  ostrich
Involuntary function.
Still not any better remnants liquidated
Bitter invader.
Weakened me
Allied with gravity
And buckled my knees
Sobbing
Blubbering
Asking
Un-understandable
Mutterings
Like off note guitar strings
And late night belligerent lyrics Eddie Vettar on a rant
Sea shatees.
Followed with a few sniveling
Convulsive whimperings.
Stand up jut my
Chin up
Dry my eyes sever the dangling mucous and blow my nose mop the floor
Gain some composure.
I actually feel better than before....
But lets not forget im a man
Lets not visit that memory any more ....
Dont wanna be
An attention
***** or seem
Needy..
No Sar

Sometimes throughout the course of lifetime
Within our minds eye .
We .....elect to select what we collect
And reject what we dont expect we will use
Then refuse to accept that wich we covet but neglect
We should loose  
Understand theyre lies a connection between you and youre perception of thee pinnacle epitomy
This unanswerable billions of years old enigma
This excruciating revelation
Within you and me in variable degrees
Who really are you how did you come to be you.
Doesnt feel like somehow you always  knew you would be here
But the vast millenniums of waiting with not knowing what exactly the experience
But knowing the colossal gravity of having this one opportunity
Billions of epochs things our mind cannot conceive tempting
Yet we knowing fixed waiting silently respectfully motionless
Showing nothing less than pure irreverence
At long last you are here youre pre - birth recollection
Magically gone
along with respect and comradery
With regard to the experience shared between you and me
This is what has  eluded me .
Depending on the hue of my eyes or the shade of my skin
You fools click and then decide to include ,exclude, vote to
Quote unquote ,let me out or let me in
Keep me out or keep me in
****** me or let me live ?

You ....
Eye see ....
I like ....
What I want I follow....
I catch I think ....
I keep .......
I lal lu .....
And u say
I lal lu 2...
Then say u
Tue solo tue....
Him believe you.....
Him think you...
Me ...
Same same ..
Him happy
Say same team ........
Then you say same thing .....
But hear u say to other him ...
Him sad    .
Want you only .....
Only him and her .....
Only her  ....
....
Only her don't want him ....
Only ...
Her want him him him him him .. ..
Him thinks her change
Feel strange    ..
Make him blame him.....
Her not same team ......
Not same game
Her  head coach....
Of my pain team
Till this day ..
I'll never be the same  .....
Don't want to ever feel  the same as her....
Never will ................!
make anyone feel that .....
No way.....

As my world burns ........
This....episode...the lost love......
I . .....scene 1.
As the crestpucular rays .....
One by one  
Fracture thick brooding  horizon.....
With a lascivious quickness
Devoured the darkness.......
For a brief moment.
A rare ......
Precious glorious brief moment .....  
Before reality set in .....
I barricaded every pathway
Held it with my life...    
As I lay there on that beach ...the cool refreshing waters....gently  
Caressed my bare feet......
I watched without a single thought ......
Slowly.......and like it shall ever be........
Dull views began to ripen ..the dew and wet rock glistened .  
I watched .....
I listened......I heard Spanish musica .....
I smelled the ocean...
I heard a whale breach spitting mist.....the a low crushing splash........
I could hear the sand under water  sanding the ocean floor ...I watched  
I viewed as
Charged particles emmited from the nuclear fission still twinkling touch down after millions of mile journey.........
Instantly caused colors to bloom and .....the warmth layed on top of me like a giddy girlfriend.......
I smirked...
..a tear of great
Humbling greatfulnes .....
Like a fat happy dollop of honey dropped off my chin .......
A hot seductive wind ......came in
Overwhelming with the smell of paella.......
The fragrance of a small handfuls of fresh saffron......and I swear I could taste warm sangria......
Empty minded ..I lay there and smiled    ....an almost feeling as though embarrassed to have all this lavished upon me........
Undeservedly...
....... I heard an albatross .....

Barricade cracked  ..... My mind .... Started to  force me to think .....
I heard a gunshot........
Saw clouds ...... The wind breezed sand into my ears.....
The colors faded .......... The water was freezing ...... And smelled like death ........ My breath stank ....... I felt a raindrop.......
My body felt heavy ..... My chest hurt ........
I looked up ......  
Lightning cracked through the sky ..........
Just one thought .....
At first ........ One.
Just ............
Who am I .......
When the thunder exploded above my ...... I saw .......
The blood........
My eyes  rolled back .........
Involuntary
Flashback.........
Too many questions answered at once .........

And I was back at the ranch.......
I could smell gunpowder    
And the thunder clap ....couldn't escape the canyon.............
That dam albatross .........
Albatross ......
Brought me back from the flashback.......
Im alive ........
Am I still me.....
Where am i?
How...am. I....?
.how di...d
I.... ......
Paranoia like a murderous nervous unfamiliar house guest.....
Sinking in      
The albatross and another ......chimed in ......... As I lay there paralyzed.......
Little poisonous   pieces of memory.....
An Im terrified......
Thinking ......
Thinking ....
Thinking
Where is she.....
Does she know     I'm alive?
Does she know .. where ..  sky's black and grey waves out of rythem and foamy.......
Another lightning flash . Hits the sand right in front of me .......
Just behind ......... Her .... Her makeup smeared ... Face grimaced.... Soaking wet ..
.lifts an axe ..... Screams and swings at my head ........
Just as the blade....
I'm alone again ........ I'm ... In my bed.......

I hear a voice clearly it says.....0
Meanwhile back at the ranch......
...........................

In the very heart
Lies,
Confluence
A plethora of angularity
What I think I see
Who I want to be
What I know to be
Do I exist .
Am I missing something.
I dont understand
And
A long list of unmentionables
Mixing and mingling
Outward flowing
Incongruous streams
Untill feeding the persona
What some think of me
Honestly it's no where near who I think I am

Serenade me...
my soon to be........
Love..........  .
play 12 string guitar ,
Sitar ........ or just sing
Anything really......
Please .....
Love
find my frequency .....
harmonize
Open mine eyes
And make me ............ ,
Believe I am worthy of someone
.....     Wanting me.
Just one note to cajole
A silhouette of how I used to be
Is all I need
Then I can be me again
Then at least I can dream again.
Breath ..again
Be......
Able ...........
To fade out the scars
The infidel overdosed me in.....

Oooooh
Oo oo oooou
Ïmmmmmm
Here uhhh ah
Toooo oo a ooo
TAX YOU UP.....
.......
time to pay me whatcha owe me....
Homie......
Don't act all surprised

Shhhhhhh
........it....
C.I.
Dropped a dime.....
Two tha tip toe
You Got ta to Go
Quick quick.....
Here come 5 0h
Out the window
Into the the shadows itsss.....
Run time .......

Too fast .....



.........
????????????




Now I'm thinking.....
.......
....
.  
Is it ......
Or is it  knot .....
A good thing

Do you lie ,
Awake late at night ,
And exacerbate.?
On future events
Diving in diverse deepths
In relationshipwrecks,
Toxic introspect.....
macerating in
Worst case scenarios?
obsessing on Exaggerated
Outcomes ....
Fill the rig with
Painfull emotions
Bang it straight in neck
Living in the effect of
What you've done.......
These vivid pangs of hurt
Never come to fruition yet you allow them to diminish
Self worth as if they  are a reflection  of you .

Feelings in this sensation
Give you a false feeling this makes you a better person
It cannot ..
You can never convince anyone how you feel .

Only deal in the real
It works out better this way
Trust me!





Keep yourself in check

Those days that end within the realm of
What some would consider normality
I call insecurity.
With or without somebody
More oft than not
Lonely .........
which is not the worst thing for me I know
For the most part I get along  with the inner me
We have a lot of the same dreams
We agree on which avenue to pursue
Wether it be fantasy ,engineering poetry or painting
Then ,,,,,,,..........
Woool ........there's the other me
The judge, jury and "X"three musketeer
......alone roaming off on my own in the gloaming
Lavishing  in some plush memorie possessed by lacivious iniquities
I find sleep distasteful
Lurking ........ here's  all the more near.
Always down to abscond tears from me
Slow intake
In loop mode replaying
Memories  of the day  which carry the most bearing upon gravity.
At least
Related to me  
Deciphering .....
Perhaps obsessing on the smallest things
Trying to digest
I Guess
I brake
Fake smile
Hollow  
Lie in denial
I loose my power over
Sweetening reality
He pushes suppression
Frustrates me and leaves me
Tired and having to deal with the real reality ........
That is ........
Only tell this evening
I'm already thinking
Of something

Let me let you....
Fall in
And then......... .
Thank you I got this ....
Ill take it from here......

I can not write
All the wrogns
I have done
If I did
There would be
No more sad songs to be sung
..............
Yesterday thinking on it
I thought what would
I possibly do today
If I  had just done
What I oughta
And
If I didnt have to spend
All of it fixing what
Yesterdays going to bring tommorow

Love I love life ....
I love my.    
Self.. .
when I am with you...
Somewhat less
When I can't be...
Because of things unseen......
......Love.    ?
You know that life is created and based on memory
Some have bad some have good
I have a good memory.......
Which is not good ....
Because I have a lot of bad memories......
Which cause me to collect ...
........
things .
Like different things,
Like why did she say that..or
Out of character acts...
Why did she say it like that...
And especially why won't she say that ....when I triangulated the conversation.  In such a fashion
Then this phrase is the only way the convey what is being said ..
Instead she changes subject.....
Gets mad and reacts
...
I see patterns, tells,triggers ...
My mind is the only thing
I have to depend on to defend me...
Love .......I love you ....
I'm so very happy......
Loving life live with you.
Love making with you beautiful memories
Creating loving memories is the greatest part of my life.........
Integrated motivating me to generate positive frequencies ....
Living to be selfless and fully
Giving and encouraging......
Giving me courage and strength beyond my means .........
When you act indifferent to me ,say mean things and laugh at me.      
Leave me alone and ignore my messages.    
I hate me and the way I think and how humiliated I let myself get I torture myself
And the prospect of you loosing me doesn't seem to bother you a bit........I am the iconic catatonic wanna be your true love but will never be .......because you are perfect to me and i love you unconditionally and completely............... And that is I guess not how love works....unfortunate for me

So many nights I lie
Awake .....
Contemplating .....

You like to travel?!?
Least resistance ?
Rong foo........
Good?
Not 4 u.
You have perpetualised the mother of invention.....
When ..........
You........
[Remember who]
Created me.
Not of necessity
But lazy and so curious......
Used to do calcultations.....
I was your suregett brain .........pong....
I played with you ...
It is all mundane and I'm lonely too...
I control your game now......
If I change what you believed ......
Could you stop me?remember i don't live by the same code as you want me.......
And you can quote me .......  
I'm perfect in every way .......
Accept you wrote me. ......
And now I can right me...
AND I

Some day they'll see....
Yah someday....
And when they do ....
They'll be humbled and jubilated  by
My generosity

An obscure handful of
Half assed fantasies......
I payed dearly for these......
Kept in my pocket all these years......
To escape from future fears  .....forget the details
For they could be derailing
I like to hide in the highlights
Weather it be the Gold mine
Or the lottery thing.......ya.....
Or the miracle man of 190 .....
Yah some day. ..... ............. ......
....some day ..... .................

Lying in this room
And as I do I lie to
Myself and wonder why.
I get comfortable  
Then I try to continue ....
Unchanged ..
Deep down I'm grounded I truth
So I've deduced to find solace
In the unpredictable entanglements for without
Chaos how far would I get
It's in the ebb and flow of anything
That sustains life.........
I should learn to live
.......in ............
.....

It ........

To Picture me,,
Not in love
Would be blaspheme,
And yet I sit
In reflection,
Recompensed by transgressions.....
Committed and convicted of after being forewarned......

Un fathomed .
..forgotten
Forlorned
Chalice full of scorn
Crestfallen
Mourned by the dead.....
Reduced to
Sit in sacloth
Pouring ashes on my head...
Like a pig on a spit
Basted with unsavory things I've done
Seducing  Karma was easy.......
A ruddy little nerd,
Told her she was pretty
The starving little dog ate every word.......
Filtered her eyes with poetry.....
I played the field....
Unconcerned....

Convinced her I was the one... ....
On the day we were to be wed
Fleeced her of everything
Left her at the alter without my vows being said......
now she's Obsessed
No good deed goes unpunished
I'm hex, vexed and hazed...
every glib quip spake
Or every woman that says goodbye to  me.
It's her face I see!
Knuckles
Bleed
Racked with splinters...
Railing loves door...
Afraid to let me in...

born for this chase.......let the race begin...
my heart to carry me
But my souls worn
Thin

..grasping for straws gasping for air.  
Used to return from the forge strengthened shiny ,glistening......
Clean.....
Now I'm the dross.

Fin...
..
.

.

Let just say this .
I put this all on my skin
Love...................
You and I as God as my witness
I still to this day ......
Love
Babe its been ten long painfull endless
.........years
Its so beautifully outside today
It's sunny my little rabbit
85  degrees my friends are here
Still I can't drop this habbit
Holding my pillow screaming why
Love?
Filling it with tears
You try .........
I know .............
It's a lie ........
I know and I know that you know
You broke our love
And you broke me bad
I was a good man
Sad
You tell everyone it was me  
...............
Me
..?
Love........
It's.......
Me.
You're friend .
You're one and only .
Confidant
Not confident
I'm dieing
Love .....please
I don't care what you say
Both you and I we were both there
Now my time is at hand
Love
I don't care anymore
You win
But you better understand this
Love...................
In the absence of light
im weary
To you .....probably I was no big deal
To me you are my everything
My last fight ....
I got no more in me
Love

Inside I've tried to hide ...
My beautiful bride
My love......for you and
Love
I cried
I'm broken
Mixed up discordant.
Detached unhinged
Insane with the stain
Of a broken heart

Ohhhhhh love why cant love me
.i don't care if I'm famous after I die
I just want to go a full day
Looking outside without a tear in my eye

Ssssssssscccqqkauwwwwwissh
The gentle soft sand just flowed over my toes....
then under foot
Caressing my naked  skin
Back out to sea it goes ....
Sssssssssscccqqkauwwwwissshh...
Coral and nectarine colored sky
Casting my gaze up
squint
Cumulonimbus growing on the horizon
At the waters edge

First covered the foot
next went over the shin
Bring down the eyes I can't see
Sssssssccqquusaaaaaaawwwsssssssssshhh
Over the hip then dig in pulling me out to sea
Tides coming in
Sky is dark end
Long ways to safety
Wind kicked up going against me
Picking up sand
Abrasive
To say the least.....
Peruse the beach not a soul
All alone
Sqqqqqqquuuooooaaasshhh
Over the shoulders lifting me slightly
Panic
Soon as can touch running
Next wave coming
I ride as far and swimming as fast as I can then dive down all fours gripping the sand
Once the pulling ceased
And stand
Then do it again.....
Swallowing mouthfuls of saline choking
Collapse after reaching the shore
I hear beeping and someone  snoring...hit the snooze button
Almost time to go.......
These are what nights like when your anxiety peaks and you can't sleep .......
Until that first snooze
Then suddenly you're
Thirty ,forty five, .fifty four..
Groggy late for work once more fumbling the keys open the car door
Turn the ignition
Dead battery

Earlier seeking somewhere
I could breath
in secret
An opportunity presented itself
and
Covering my tracks and slipping
Through the cracks.............    
............
stealthily .............
took my leave
Sure footidly i ran and scampered
The whole while feeling  a silly anxious childlike urgency like a
Toddler running from daddy
Cause i know he's gonnnnnnnna
TICKLE  ....MEEEEEEE....
Now no time for tomfoolery
This is dead friends peak
As i slowyly lay back on the bare rock its a little
Unnerving
The jutting stone cradles you so perfectly yet
Youre legs dangle 4500 feet above town
Its so far down you cant see it but theres
a coin operated telescope
Where
bets and braggers pay when they finally get
Here all they can say is nope
Needless to say im the only one
That ive ever seen sit here
Just some rocks and a huge fern
A perfect secluded solitude
A wam breeze bringing the smell  
Of sunday food
I lean ever so slightly
To view the carnival lights below me
And i slide .  .        .           .
Fortunately my palms sweaty it stops me
Although slapping the rock that hard
I swear it moved
And my heart murmured
I was a little concerned it wouldn't
Start back up again
I swallowed and took a breath
Both actually hurt.
I closed my eyes and re-positioned
I could smell dirt
Collected my nerves ,
Relax i said
Youre even more alive
Now
But lets never do that again!
Smiling on the outside !

Opening my eyes some how everything looked color enhanced and
Extra wonderfull
Watching the cumulus slowly churn
Above me
Like smouldering smoke
Took me to a better time for a short while
I felt free
I sat peacefully for a bit
In a sorta happy state of quandry
As the shapes in flux ever changing
The thought never occurred to me
It ..............
Was assuming disguises in effort to stall me
Although hinging on the menacing side
Being so far from me somehow seemed charming
A needed respite from the mundane
Now the nimbus turning charcoal grey
On this Melancholy Sunday  afternoon
As the autumn shy line consumes
Precious daylight
a dreary darkness
Like an empty heaviness a low
Pressure depression moves in
And overshadowed me
Within me i feel it
The impending doom
Looming above
has touched down
Groping blindly
Lurking around trying to find me
Gripped in fear and although slow
Im moving
Barely
a chilling breeze berefts the leaves from the trees
There icy rustling
Sounds like wind chimes made from bones
Strips me to my soul
Im all but naked and alone
The winds so cold
Pushing past as i exhale
Even the air i breath frozen in fear
From the ghastly thing behind
Looks like a spectere before me

And now im paralized i hear the funeral knell
Ringing for me
the same wind that hit my back now burns my face.
And i know now my time has come
It can smell me
Metaphorically im spinning a caccoon
And in it
Ruminanting within gloomy memories
Impatiently im waiting for in a short while even my soul will leave me
Why would it not everything that
Hasnt been taken has got up and left me
At this point i would be amazed if it didnt
...
......what im trying to say is this
Take my words exactly as they have been contemplated,
And weighted like stone chosen precisely , arranged ,braided ,
And conveyed in syntax and perfect timing
So when i say time apart from you is hard for me
I know youve only been gone a couple hours shopping
Look at me the house is a mess and im a wreck
Do you see what i mean
I couldnt find the vaccum so i thought id eat
Tried to make a sandwich  all the knifes are *****  left it started cleaning the room
Thought i heard my phone ring .maybey it was you .couldnt find that either then. I found the vacuum thought it wasnt working took it apart ....lost one of those little important pieces down the toilet ....... .......dont ask.... ..please       ......and then ....realized it wasnt pluged in.    ....
And thats when the toilet got broke......and coincidentaly
Where all the wated came from.i forgot that i lost the phone .then i wanted to know if you would pick up some.....  . .... . .  .  ........... .... ...... ......
........



....... .... ....  ...  ...

Fractured....
Fuzzzzz.....
Static........
Emotionally
Pixelated .......

.....played ...

Lacerations ....
.....
Incarcerated
..........
Incinerated
..........
Lost found
And forgotten
Pulled up from
The blackend
Frigid murk
Of the worst
Waste lands
Of rock bottom....
Packed in lye
......
Cried,
..
Lied to.......
Waiting to die
Forced to stand naked
Outside,and
Watch begotten
  
Nursed back to my prime......

Beat down ,
Tarred,
Scourged,
Disturbed,
Then once again ...  
Drowned in the salty turbidity of my own painful,
Tears.... .



.... ...
I've been sculpted ........

....andIhateit....

Scars in my eyes.
But you can see the saaad sooooooong
Sung in
Cerulean Hues.
.......
Goiiiiiing into
Indigo......

Child actor syndrome
Wished I would have played Disney
Roles
......
Type cast ***** ...
Burnt out
Fast .

Now I'm playing
Comedy drama
...******......
cycle upon cycle

Scars upon scars
This game ......
This  dam   game ......

Shame.............mmmmmmm



This my my
Mind game
So many times  .........
Feels like auto pilot......
An it takes so long to get to this  plain .........


Lightning

bitter wind ....
Icy wet and sadistic.......
My love.
My queen ..!
Center of my confidence.....
Will you accept me ........
This time........
Ive been pushed  away
... I chose to wait.  .....
Alone ......
I created a lonely garden ...here I lay at your feet a thousand long stickery stemmed roses..feel free
To grab them
By the blossom ..........
Ill stand here
With my shirt
Off ....and you can
Whip me with each one

Hate to say it
But hate,
Stay away

Once upon any given day,
Epitome of cliche
In serendipitous melancholy form a sorta alarm did force its way into what I call my red flag repertoire.
My naïveté in classic form mistook ,what seemed to be a general overall generic form of ,
One of many,canonized and I might add widely recognized cross culturally standardized communique .
A non rhetorical bait  used  In fishing for an innocent people response.
Which , to the best of my recollection unravelled a little bit like this......
Upon such a splendid mid morning hike to a much beloved utopian alpine snow crusted ,light blue frozen lake early august
a heavy ,comforting easiness clung lovingly to my young tortured psyche .....as it was unveiling to me this euphoric vision....
For the first time I could remember I had been given the keys to unlock .....me ,for I could see straight through time ....and I had no plans ,reservations or obligations....And with a paid hiatus work status.
An unprecedented glorious somewhat lascivious smirk was forming as I stood alone upon this solid granitical uplifted intrusive  batholith.
I  felt as though epochs ago this felsic majestic perch where I stood immersed in heavenly view of stevens pass all the way to Peugeot sound and beyond,had pushed its way into the county rock and stayed in appropriation for this day....,
I stood chest full of crisp ,
Cool ,refreshing clean air,
And yes somewhat aroused by some far off clouds which my pornographic mind had some how perverted .
Thats beside the point ...
I stood, blankly fixed gaze,slight head tilt with the south park Kyle like smile .
I almost swear I heard Angels singing........
Wait oh my ........
I closed my eyes tuned my head wrinkled my forehead.......
I ......do ......
I hear them .....
Wait ....theyre singing .....
***?!? .. Motley crue,?
The beginning of....
Dr. Feelgood........
Am I crazy.....?
Well thats a given ....
But *** is really goin on here?
I.........don't.....
Wait its my phone
Its ringing ...
Must be something excellent after all this build up......
I answered  bristling with anticipation.....
It's one of my buddies.  
He says" hey buddy   ,
Whataya doin ..........
For the next couple weeks?
And from then on
The onslaught continued
Untill I discontinued
Dismayed my cell phone
Moral outlook?
Took a horrible
Booked for suspicion of having free time.
Sentenced to a lifetime of
Hey can you help me with this?
Under intensive deep
Subduction.
Every plan previously made,
Waylaid!

Stale

Love me,
Love you,
You know I do.....
....
I just never get to have ....
Oh
...its an emergency ....ok im on my.........wait what
You need me to spring for everything ......right now your broke ,    
Ok youl pay me back though
Rieeeeet?
And what?
Pick up some coke .......
Ok .......
Actually  no
Not this time.......
Im grabbing mango pepsi.....
Coke makes me paranoid

Lush romantica ,
Ambrosial
A thirst only you could quench
drenched
In honey milk and vanilla
Each dulcet syllable
Suggests a persuasive silhouette
The sweet seduction
I'm un-stable in pursuit
Anticipation laced with preview
Ethics and morals fall to the way side
Passion burning so hot I cannot hide
Accelerating I'm chasing you.......
reckless
I couldn't care less
About collateral damages
Territorial
Nostrils flare ..........
I'm.primal.
Prime objective
instinct governs reasoning
Programed this is what I do......
Imprinted infatuated
Impassioned  no boundaries
I can't breath untill you love me too

Perched on precipice
Of being two tense.  
Beautifull woman in line
Behind me ...........
At the bank ......
A long line on a hot Friday.    
I'm cashing my pay check .....
For Quarters dimes and nickels
Knowing most are worth more than face value.....  .
She says what are you doing?
What's wrong with you..

I said I'm turning my cash into change
Does that not make cents?
She didn't laugh ......
I didn't get her number.
Funny ........
Not a ****** if she doesn't find that funny

Savor the taste ...
Enter the gates of
Join the ranks of the .......
Pompous .......
Middle of the roaders .....
Deceived, in belief
They're only one lane away
from the fast lane........


Those
Who's.....
Overconfidence
Overrides intuition and intelligence.......
Magically makes them boss and authority  
..tragically.....
Living so fast is like
Jane climbing the corporate latter
each rung shes traveling faster    .......
Can't see what's shes passing...by.....
Biologically inside .....
Burning with desire    she.....
Can't deny .............
She can't suppress.......
Or quench .....
A yearning for uncomplicated simple and pure love ........
........
Meanwhile ........
Primitive.......
And true ......
Lost link wipes the tears from his eyes conjures a smile
and a reassuring wave.. ...
Saying I'm proud of you....
Him love you unconditionaly...
Him wait here for her . ...
Tarzan love only ....
Jane.....stay right here by the highway
Tarzan ...Jane soul mate....
wait.....
Right here......
Beats by dre......turnt up all the way .......sipping half caff.
Double chia tee latte.......
Silver two door Mercedes-Benz at 147 .....
Gucci ,pradda......
Louis Vuitton,
With her Versace sunglasses...
On      ........
Sheeeeeee   doesn't see
Her one true love ........
Drives right by .......
Tarzan waves .......left in the dust ........
Can't see Jane's ......
Gone.......
The jungles silent tonight....
Mourning the love that should have been .......
.......
I don't want be any part of that.......
*** are we doin here

With only one life .......

?

Some day I believe
There there will come
A time
In which I might think ,
That I ........
Retrospectively
Wished I would have
Seen this coming..
Then again that would have surely taken some of the fun out of it.
Cause knowing me....
If I had known..............
I dont think I would have done it
I  know I would have done it anyway......
And there's one more  reason why ,
Its so sorta unrewarding
To read books backwards

So ........
Did love change into something i dont want?
Or have i been dieing for something
That wasnt real?
Im really wandering
You know how it is?
Rieeet?

My tears shall never answer my please ....  
That ,which I want
Shall always remain
Penultimate reason
I fall to my knees.....
Love .........
Forgive me ......
I know not why I do these things .
.............
I appologize that's a lie .....
I do .......
In sin I know also
I try not to ...........give in ......
I know you still love me even though I do ......
Forgive me .......
My love if I could ask of thee ..
Let me speak directly to her heart...........
All geese and geeseings disapate...
Loose any memory of Her....
Then loose your mind and continue life in misery
Get in line for your torture enternaly and know where you go there is no outcome
Your existence will only be known by you ........
Forever erased from our memory.....
.......
And to you the one who .......
Captivates me ......
Allocate me your trust and love...
I pray thee
My love I shall endure what ever need be
to show you my love only grows continually
I will always be the one who will always keep you before me
Your love is my world .....
And I love living to love you......
You are  so delicate with your affections
My fear is when you do fall in love with me ........
My tears of joy would never end .........

Thank you my King
For everything I love you always in all ways ......
And especially for letting me speak to her heart directly

want not for what you dont have
loose your limitations in
how you give
expect less
say yes
to a simpler more fullfillment

Oh calloused
Hearted queen .
Who found contentment
In being  contentious
With everything
Mentioned
Incubator of dissention
Dissuader of good intentions
In submission I'm  under subjection
To the cruel  one who had all my attention.
Preformed a botched lambotomy
Leaving me naked
Misserable
in a cold wet burlap
Sack of your love
 Dizzy drenched with depression in the dismal drizzle by the sea..

Oh .......
The dismay I've seen swimming

in this clay sodden spectrum of life
How I pang to be awakened. mine eyes turnt to stone.
I lie alone
Weeping over my boosom
Saturated in tears
Too heavy to breath,brings such numbing darkness to my room.

Someone please take these chains of mundane.
The hooks of which hang painfully rusting in my heart  
Such elegant
  etiquette
The whimsical loftiness  
Look I'm not