i hear them yell
yell with no remorse
yell at the top of their lungs
and though distance covers me
i still cant get myself to sleep
i still think about it
i should have stopped the fight
but the 9 year old me had no might
and though time has flied by
it still haunts me at night

I wouldn't limp around
ask you how your day went
though I am desperate to  know of  your every second
I would act confuse when you ask a question about yourself
so you wouldn't know how I treasure all of our moments
I would kiss you back and act like i don't care
so my dear  you wouldn't be aware-

of the void you could fill
of the way i fail to breath
of the way my heart fails to beat
of the way when i try to write a poem
its you all that i can think

i love you in the shadows
i love you in the dark
i love you when you think none's watching
i love you when you think they are
i love you oh i love you but you'd never know that
my love is enough for you to not return it back
but my heart isn't brave enough to confess all of  that-

you and me we'd never work
sounds silly but you kiss too soft
you carry an umbrella for "just incase"
I love nothing more than to dance in the rain
you settle for just enough
while I want to feel too much

I am a broken vase you see
a vase that would  pour regardless how much you fill
we'd build a house where no story lies
we'd see each other but with no sparkle in  eyes
its  not love you feel
and one day you too will see
you'd kiss me but just with your lips
but I want a kiss with a wrecked whole heart
my love we are world's apart
and in our case opposites don't attract

you would be you
and I would be me
but we would never be us
that's why  we'd never work
so lets say the goodbye before it hurts

you made me hate tickles
hated how you'd slid your fingers onto me and touch
and all I ever could do was laugh
hated how no-one noticed
how I was gasping for air
kicking you back hoping you'd stop

but no you continued
and you tickled me some more

my liver began to crumble
I wanted to scream " pls don't do it "
but there was no room for my words
none noticed the screams
they assumed it was just laughter

its not the tickles i hate
just  the fact that now when someone touches
I flinch every time
just the fact how hugs are enlisted as
injustice crimes in my mind

no, its not the tickles I hate
just the mnemonic memory that plays in my  brain
just the fact whenever its dark I somehow see your face
just that you robbed all of my innocence
with none of my consent

sometimes I just want it to stop
not for it to end
just enough for me to catch a little breath
just enough to keep up with the rest
just enough to laugh so hard my tummy starts to ache
just enough to enjoy those little moments, without worrying what's coming next
just enough to find myself again
just to know what I'm living for
before everything is too late

I deny myself,
deny the "what if's" no longer exist
deny admitting that i still think of the possibilities
deny the fact i still want us to speak

i pretend to have moved on
pretend that the song is JUST a song
pretend that the smell of dark wood
DOESNOT remind me of you
pretend that those little things are too little to remember
pretend that i love my newfound "freedom"

but how could i forget
about all those glances we met?
those glances that could change my entire day
how could i forget
about those words still stuck in my throat?
no matter how hard i try to swallow
it always refuses to go

now im just stuck
stuck between rembering and trying not to remember you
but those little things are  infact big
big enough to hold my present
force me to revisit the memory

how could i move ahead
from the love i kept alltogether to myself?
from the love i never got to confess?