Your mission ???????
You can't handle.
You wanna try ????
Uuugh    ohhhhhhhh K
So there's a place
Takes no space yet it's real
You can't feel it directly
You can see it digitally !
Allagorically...
The concept will elict difficulties
Set aside ample time to digest
In a safe place
Close your  eyes
Figuritively role them back 180 degrees from vertical
And horizontal plain
Hope fully you're comfortable
And if nothing went wrong you should be in awe
Of the view   .....
Watch what you do....
Welcome to you......
Focus please take a reading of your compass
Stay on task and don't ask questions
Of you may not come out of this
Look to the tempral lobe
In there youll see the hippocampus....
See
Do you see a door that reads
episodic memories are formed and indexed here?
Good this is where you want to be to accept this mission
...
Ready ???
Here it is
This place is the network center
Where every word you
(The collective you and all that
And those that make you "you "
Persona ,the dreamy you
The critical in self awareness you)
Have thought or said .
What I need you to do is read all of them in chronological order
While feeling the emotions you see attached to them .....
When you find ones that wronged or hurt any one
Fix them.....
K ? See you when your done
..........
Want me to lock you in?
What ?
You can't ?
I know
And you shouldn't try

Let it go
And live
My love.........
Life becomes the past so fast
And we're different
So of course you are gonna make
Mistakes
F... Em if they can't fixem

its an undynamic situation
we got stuck in
wondering why
procrastinating
doesnt happen
sooner

Only you can
Measure the level of success,
The cost
Drive,
&
restraints.
The Quintacential
Pivital
Role each person
Plays.
The uncountable
Factors and reason behind
Each of these.
And within this
Quotient is the fact that you too
Indeed have obligation affluence to shape the people whom soround you.
Keep in mind
The way you treat them will reflect on the way you will be treated too.

Role
Each individual,plays

Will I ever cease?
Have to wait and see,
It's not on me ..
Although I offer.....
When it's right .....
Then they shall breath

All these insinuations
Everery bodies
Infatuated with!
Established by design,
Product of an insecure mind set.
Become this albatross
I wear around my neck.....
It no longer protects me .
I have to protect it... 
My reputation  
Monstrosities
An eclectic mosaic of debaucheries which have earned me my claim to fame yet only
Merited by deeds known only by me.... .
It's an illusion ......
I mean these things I let them think they see

It's  enough for what they need...
Really it's a drop falling into an ocean    ......
But it's all exclusive to those I let in .......
And I allow them to sojourn within this mirage   ....
So I can feel some guilt and shame and tus continue in my game
....like . ...
A phantom .......
Machiavellian in dichotomy,
With split personality ...
On the outside I pretend to be
Mr. Hyde hididing from what's inside..
Dr. Jeckle I presume .......
A bored and hungry jackle .....
I see the world as my prey......
Over me thin grey clouds
And the blood moon looms
I kakle.......
hunched chasing my tail   ..
I wail and leave my snout up...
Prevailing winds bring the cent of my next victim .  ..
And the sympathy they   will get
****** me me off to a certain
Extent ......I have not found a way to get around that quite yet... .
So I have some regret .....
For now   . 
In effect
I must react quicker and bigger
In ways they won't expect... Swimming with sharks
I'm a dog ......
It's dog eat dog
It's getting too crowded
For me here....
Scarrs are so thick
I don't bleed anymore ....

Yet they still test me ........


So what else am I suppose to do!

All the worlds a stage !
And idinnint just so swelligent..
Maintaining the Machiavellian
Masquerade
No one can see inside
Your encaged like a rat
Eluding the fact that
Everything is irrelevant
Except what makes you well again.

So subtle the muse you use  
Controls the illusion your caught up in.
deflection reflects whether falling out or in.


Falling out .....
Not good ....
Gloomy brooding mist . ....
Songs sung in cerulean hues,
Dark
delusion.
Unamusing ruse....
You can't move .......
Yet you run
night and day
You run
Chasing the same that you run from.
The only fix is to fall back in.
Then your own
Alchemist magicaly moves in mixing chemical intoxicating ....
Concoctions
And traumaus forgotten.
Along with the days

Living numb
succumb
inflicted and infected
Subjected to indignities
Playing into someone's vindictive games....
Which came from another
So now you get the pleasure
Spiked with pain .........
Its a sensation
Like watching your love
Still in loving they're
Ex lovers
They can do no wrong ....
You can do no right......
Oh but you do .....
And they do too......
And since you're there
You get to drink the shame.....
Feel the blame course
Through your veins.
And you stay
And after it's all gone away.
You stay ......
And wait . ....
Swimming with sharks
In hopes of falling back in .. ........
..................FIN.


These trials and tribulations
I find myself in
Come directly from my addiction....
I love .. ......
That's just me.......
I'm in,
everything goes from,
Dark cerulean to
Glowing vermillion

Intrinsic ,
My matrix.....
interwoven with twines of self sabotage and
Delusions of grandeur.
Like an intricate macrame....
Passion for perfection hate confrentation..an empath
Neurological anomoly
  high
IQ.........
So I do
to have a greater understanding
Of the meaning of loneliness ........
And in duress
imbued  
Great anti-social skills..  
I never will give up......
And when I don't .
I know I will
Regret........
more me time than most ....
Which honestly .....
It's probably best ........
Time passes while I over analyze,and practice.......
I pre assemble
And run scenarios in my mind ... .
Over and over and over .....  
I can see it I can be real about it .....
Foresee problematic
intricacies and extrapolate
Ramifications ........as the subtle beast slips in to ruin all these perfectly planned and plotted ......
Things......
In mid stream
Im sabatoged
To my knees on front street intentions of great self sacrifice and
Benevolence
Thrown to the four winds  .....
Errybody  got to walk by the stupid kid . ....
Nit picken up in the cool aid ......put themselves up on a pedestal ....while I go all mentally ......  

Woe....... Count to ten   .....
Before I wind up in solitary ....confinement ....then again ..... I bet I can .....naw ...... Forget it

As I wander in quandary
I ponder less on what's been squandered ....
I don't want to see ...
Focused mostly on  soaking in dulcet fantasy
These pangs of sundry pains
From priorities rearranged
Seduces me to escape into
What could be
My heart grows fonder....
As I continue in thought of you
Help me.....is this my fate or destiny.......
Am I distorting reality.......
I'm really begining to wonder
Will these lessons ever lessen
Is it   obsession  that  pervert my intentions
Am I  the reprobate?
Does my wanton state
Negate my ability of keeping my head straight..........
I'm just pondering here...............
During conversations.........
My infatuation scales conversely
With my linguistic agility
Along with chemical imbalancing
Lexicon gone
Let's just say I struggle the um
To get duh
The word me say to you........
So could it be
Things you say to me
Might be rearranged
Used to fuel my campaign
Unbeknownst to me
Completely
Incongruent to what you were trying to convey
Naw.      It couldn't be
.......ERrrrr could it though........
Or how would I know ??????
Maybe I'm a smooth talking  genius
With a deep jazzy dj voice
That makes you mostly want to listen
As I spit my game
At the Same time
Im
perpetrating
Another clever deception....
Extorting cupid to do his thing
Making you fall In love with me.....
By writing the worst so called poetry the word has ever seen
Hmmmmmmm,
I'm shifting from pontificating
To exacerbating.......
Do I think these tactics and my immaturity
Will persuade you to love me....
I do ...
I think ,therefore I am,
And you are.....>
Because you are everything
And I will never be caught....
Not being in thought of you
I will live forever trying to recompense
The immense happiness you have givin me
I'll do anything ........
"C" ko mo no
You are tha Kaarrcktt one for
Me Ott Minnon
I love you Sara.......
Please talk to me

Oh my darling may I say...
When you know who you are ........
My sweetest addiction......
Then you will know whom thissssssssss......
Poem ?
Is written to..........
Find what kinda code this is
to see why you feel
The way you do....
The value it represents
Personifies the way I feel about you
#ff0000.....
And if you have ever fantasized
Then tonight!
let your eyes
Become the sky
Allow me such shivering closeness
To gaze down past my reflection
Untill I fall in and fly........
And I'll whisper
Let me stay lost in you...
Listen closely.
A prediction wrapped around a clue      
May or may not help
....you.
When you phone says
"Who"
You will begin to glisten
Ahhh
Awkward ....
Is it a weird word ?
Or is it weird that
That word leaves you feeling  the need to re-spell it?
No?
Its just me.......
Well idin it eye before e?
Oui!
Secretly, within
Synonyms and silky soft  
soliloquies im saying this could be viewed as some kind of a fair warning
Or is it .......
Lets inqusit summon the spell
Checker .......
With a quickness .......
MIRACAST.....
To the big screen..
I  insist....
Transfix your gaze
Deeply into the LCD.
Ask the man in the mirror
Or say "Siri?.......
Is he casting a spell on me.......
Too late .
With a slew of inaudible vowels infused with succulent syllables
Ive turnt
  Siri  into an owl
Im sure she  would love to say
It's a definite maybe. .
So kissed let lust twist
Within your mind..
Close your eyes ....
But please dont stop reading..
And while you do.
Think"what is  SILVER "? what was the word
That came to you...
Never regret reading me .
Save that feeling for something you didnt do.
Silver Tongue forget me not spell #2.
Antidote in this anecdote
Spell checker cant check you for spells ....you will need to loose yourself
In the crystal blue persuasion and the purring cat Im petting is Himalayan
Not Persian,
So the illusion eludes to the fact that when wool gets wet
They.............
Maybe the infamous they ...
Or the proverbial they.
Either way they say
Wet wool makes felt .
But it doesn't exist
Until its felt.    
This spell is only real
untill you love me.........
The way I love you



Shhhhhh.....

Oh and Semper Gratis,
My Darling.........
For everything. .....

A tenement full of unintelligent
On the cusp of
Belligerent.
Random with anything in common is coincidentally dismissed .
This is a basic definition of .....what is
Named   ( the 12 )  The Jury.
Great ...!
Twelve people .....
12
People who it appears,
have seen a comfortable life which has held a consistently more pleasant theme than mine....... And it appears,
most have  enjoyed.....
a slightly better decision making process ,
And possibly had more of a chance to understand the difference between responding and reacting.....
Never the less I digress
And will say none of these people ....
Would look my way more than once........out of fear ......
They may  make eye contact
And I may consider this a challenge
Or opportunity....
And although my current seat is slightly higher   it's obvious they won't see me if not looking down.....
Because we walk on two different sides of the tracks.  
Knowing not one person not even one who knows me ......all they see is what they see of me....
Having no clue of my character.  
Only rumours offered up as facts
Not to mention are more occupied
With there own things .......
Some are just trying to hurry it up .....
Plus they weren't there.......
And really do you care?

WAIT.....!
Uhhh EHHHM......
Supper whispery
(((((((Tublecain))))))))......    
"Ok at this point my client requests a minute to confer with the reader ."
On what grounds ......?
"Excuse me your honor one second......
( Uh huh ummm. ***)
Your honor my client says .....
Two things
No 1
He wishes to express to the future reader what he's ......
(Sawwwalllow) ummm
What he is  ""feeling"" right now !."
And the second !??!
Iiiiiiiii uhhhm will telllllll you after hes finished?
I object you
OVERRULLED.
I WILL SAY THIS .........
THIS HAD BETTER BE GOOD
Councilor!
Yes sir
"MY client has convinced me .
It will be"
Ok son the floors your's.....
For a  minute.
Ok here we go.......
This really doesn't do justice
Yet I feel this analogy will leave you with sorta bland essence of .....
My current situation.....
So have you ever traversed a glacier?
And  stopped for a quick bite .....
And you spilled like three cans of sardines in your lap .......
Picked em up ate them anyway .
And quickly headed back on your way......far ahead you see what looks like polar bear ...
And thought well this was a nice hike .....think I'll head back to the truck.    Do da Doo don want to overdue it......and I'm feeling like
I need a good burn ....heck with walkin.    
Started to run and then between you and your truck. A pack of ........
OH FUUUUUUUUN!!  .
just then you fall down a crevasse
And when you wake
Wedged left to right.....in front a cave and behind the same .......
With one big difference....
In the front really very pretty wth all the light play and ice and everything...except for ....an Alpha male hungry wolf .....
With his pack pushing him so he's growling.
And since his muzzle is pressed tightly with a slight upward turn under your " decision maker"
You can really feel the meaning .....
:Translating:
Back off me , were gonna eat.
But this smell of fishiness and fear is just .....intoxicating  .........
STFup............and behind like I said the same except .......for ....... instead of the dawgs.    A polar bear pushing his nose in. My be.......
Since my pants ripped ......  
Feels like he is trying to smell the front side.............then one of them takes a lick ......
Ok so you've never experienced that ?
I find that a little odd but .....
Use. Your imagination...k.....
Let's just say that faintly ..
An epiphany starts to emerge
And then you say ....
I get it ..
Fight or flight .....
Huh! So that's what that means....
Well today right now I'm felling that
Only intensified......
.
Usually for me
Individual voices blend untill eventually become clamor.
This was the opposite .
And slowly feeling ....
as if....
with the temperature rising.
..blood vessels contracting ...

Skin tightening.....
Pupils dilating.  Heart racing...
Gravity and fear of physical harm
Dissipating.........along with every thought in the world save one
Escaping ... running naked wild And free........ scenarios with quantum variations in rapid succession .
As they each reach an undesirable end...
My  brilliant psyche calculating and piecing  plausible fragment from each one ......
They play through again
I'm beginning to see............
Oh F..k what!!      

I said answer the question or I'll hold you in contempt!
The attention
Turning towards me.
Thoughts racing ,distant
Catatonic glazed over gaze as I'm flipping files
My head snaps to exactly horizontal my lower jaw left behind is catching up at a snails pace ......
As I suddenly realize ....
I'm no longer 100 %
I don't "want to say anything till
to figure out what anyone could have known  of  something Ive done....
And profusely sweating  
And a forceful lucidity peaks like an acid bath
The whole room is looking at me....this is it..my eyes crossed for a second I felt really weak and queasy ..
The question hung like a frozen specter in front of me..
......
..
And just then
The viiiiicooodiin
Kicked iiiiyyiiinnmmmm
An Iiiiik aaaaaalmost
Sneezed......


Top of the world baby .
Looked at the courtroom and the balif
And said STFKUP!
And we all burst into laughter.

I found another personality  
Trait to hate !
Fake caring Karen.
You pretend friend
You're a frienenemy....
Taking the passion from my pain..
Oh ....... I SEE
WHAT I SHOULD SAY IS
"I  ""allowed""  her  to ruin my life"..   .....
Trigger please you weren't there
You didn't see all the horrible things
You'll never know the depths and humiliating things    ..
You will surely never feel the sacrifices self depravity .....
Hearing her laughing !
broken lachrymose
Suffering on my knees .
Trying to friend me up with her lovers.
When I find out chase them away she cry's ..
Says she hates me.  .
I forgive and forget    ....
I say  I love you babe
We'll get through it.   . .
She calls me pathetic...
Years go by and somehow she just can't remember that ****.
Says it me  ......
So ya  I "let" her  ruin my life ....
The same way
Your not letting me punch you in the throat!
Does that not denote the pain you got comin ....

Be gone from mine eyes
Peasant ...... I have no need of you....
Unless you wish me to rephrase
" You allowed me to punch you in the throat an beat you with my belt buckle........."
See how much that helps ...
*******!


    .

And just so you know,
Sometimes we never do,
It's just a chance we take...
Knowing if we can really forego a risk so great
If you dare to take
That leap of faith.
To boldly let go of whats been done to you
And  compare not the old
To the new,...
For is it truly fair to act bitter and cold
To an innocent heart that
Has only love and will do anything you ask them to
After several attempts to
Find love......
You give in to ......
The idea that ....you.
Can no longer be burdened with that desire....
Sadly you just give up....
No more will you try,
Theres nobody out there ,
The problem is elusive
Because you look for the perfect person .
Well funshine think of it this way.......
A perfect catch probably
Would want a perfect match.
No offense deary
But clearly you arnt exactly what that defines.
Nobodies perfect .
So then you stop looking.
Cupid knows when
You drop expectations
Potential candidates
Interrogations
He draws his bow
Lets loose arrows




Some how love laced ,
Because of love ,
You were, I'm sure
faced with petty things
Which imbued you
With lofty dreams
That one day
The new love of your
Life
will learn not to do!
Since life so often
Seen through
Eyes biased by
a lifetime sorta practicum
Internship
As an apprentice
Imprinting through environmental conditioning ,
Immersed in
What your mentors
Were taught
What they thought
Was how to be.
So you gleaned everything
You perceive,and although you may deicide to rebel or reject certain aspects
As you mature pain and pressure can exhaust
Dealing in such heavy costs incurring grieving losses .
We have tendencies to
So subtly  fall back in default to
Our
pseudo
Peach tree point of view .
Morals ethics right wrong
This is your reality.
It isnt long when your
loveshine is gone.  
Im so sorry for you. ....
Before you do anything
Cruel or stupid ..
Concern your mind with this.
You may try to empathise
But ,
You dont know you cant rationalize a paradigm
Different than that which
Made you"YoU"!
It could be they have been neglected,rejected,beatin,
Lied to ,abandoned
By one or both mom and dad and or possible
Siblings too.
This new love to them
Could be the first time
They have tried to be and so far they are the best to you that they could be.
And it's hard to remember but not so long ago you loved them
so..
.have the courage
And respect to say.
Im sorry and thank you
For all of the things we experienced.
I dont want to hurt you
But I also dont want to lie to you,
And lead you on...
I will always try to stay your friend if youll let me.
Anyway my love for you is gone........
Its so very difficult
Or do you want to take the ****** way out and jade them into someone like you by doing those accursed things that some ******* did to you...
Cause that makes you no better than them
And then your just another bitter ******* too.

Ink blot
first impression?
Thought this should be easy.
Rapid succession.......
The white ,midnight black,
Page after page after page,
(Can I really trust her?)
((Let's see))
HOT!
LAVA!
LOVE !
*** !
YOU!
ME !
PLEASE?
(She.. ....... Didn't flinch
I think she told me the truth!
I could say exactly what I saw,
So. .  .... I let go ....  
Uncensored....    ....
My psyche's frolicking naked
Unabashed
Inappropriate?   ****** ?
Brutal !
First time ...... For me ......
Like a shy  sea anemone
My soul ,.  . . cautious....
Vulnerable   reached out of the darkness ........
I felt the warmth of the sun.....
Flash... ...
Sting .
Pain .......
Ex....
Love .......
Her lover ........
What is she showing me?

Stop !
A splash of cherry red...  
Fist clenched
Drenched
As my fantasy snaking back into my head
And the clarity is cold ......
Something's wrong .
I'm not in the trust tree anymore ...
Im alone , our tether  severed
She's still here but she disconnected......
I don't know what I said   ..  .
Patient confidentiality?
Yes please ......
First question ........
Not from her....
From me ........
Not to her .......
To you..........
Do you believe ?
Do you see things differently?
Too what degree?
Do you have moods ?
Or do you have to tie up your personalities?
If you say to me
We create our own reality.....
I say to you


"*** are we doing here?

This world this life
The stupidity happening
Doesn't Jive
Every generation has
These growing pains
The strains from tearing away in order
To breathe
To one it's painfull
Loosing control
It seems to the
Other half liberating to finally be
Free to chase their own destiny.
And all the cultures of the world.
Some antiquated .
Some are bizzare maybe to you
Thats a beautifull point of view... Some are glorious and are jermain to the
Pompatus of love and pertain to nuturing each other in a respectfull way the fact that we all strife to be a little different
Actually makes us the same ..
So many things to deal with and only so many days .
I say **** tyrant fear mongers and liars perverts.....
Well perverted
Deviates and murderers haters biggetries is a learned festering disease ....and to those upper crest pulling these painfull puppet strings,
Using race
To perpatrate
And create a continuous animosity I say a million written horiable tortuotus deaths sprinkled with wishes that you feel every painful thing that family and children all over the world felt and especially the victims pain shared with you over and over and over until you swim in the lake of fire .
Which is the Hell of Hell's
As it swells the soul burns continually and every fear intensifies.
Every addiction
You will withdrawal with skull shedding sorrow full of shame ravaged and ***** with serrated knifes and in you your tears and snot the vomiting stench of decaying corpses and the visions of the ones you wronged and all ya all's memories. Are
Wiped from our minds there is absolutely no way for any one to escape hide or ever have rest or respite .no one to hear you .no time ever to look to for the end .......for you it  never will .no possible way out  .
Never
Ever
Evere
Until nope  
There is no hope and no way ever.
But hey at least now you know
And also I cool with that ..
I mean well I dont wish that on anybody .
So I don't.
It's not me .
Its you.
And you got it coming.
I'm just saying
Maybe we need to look at the roots of this
.what I mean is this.
The way we teach is like subliminal messaging and
Sorta like a feathery leading the witness thing
The way it is presented is absolutely capitulating.
And that's what we'll do untill
We actually  do something
.my loves my strengths my friend neighboors and country men
It's time to unite every color everyone
End this perpetuated way of teaching
And let's start healing a reaching for the stars .....a utopia where we all are treated as equals without condensation
Because we are ..and isn't really time for a change
This money driven lottoreia society is a diarrhea of dead end dreams
We **** for what a some paper we can trade for things
**** all those things

Hot pink .........swollen
No con...sole...ation prize  
Slow to focus
Eye liner max factor recall
Cherry red vermillion

Aquifers linked starting from stunning vistas
atop  glacier laden pain peaks
Over heating..... melting
Epoch jarring sounds
From the darkest deepest unreachs
CREAKING.....
fissures releasing stress
Mind tearing
HIISSSSSSSZZZZZZZZTERING
moaning
CRACKING .SCREACHING .. .WAKING THE DEAD... WAILING
THE CATHEDERALS OF WOE.
from the never regions
Echos ricocheting
Off walls outside our concieving
frequencies so low its physically sickening ...upsetting equanimity ..you actually feel and
See them as each wave rolls through ......
Reality slows to a crawl frustration turbidity everything opposing you
Nothing goes right
Slowly getting better till half the way through and its
Allright and then you rest find piece everythings more than right
Nice now i can handle this
Close youre eyes in bliss
Ahhhhhhhh quietness .
7nth day coming to a close .
Kiss happiness goodby
While you sleep chaos wrestless like a pervert creepin in you window.before you wake
Next wave sets in
Inducing a mantra  of
mountainous emotional
Upheavals. .....each one increasing ..by one  hertz.....if the damm
CCCRRRAAAKKKGUHSHHHHH
The mega ice dam fractures and the mountains erupt.
Massive utterly. ...........jaw dropping.then running
Ohhhhh. No. Whats that soouuuuCRAP I GOTTA GO TO THE
HEY OMY LANTA HEY I GOTTA GO HURRY. OK THANK YOU ....
BAAAAAAAAAAABE.   WAKE UP THE KIDS ARE MISS THE BUSS.......WAHHHHHHHH

AH WAAAAAA
Wait what ....todays a holiday .awe great. I mean yeah!!!.
I know i got the baby
Thats just great oh ggoody
Who wants pancakes..
Cassius quit pickin on Deon .
Deon HAY !!! I saw that...knock that crap off ....oh no shhhh
Here comes mom hide me!!!
Hes in the closet
.........
..thanks guys

Dark times ....
Desperate crestfallen days we'd hide
00

Wolfram and Sheelite
Octahedral double terminated crystal golden
Bright
Sometimes used in jewelry.
The other so. Beautifuly black........
Epochs and eons ago these two embarked upon
Unprecedented journeys.
Mystery still the matrix of their origins.
Speculators say they have always been....
Arguing that cosmic dust glittered an scattered about pulled by indescribable
Gravity into the transformation of super nova .
Irony in being cast about came the same .
Then  over countless para secs.
Arrived early in this earth .
She likes
This earth that is.
Some things. More than others .
Take a pumice stone in one a tungsten in the other youl know.
These two beautifull stones set the world on its ear .
The real irony is how
It polutted our world with light .
Yet be so dam heavy

Oh how cliche,.......
Beguile me
with your
Myriad of complex sufferings.... .
Bleach me with tales of sabotage
and an obscure
collage of un-merrited
catastrophe.....
Pull me in deep
with fortune's and fame
Fill me with how "they".............
Gang stalked undermined and kept these things just out of reach. ......
As the fabric of morality beginning to frey.......
Give me please addresses ,names,
Anything I can do even beyond my means.. ..
I feel I must sacrifice my self . .......endure pain .....
I will take the reigns
You shall remain safe ...here . ..  
I shall buffet whatever
This world will bring....
Moved by compassion
To be the change I wish to see ......
My life is not worth living ...
If live comfortably   ....
At the price of those poor souls who's
Sole purpose is to be
The whipping posts
That society ghosts
Because they can't quite manage the routines........

The ones everyone uses as a gage,
And say "Well atleast "we" aren't as bad as them......
Meanwhile,secretly their mind itching
With iniquities ..
Outwardly receiving kudos for how good they've been,
Inside festering with fleas ......
A slave to dark desires
Cloaked with lies.  .  
........
And now back to our story.....
My campaign extreme.
Exhausted
I collapse .....
And take stock as I coalesce......
It seems for you
The one whom I went all this through
Said I have done nothing
I haven't changed a thing...
Infact I have been the worst......
The chief of them. ..
All my giving and regiving ad sleepless nights,fights,
Going beyond and without....
"YOU"
Mistake my kindness for stupiday!

Fill my heart with black venom......
I no longer wish to be
The victim
Now I see revenge!

Oh sure you are the security ,
And they seem to be
A true friend indeed,
And yes ,
Trust and believe
It is better to give
Than recieve!
Because this means
You have more than what it takes  to satisfy your needs....
But when they become impatient
Waiting on your payday .......
Lemme say this
These people become
accoutrements you don't need?!?

The statement comes to mind frequently .......
And that is ......
"There is one thing that Elohim could not do  ......
He could not make a mistake.."
My response is that ,
"He could ,but he couldn't ,
And He did .......
When He created woman......
His mistake was .....
(Forgive me my Lord for saying this")
He didn't make enough of them! "
Heartfelt......
Felt like it was going to stop .....
(My heart that is)
She touched me ,
All my ......
Previous engagements got ..
trifled,
As I riffled through my
Coolest Lp's.......
Little scuured,
Cause she keeps  flipping her hair and looking at me weird,
Like I don't know if she's gonna  cry or something wrong with me?
Her smile, mischievous,
Her eyes pouty ,
Sleepy .
Wanting?
Needing?
                something? ......
Seems like yesterday she was calling me names and making fun of me.....
I'm looking around sorta
Half feeling like a young king while secretly looking  for Allen funt,
And the candid camera team.
And now for some reason
I'm impersonating
007 the great  Sean Connery.
The world fell away into the abyss........
I dimmed the lights ,
Every motion I made
ended with me running my fingers through my featherd hair and striking a pose     ......
Her voice had a distinct metallic like static as  if my brain fixated on each grain of sound
I remember a high pitched crackling silence after she
Crinkled her nose
giggled and said comeer.....
Gesturing me with her finger.....
I carefully lowered the needle  ...
Onto the spinning record.....
Lover boy ,
"Take me to the top"
What's a poor boy to do ?
Is this some form of witchcraft?
I'm not in control,.
Yet ....
Then again ..
I feel like
I am ...... Or ..
I feel like maybe she is causing me ,
Or allowing  me,
Or letting me,
feel like I am.....
What kind of Vudu did she do
To me
She sat up half way
Until or face almost touched ....
Rested on one elbow
On my pillow    ...
No less
I saw glistening in her eyes .....
She looked deeply into mine .
I realized this girl I've crushed on for sooooooooooo long .  .
Was mine ....
After some time
I came to realize ....
She wasn't mine at all ....
I was hers ......
Her fragrance was intoxicating ...
I was spellbound and levitating into culpable bliss   .......
Tilting her head her eyes closed ...
She reached toward my face ....
I flinched ....... She smiled and said ...... It's ok ........
Her lips ... So soft ...... Hit wet
With mine ...
I closed my eyes and ....
Then


FIN............
I knew ,
The Epiphone ,
Instantly , I could see ,
No more mystery
My future became ancient history


I know why the female hero
Is called the Heroine!
My first addiction,
Tell me have you seen her?
caviler .......... I exist on a regimen
Of crow and "told you so"
My love life looms luminescent
So far away and distant as I
Lay awake and ..........
Reminisce
I tell myself I know
I know

I put  myself in this paradigm

I picked out this choker
Betrothed myself to Karma ....
Haven't seen the light of day,
Trying to find myself ,
With all this time to wallow
After chasing that sweet first high
Ohhhh my my
My whole life ......
I guarantee with a violent passion if ......
No when I'm let free
Finished my sentence ..... And my love light shines again ....
I'm gonna be the best the world has ever seen
You'll see  ..........
Im just sayin Karma!.
Geese loosen up on the leash
Your choking me!

Two pillars  set juxtaposed ,
I use both as baring,
Both bearing equal gravity.
Rising high from the waters ...
Between these ,
Lies this isthmus.
In the middle of which
A field of lavender .....
Outlined with oleander
peach colored summer
I lay awake at night and dream
I dream that there is more than this
I know I shall surely die ..
Here betwixt good and bad  .
Here ......
this lonely existence
Here I feel the undercurrents
One I cant resist
the other ....
Eradicate
My destructive state......
One is such a succulent persuasion
Easy as a fall
The other seems difficult
Abstinence not my favorite
Suit .....
Yet the treasure upon that vista
Manifold ......
The fruit ....
Ambrosial

I lay awake........
Suffering in dulcet
thoughts of you......

Oh so now you wanst ta talk....
I don't suppose this has anything to do with your new boo ....
Telling you to kick rocks?
Ok let me ask you this ?
Have you natured enough to
Listen ?
Oooooo k.....
Remember at the end of show....
You said why
Don't you ever have my back....
And I said ..... I always have .....
Not when you're being faulty ......
Because you and me are good....
Me and faulty ...
Naw  I don't want to get hemmed up cause a you.


I don't need any partners for that ****...
I'm tryin to look legit.

Get it

1253  lie awake  
Hear the  dry mechanisms
In the clock searching desperately
For any distracting thoughts
Tictictictictic tic tic  tic  tic .  .  .  . . . ......
Finally !....gravity!
compensations mathmatical
Calculations with variables!
This rythm fluctuation in timing
I had thought maybe
I was imagining....I'm not!
It's real in fact perfectly predictable  ....  
its not intermittent
or some symptom
of mechanical failure
The tic of the clock speeding
Then slowing its not the batteries or something discrepant in the machining....
Its so simple  ....
The weight of the second hand being the longest is pulled by gravity.........
so as it hits the six you can hear a lul in the ticking as if it were dangling without tensioning on the gearing
Then you hear slow struggling up to the twelve .
Where it sorta teeters then speeds sounds like it's trying to hold back the sands of time
Time... .
Time..............
h no ......no...please
Let me sleep,
Here comes the wave again
Pain full perfect memory
The clear and present danger
I know is immenment
The discovery ....
They'll see I've been pretending
To be innocent
And my biggest fear
My most mind breaking soul shattering life ending fear.....
Is they will think
I had taken pleasure in
Getting away with it...
So I relive it ...
I transfer myself into the ones who hurt the worst
Become them and absorb the worst case scenario
Over and over......
I lay awake ....
I live the humility of being ...
In the .....
I know I'm guilty wether I'm caught or not.......
I'm not trying to get away with anything .....
I just don't want to get caught...
Suddenly ....
The door slams like at the end of ironsides.....as the footsteps echoing down the hall ...
Louder aproaching
I see a big green question mark
Teetering and ticking above my pursuant....
Ohh no here it comes again
BAM BAM BAM.
this is it
My day of reckoning
Should I run .....
The door is opening

Look deeply into my eyes
Deep enough that I may know
You understand me.....
Give me vantage to see the real you
So I will have a clear conscious.
An I won't have to pretend
The pain you caused me
Was not an accident.
So I can fade you into my shadow and never need to see you again!

Despite  risk,
  love outweigh  my mind

My soul bruised ....
I used to be
Unstable ,
Some called me Cain..........
That's not my name........
I'm still me ....
Psychosomatic
Dichotomy......
It's not me....
Your labels
Trigger lost time...
Once I saw how
Little you thought of me .......
Past generations
From the grave groaned hauntingly
Mourning me......
I felt the splitting
I lost color in one eye.......
The other looked away.......depth and time feels strange.....
I tried remain the same......
I knew the cruelties
You went through  and how the effects would likely be recompensed upon me........
I could not be swayed ......
To the depths and widths of my soul
Eternal wells flowed love .......
For eternity.    
For you.........
I spoke kindness ...
Gently asked please
Never assumed anything........
Never told you
You had to do anything ........
All in vain........
You and your games ......
Degrading me in front of family and friends .........
In private I cried ...
You mocked me......
I love you ....
You used me........
I tried to love you back to life .....you killed  the better half of me......
My purpose was to love you and only you..........
I held on too long
You broke your promise,your vow,my heart......
Forced me to be what you made me...
I am trying  not to change.........
I'm not Able...
Some call me Cain.....
I say that's not me ....yet........
I feel his blood course through
My veins...........
In my mind I see
In my dialouge I say.....
I never had a brother.......
I'm still Me ......
Same same.  
. That's not my name......
Who are you
?
Me?
?

Without culture who would try
Without philosophers who would ask why
Without teachers who would learn
Without fear who would be alive
Without honesty and bravery who would live .
Without love who would want to .
Without teachers that fear for future generations and love the children and our once great nation and are brave enough to accept this challenge and knowing the Colossal retribution to follow if they fail
do this voluntarily for practically no pay every day .and shall i say prevail.
Inspite of the pitfalls
I guess its more of a no brainer than philosophical

I walked in....to the party
And everything
Right .........left
And I said
"Whats left ?
Right?
Que the canned laughter......
Annnnnnnnddrop....
The curtain falls
And im drowning in silence

Exit stage left
Rieeeeet?

the pain grows  
the needle  
tears the skin
one end of the I.V
in my vien
the other end my pen
the blood flows

i drag it across parchment
one last time to re-live.
the pain in a controlled way
through words ,metafives and wit

its gibberish cryptic  
a poor attempt at poetry
i know
i rant as a child
for a short while
i feel a smile
remove the I.V.
put on the masque
and im back in
denial

I remember itchy red eyes laying awake to daydream of you,
Waiting by the rotary phone .......
It rings ...
My heart's in my throat......
I lean on one elbow
super smug mug.
Avocado green plush rug.......
Jazzy radio deep voice
Like cool crushed velvet
I speak right into your ear .
Hellllllllo?
Uhhhm what....
No I don't want to take a survey  
.........
Dammmm it
Slam the phone ......
Then fold my hands under my head .......
Smile , cross my feet and stretch
And pick up where I left off.

Lost in love with you
On a hot august night  ...
I fantasize about ..
You fantasizing about menow I fantasize that I could go back to those days and catch a feeling or two.........

I untether whatever hasn't been bereft of me
I still love you more than anything
Mortally wounded
I apparently suffer this alone
Now reduced to basic instinct
Flaunting youre new Bo and
Youre infidelity has introduced
A ****** of crows
Cawing circling darkening
Taunting me
Fading.............hating  the fact that i love how easily i can go back to killing.
Affixed motionless
I coalesce on youre lover writhing and gurgling
Drenched in blood
Julie Andrews and I on a moutain top in an alpine meadow
Whimsically prancing and twirling
At the opening of our new show
The sound of revenge
Im giddy with glee and watching it play out in 3D
Its seems so real its surreal
Im all giggling because i can actually feel the drying blood
Its itching
So thick its cracking
This is not a confession
Any circumstances construed
Cant be used against me
I dont even like smith an wesson
Coincidental
Surrounded by the blood curdling cathedrals of woe
Dont it make my my blue eyes black
Oh my worlds enraged my final act
Im playing the lead........................show time baby
I cant ****** wait .......this is what i was born to be
Im gonna **** it...............
**** it ......****   ....it.........?

Cut.......yah  
CUT CUTCUTCUT
NO wait .stop filming.........need some coaching.............helo?
have i become the person ive created for this
...................show?
wait is this really me
Is this a movie?
And so typical with such elegant and perfect timing
My Mother comes back from the grave to haunt me
"Darling ,.  My little Angel is this how i taught you to behave?
REALLY?
Ok    ok .......
Its more of a feeling and not really an independent voice
Autonomously speaking to me from within my head
K that would be crazy
That being said ...............
Like watching salinity and fresh water congeal
So lucidity and reality slowly aligned
Apologised and gifted me back
My sanity
And if there is one thing my momma taught me
"Baby boy .......life is gonna get tough .....people can be so strange
Dont you ever run from anything .even if it means you give in some times ...........its what they believe ............
Doesnt mean necessarily true.so if its what you need let the fools believe .........but only briefly ........you choose .......you live
Use the pain they wrongly inflict on you.
To keep the wounds fresh and strengthen you
Dont you be weak .......ever......look at me ! Hey!
I wont always be here .please i need to know you understand
.........AAYYAND.hey   youre gonna be ok .

Pick your battles My Son ............its not just cause im youre mom
There is no one else on this earth lke you .
People have told me this they can see it too .
Be good in this life .be honest and gentle
Be humble above all be cool
If a woman could see the real you they would never leave you .
Remember the word sonder i taught you?
Just because you love someone more than life itself and are willing to do exactly everything they ask of you.and treat them better than they deserve dosnt mean that they have to love you too.
Because who knows what theyre life has been like
So unfortunately for them they abuse you and it will hurt when they loose you dont let it confuse.............
TOO LATE  MOM.
IN retrospect i realized i had been obsessing  
And so.........
Tearfully removing myself from view
Furthermore release my entitleship to you
step down from my throne
I relinquish this crown
I will wait here
Untill there is nothing left
under this blanket................of agony
Fully knowing it shouldn't bring me pleasure what ever pain
You gifted me even everything you denied tried to pretend and
Actually cant remember
That fool will do unto you in full measure
Then hopefully youll see ill be here waiting to hold u.
Oh .....and in case you didnt know .....
I wont even say i told you  ...

So tired of chasing this dream.....
Languishing in the land of
Opportunity.......
So tired....
I had a dream
That I was sleeping.........
I mean .....
Really sleeping .....
Not laying in bed....
Tossing ideas and turning.......
My current circumstances....
Into blame and put all that on me.......
I cant wait .....
It's never or right now ......
F...k it ....
I'm doin it .....
Immma get the bear......
Or come back
Impaired........
I don't care...  .
I got to try something...

Hopefully this won't hurt you as much as it did me
And in order to tell you this ......
I can't be me...
It's also imperitive
Don't just hear the noise
Resonating from my mouth
Make an active concious decision
To listen.
K?
You be you  
And I'll be frank..!
The person you're trying to be
Is not you ....
Furthermore what you think .  
Is not what people see .....
K!
Be you and see how many
Evaporate ....
Don't hate .  
Cherish the ones who stay

Within us lies.    
A spectrum wich lies.......
Telling us it ok ...
Once in awhile
To bend a little .......
Keep in mind .
It's the mirror who won't look you in the eyes......
Because you sabotage with compromise..........
weaken you ....
Basking in the shade of sorrows
Somehow down in the shadows of tomorrow's.........

So many facets
So many lines
Too many pending loves in my life ..........
Waiting........
Hold please........
Please ......
Dont go.....
Malicious virus.  
Im trying. ......
Im sorry .....
Wait please....
You are important to me .....
I ve eatin the mushroom that Alice gave me
Ive shrunk into
The map below us.
Im trying to reach you...  
I can hear you
I can see the problem up ahead ........
Please ..dont go
FATHER PLEASE. ...NO......
Its just an update ....and i can repair this avenue that connects me and you. ......
So so so sorry my friend
My long lost best friend ......
My Father my
Gosh how badly i wanna see you again .
Its my stupid software.
It doesnt recognise time....
Ill be there.....
Soon....
Workin on it Dad... .
Sorry had a few more things go wrong
Girls .......
Do you remember the time when ......
Dad ..?
You still there?

DAD.......?..

DAD!


NO ...
PLEASE?
DONT GO.

Please..........
Please...



Im shaking .....

Can you be like me?
Oh wait if you do
Let me distance myself
Eventually you're going to hurt me.....
And it's going to hurt  
A hundred times more  
And for a million years
And I'm not even gonna wanna be
anywhere near that mess
No no no
Not me
Not havin it
You can keep that ****.
I ain't even playing player
Naw
Uh awe ....
Keep that **** to your **** self
Fureal

You wanna be.
so you think
The one. ....  
everyone wants to be...
star struck.......
And the limelight .....
Is blinding
Fine line
In between!
It's tiring  
The silky threads
Dual purpose...
Adore you on the surface.
Until one of day
One fray and it becomes
sharp as a razors edge...
Being famous is the same as being infamous........
Like a vibrant flowering tree
You are disideous...
Winters knocking .. ..
You gonna answer it    ?

The book you reread
The silouett that defines beauty
The fragrance of hyacinth in full bloom
When you can't smile
I'll be there in PJs with you
Watchin Saturday morning cartoons
I am Peppy Le pue
Saying "where are you
My little dumpling?"
Then I find you and mess up your hair
And laugh as you swear at me
I say" HoweHowe  WEE WEE!
I lie awaiting you
I cry the tears
That fall when
I sing the songs
That make you
I am the mountain
In the spring time
The quaint challet
In the fall
And the one
Who would never let you
And if you did
The one to catch you.
The incoming tide
Queching the sand
My equal
The golden sunset
The one who sees no regrets
Respects your freewill
And forever loves you

You'll have to forgive me...
Or not !?!
Its up to you.
I guess it's my sorta ,
Pre apology,
For ...... Normality ....
In reality is a relative term
Encompassing innumerable
Shades and hues  
Within an endless ever expanding spectrum
In a constant state of flux......
Like modeling tuxedos in Bellevue ,
Seen on tv,
Then caught yourself on fire
Working two pairs of nunchucks
Drunk on you're parents patio
Cause their friends wanted a show.   ?
Next day did a bachelorette party
Got attacked by two cougars...
And held down while the rest of the pack did tequila shots off me...
Ok    that  was actually a good night .....
Weird ..... But good .  
Anyways I guess what I'm trying to say is
This....
You are a star
You are far more and greater than even you can imagine you are ..
Never let anyone tell you what or who you are ....
Don't accept the limits people try to put on you...
You be you ....
Catfish? (That's an attempt at humour... Gaaabeesh?
Er... Gabish .... Uhm capisce?)
K **** it so I'm not funny
..... Heh heh ... Ahhhh  uuh emm
I know you ....
People are so hung up and jealous  ...
They can't see" you" the way you do ,
Not the real you!
Because the ones who do.......
are small compared to you .
And so they will be-little you.
to make themselves look better than you..
Don't trip on haters who run under you. k?
You are bigger than that.
Right ?
You are not bitter you are better.
They will look like the fool
Be cool !be you !
The magic is in you
You know it's true
The only limits
Can only be set and broke by
.. you!

Restless dreams
Lazer beams
5 five Am
Swat teams ..... ....
trying to persuade Me.......
Saying.  ........you need to let us in........

I disagree............
"Can you come back later? ........"
Wellllllll ...I di

Hissing the the front window.  
The crescendo of broken glass
Quick silent pause ........
Brilliant flash.    
The answer came .........
Percussion grenade
Snot ,smoke ,...........
And the ringing..........
The ringing ..........
The ringing..................
Restless dreams ...... ..
Same anxiety ,same fear ..........
Terror rains can't breath.......
Tears and chest pains .......
..without fail
Every time my phone rings...

It's an invitation not an obligation.


I try to convince myself ........
Train my brain ..............
All In vain ...........
It  rings .
I answer .
I loose .
They're gain

Our want should not
Surpass our needs!
Prone to podsnappery ,
The term human race ,
Contrary to popular belief
Is not a  communal  competitive
Relay with the trophy of prosperity to all whomsoever
Shall win..... Infact there is no destination at all.
This gauntlet we run is tribunal!
Let me ask you this.......
Will "we" ever mean "all" ?
I mean it does when I say
We have to have something
To take the focus away from our deeds.
So the day we decided that we need a leader .......
Was a day of infamous treachery.
With our mouth  we said ,
"It is our wish to bow down and
Become followers......
In our hearts as individuals we said ," I don't want to be held accountable"!
My own heartbeat disturbs me
Like a muffled drum I hear the chant from everyone ,
So long ago ...... I guess it could be said that "our"ancestors  may have done some questionable things  .......
Listen ...... Not my family though ,
No!
And that's not me ......
We were on your side.....
Belief is in the eyes of the controller ....
Gass lit , "we "  "the people"
Pretend to be hypocrite,
eminent domain , manifest destiny!
Sons and daughters,
Mother's and father's elders and babies,
**** pillage and slaughter.......
Red man Blacks and Jews,
Just to remind you that even pedigrees have flees ....
"We" are nothing
As long as we follow the scapegoats bleats .
Sycophants in denial ,
We leave a trail of unimaginable grief ....... For what?
Money ? That isnt real!
Imaginary boundaries ?
"They" are different ?
"We" are better ?
Are we ?
Who are we?
I am me
Being different is what makes us the same.
Let's not try!
Let's "be" SAME TEAM"
It's my dream ..
I know I'm not the only one!

Considering worth ..........
Comes with difficulties
In perception.
Influxuation....
In variable depths leave
Seniments
Of subtle deception,
don't believe
What the looking  glass says  .....when
Looked darkly into .......
Brings out dark distractions.....
In reflection feelings are refractions.
reactions  which don't match intentions
Elongating the pendulums
Undulation
While we swing through the
Gauntlet between write
And rong ......
We loose sight .  ....... ........ And like a vapor
We are gone.  ...
Taking someone's world with us..........
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
Those that aren't worth their weight in salt...........insult
Those that actually are.........
Being braggadocios
Over exaggerating
The exact opposite of
What they claim to be......
Trust and believe.........
Their actions merit pitty  
After expiration......
Pleading for a stay of execution    .......
Beneath the throne..
Of the King of hate.............
As epochs roll on and on in
At the bottom of the furnace
the rotten  
Underbelly
Of the forgotten
Receiving
No clemency
For eternity.
...... ..... ..... .....  
You are worth more than you can understand ....
Live with it like you deserve it.

Don't take someone you don't want because you feel like that's all you can get cause ........
What you'll get is people that will take you .....
That's a lifetime of regret ....  

Never settle .....and just take what you can get . .
And keep that person's love
Untill something you want more comes along......

Because you will create a rift and an undercurrent .....that will take you. .
And it shall
Take you places you don't want to go.........
And when you go
You can never come back again . ............
Don't be
Unsettled

Some days the sun in full bloom
wallowing
in
what if we?
I have a tendency to get high on gloom
Loosing the better part of the day .
Getting drunk
On the doom
I create while drifting sideways
In
I should haves'
May as well
Say what the hell
I cant do anythin now its late afternoon
Yet some how i persuade myself to
Slither forth from the tomb
And recieve the
Browbeating i know I got comin to me.


Only to sleek back to my room with something to eat ........
And  heralding
With such conviction all the false promises of tomorrow
And make a mental list of excuses for the the dissapointmemts
That will surely
Follow
Then find solace in making the rest of the world feel a liitle better than......
Me


And slowly smiling as i melt into my phone untill the sun starts knocking and repeat

Dashed,shot down
and strewn about
Rummaging through ruins
Time burning
While I'm still,
Searching last known
Whereabouts..
This vast desolate plain
In vain ,
in the shadows
dunes of doubt ......
My love draught continues
From my
Relationshipwreck
I'm capsized in this ocean
Of tears I've cried ...
Treading water for years.
Introspective retrospect
I see the shore
I can swim .....
No more
I don't think I can touch yet
My desperation is my regret
Yesteryears I held love caviler
Too many I've hurt ....
I fear .....
Karma fallen for me
I am the debt