How can I become more of myself?
What can I give?
Have I given enough ?
Whose eyes should I borrow ?
And what shoes should I walk in ?

Judgement does not keep company with truth;
Have I cleared my mind?
Have I opened it wide enough ?
What perspectives need to be placed down?

What do you do with love someone will not take?

Where do you place it ?

How should you feel ?

Everyone has their own heart and it is not their fault their does not love yours.

There is a loving stream of light that embraces me. Never too far and never too weak in presence –always guiding me sheltering me with warmth. Years smile at this bravery to live and this inescapable joy to be authentic, authentic for the sake of my own happiness.

Hi little star we made many mistakes
tumbled to the mercy of old habits
found at the very tips of our being
touched deep wells of sorrow

little star there is nothing I want more
than to make sure your path gets better
and that from here on I am better, too

we did really roll down the hill and into the lake, but moving in water is starting to feel refreshing

we made many errors but that is what takes me from pain to humbleness  to continual humbleness  to refreshing humbleness to liberating encompassing humbleness

It softly whispers to me
"i would wait two decades
if that is how long it took"

I say nothing;
I have no words for the wild heart
that pumps this blood inside.

I love you, but you never came
I just sat here surrounded by buildings
and people in a neighborhood
within this big, big city
having left it all
and having bought my one way ticket here

I love you, but you have not come
and I have started to memorize the names of street and buildings
within the old neighborhood market:
I know what stand sells what
–having walked into all of them
and having peeked into the busy ones

I love you, but you still are not here

May whatever comes your way dear
make ya' smile
may whatever view is framed
by your window awaken the timeless
beauty in ya'
for you too are reflected within it
let the swaying trees outside gently whisper 
towards your direction  "you are our brother"

My hand is extended towards you but yours seems further and further away.

Can’t make it out in the distance anymore even though we live in the same city now.

If I desire to cry I sit there and cry
if the feeling of inadequacy falls over me I take it into my hands and embrace it fully. I feel the not so pleasant, so that I feel the marvelously pleasant things that living has to offer.

I find this living so beautiful that I will myself to get up
may I let the day deliver me beauty
may I trust the unending loving nature of this existence will find me
open me to
and deliver me the gifts of joy
like walking calmly down a road my feet blessed with ground to walk upon
and eyes
my eyes with which to behold it
or feeling the wind blow as I look up at the clouds
grant me these small serenading joys

I hope I was as kind as possible
that I showed up when it mattered
even if it was not at your timing
and that I tried to lift you
higher
maybe in a young, shaky and clumsily way
but I sure hope it was higher

I hope I was gentle
what I do to others is already done unto me
I hope I lifted you higher
I can only hope

behind the big wave
is grace

Keep him well through spring as you did through winter
as you done for years
and you have given him breath
keep it steady and constant in his being
deliver him joy
travel swift like the morning dew
and be there when the new day comes

It does not feel great to be last on the list
nor does it feel great to be ignored
or to be forgotten
to not receive an apology
or any form of communication

it does not feel soothing
or healthy, nor loving and not even  friendly to be treated in such manner

it feels like punishment
for being a flawed human being that regardless of mistakes deserves to be appreciated, valued and not taken for granted

May the steady rain trickle it’s song  over your umbrella and accompany you
sweetly while it pours over the streets you know.

It is about timing
and the willingness to act
I had the willingness but never the timing

Half of it is grace and the other is your own hand

May they be a soothing balm
the days that are to come

May they be
moving, regenerative  
and wildly bold
the hours that lie ahead

May they be bright
and always on your side
the thoughts that ring out of your mind

this I wish for you
in the weeks, months
that are to come

Don’t let there be gloom, it is so easy for it to grow when watered
it will cover even the most beautiful of flowers,
you’ve always been gifted with a green thumb, and a large heart
you deserve to harvest
lovely things are coming
water those blossoms because they do give fruit

I think you would find me silly
for closing my eyes not just for the purpose of sleep but for the purpose of seeing your face in a lucid dream

You can it take it, that loving heap of words
or a love I held dear
you can carry it away in your hands
just take care of it
be gentle
water it with light and love
I will no longer cry late at night
it is the bird in your arms
that you hold onto
I do not need to know why
take care of that bird, love it deeply in this lifetime so that it’s wingspan expands and it soars during the day or dark of night
you can take this love I held dear
just be kind to it
don’t bicker over useless things
use your time to love
love the love I held dear

it was just that the rain reminded me of you
and I had to hold all the unspoken words
and all my tangled web of misperceptions without clarification in a bag
apart from what you are
who you are
who knows who you are

and I hold what you might think of me in a bag, too

and I know the mind cannot arrive at truth
it can only circle around the field  
and drive itself dizzy
until it collapses

so I close my eyes and try to sense
what does not have words

I feel this ball of energy entering me
something has come
it has already arrived within me
announced itself
but I cannot yet see it here
in the materials world
but it is deep and makes my heart race

I do not need to be your lover or ever be your partner. I do not need the title of spouse or fling. I can be your friend and see you through in that way
But what I do need is to be fully myself

have people who can forgive me
and see my through
and love me more because I dare to try again and again

A life yet to come
I think this world is so beautiful  
even when most things do not go my way
I linger under a ginkgo tree mesmerized
at at how lovely the yellow leaves in winter
look against the night sky

after this lifetime –make me light
after I have emptied myself out –disperse me
.









.
I can feel how impermanent this world is
and how solid and unchanging the unseeable one truly is

I do not always have to do it alone
I always felt I had to but I am more open to receiving help now; I am more open to resting my head over a shoulder and admitting my own limitations
I am not ashamed of being imperfect I am blessed by it because I can see that I am just like everyone else
and I like that ordinary people can do extraordinary things together
nourishing one another for as long as skin, body, and who knows maybe even spirit goes

allow the freshness of the cold air
to let you cry of sadness or of joy
let it purge whatever sits in your chest
so that you can feel so that you can dream,
because you ought to believe in the kinder things
and reach for them with might and tenderness
hold your arms out towards the most beautiful of visions
of what your life can be

You have guided me through all these seasons
moved mountains
helped me weather storms

I have come so far from my home on your call
lead me now where I must go
I have done what I was told
and I have followed the compass you put in me
when I pray to you
sing to you
meditate to find you will you answer like you have always answered
through flickers
dreams
with serendipity
and I will be paying enough attention so as not to miss your response

You have guided me
so I cannot fear the earth’s tilt

Sleep with love in your heart
tomorrow is a new day
rest, close your beautiful eyes

did traveling an ocean change anything
you are still as silent as ever

and I still feel like I am nothing to you

May it pull all your seams
tightly together so that today
you feel whole

May your eyes source the world
catalogue its pieces
so that in silence you fall gently
into its beauty
again, and again and again
Until you dissolve
into it’s charm

You feel genuine to me
natural
a breeze with the right temperature
a soulful hand with profound brown eyes that sail like ships through this life’s ocean
your mainsail and jib that have weathered storms give me the courage to steer

May there be joy in your heart
I know it’s absence and may it never leave your company
May you be blessed with the kindness of one sunrise after another, a new day after another new day
and may ease sit in your belly

Are you ashamed to love me?
If yes, then you are not right for me.

I whispered those words
and the light inside my little Buddha statue began to flicker over and over. I starred  at it and this thought entered my mind like a banner being carried by a jet across the sky “there is always light”
I uttered it and the light stopped blinking
i forget I am never alone

May your eyes shine because you are a gemstone of a human
May you know that all my words are only guides that take you to the doorway of the beauty that you already posses

(May you know that I know no one is perfect, but I still so fervently love humanity)

I close my eyes and think of the warm smiles and hands of friends who have held out their open palms and lifted me

when I close my eyes I feel them
gather within me and I know I am strong because I am not alone

And I thank them for not leaving me out in the cold, alone when they could hear me struggling through the storm

I thank them for being true to their hearts
for stepping out on a limb for me
for such a love is grace received

when I close my eyes i feel warmth, peace and I have the sense that life will only get better
that this will only deepen

Gratitude emerge soft
and profoundly onto my palms

I want to write about the way the stars swallowed with matter the emptiness
and how the moons began to orbit the planets and how the planets became
silent floating dreamers
witnessing a red giant’s combustion
the ardent way a life burns bright in the midst of such a universe as our
all inevitably traveling towards extinguishment

It is today I want to write about all the possible impossibles that brought me here
I sitting on an orbiting rock
my chest rising and falling with bones just below flesh and arteries pumping rivers of red blood through me

When I feel real sad I put on some old school salsa and make my to cumbia. I dance like no one is watching because no one is and I end up having a blast. I revert to feeling like I am 5 year old again dancing surrounded by aunts and uncles
by my cousins and friends

pen over the blankness
hands drafting
their portion intuitively reimagined

Under the layer of confusion
is the softness that seems to yield to you
and there you are
amongst all  
shinning never faintly
always brightly

You sneak into my mind and I so joyfully want to welcome you in

wherever it takes you may it be filled with joy
may the days meet you with exuberance
and may all harm halt at your door

somehow,
let it be so

so that you do not hurt  
because then I feel
as though I hurt too
quietly
without being able to tell you

so may you keep the light
and may it hang like a keychain
from your hands

Could you just hold me really tight
tight enough to squeeze the air out

I refuse to be snarky
to sit in a room and poke fun of others
intentionally
to complain and complain to no end

I refuse to tear people down or roll my eyes at them. I just rather sit quietly and read my book. I want this space of mine to be calm and joyful.

I come this way(for you)
come your way
steered for no other reason here
than to meet you
on this stream

if you do not see with eyes of love
i will understand and will respect that
if you frown I will take it or smile

I steered this way to see you
so I whatever fate awaits
it is in the making
in your hands
and in the trembling of mine

All I have left behind is dissolving into the past
crumbling most of it
but it was necessary
for it prepared me for the now

to embrace you
to embrace whatever form you take
whatever song your life sings
whatever mood swings into gear within you

No matter the norms, the age gap, the multiple reasons someone might wave their finger at me or frown at my direction while thinking I’m out of mind

If you are a go, then baby I am a go
...ready as could be

Love, be well
rest
I have a whole heart
to give you
does not matter if you take it
just matters that I see you
Love, be at ease
thoughts can be so cruel
You have a whole heart
beneath them
matters if there’s joy within it
Love, be at who you need to be

I pushed myself, I listen to the little voice and I shed limitations
painful and uncomfortable but I learn and I grow and that this what this life is for

The sun is already within you
yours, no key, no code, no price
no person, nothing stands between you
and the brilliance of your sunshine
you are forever endowed with its warmth