Do you lie ,
Awake late at night ,
And exacerbate.?
On future events
Diving in diverse deepths
In relationshipwrecks,
Toxic introspect.....
macerating in
Worst case scenarios?
obsessing on Exaggerated
Outcomes ....
Fill the rig with
Painfull emotions
Bang it straight in neck
Living in the effect of
What you've done.......
These vivid pangs of hurt
Never come to fruition yet you allow them to diminish
Self worth as if they  are a reflection  of you .

Feelings in this sensation
Give you a false feeling this makes you a better person
It cannot ..
You can never convince anyone how you feel .

Only deal in the real
It works out better this way
Trust me!





Keep yourself in check

Idle hands too many demands
Young american
Green . ...
Experiencing too many things
Confusing
Pride....hurt
During .....
Influential times
at the confluence of life
Difficult to comply .
Hold it inside .
No
let no one
See you cry.
Peers pressure
Peers pry
Blue skies
No console
Young american
No goals
Cries alone .....
Leaves home
Environment all
Conditioning
Mentally
Monkey see monkey
Chastised
Monkey confused ask why.
Shuned . .
Sinking back stunned
Backed like a ferril cat
Back to the wall
Age....hypercritical ,
Volatile,
Monkey see hypocrite
Monkey no like
Heard follow me.
Now don't do what I do
Do as I say.......
Monkey does both
Learns machiavellian ways..
Stays young
Has fun
Has problems
Says he ha ha has
None......
Monkey gets shot......
By
Cupid .....
Has daughter and son....
No change
Young american......
Monkey
Mom and Dad gone.
What will monkey
Teach
Young american
Monkey
Legacy
Strong
What's wrong
No like my
Monkey song?
Sorry
I do what I like.
Ryde or die.......
Yuh.
Adios .....
........
*******.

If you think your paranoid ....
You probably are......

Call me if you don't get this message
K.
Ps
not a rhetorical k!
K?

K?0

Freshly bereft of his final things
Trinkets which he had personally stitched
A little to tightly
to the tender part of innocent
Confused heart
and now .............like an aluminum bat
On a frigid day miles away from anything he knew
On the cusp of darkness and noway
To get back home
The pinch hitter slips in out of a shadow
Grinning evil to elbow and lets go wit a peach i tells ya
Oooh Charlie .......he got all of that one!
Man you aint kidden Mr Brown thats a grand slam......right to the back of his knees .
Involuntary functioning like a pythons squeeze expelled more breath
Than his lungs could ever hope to hold
The walls of which are sticky
Pressed to firmly are stuck ..........
He feels even more pathetic than he looks ..........all alone.     And its cold
I know its already been implied  silly
Im just tryin to drive that point home
Kneeling .........clothes way to big
Not wanting to come to terms with
His new lable
a vagabond all his good intentions
Vaporised in an instant
The wells of his eyes jutted out like
Soft red burlap sacks full of dark salty depths of painfull mystery ..............mouth open in wonderment face blueish red
veins bulging
Still unable to pull in any breath
Someone has broken the glass
And done the unthinkable
Flipped the ****** off switch labeled
Dont ever flip this ******* switch please
Yes a true maverick .......tragic ideology
Thinks hes hip but poor old chum
Not.......quite ....quick enough witt
And saddly enough thinks he knows it
And manges to mangle that into his way of thinking as a sort of keep himself from being taking advantage of..........problem is it still happpens only he doesnt see it as a problem .....
Cause he gives it away knowing...ly
They still laugh as they walk away with his money and steal his things
They carry heavy backpacks full of his
Dignity.
As he sits alone lieing to himself saying
"Someday theyll look back and say the grrrreatest things about me"
In the grand scheme of things
If nothing else ill be the one stable constant maybe somehow that will help them
What he doesnt know.....is that
When this cold day comes. Broke and broken .in dire need .
All these things haunting him
Feeling like a foolish tool
...............
That Donny Darko Day right before he frolicked away and swam in the lagoon of delirium.
He stepped into the kennel with his two massive dogs
Cut the chains and let the epic battle begin.
This time its to the death ......
And hes wanting the black one to win
Metaphorically  speaking
We all have two dogs within.
It what we use to get what we need
It represents who you are .
Because the dominate dog in you is the one that you feed.

That thought brought to you by our sponsor .
Who would like to remain anonymous.
Now lets get back to our story.
Already in progress.  

Shhhhhhh
Oh. Ok sorry.
Lets watch shall we?
Sshhhhhh
ill equipped to handle
The ferocity of deep disdain raging like a glowing vermillion crucible
Full of all the years riddicule
Going all the way back to school hood
Days and the hazing all the way through his marriage
His wife he pulled out of the ghetto
Like plucking the only ***** flower out of a prison yard
Adored her
put on a pedestal
His countenance fell
The day the laughter came from her lips this was his first glimpse into hell
They all try to tell him she was an infidel
He tried to forgive and forget
Till death do us part
My friend I love you
Ill be here to pick you up when you fall
.........
And for this he received a Judass kiss and his first dagger to his heart
Her response.............
I dont respect you because you took me back.
That was the day that **** Jagger slipped into his mind through the crack in his psyche
I thought i had a good life
I dont know how to *** it bayack
My whole world a night mare
and now I cant turn bayaaak ........
If i look back hard enough into the settin suuyun
My...............well you *** the gist rieeet?
He was the golden child trained to be a lover it was her that helped him
Discover ........ . .
To this dog eat dog world
He was an oddity.
A rarity .more than a novelty
More like a real commodity
Could be said a gem of considerable quality .
Clearly a priceless delicacy
For us to devour.
Lets feed.
Finnally his lung cavity began to spazam and as the air rushed in it ripped cold through the reeds in his vocal cords resonating so painfully
In convulsive loud  squelching yelps like that of a ******* sea lion beaten with a stick.
His pupils for a second went chatoyant
Then the whole eye went black
With a long blink ...... .
Curiosly a confident smirk emerged his cover washed away
And he rememberd what he was
Chuckling at his present circumstance.
That is only for a minute
quickly it became a sickning laughter
Maniacal and diabolical.
And you know what hes gonna do
Its the big pay back *******
Hes singing .a biker stolls into his path
He rips the jacket off his back throws his hands out and yells
*** punk .....
Saunters off like John wayne into the mist.
Tune in next week to frightening  conclusion of my unamusing debut
Called im not over the coocoo's nest im in it and i ate the cookoo
What?
Is that so rong
....i just love spelling that word rong

Am I ?
Thinking
Simulation?
Living in avatar
Emulating
Simulation I'm in?
Who am me
Why am
Me.......
How am
Me?
Wherfore came to be me
What can I glean

What can I take with me

Am I

I mean
Will I still
Be... ...
Me.

Ooooh the tall grass
Whips my face and Pinkens my skin
When the wispy wind sets in.
Stingingly ,leaves paper cuts
Instantly irritates  the skin
salty tears and sweat seeping in..........
Spatial light quickly consumed by dark brooding gloom......
Splatter of rain patter ........
Lightning flash cracks
Slithers like snakes across
the nights sky,
An eerie hussh of silence
Broken by a primal
Crushing thunder
Bellicose  baritone
Crossing eyes .....
Rattling bones.  ..
And the tears come back .. ..
With the wind    ....
The blades of grass .... .
I wale alone ......
You said " I do "
You didn't mean it ....
Not the same as I do ......
Where are you!?

Under cold compress
I feel the dank
Cell swelling saturation
Driving me into unreachable
Depression
Bleach flowing from my eyes
Innundating the slits in my cheeks
Farewell to everything.
I lost my will in a game
I didnt know i was playing.

So maybe you look back and think ......
Wasn't a big deal and ya
I guess we did have some good times...
I mean idk ...
I don't really remember that much.........
And I suppose when you look back into "that" time.....
It feels like a nagging clingy
Photo album all covered in dust .
And the pages stuck together
Heavily laden with must.......
.........
The recollections I have are completely different ...... I remember the first time I set my eyes upon you....
My memories have meaning .... And my feelings are stainless ......
For you these will not be tainted in rust........
It was late August when I heard you say us for the first time ......
I hold dear to me those softer moments when you let your defenses down and talked to me like comrade....
You and me ......
Family ..........
What baffels  me is how I have to force my self to remember the  cruelest and most confusing pains you put me through ... Shattering my illusion of life and love........
All the times you start a fight just to leave & go hang out with some other guy.........
And I'd hide it from your parents     and
The kids .........
Taking the blame saying ... She's just taking a time out .... It's ok she'll be back tomorrow ...... Meanwhile
You been lieing to all our friends an family .........
Saying I am the one ......
Cheating and disappearing......
Trying to make the youngest boy take a bath and he's crying ......
" No cause mom's gonna leave  
...
And I still cry when I take a shower for the same reason ...... Been ...
6 long years .....
I can't get over you ........
To you it seems like *** is the big deal .
It was kind insignificant......
I know I should move on ..........
But I ..

R u assuming that
Human kind in it's entirety
In a synchronic psychosis
Spurned from your legendary
munificence
Surrendered in a volitional
Symphony
Arm in arm
Keeping  perfect cadence took
Your ***** backwood bathroom lobotomy
And we'll why wouldn't we? After all who can resist being
Ostracized,and labeled as
"The bad guy"
Red flagged , blacklist and blackballed
No work, no money ,fired
No travel for you locked down an then flushed out
Bereft of dignity
forced to retire ,
no pension .
Or here's an idea !

Take the panacea !
This make believe vaccine to protect you from ........
Uhhhm ?
Well just take it or else and don't forget the boosters and for heaven sake
Whatever you do
"AVOID THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HAD THIS BECAUSE ......
THEY WILL GIVE YOU WHAT WE HAVE VACCINATED YOU FROM ....
LISTEN YOU GET THE VACCINE
THEN YOU SAFE ......
EXCEPT YOUR NOT SAFE
FROM WHAT YOUR VACCINE IS FOR
...
WAIT TAKE THIS AND YOU WONT GET THAT ......
UNLESS YOU DO AND THATS
YOURE FAULT

During our life,
Difficulty is a term we run into more oft than not.......
And with it.....
ADVERSITY .
Both having striking similarities ,
Yet not exactly the same....
I find it strange that the term is so easy to understand
Although no one seemingly can recognise it when someone else has it
And.
FYI.
If you have a dream or desire for anything noteworthy in this life.. ....
Dont let you imagination get off easy
Think really really really big...........
There is a simple way to get whatever you want......
Number one
It will be difficult.    
2.the only way to get it is through
ADVERSITY.......
Hey i said simple,
Not easy.......

Future, memory.......
Purchase made........
With priceless
Currency paid......
Most recent event
With or without  
Intention,
Time spent
Is how you bought what is
Now you're newest memory
So riddle this altruism.
If you willst
"It's an elementary fact that a thief is by default
A liar .......   "
so then
Whomsoever
Should say they lie not maketh themselves liars.......
Does this mean we are all unconsciously thieves?
The consequence's
We're recompensed  come from untruths we've sold to the purchaser.
Who unaware wasted their time in thought non existent paradigm .
Rendering  the recipients victims and you should be convicted
To make  active conscious decisions in creating future memories which you will be comfortable in.cause those who don't.

F
I
N

Tell me you are lonely
I'll say Im sorry,
Tell me you are looking
For love
I'll tell you that's the hardest way to find it.
Tell me the things you'll do to get your love ,
Ill tell you you are using the wrong bait!
Tell me one thing you will give up
To get your love and I will tell you 3 reasons you will never be happy

Difficulties and estrangement's
Elegantly  evaencent
Wantings gone
cravings subdued
All lines
That I never ceased
To get hung up on
become undrawn
Even the impossible
I do with ease
Secure all clear
New lust for adventure
With ...
My reoccurring fantasy
You have no idea
How deeply I cherish
Every second of every thought of you

Verily ,verily I say unto you
He,or she,
Whom search for friendship, assuming they are free?
Surely return unaware with a handfull of tares.....
Friendship.. .is till death.
Not something you find,
It's a purchase ...
A mutual contract..
In which you invest .
Both make payments to.
A joint account with two keys.
Both can add or lend
And know where the balance is....
Further more both shall walk away from their own shadow.......
Not give in to rumors.
Fight back to back
Side by side
Never face to face .
Till death if need be .......
If he,or she shall falter.. .
It is the reasonable duty
Of a friend to shield said friend from satans darts
Carry them to safety
Help them to walk right again.
Never leave them in a fire fight.  
Ask as little.as.possible
Try to do whatever is asked of you and always
More...
Just a thought to consider
Remember you get what you pay for!

Mother nature in budding years fell insatiable with what the gods had gifted us .....
She layed at our feet ..
Upon a golden fleece.......
An overly filled cornicopia
Brimmed with anything we wanted....the magnitude of which inexperience
Simply could  not comprehend.
We laughed like fat young kings ...... ..
Shook the pillars ......walked like
GIANTS.



Twas the crestpucular rays
Cusping the dawning of sweet savory days as we ****** knuckled our way into the  arena of adulthood
which did
Glint our eyes ablaze.....
Shedding light upon phantasms of delusional grandeure!
Insatiable .....
A pack of wolf to be sure.....
An almost overbearing musky Aroma of overconfidence lurked ..
And ohhhhhh..
Stiffining the hackle was the ever present danger of spontaneous fight .....
The unpredictability incredibly
Intoxicating.

What a plush
Den  ........
I remember the air back then seemed ....I  guess warm and thick.......
Like it had some meat and............
Still had some game to it .......
Awe yessssss!
peach would pair well with it.
And such a
Flavor hung from each lush
Syllable spun .
Closing in n
Drooling like dogs teeth fully displayed, Eyes transfixed
ears pricked ...
Rotating .........
Searching the silence...
As they  clung to the regaling of some past violence and not wanting to miss a single nuance
Anti-)nay sayers paradise

I am struggling
With the right words to say

thee
wrongest
Things to you
And these fantasies  of
That's all I can recall.
Then I woke up here with a head ache
Naked covered in olive oil.
And this halfa Alfa fury outfit.
Tell me please what happened!?
Well after you told me of ***** deeds fantasies
**** movie moves and
What can only be called debauchery
I stepped back
Out of your reach .....
And looked at you completely
Different
Demanded that you handed me your keys and cell phone .
Put these cuffs on
And follow me.
Which you did
I said wait there  
You obeyed
I came back
With a pitcher of gatorade said the police are on the way.
You said ok .
I then told you that you are a perverted old man and although handsome
I am twenty five years younger how could you even think  that you could do all those things to me
Some of which are il-leagle
Then I glared into your eyes .
Grabbed you by the throat and said .....
You better try
Showed you my badge
Said your under arrest
You better do you worst and
And you were and you did twice
And I did 13 times
Ive been obsessed with you since I can't remember when
I hate you....
Oh **** I forgot
You probably
Don't remember that's our code
For I love you
And I do
And our safety word if things get too  intense to handle
Is
" DONT STOP"

This wrinkle in intrusive batholith
juts high with quickness
Decomposing slowly  I rage upward groping and feeling her nakedness  
I'm ravenous wreckless insatiable
There's only my sanity  to keep me from harm engaged to death
I laugh Ive disabled the alarm
This mountain I take for granted
This granite I color with my blood
I love her so dearly feverishly
I leap and bound
My heart pounds
I know there's gold and crystal my love she seduced me with samples
Under her moss
I heard her say stay
Dig deeper there's more ....
She is my love
She shall always be .....
She will never leave me
she will take my life.......
Some day surely
Its a pact we've made .....
When?
She still won't tell me.......
She calms me .....
For She sees the murderous
Rampage devouring my persona
Under this mask of happy go lucky
lies the Sweet suffocating sullen
Madness and it's wearing so thin.
She says SHHHHHHH
It clears me briefly ...
I muster on.....
As leave ....
The wells fill with salt and saline for to escape from reality
Briefly is sanguine .
Lucidity comes on
Memories flood in
She is the only distraction
I know .....
She keeps the razor from wrist
How many years ....
Gallons of tears ....
How many ?
My Mother sweet Mother
My Father .. Dad ....
I took for granted
My dieng heart longs.
This mountain of granite
Will take my life ...some day
Untill then i know she won't go away..
I try to break her take it all out on her .....
I know she loves me

She stays
She says.

One day it's All happy happy
Then its me me me
Then its what about me
Jealousy
Insecurity
Look at me
Can't you see me?
Can you hear me?
Hey   hello ?
Where'd you go
Vanity ,calamity
Tragedy.
Wait woe no
Help.......
Me
No hey
Don't go
Stop hold me
You can't be......
Gone instantly
Mom
Dad
Me
Alone
Death .
Wretched
Bellicose *****
Maestro of the hollow halls
Echoing from cathedrals of woe
Conductor of maddening maleficent screams ender of dreams......leading the u greatest symphonic misery
Don't look at me..... ..

I don't want to understand you..

I'm sorry because of you....
I'm sorry .....
You can see me
The real me
The bellows that blow gail force winds of the lee's
Continually into the white hot coals of sickening lust burning within
I'm sorry.....
I'm so sorry  for if I could
I would take the blade straight from the forge INVOLENTARILY
Run you through
And end you misery.....
I see you ... .
You can never not be
You take away love
Yet no one loves you
I'm sorry for you.
Is this my lesson
I don't get it  
My pain doesn't lessen

I n my future and in
Introspect I can see
A reflection of who I used to be......
What I don't see ?
Is any time,
when I was not pre-occupied....
And in my minds eye,
Gravity Dissipated
Levitating I became elevated
To a golden path of ease
Life was sublime.  
But it's all a lie .........
If you think you can stay that way
Eventually you will be outshined
I have been so
close to both
Fate and destiny
More than one time .......
Controlling the world  .....
Was always easier than controlling me,
A synergistic dream team
Overconfident and blind
Went off the deep end
Convinced I could not mend....
Went to great lengths to justify
Putting aside my pride ...
That's what I told myself....
If anyone ever tells you
that"That" can't be done ......
That's a lie..........
Like would you believe me
If I told you I was a liar?
That's what I thought......
If I could I would say
I am knot .
But I am not

Time .................
Quantifieable....
Changes every thing .
Created with mankind in mind,
Yet  blind to our needs
The advent simultaneously
Self Incorporated synergistically,
Integrated instantly
Secret allotment ,never know the amount ....
Time, sacred,precious ...to us it's tempral,
To the animal kingdom
It exists on a whole different level
Essential component of "THEE"
TRICHOTOMY "
SPACE
TIME
MATTER
no space ?
No place for us ..
No matter?
Its what were made of.
So if we only had space to move about and matter to exist
It actually wouldn't matter ,
No time to do anything .
Appears we need all three
In order for existence to exist.
Would you believe time is part of mass conspiracy ??????
Well think on this gravity affects mass .with no solid form in its way
Would continually fall or be falling .....well as the world turns
We along with it are always falling horizontally  ......
So we set values to archive events
So in essence time ............. Is it real or
just another form of gravity a constant dilation
in continuum
Blessing or curse
Debatable
Contingent upon vantage I guess.
Could be both
Although  somewhat manageable.
Entombed chaos....
Still seems to be a luck of the draw
A sundry of descriptive adjectives,which one is
applicable ?


Perspective is objective
So at the same" time "
becomes
Both Collectively and personable thus  divisible and multidimensional  

Individually indefinite document
Recorded twice
Once when confusing  lucidity saunters in ,
second at existence end.
"Time" is the quintessential
Determinate!
........
Solitary
I feel a burgeoning affinity for,
  .... A lore
An anomaly ,
In perpetual inflation ,
Unpurchaseable yet it's spent
Plus it's what we do with it
That helps us to see what's in store.
Sporadic  
Fickle and far in-between
Froward looking
I can see scheduling
Orientation like a quantum
Combination lock code aligning
I get giddy in organizing
And arranging to maximize
Some for free........
A ransom fit for a king.
To be continued in deux time.

Lush romantica ,
Ambrosial
A thirst only you could quench
drenched
In honey milk and vanilla
Each dulcet syllable
Suggests a persuasive silhouette
The sweet seduction
I'm un-stable in pursuit
Anticipation laced with preview
Ethics and morals fall to the way side
Passion burning so hot I cannot hide
Accelerating I'm chasing you.......
reckless
I couldn't care less
About collateral damages
Territorial
Nostrils flare ..........
I'm.primal.
Prime objective
instinct governs reasoning
Programed this is what I do......
Imprinted infatuated
Impassioned  no boundaries
I can't breath untill you love me too

Uhhhm.....
It is what it is .......
Untill it was ....
But I really can't say
It always was ......but I do know
It was is before it was ....
Was...
And I can't garauntee it will always be........uhhhm
Is or was or will or could or would or can or even should
How could I?

Somewhere within the confindes of my mind
An image ..........
A youger age ,
A little more vigor
A little less unsure idealistic ,
Thats for sure
Looking hopefull
At the world

Saturated

Missunderstood

Dive ....
Continually into
What life has given me ....
Stay my life ....
Designing blame ...
And damning it ,
As my cause of latency!?

Or ...
Should I lead a life of mediocraty
Anguish in believing success ....
Is something I can only see ...
Never feel.....
Randomly I find opportunity
Then err .....
Till I'm on my knees...


Or ... ..
shall  I be insatiable ,
Chase my dreams    ,
Love knowing .....
Me .....
The miracle that is Me ..
I can't just wait .....
And try it differently next time ...
There is not even enough this time..
I am . ... Therefore I think,
I shall blush in Romantica
Run naked to the cliff ...
Leap without looking   .....
Share my meals with the poor...
Sleep with the homeless ...
Be someone I would adore,
Be a jester and a mentor......
Cry with the broken hearted
Laugh with the children till our
Stomachs are sore    ......
Marvel once again at the wonders of the world
Want more    
Search out
And take everything
Life has to offer .....
And not know the differences
Between fate and destiny?

All it takes is you . .....


All that holds you back ....


Is only you

Zero .
Dark..
Thirty...
Numb......
Spiritually....
And or metaphorically!?
The gravity of this
Mass hallucination ,
My mental conception  barely able to handle,
Literally a literary parable ,
So real its surreal .
Trepidation in the epiphany. ....
So how dumb are we,
We cant see bitting our tongues
Walk like an egyptian ..
Marching blindly
Without hesitating
Or resistance
One by one
The very epitome of mockery.
Verily I say unto you.
The purest form of love
The first thing established is the family.
And now how easily is it  forgotten and purchased
With a little currency.
Follow our shadows into the past we go....
So full of pride though
Walking away from the son
Into prophecy ,
A **** pa pum,
A **** pum pum. ......
To the cadence of the drum
played so softly
By the one
They call the subtle one..
The one who convinced
Every one .....
He never existed.
His venom lies in his words.............
And run through our veins......ist it too late.
Is it all just in vain .
Is it all just vanity?

I'm sorry poetry
It seems like I only write you
When I have to!

Yahhh ..we got free will.
They just wont let us use it

As my world burns ........
This....episode...the lost love......
I . .....scene 1.
As the crestpucular rays .....
One by one  
Fracture thick brooding  horizon.....
With a lascivious quickness
Devoured the darkness.......
For a brief moment.
A rare ......
Precious glorious brief moment .....  
Before reality set in .....
I barricaded every pathway
Held it with my life...    
As I lay there on that beach ...the cool refreshing waters....gently  
Caressed my bare feet......
I watched without a single thought ......
Slowly.......and like it shall ever be........
Dull views began to ripen ..the dew and wet rock glistened .  
I watched .....
I listened......I heard Spanish musica .....
I smelled the ocean...
I heard a whale breach spitting mist.....the a low crushing splash........
I could hear the sand under water  sanding the ocean floor ...I watched  
I viewed as
Charged particles emmited from the nuclear fission still twinkling touch down after millions of mile journey.........
Instantly caused colors to bloom and .....the warmth layed on top of me like a giddy girlfriend.......
I smirked...
..a tear of great
Humbling greatfulnes .....
Like a fat happy dollop of honey dropped off my chin .......
A hot seductive wind ......came in
Overwhelming with the smell of paella.......
The fragrance of a small handfuls of fresh saffron......and I swear I could taste warm sangria......
Empty minded ..I lay there and smiled    ....an almost feeling as though embarrassed to have all this lavished upon me........
Undeservedly...
....... I heard an albatross .....

Barricade cracked  ..... My mind .... Started to  force me to think .....
I heard a gunshot........
Saw clouds ...... The wind breezed sand into my ears.....
The colors faded .......... The water was freezing ...... And smelled like death ........ My breath stank ....... I felt a raindrop.......
My body felt heavy ..... My chest hurt ........
I looked up ......  
Lightning cracked through the sky ..........
Just one thought .....
At first ........ One.
Just ............
Who am I .......
When the thunder exploded above my ...... I saw .......
The blood........
My eyes  rolled back .........
Involuntary
Flashback.........
Too many questions answered at once .........

And I was back at the ranch.......
I could smell gunpowder    
And the thunder clap ....couldn't escape the canyon.............
That dam albatross .........
Albatross ......
Brought me back from the flashback.......
Im alive ........
Am I still me.....
Where am i?
How...am. I....?
.how di...d
I.... ......
Paranoia like a murderous nervous unfamiliar house guest.....
Sinking in      
The albatross and another ......chimed in ......... As I lay there paralyzed.......
Little poisonous   pieces of memory.....
An Im terrified......
Thinking ......
Thinking ....
Thinking
Where is she.....
Does she know     I'm alive?
Does she know .. where ..  sky's black and grey waves out of rythem and foamy.......
Another lightning flash . Hits the sand right in front of me .......
Just behind ......... Her .... Her makeup smeared ... Face grimaced.... Soaking wet ..
.lifts an axe ..... Screams and swings at my head ........
Just as the blade....
I'm alone again ........ I'm ... In my bed.......

I hear a voice clearly it says.....0
Meanwhile back at the ranch......
...........................

Although through this theory based reality
I know how it is probably construed heresy to say
We all go through three distinct phases
Infancy the beginning of  Lucidity to the age of accountability
The age of dependency where rely on
Parental units or who ever will fulfill our need food,shelter ,protection
Second stage the age of puberty accountability immaturity and for some this will not pass without great difficulty
The teenager years where were most likely to face our fears and it's my belief weve become too liberal an soft
And too often this will end in tears
We want to do our own thing we don't need adults for anything we know everything I want the car keys please third stage interdependence the ages
Will vary to a certain degree but
Hopefully actually I fear what the future will hold for this" little miss entitled" generation it's a little bit scary
I'm joking .........ishly
The age of clarity and recompense
We see what we are really made of
In terms of our character which is everything you are !not to be confused with what you're trying to portray
Most often those are two different things .
Anyway it's such a massive compliment that will cause a ripple through time and a badge of honor to see a successful son or daughter
Leading a huge endeavor
As an example
A executive building builder stands side by side with the custodial engineer "the keeper of the Santi-cans regardless of beliefs age color or creed  and admires the billion dollar building turns to the person gives them credit a hand shake and a hug with tears in theyre eyes and says look what we've done together my friend
we  built this building together isn't that worth seeing

Ok allz I Know is that.. ...
You know something i dont
K
So what I wanna know is
This
Is it something "I dont know "
I dont know.
Or
Is it something" I Know" I dont know.
Cause if thats the case then
Knaw what?
I dont think i wanna know
Know what mean?
.........
K I dont think you do
Or
Ooooooh maybe
you do

I feel a great disturbance
Trudging up this landslide disrupted road
An uncertain urgency
Little quips uttered by missguided half witts
Im loosing my penchant for diplomacy
My pupils so undialated my eyes
Are black
the nerves are like hairs on my back
Im backed into a corner like a feril cat
I have sojourned with peril
Encompassed about by the enemy

Saturday above the alpine line
I bought some time
....
And then gifted it to. ......me
It was all i could do to get me to talk to me.........
My inner self
During the last
I's melt down
Saying to me
"I dont know who you are
Anymore"
So now on this empirical sunny
August afternoon..
Im feeling...
A mellancholly sanguine......
Feeling.....
Like askin a crush out for the first time and desperately craving a yes
And you get a definite maybe.....
Hey its definately not a no.....
Ill take it.

In love ....or angered....
S

Verily i say unto you
My friend
I know that somewhere out there
There is a answer for me
Waiting ...  
For it knows
Eventuality shall arise
In due time and
I will have

need.
Proverbs are a dark mirror.
In reflection
Without rebuke.
giving life and
Words to live by
And should be questioned
Whole heartingly
I assure you for I know within these verbs of which we speak
Are  
answers to to everything

Perched on precipice
Of being two tense.  
Beautifull woman in line
Behind me ...........
At the bank ......
A long line on a hot Friday.    
I'm cashing my pay check .....
For Quarters dimes and nickels
Knowing most are worth more than face value.....  .
She says what are you doing?
What's wrong with you..

I said I'm turning my cash into change
Does that not make cents?
She didn't laugh ......
I didn't get her number.
Funny ........
Not a ****** if she doesn't find that funny

5 AM every things all white
Every steps crisp
Wipe away the sleepy bugs
Eyes watery ......
Feels good .....
In transitioning night ending black and white
Sliding into grey
.......
Makin good time traveling
557,000 mph
Hurling through space
Truckin along the same direction this giant stones spinning as it rolls like a giant beautiful wobly
Bluegreen mable around the great inferno .
The mysterious fire .......
One.   Of.    The
Three.    
Trichotomy
In this case
Water air and light
Giver of and sometimes taker of life
Emotions mangled
Bereft of purpose and pride .......
Jezebel ........
Triangles .....  
From Dean Martin
Ta mr bo jangles.
Looked me in the eyes slid the knife in me slowly .....
Smiled
Pulled it out.
Leaking out hope
Filled me with doubt .
Mehhhh!
Boohoo i married an Infidel......
Now im on walk about finding
Me
Serendipity!?!
I trek alone
icy
the frozen landscape  
Glistening
emerging from the gloaming
Into the glow
Directly towards the center of gravity
@ 9941°

Darkness blankets frosted ground
Staring upward into
day break color begins
To Bloom
shades and hues
Attach themselves to what they belong to
The sun chases away the moon
Coffees too strong
Burping up bacon
Off the trail
Staring at a mushroom
............
Ruminating in this simplistic still quiet emptiness ..... The faint .......
Almost inpercievable
Feeling of happiness ....
The hot blood courses into the tiny capilaries of my face
Throbbing
Every beat pounding ..  .pushing it through .........
I think im smiling ........
Or mayby grimacing.....
I picked up a large stone covered in sand now i tryin to swallow it but it wont go down ........
Metaphorically .speaking
And there it is ....
The first of many
The lonely maverick tear
Brave salty and crystal clear
Compassionately
Leaves my eye
Feeling as if he was born for this .........embarks
Parting is such sweet sorrow
Softly caresses my flushed cheek...........
And with great theatrical exiting
Quickly runs towards my chin
To dive off into the great unknown
Gets caught
In the corner of my mouth only
To get swallowed ....
Not to worry ...little buddy
Theres always
Tomorrow
in the distance
Laughter and saturday morn cartoons.
Before me
Past and future confluence
Narrow my field of opportunity and i can see clearly .......
Another cold day looms..............
.........
Im excited for
What ever it may bring!!!!!!

.

Slow mo.  
I'm falling
I'm already replaying
What is happening
each second is an eternity
Frame by frame
Wait ........
STOP !
RIGHT THERE...
See that?
After the flash
...
My pupils dilate
The surprise in my eyes as I realize where the pain came from
This is just a Still shot.......
The peak of pain ,
Pivotal point
When I begin to become undone
...........
Shell shock
This is why I run
I can but I can't see
Tasting the irony
Clutch my chest as I lean
On my way to my knees
been kept in the dark on so many things
By me......things I pretended not to see . ..
Things I didn't want to believe..... everything my guts were telling me
It's hollowing ...
Caught up in the neon green glow
Of a fatal Epiphone.....
trying to swallow a brick ....
Covered in sand
Ampersand,
Everything is so ........
Sanguineous
Feeling nauseous
Ballistic
100 grain.243 boat tail hollow point fully jacketed slid through my chest
I'm dumb ...

Reeling back on my heels ,
I'm stunned,
heartburns
Murmuring,
the rest of me
Cut free currently completely numb
Multi masking with metaphors
Disconnected laying catatonic on the floor
Knowing these stigmas ,
Spiked with poison
Enigmas without solution
.....
She was bored ....
I was lonely ......so she created this illusion we could both lie in....
Ending like a Steven king .....
Began like a harlequin
I'm floating .... souls bruised
And uhm.......
Looking down,
At the crime screen,
Stuck in confusion..
Final conclusion ....
I took the risk .....
I new the outcome......
And id do it again
Because your the best there's ever been
Chalk line around my body
I look like a clown .....
Super happy
With a frown.....
One more time please
......
I'm up if your down

I'm not a unic
I am unique

Sleek ,cunning ,

With a stuning
Spectrum of
Conundrum

Hiding in the plain view of
Obscurity
Know one?
No one
sees the real me
I lie
In
Sanity lies the real me
Lying in sanity
No on sees


Oh the insanity
I've gleaned
It seems like light light-years
Away from.
Being chased
I wanna be
Chaste again
I feel I need a friend
And a *** fiend
To hold me and f... ..
Know 0ne?
No one knows
They owe me
No one knows
The real me

A bit of a purple ****** Ident it? A little fingernail pinch on the inner tricep......
Holiday' ..........
Ohhhhh yeah!
Memories ......
If I could just have these
I would be at ease withy miseries............
But no . .....
Torn open like a long eared bunny.......
I lay still . ....
Tryin to keep dignified a put my pieces back inside..
Meanwhile ....... Hyena's to the left of me......
Jackals to the right........
And here I am
In misery ......
Silver lining .
Might be my last one........
...yeah me!?!



.
.
Well see!
.....
...
..
.
Ok I kid ......
I does kinda feel good
To be wanted .... Even if it's just for   .......
Naw it's just good.
Merry holiday .. an all that ....... Ya'allllll

It's like being resurrected from the grave ........with a ravenous appetite  
For life........
Drunken on bravery......
With no yearning to fight......
it's like learning to fly ...
For the first time......
Everytime you fall  in.....
I love love as much as falling in......
But it's the fall that I crave .
im a slave to it.
Its that sudden stop at the end
That's what I'm afraid of.......
Although ........
You know.. .
Love.....
When your on the verge......
Reluctant dragon....
First time going down a slide.......
Feet out front.....
All the warnings.....
Grasping for something....
All those memories
Fat lips scraped knees.   ......
Wait what's gonna happen .......
When. .....
Then the push ....
The rush ....
All that could happen.......gone.....
Running cutting in line.    
Giggaling climbing the ladder.....
......
Love ........
It's a funny thing....
If you've never been .....
Then I guess your probably fine.
It only takes one time .....
You've lost your mind......
Falling out......
Lilliput Glumb.....
Bummin everyone .
Inconsolable..
Sad sack Sarge
Goyoallllllllllly!
Sickening
Oh woooez me....
Falling in ....
Knight .....
Full of chivalry......
Courageous.......
Enviable......
Righteous in your own mind .....
Unstoppable........
Once you've been
Bitten.....  
Oops I meant smitten......
A bit of advice......
If you are young .....
Listen .....
Chase the girls .....
There gonna run from you...  
Put all that energy into you......
Build your dreams...the girls will eventually chase you.....
If your a girl.......
Same thing but double......
If your old ......
Hair of the dog.....
Rabies......
Oops meant to say
"BABY"

Both lids locked down
Rock solid
My escape .....
Not a sound
Still and silent
I take a quick psychic flight...... . ..
I can't achieve
Break away speed ..    ...
I feel a .......
Disturbance ....and I'm drawn to it.....
Something
On the horizon
I touch down near it......
Without light, my mind's eye
Cajoles the
Delicate silleoutte of an effigy...... In depths of cerulean hues.
It's my spirit ..
......... Weeping.
I loom slowly closer ...
As so,.... you know.. ,
I want to see it in it's genuineness.....
I reach out and it bursts before me silvery red flashes  .....in my mind and Im spiritually blind. ....and at the same time
Catapulting me at epic speeds to the surface.......
The physical realm   .......
Now my eyes see ...... .
I've been for some time in stigmata   .....
Fearfully full of random reoccurring   stupid things .......
Lachrymose
Almost to the point of recluse........
I suppose drove me to this
Exclusive fear fracture .....up here
A monolithic
Slab of frozen  stone
perched above
The town of Index....  
My fantasy go too town......
Town I long to be......full of gold and mystery.......
So much history ....and it's rugged unchanged beauty ... ..... protected by the quirky people's who live there........
High......
Really  really high.....
And so high above the world ..... Winter ish
Magnificent sunset  deep expanses of coral saturating into almost black...
I can't see the town though...
Not yet anyway......
Alone  on  this piece of intrusive batholith
I can't help but notice it......
ever so slightly grades toward the edge......
And the dark lurking  cumulous nimbus devouring precious daylight....
another three steps   ssssssssss
Is
All I need ..  .
In trepidation
I scoff at the mundane which put me in subjection.........leaving me without a choice .........
Daring me ...
And here we are I reluctantly forced the first step and felt as though I might step it up.
so to speak ..... And about to stride to the second step... and a eagle flew just above at me .....
Squelched out
A healthy screech!
Startled would be an understatement.
I
I
I
I
I
  stopped so quick .....
I slipped
....and horizontal.
Looking at my feet and the skyline .....threw my phone straight up
( I know this because when I hit the ground it then bounced of my face......)
Took my wind away  and
Oh my God the view was epic...........
The ice was desperately slick.......
And nothing to lay a grip on
I froze in more ways than one
...........
.....I slid limp my body followed every contour to the the the precipice ....satisfied with my life .....
Although not all together pleased with what I had done with it....
I gave in and let go........
The wind rushing by accelerating....  ...whistle frequency and amplitude increasing ......
ex·hil·a·rat·ing.
Then fear mixed in
In anticipation
Of impact ......
I flexed every muscle to the extreme      ..
Clinched to the max .......thought I could somehow escape,
if I could shake the heavens ,
with a primate like scream ..    .
I did......
It did . .....I hit hard  .......
I was so tight I bounced ..    .screams so loud  ........I
I    .    I'm a awake  
Where am I ?
I'm awake
I'm alive.....
I.......
Was standing   .......
On carpet    ...
In my living room.....
Is this.....
I mean was that ...
Could it have been a dream....
I look to the right
Cliff hanger on the flat screem   . . Neighbors porch lights all
Coming on.....
One of them on my lawn .... the only thing I got on....
is      I guess nachos.......
Close the blinds
*** sure everyone everything's ayite.....back to the couch....
TV .....
Restless leg syndrome .....
Ill get over this
Mid life thing

Out of this rut.......
Watch me ....I'll do it alone ......
I got this .....I'll be back
The Mac .  .
In the Groove
With a gangster lean ...up to speed ....check my strut     G!
But you know what B    
I'm gonna doit my way      .....
Baby steps ....
No frozen mountain top  selfies en ****

Hall knaw    
Uj
Uh awe    naw way....
F that  peace I'm out ......
Not that far out  ..  
Just  ... You . K.n o..........o....