Nobody knows what I go through
I wish they could put themselves in my shoes
They see a cover that is rough ridged and messed up
Not knowing that deep down side
There's more to the story that most don't know
More than anyone could possible think of
Losing everything and everybody to my flaws
Loneliness is the mark of my life
Waking up with more than I can bear
Going day by day dealing with the same on my mind
Trying to figure out how to make things right
But to be completely honest there's no way I could make it right
I've done to much to even think I could do such a thing
Family and friends are now gone
Thoughts and feelings are all I have left
They don't know what I'm going through
Knowing they don't give a **** if I live or if I die
Don't care what happens to me..not now not ever
Ask, think, or wonder what's going on in my life
They just see a smile on my face and a man who isn't worth the time
They never tried to understand who I am as a person
Nobody Knows!!!
And they will never know.

Why do these memories haunt my every thought? Memories that I once cherished are now those in which they haunt my every thought. Which lays in the back of my head is the memories that I want to become reality but once you have it you wont get it back; second chances are give to those who already had more chances that they could ask for. How do you deal with these memories; trying to replace them with every opportunity you get or do you let time do what is necessary and fade away from those memories. I want these memories to be forgotten. To vanish from the back of my head; nothing good comes from these memories but pain and misery; of my own creation. I created these haunting memories and now I have to deal with them. Being the created of your own pain and regret is worse thing to me. Cause with creation comes destruction; destruction is the end of the cycle. Trying to build a foundation while deep down inside your being destroyed piece by piece; it may last a lifetime but by the end of the lifetime you'll be nothing and have nothing but destruction will remain no matter what.
Creation isn't always a good thing; creation can cause chaos and within that chaos comes the end of it which is destruction. Destruction is a structiure that is broken down to pieces unseen by the eye; sometimes these pieces are more within which only one eye of the can see. Beyond the sight of others to where one can see within where the broke pieces are seen; creation then destruction isn't just a rhyme; to me its the realest. Because this creation is what will make my destruction the reality of my life. No one knows what they create until they see it within themselves. When a person sees the creation then destruction within themselves that's when a person has became their own creater within the created; they can see the structure of who they are become destruction and watch their life crumble within themselves. Probably thinking I'm ** insane; in reality I'm medically sane. I see what others cannot see within myself. I see my creation then destruction every time I look in the mirror; every time my mind takes me to the point of who I became. The question I ask myself every second of everyday………WHO AM I?

When I look at myself from a different point of view I tend to see someone that I can't stand
It's a face who has fallen to the trails & tribulations of life
Someone who has no patience nor never will have any
A face who has something so deep and dark inside that it's impossible to face
Monster, creature, or whatever it maybe there's someone who isn't who is the other person
Some people call this a disorder, some people call this 2 faces 1 body
Stepping outside of who I really am and stepping into that person would mean that I no longer care for humanity
This face has no fears, no cares, and nobody but himself
If you were to encounter this face how would you react?
Knowing that someone has 2 faces 1 body without letting it be shown
How could the other face let those who he loves know this without being a * up
Nobody there's because nobody cares; especially if they knew who this person was
A face that nobody would recognize, a face that is unknown to even God
A reflection of this face may make the other face seem like a *
Having 2 faces 1 body isn't a disorder, it's my way of blocking whatever it maybe so nobody would ever figure out
You or anyone that knows this would look at the 1 face and then see the other face and think that ain't right

What is life if you can't go on with it?
What is love if you can't get it right?
I don't know what to do anymore
When I try it's nothing but the same results
I don't know if I should be here?
Maybe I should take the blade and end it all
Where should I be if I didn't even go with you?
What should I do? Should I let go?
Wake up every morning with a fake smile and pretend as though I'm happy.
Trying to find my path where I belong;
Getting lost with every step and decision I make.
Nobody understands how I feel deep down inside
Nobody can ever look at me and see what I see
I don't know who I can turn to for advice or just to talk,
Every day I wake up with the same regrets and pains that I created for myself; do I give in to what lays in the back of my mind?
Oh no!
It's been a while since I felt like myself;
Walking in shoes that aren't mine, pretending as if everything where I stand is okay when I belong somewhere else.
Nobody see the tears I cry, because it's the path I choose; so forgive me for being selfish.
Trying to hold on but growing weaker; I'm slowly dying, the day I'm laying under ground I'll be fine.
So many years of fighting my burdens, giving all I have and yet they always seem to win.
I had a purpose but now I have nothing, wish I was having a nightmare but I'm living my reality.

In order to start change you must make the choice to be willing to change
Choices start from the heart then the mind follows
Changes happen after a person realizes that what the affect was on them and those who surround them
Once that certain person begins to start making the right choices then the progress will slowly affect the person
No matter how bad or good the choice may be, you're always left with a choice
After the choice there's always a reaction to whatever action may be, it's left up to you for the outcome
The outcome will always be left up to you, make good choices and good outcome; make bad choices and you get bad outcomes
Change doesn't happen over night or in an blink of an eye, it will take time and willingness to learn what is necessary to change
Not all change is for the good, many people fail to realize that change can be bad results
Not due to the willingness or the time but the focus of which matter is off the right direction and leads to only chaos and destruction
Many of us don't think about where an action my lead, some of us think before we act and that is the difference between right and wrong
With every choice that is choose it leads you to a place that is unknown, darkness or the lightness is the only two options you have
Choices always start from the within, meaning the heart, the soul, and the spirit; without these 3 being focused on the choices to change
there's no point in trying to change
The heart is the muscle that controls who you are
The soul is beyond our reach, it is the one thing that is unique about us as humans
The spirit is higher power inside of us, either from above or from below;
When all of you is one then the change will affect you and those surround you allot more than what it did before
But without your whole self then the choices to change become pointless; you'll just become a creation of your own self destruction
By making choices to change you must have the right mindset and know what you want in life.

Why would anyone look at me and see something other than destruction and dysfunctional individual
Someone that has no sense of what he doing until it's too **** late
That doesn't realize the opportunity of which he faces on a daily basis.
On the other hand, you have a woman who regrets everything and never meant the attachment in what followed
Although things may seem like one thing it the complete opposite; that's where I fit in at this so called life
Not knowing the difference between sane and insane nor knows when things aren't meant to happen
I know I ain't * nor will I ever be good enough; not for you in any case in the matter of who I am
There may be times I don't deserve a **** thing especially not what I want and desire the most,
Love is a thing that I don't understand and to be honest I never will, it's too **** complex plus it was never meant for me
When you look my way that is where you * up and make the mistake of ever thinking about loving me,
Loving any idea or thought that passes your mind you have become the insane
Not because of who you are but for the person of an idea who you have chosen to make eye contact
I have no idea of what you nor any woman that I cross paths with could possibly see in a black hole,
Something but yet inside of someone, destroying everything in it's path without any emotions nor personalities
Attachment is something that follows after encountering a person or thing that interests you in spiritual, physical, or emotional
Regret is describe as reaction after action as already been done and settled with
These are all what I am not and there may be a time where I am act on these but to be in reality it must be proved.
What made any woman see what you see in me?
Why do people do what people do?

Loving the ideas of someone you say you love
Allot of us tend to love what a person can do for there instead of who they are to you
Making the word love just something to say to keep that someone in your mind game
Not caring aboout the sequences that follow your actions
Many of us desreve it but someof us actually do mean good
Although there maybe a thin line between love and lust
Love can sometimes be mistaken and mislead to what love really is
Is loving someone putting them before you put yourself?
Is love the things you do or the things you say?
Maybe love takes sides depending on the situation that we are faced with?
All these are just ideas, something that comes through our minds that we tend to think are love
Not knowing is a fear, false evidence appearing to be real
Some ideas are better than others, those ideas are the destructive thoughts and actions of what follows.
Ideas of love can mislead as something or someone that has not true purpose in this world
There's the good, the bad, and the ugly; then the ones that are between the lines
That's where the secrets and actions of those ideas that force certain things and people to the point
of where I sit as i write this.