One day we were talking and everything just felt perfect and he gave me signs too, signs that he liked me, signs that he felt the same way, signs that he was hoping for something i was hoping for too and then he just stopped. He hasn't viewed my messages, he hasn't replied to me and it has been two days. TWO FREAKING DAYS. And if he was like this from the first day there would be a part of me that would have understood a part of me that would have prepared a part of me that would not be as clueless as i am now. After sharing beautiful moments after showing me signs after allowing my delusions to feed in he decides to just STOP. stop with no warning stop with no instructions stop with no label stop with no directions and i am here puzzled and confused and hurt and embarrassed if i knew it would have ended up like this i wouldn't have told my friends you were the guy for me i wouldn't have replayed our moments in my head and giggle like a little girl I wouldn't have had expectations but you allowed it. You gave me hope. If you had never felt the same way about me, why did you talk, why did you laugh, why did you look, why did you do the things you did? And the part that wounds the most is when you left with no explanation. And now I am here stupidly foolishly making excuses for you. Losing the last shred of my dignity I am still here waiting for you and I've never been the one to wait. Never been the one to dwell, never been the one to look back. I'm not sad because I loved you to be frank I never loved you but I knew I knew I could love you and I knew you could love me too. I knew we would be perfect. I knew we would have been epic. I knew we would have worked and I knew you knew it too and now I'm feeling like a fool foolishly believing that you knew it too a fool foolishly believing you felt it too a fool foolishly believing you hoped for it too. But was I truly a fool because I saw the way you looked? Your eyes spoke to me and I know when eyes lie and when they don't and your eyes didn't lie. Your eyes didn't lie when you took a glance at me and remembered our talks we had that night. And I heard it too. I heard it in the voice messages you sent. I heard in your little giggles I heard it in your sarcasm. I heard it and I swear I did. And I've always had a way with people to see the truth in them way to see what they truly meant but you fooled me in a way i still cant believe i was a fool. Even after all this evidence i still don't feel like a fool for believing you felt it too.

I am a clay
not molded yet
so spare me your words
for I still haven't bathed
in my sun's caressing touch
I'll crumble apart
if you touch too hard
so spare me your breath
for I am a clay
still not molded yet
touch me soft
and paint me pretty
hold me close
and see me gently
for i still haven't felt
the warmth of my sun's embrace
for i am a clay
still not molded yet
pour the rain
yell at my wrongs
the day I'll meet my sun
for then I could hold your tears
without drowning myself in them
for now
please don't grip me tight
don't hide me away from light
for i want to see the day
when I'll be a pretty ceramic

when the air remains untouched by you
I'll stop cutting trees
when you no longer can hear
I'll learn what my word means
when you no longer own the name
I'll call out from near and far
when you no longer have a shadow
I'll search underneath the dark
when you are cold and bare
I'll miss the warmth you sew
when you are six feet under
I'll look above for you

and i don't want to be the moon
i want to be a star
how they all are dead
and yet they spark
and spark so big
and light so bright
and all because a tiny hydrogen
decides to collide

everybody talks about life. how great and how sad it is at times but nobody seems to elucidate the dread of living your life on sidelines. how painful it is to let every moment slip up for the hopes of it all.
we forget to feel to see to hear to sense in general. the morning rushed and evenings quiet nights hollow and words a burden  the expectations shattered, prayers unanswered and wishes that never met this truly all what we possess? and with all that time still ticks and we forget to live those little moments. we are all quite aware that this is our last life,  the last breath the last fight so why why are we in such a rush. as a kid restlessly waiting for being a teenager as a teen agitated to become young adults and as young adults dreaming for a quiet tranquil seniority and as elderly craving for the sweet  age of innocence and carelessness. this is your life your view your opinions your thoughts your air your breath your words so sink sink in deep feel it intensely declare it profoundly live. and as you are there sinking back in the realm of momentarily funny reels and stuck in the painted picture of others in social media i want you to take a deep breath the deepest you could breath hold it as long as your lungs could possibly could and exhale it as loud as you can immense yourself too and promise promise the little one the little zygote that cried in the embrace  of your mother The tiny spark that fed on the umbilical cord—the little zygote that braved the trek through your mother’s ****** to start your story. promise promise you will experience promise you will escapade promise you will embrace  promise you will feel and promise you will perceive. promise you will live.

its always a step close
and a mile back
one misplaced foot
and a thousand atoms far
an elephant in the room
but we pretended it was just us
one white lie
is all it took to be apart
a question that lingered
that we never dared to ask
a story that was never read
we judge covers too fast
walking on blind path
with hopes that never really lasts
visioning the future
with the faintest of light
but the future will never come
even the brightest stars die

They said as the girl grows
the less the father knows
the once daddy's little princess
would be a conniving *****
and he wouldn't be superman
just a man who screams and hits

and as she sees the world
she wouldn't see just a father
she'd see an uncle a husband a man
and question is she was in a trance
a trance thinking he will always be a savior
till one day he comes home not sober

and he starts being conservative
to protect her from eyes like his
unknown that she has seen enough
he doesn't know about the hands that laid
how she screamed "dad come help"
hoping he'd save the day
but alas he isn't there
he's in a far away land
a land where her grades are slipping away
doors locked and room always a mess
how she learned to talk back
slam doors, hit walls
so he lays a hand too
and names it "discipline"
now she dreams to leave the house she knows
she's behind the locked doors waiting for eighteen