How can I become more of myself?
What can I give?
Have I given enough ?
Whose eyes should I borrow ?
And what shoes should I walk in ?

Judgement does not keep company with truth;
Have I cleared my mind?
Have I opened it wide enough ?
What perspectives need to be placed down?

What do you do with love someone will not take?

Where do you place it ?

How should you feel ?

Everyone has their own heart and it is not their fault their does not love yours.

I need someone who genuinely cares about me
who doesn’t need to will themselves to love me, but that in their heart knows they would like to greet each day by my side

I need a hand sometimes. I can handle my own, but it would nice to have someone show up for me.

To take a walk with or invite me out for cup of tea

Someone who wants to know how I am doing. If I am okay?someone I can turn to and feel comforted and loved by even if we don’t have much

Someone I could talk to, that could speak back to me

Someone who helps me grow and looks at me with eyes of compassion and gives their smile to me as a gift

If you are to share the open palm of your hand let it be gladly and with respect for the days that will each go by as each hour is a gift even if unnoticed. If you are to look my way, do so with appreciation at least once not lust. You can keep your lust last on the list because it alone won’t get you through this life. If you are to tilt towards me do so from the soul, and then I am sure a lifetime will not seem like enough.

I close my eyes and think of the warm smiles and hands of friends who have held out their open palms and lifted me

when I close my eyes I feel them
gather within me and I know I am strong because I am not alone

And I thank them for not leaving me out in the cold, alone when they could hear me struggling through the storm

I thank them for being true to their hearts
for stepping out on a limb for me
for such a love is grace received

when I close my eyes i feel warmth, peace and I have the sense that life will only get better
that this will only deepen

I trust that whatever crumbles will give way to something better
that cutting to the core will reveal the immense loveliness
that never departs my side

I want to write about the way the stars swallowed with matter the emptiness
and how the moons began to orbit the planets and how the planets became
silent floating dreamers
witnessing a red giant’s combustion
the ardent way a life burns bright in the midst of such a universe as our
all inevitably traveling towards extinguishment

It is today I want to write about all the possible impossibles that brought me here
I sitting on an orbiting rock
my chest rising and falling with bones just below flesh and arteries pumping rivers of red blood through me

Who is to know
folding inward
and outward
my whole body is a pulsing heart
and you have got it
in dreams
and in life brown eyes

Today I empty the chest and release all this longing and all this sadness. They do not suit me well; I think I rather go back to joy and my single cup of tea. The turntable is a good enough companion for me when the evening comes and I want to sing along to Nick Drake or attempt to dance rumba by myself.

When the words are heavy and the muck is thicker thread on, take a breathe, and then take another.

there is always a way

Today, I want nothing, and so I have everything I need.

Let gentleness be my way
let it lead me
direct me when my eyes must close

All I have left behind is dissolving into the past
crumbling most of it
but it was necessary
for it prepared me for the now

to embrace you
to embrace whatever form you take
whatever song your life sings
whatever mood swings into gear within you

No matter the norms, the age gap, the multiple reasons someone might wave their finger at me or frown at my direction while thinking I’m out of mind

If you are a go, then baby I am a go
...ready as could be

wherever it takes you may it be filled with joy
may the days meet you with exuberance
and may all harm halt at your door

somehow,
let it be so

so that you do not hurt  
because then I feel
as though I hurt too
quietly
without being able to tell you

so may you keep the light
and may it hang like a keychain
from your hands

it was just that the rain reminded me of you
and I had to hold all the unspoken words
and all my tangled web of misperceptions without clarification in a bag
apart from what you are
who you are
who knows who you are

and I hold what you might think of me in a bag, too

and I know the mind cannot arrive at truth
it can only circle around the field  
and drive itself dizzy
until it collapses

so I close my eyes and try to sense
what does not have words

May it pull all your seams
tightly together so that today
you feel whole

May your eyes source the world
catalogue its pieces
so that in silence you fall gently
into its beauty
again, and again and again
Until you dissolve
into it’s charm

May the days pass and may you know with all sincerity you are loved.

I do not know what storm you’re facing brown eyes.All I know is a portion of my best wishes and my good vibes are always sent towards your direction. However, right now I must keep my own ship afloat. I must figure out how to steer in a way that yields love and respect as I make my way across the ocean.

It is about timing
and the willingness to act
I had the willingness but never the timing

Half of it is grace and the other is your own hand

I refuse to be snarky
to sit in a room and poke fun of others
intentionally
to complain and complain to no end

I refuse to tear people down or roll my eyes at them. I just rather sit quietly and read my book. I want this space of mine to be calm and joyful.

The things I thought about:

I could never take someone’s parent away so I thought your girl could have three.

I thought of about really having to change careers so I could help you put your girl through school (and get her anything she needed) and so that her mother wouldn't have to work so hard.

I wanted your baby girl’s mother to reach her dreams because then baby girl would grow knowing she could do anything.

I thought about having to become her mother’s friend. And I also thought about her hating me and your little girl hating me too.

I thought about needing to live near them, so you could be there Incase of an emergency.

I thought of the ways people would try to guilt me or shame.

I thought about you dying sooner than me. I thought about those final years and I would miss you.


Silly, that I thought about all this. silly that I moved across the world. Silly that I sit here alone, but true.

I lean further in
because from afar
everything is abstract

did traveling an ocean change anything
you are still as silent as ever

and I still feel like I am nothing to you

The sun is already within you
yours, no key, no code, no price
no person, nothing stands between you
and the brilliance of your sunshine
you are forever endowed with its warmth

I will look at all the lovely flowers that tilt my way and thank them for such lovely a gift is their presence
that I could cry at their beauty
at their kindness
so when I look at them I try to hold back my tears of gratitude
I can only stare at them and smile

allow the freshness of the cold air
to let you cry of sadness or of joy
let it purge whatever sits in your chest
so that you can feel so that you can dream,
because you ought to believe in the kinder things
and reach for them with might and tenderness
hold your arms out towards the most beautiful of visions
of what your life can be

a whisper of love
so quiet
so far
echos
through the entirety of me
(through eternity)

As a child they never called me Guadalupe nor did they call me Lupe.
They called me Lupita and Pita.
Sometimes my parents still call Pita.

I hug my legs
apanasana pose
and I whisper to myself
“hang in there Pita”

Love, be well
rest
I have a whole heart
to give you
does not matter if you take it
just matters that I see you
Love, be at ease
thoughts can be so cruel
You have a whole heart
beneath them
matters if there’s joy within it
Love, be at who you need to be

At random hours of the day
I feel a warm pulse in my chest
and the image of you surges from the depths of my mind

And there
and here
I transform
what you give me
all the splinters
****** to open
a small surface protruding
into my life
but with intention
find it laying over a flower
Over the smile of a stranger

You are free
my palm is open
fly where you please

it is a beautiful world
and it is all yours
this lifetime is precious

I would never clench my fist
or cup you within my two hands

May better thoughts link arms
and dance their way into your mind.

May your eyes shine because you are a gemstone of a human
May you know that all my words are only guides that take you to the doorway of the beauty that you already posses

(May you know that I know no one is perfect, but I still so fervently love humanity)

When I feel real sad I put on some old school salsa and make my to cumbia. I dance like no one is watching because no one is and I end up having a blast. I revert to feeling like I am 5 year old again dancing surrounded by aunts and uncles
by my cousins and friends

It is days like these my being howls and wishes to diminish distance, fold miles and come close to you.

A life yet to come
I think this world is so beautiful  
even when most things do not go my way
I linger under a ginkgo tree mesmerized
at at how lovely the yellow leaves in winter
look against the night sky

after this lifetime –make me light
after I have emptied myself out –disperse me
.









.
I can feel how impermanent this world is
and how solid and unchanging the unseeable one truly is

May the voice that rises from your depths guide to what you need

May nothing frighten or threaten your path towards the vastness of your soul; it is only you who can hear it call.

I think you would find me silly
for closing my eyes not just for the purpose of sleep but for the purpose of seeing your face in a lucid dream

behind the big wave
is grace

I pushed myself, I listen to the little voice and I shed limitations
painful and uncomfortable but I learn and I grow and that this what this life is for

I hope I was as kind as possible
that I showed up when it mattered
even if it was not at your timing
and that I tried to lift you
higher
maybe in a young, shaky and clumsily way
but I sure hope it was higher

I hope I was gentle
what I do to others is already done unto me
I hope I lifted you higher
I can only hope

Casting all the fears aside rapidly
before they cling like mussels
to the beams below my mental pier’s walkway

Casting them all aside
because I would rather try to understand you, than let these thoughts grow thicker

Casting them
because I indeed long to know you better
know the mighty lovely things about you and the not so lovely things too

My hand is extended towards you but yours seems further and further away.

Can’t make it out in the distance anymore even though we live in the same city now.

It does not feel great to be last on the list
nor does it feel great to be ignored
or to be forgotten
to not receive an apology
or any form of communication

it does not feel soothing
or healthy, nor loving and not even  friendly to be treated in such manner

it feels like punishment
for being a flawed human being that regardless of mistakes deserves to be appreciated, valued and not taken for granted

May whatever comes
sit gentle over your heart
May all the threatening voices
be stopped by a valiant kind-thought
Here too lies your joy in this day
during this hour at your current address.
May today offer you the peace that already resides inside.

I have faith in all the beautiful things this world has to offer
I have a corner tucked so deep inside my chest nothing touches it
there I keep my fire
there I keep my hope
there the light abides

Don’t let there be gloom, it is so easy for it to grow when watered
it will cover even the most beautiful of flowers,
you’ve always been gifted with a green thumb, and a large heart
you deserve to harvest
lovely things are coming
water those blossoms because they do give fruit

May the slow falling of the rains
sing you a lulling song

I do not need to be your lover or ever be your partner. I do not need the title of spouse or fling. I can be your friend and see you through in that way
But what I do need is to be fully myself

have people who can forgive me
and see my through
and love me more because I dare to try again and again