Yes I'm grateful I can't drink
First time in my life I can honestly think
I've drank way more than my share
It was just one big scare after scare
I had only two choices left
Put down the bottle
Or face death
I guess I wasn't ready to die
I'm still here
with no want for that glass of cheer
my life might not be perfect
But I cannot complain
I have a new freedom
I'm happy again !

I’m the tire
With the slow leak

I’m the balloon
With the pinhole

I’m the engine
Without gas

I’m the heart
Without a beat

I’m the phone
That never rings

I’m the voice
That never sings

I’m the bird
That never flies

I’m the angel
With no wings
*
Who am I?
A Broken Soul

How do you start trusting again?
After being beat up
Knocked down
Heart ripped out and cut into tiny pieces
How do you forgive?
How do you go on?
How do you fall in love again?
Are any of these things possible?
Or, do we accept our fate
Alone
Unloved
The walking dead
No one can touch me
I’m breathing
But I’m not alive
My heart and soul have died

Another New Year
Whoop-de-do
I could care less
How about you?
Just another year
To ***** up again
No resolutions
No light at the end
Take out the hats
And the noisemakers too
Now you know just what to do
Watch the ball drop
Toast the champagne
Soon you will be feeling no pain
Another New Year
To feel all alone
This New Year’s Eve
I’m just staying home

I have to stop running
I can’t keep up this pace
I’m running and running
But there is no race
Vacation after vacation
It still doesn’t fill the hole
Moving’s an option
I’m on a roll
A road to destruction
That’s what everyone tells me
Stay put for now
Things will work out
I’m tired of waiting
That’s why I run
Running for happiness
When did this depression begun?
I can’t find peace
wherever I go
I’ll keep running for now
That’s all I know….

I look out the window
The gray tarp covers the sky
I sit and wonder why
This time of year
Everything looks bleak
I look for the sun
Blue skies I do seek
There’s never a rainbow
Without the rain
Remember that
It helps the pain
So I wait and I smile
Waiting for the rainbow to appear
It’s dark and dismal
The silence I can hear
I long for the sun
Just a glimpse would be nice
It’s all just a fantasy
Sugar and spice

I don’t know where I am half the time
I lose myself in a rhyme
It’s easier than facing real life
Better than picking up that knife
So I sit and I write
About things that matter to me
Sometimes they’re true
Sometimes just mystery
Either way
The stories unfold
Little specs of gold
My sorry life
In rhyme is told

Hate is such a strong word
Like death
It feels so permanent
So drastic
And we use hate so freely
I hate this, I hate that
Is it really hate we feel
Or dislike
Distaste
So many other words we could use
But we choose hate
Do we love enough?
We sure do hate enough...

I keep believing I will find my true love
That special soul that fits like a glove
I won't give up
Although things seem bleak
My true love, I still do seek
I'll continue believing till the day I die
I'm too tired to run, too tired to cry
Where or where is my true love
I look for signs, I saw a dove
I know my soul mate is waiting too
I'll keep looking my darling, until I find you

Walking the path
Like any other day
How beautiful the sky
A great day to play
The river glistening in the morning sun
Birds are singing for everyone
It was a perfect morning
As I breathed in the dew
Not a worry in the world
I'm finally over you

I can't go back to the life that I had
Guilt and shame
Suffering and pain
Lie after lie
Day after day
No one believed me
Why would they?
Sincere at the time
But overwhelming was the crave
It didn't take long before I would  cave
I woke up again and again
Only to do it all over again
The bottle was my only friend
I get on my knees and pray
I'll never again have to live this way

I really hate reality
It *****, it stinks, it doesn’t work for me
I’d much rather drown
In my bottle of JD
A couple more pills, now that works for me!
I’ll drink some more
And smoke some too
I have nothing else to do
I’ll just get hammered
Until I can’t see
Blackouts are very familiar to me
I don’t have to think
I don’t have to talk
Hell, I can’t even walk
So what’s so bad about my life?
I have no idea
So put down the **** knife!

Everywhere I go, there are couples all around
Everyone paired up, I can feel the sound
Of love in the air
Love everywhere
Are they better than me?
How can that be?
They tell me I’m pretty
They tell me I’m great
So why do I feel so much hate
Toward all those couples
Smack the smiles off their face
I give up on the human race

She sat in her room
Crunched up in her bed
Pulling the covers up over her head
Mom was out
Dad wasn't far
She sat and listened for his car
The sitter downstairs didn't have a clue
She was scared again
But what could she do?
No one would believe her
That’s what she felt to be true
She’d be quiet and not cry
God only knew what he'd do
She heard the car park
The door open and close
She was all alone now
No one around
She heard the footsteps
Coming up the stairs
She went deeper under the covers
Hoping to be spared
Then he came into her room
Reeking of *****
She knew what was next
As she pretended to snooze
He reached under the blankets
And grabbed her nightgown
She closed her eyes, and didn't make a sound
She went to the happy place in her head
Never noticing when he left her bed
She never came out
She stayed in that place
They thought she was crazy
She was so out of place
No one ever knew
The horror she'd been through
At ten she was done with it all
She was numb, she'd hit the wall
She picked up the knife
Didn’t feel a thing
Slipped into bliss
He couldn't touch her again

Who are you
Who am I
You say I'm the sparkle in your eye
You say you love me
But words don't speak the truth
Actions do, I see none from you
We're not on the same page
not even in the same book
Should we let each other off the hook?
Stubborn, both you and me
We want what we wan't
We won't compromise
This really comes as no surprise
You go your way
And I'll go mine
We weren't meant to be
We missed our time

Why did you leave me here all alone
Under the bridge that we called home
I'm tired and hungry, covered with dirt
Every bone in my body hurts
We ran away together
Forever was our plan
I know things were tough
Is that why you ran?
You left me here during the night
I don't understand, I'm so full of fright
I stumble toward the street on a mission for food
That's when I saw the silhouette of you
Your body lay lifeless, you were facing down
A puddle of blood covered the ground
Who do I call
I don't have a phone
I collapse to the ground, one never-ending groan
How I wish I could go back in time
Where you and I still did shine
Now what do I do
Without you
I lay on the ground and cry
For all the lost days and days gone by

How did I get here
I have no idea
I'm shaking terribly
There's ringing in my ears
I lie in this strange bed
Nothing else in the room
Walls are blank white
I'm filling up with gloom
Who got me to this place
I want to know now!
Did I take a plane?
I must have, but how?
Here comes a nurse
Maybe she'll know why I'm here
Do I dare ask her, I'm still full of fear
I'm back in rehab she tells me
In a far away state
I've been here two days she said
As she hands me a plate
I start to cry
I start to scream
This has to be a really bad dream
I'm in rehab again
Miles from home
Once again
All alone
When will I get it
I'm so full of fright
I give up this time
I'm ending this fight

To be free

I'm waiting for the day
When I am ok
With just being alone
Just me in my home
Will the day come when I don't think of you
Do you think of me
I'm still under your spell
I need to break free
I look towards the pillow you used to rest your head
I get so angry I want to burn up the bed
Everything reminds me of you
No matter where I go or what I do
I'm waiting for that day
When memories of you have faded away
And I can be happy
Just being me

The knife is my friend
It gives pleasure and pain
When I cut, I feel alive once again
The scars are my war wounds
There are too many to count
I can’t keep track
They continue to surmount
I’m told I should stop
This behavior is “Bad”
All this does is make me mad
They don’t understand
I have to fill this hole
This thing has taken over my soul
I cut and I cut
Until I pass out
The pleasure, the pain
To this I’m devout

I dance on the edge
Always taking a chance
Longing for just a little romance
I want you, you don’t want me
That’s just how it’s going to be
You won’t get involved
Yet you say that you care
I feel like a kid
It just isn’t fair!!
I must move on
And dance some more
Waiting for my true love
To show up at my door
Come in, it’s open…

I believe in Santa
Crazy you say?
I've seen his reindeer and his shinny red sleigh
I sit by the fire, with cookies and milk
wrapped in a blanket, eyes starting to close
I know he is coming
I don't want to doze!
The scene is set
The snow is falling
The tree is sparkling
The fire is crackling
Santa is coming
I know it, I do
I have one wish for Christmas, and that wish is you

I woke up gasping
Pillow over my head
I couldn’t scream
I was pinned to the bed
He pulled my nightgown up over my head
I couldn’t see his face
He ***** me, over and over again
Helpless and scared
Hoping just to survive
He finally left
I was still alive
Who do I call
What do I do
Will anyone believe me
I can still barely move
I lie in my bed
Going over in my head
Was it something I did
Is there something I should have done
Will he come back
Do I need to run
I know at this moment, I’ll never be the same
How do I go on living, with this terrible shame

You know you need to change
But how do you start?
It has to come straight from the heart
No one can tell you what to do
It has to come from within you
Sometimes it takes life or death
When it’s hard to even take a breath
The pain was so great
I was confused
I just knew there was something I had to do
I picked up the phone
And my journey began
I called out for help, when I could have ran
Thank God for that day
That call saved my life
I picked up the phone, instead of the knife
We all have a choice
To climb out of the hole or stay in the pain
Pick up the phone, you have everything to gain

I ain't too pretty
I ain't too bright
But I know good lovin
And how to treat a man right
Give me a chance, to take you to the moon
And when we're spent we'll snuggle and spoon
I'll do anything you want
A strip tease, a pole dance
Come on baby, give me a chance
I ain't too pretty
I ain't too bright
But I promise you
One Hell of a night!

Tiss the season
To be jolly and bright
Why can't I seem to come into the light
Only darkness surrounds me
No joy can I see
Another year coming
All I foresee is never ending gloom
I can't leave my tomb
So I won't
I'll stay in bed
Sorting through the **** in my head
This too shall pass
I want to know when
I can enjoy life, start living again
Tiss the season
For all of you
It’s not for me
I don't know what to do
Slit my wrists?  I'll mess that up
Drink and drug?  If I can lift the cup
For now I'll just stay in bed
No need to worry, I'm already dead

I want to kiss you,
lick you,
from head to toe
taste your sweat
touch your glistening glow
up and down your body
is where I want to be
I'll take off my clothes
do you like what you see?
Let me take you baby
on the floor, on the chair
are you ready for me
do you dare?
I have all day, and all night too
and lots of ideas
of what I want to do to you...
are you man enough
to take the chance
at some hot and steamy, crazy romance?
I'll be gone in the morning
so don't be afraid
I ask of nothing
come on, be brave
I'll rock your world
no strings attached
then on to the next
what's better than that?

me me me
it's all about me
hehehe
can't you see
get me this
get me that
better put on your waiters hat
hehehe
cause it's all for me
can't you see, me me me
once you do it will set you free
hehehe
it's all about me
where would you be
without me?

Another day
Feeling this way
Why am I here?
Do I surve a purpose in life
I'm a mother, not a wife
My son is older
he needs me less
My parents are dead
I'm such a mess
I'm supposed to be happy and grateful they say
I'm still trying to find my way
Tiss the season to be jolly
I cringe when I see mistletoe and holly
I may never, till the day I die
find my peace, so I'll continue to cry

I guess being just me isn't good enough
what should I change
my hair, a new cut a new style
my face, a little botox wouldn't hurt
my body, a few pounds to gain I've been told
Quiet down a bit, I'm too excited
So what do I do
to be good enough for you?
and do I really care?
I'm not changing my hair
or my face
or my body
or anything about me
Cause maybe, just maybe
you're not good enough for me!

I must be the luckiest ******* this earth
I have so much to be thankful for
Family, friends, and so much more
He's always with me
He gives me strength
No need for self pitty and low self esteem
I have it all, and more yet to be seen
I will rejoice
And be full of glee
For one day at a time
I can be happy

Tears keep coming
Like faucets turned on high
Rain falling like buckets
I can't dry my eyes
Eventually I'll be all cried out
Wondering what it was all about
Cleanse my body
Cleanse my soul
The tears can't fill this gaping hole
I'll be ok, that's what they say
I'll stick around for another day
And pray....

I want to go
Where there's rainbows and butterflies
Bunny rabbits and kittens
Where the sun is always shining
Warm and breezy, no need for mittens
Horses run free
Sandy beaches for miles
Not a day would go by
without a big smile
No one to judge me
Peace and serenity surround
Like a soft fluffy blanket
Keeping me safe and sound
Mountains and waterfalls
Beautiful trees
I pray for these things
As I drop to my knees

I give up
I don't want to play
I know you're a drifter
You'll never stay
Just breaking hearts wherever you go
I gave you mine, I didn't know
Pieces of my heart spread like shrapnel on the ground
I've lost myself, I cant be found
The aftermath of the tornado that came through
That tornado, it was you

My girlfriends are there to pick me up when I'm down
Help me put back the broken pieces scattered all around
I can't count on a man
They all break my heart
Too many scars
No room for one more
If you are a man
Step away from my door
I give up, I'm done
Too tired to run
I have no heart to break, it's been played like a toy
You've done your job well, it's already destroyed

I wait all alone
Here by the phone
Waiting for your ring
My hearts ready to sing
I guess it's time for me to move on, the ring never comes
I thought this time you were the one
Wrong again
When will I get it right
When will I be able to sleep through the night
"Ring, ring"
You have one missed call...

It's 3am, wide awake, can't sleep
All through the house, I can't hear a peep
Cars going by
People just coming home
Here I lie in bed, all alone
Slept to much
Once again
I'm lost and lonely
I miss my lover, my friend
They say I'm depressed
I don't know why
All I do is sleep and cry
I pull the covers over my head
Perhaps I'd be better off dead

If I could just strip away
All the superficial crap
Am I too thin
Am I too fat?
Old
Young
Pretty
Ugly
Too outgoing
Too shy....
This is how I'm judged, I dare wonder why
If you could see past this cover, into my soul
You will find nothing less than a heart of gold
Peel away the layers, see what lies within
It's a beautiful butterfly, with a broken wing

I woke up this morning
To a new day
Fresh and clean
Can I keep it that way?
I long to be happy
Enjoy life, be carefree
It just never seems to work out for me
But today is a new day
A new chapter to start
Nothing to hold me back now
I can rock it off the charts
I hit my knees
Continue to pray
Please Dear God
Let today be the day