Thought I didn't need anyone
Turns out I just needed a mom
The black sheep
I was never apart
Furthest away from your heart
Things have changed
I'm growing old
I don't need you
You still feel cold
I'm out of sight
Out of mind
I don't need you, I'll do alright
I don't need your blessings
Or your cash
Without your help I'll make a splash
Land on my feet woth a crash
I'm happier than ever
My life's brand new
And most of all
I'm not like you.
© 4 years ago, Shaq Jordan Otto   life  
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Masked Man
You think no one sees you, but you are wrong; i do; though I shouldn't.
You wear what you perceive to be a mask
A mask of what you show to others
Made up of bright colors
Colors that match all your friends
Those friends you discovered are foes
With hideous all crooked nose
In terrible greed and green
All covered in filth and obscene
I have never seen you wearing your mask
I see who you are underneath
And even so
I have never seen your eyes blink
Those eyes
They stare with a stare that transfixes me into staring
Lost eyes. Seeing eyes
You are different
You feel smells, and breath colors
You love with you thoughts
And somehow, I see you
I really see you
I read you
It's not a mask
It's a shield
Hiding the deeper thoughts
The darker places
The dreams of death
Lost loves and solitude
Surrounded by people every night
You feel more alone than ever in your mind
Because you never let anyone in...not anymore
For their sake and your sake
You never again let anyone see behind the mask
SOmetimes I wonder if you like it that way
You know the advantages of welding words
You enjoy playing the dark mysterious corner
As well as you do the light of the party
But no matter who you play, no matter what mask
you wear, you always hide bits of yourself. \
Pieces that should be pressed,
Parts that you trap inside yourself the mask like a lid...
Just do go there, you push aside the things like they mean nothing.
And you think n one notices.
But I do.
I see you with you unblinking eyes
I read you, between the lines.
I hear you, when you don't say a word
The man, the mask, are nothing together
Without their shared secrets.

You are blind
You can never see
All the anger built up in me
I hated life
I wanted out
You didn't care
You would just shout.
I felt so alone
Thought I didn't need anyone
Turns out I just needed a mom
The black sheep
I was never apart
Furthest away from your heart
Things have changed
I'm growing old
I don't need you
You still feel cold
I'm out of sight
Out of mind
I don't need you, I'll do alright
I don't need your blessings
Or your cash
Without your help I'll make a splash
Land on my feet with a crash
I'm happier than ever
My life's brand new
And most of all
I'm not like you.

Old friends now seem lost, taking risks, do whatever they feel and living life at any cost. I try to speak truth but all the things i used also do. is there more to life just getting high to get by, I'm just happy the light has hit my eyes. Things that i see, remind me of past history, had to make a change for myself, don't wanna end up on cemetery. Some are too far in and to deaf to hear my words, i give them advise, but from me it sounds absurd. I guess I can only save myself but that isn't enough. Don't want people I care about to be living rough. As I go on I hope for the best, not to go back to old ways i struggle with everything I have left. If any are smart they will join in and so what is right, realize life is to precious and we don't need drugs and crime to fight.

Why is my only way to express myself with this ink?
Why are these words on paper the only way I'm able to tell you how I think?
Why do I think what I think?
Why did I pour myself another drink?
Why does lie pass by with what seems to be one blink?
What's my life's missing link?
If I sink who has my back?
If I start to slack who will keep me on track?
Are they just trying to bask in the glory?
Are they just trying to live off of my story?
Are my prayers heard?
Will my gurl always say these three words?
Could I reword my slurs?
Could I stop flipping that bird?
Why do I prefer it stirred not shaken?
How come what I say seems to alway be mistaken?
How do I keep my time not wasted?
How do I keep my life sizzling hot like bacon grease?
How do I release my animosity?
Is it just a bad temper?
Or am I throwing tantrums?
If not you then who will tell me to man when I need to hear thast?
How do I overcome my fears?
How do I sleep?
Is insomnia forever?
Is there a better?
Is it greener on the other side?
Would if the other side is just as rotten as this one?
Is tomorrow a new day?
Do I hold a promising future?
Can I just run away?
How do I know when I've arrived in away?
Is there ever really a way?
Should I pray?
Will she meet me halfway?
Is there a sale on answered prayers today?

Do I remain the way I am?
Or do I become the beast that lies within?
How do I let this go?
Should I leave or should I stay?
What's the point of you and I anymore?
Can I look past how you played me for a fool?
And how you lied to straight to my face?
When we first started dating, you seemed different,
How can I tell you any different from the rest now?
Why is it that now I can't even look at you the same way I did before?
Why did you lie to me about something that could stop me from becoming a father?
Did you mean to do this to me or were you unaware of this certain thing?
Why did I put my all into this when in the end it ended up with the same result?
Do you honestly care that you did this to me?
What made you look at me any different from him?
How can you live the way you do, knowing that you could take a pre-life at any minute?
How do I overcome my fear of death again?
If i die who has my back?
Should I give it God to deal with?
Do I ask for forgiveness?
How do I forgive her?
Is there a way past this?
How do I release all this anger?
Do I let her see my pain?
Should I release all my real thoughts on her?
Should I just run away?
Would it be bad if I just disappear?
If I leave who would truly miss me?
When I'm laying on my death bed who's really gonna be there?
If I die tomorrow, where am I going?
Is there a Heaven for someone like me?
If there's a place for someone like me, where is it at?
Should I stop writing about this?
Should I give up on poetry?
When I write, my heart is with every word, but why am I writing if there's no reason to my words?
Would i do it to anyone else?
If I die tomorrow, who would honestly read my poetry?
And if they read it would they feel my pain?
What that being said, would you as the reader be able to contain all my pain?

As i sit here & try to remember you
I have nothing, there's no memories; hopeless
All there is, is an empty thought
It's just me & my older brother loneliness
Can't think of time when you there,
my first fist fight,
My first basketball game,
My first 18 years of life,
You were nowhere to be found in my heart or sight
Always felt so alone in a battle
That I know I was gonna lose to the streets
It seems like i've always got my back to the wall
And the world on my shoulders
I tried to fight this battle over and over
But i never seem to win
So I'm done fighting
Time to move on for good
i want to be happy & not angry
So i do love you DAD
You're in my past
I lost many battles
But I'm going to win the war
No doubt
I'm nothing like you
All my life never know what I was about
You didn't even try
So I'm taking the time to say
DAD, Goodbye!!!

Someone who won't take you through what I did
A person who has a better personality and a amazing heart,
A man that will make it to where you don't have to look to anyone else for comfort
That someone who will make you feel like your whole, not just a part.
You deserve better than a man like me
You deserve better than someone who doesn't betray your trust,
You deserve better than what you had
You deserve someone who will be there when day to night and dawn to dust.
You know I'll always be here for you
You know that I'm no good
Your heart is all that i wanted
Its to precious to be torn, shattered, and broke.
You deserve all the love
You deserve to laugh
You deserve to smile
You deserve of all things.
You deserve to not have any fears
You deserve better than Sha'Quille Otto
You deserve...