I rise to a radiant sun and you are first on my mind.
You are too wide and expansive that I cannot write anything close to what I would like to tell you. All of them are tiny icebergs that can’t get close enough to the truth.
the truth of how so deeply I care for you
even after all this time

these icebergs
if you bump into them I hope you would recognize
my affection runs deep
always hidden below the surface and always ever-present

Has there ever been a desert this wide
and hands as dry as mine
my feet are calloused but still keeping on route
nights of anticipation are betrayed by the rising over dry ground on the next day
nowhere near the destination

In the absence of water
sadness is beginning to fill my mouth
and in the heat, the mirages start to take human form
they speak to me of the treacheries of time
and the intervals of fate

am I, too far to know
or am I willfully bind
no, I close my eyes and I hear
the low voice
propelling my limbs onward
through the haze

Has a desert been this long
has it caused any other such an arduous
and throat-knotted journey with self-designated phlegmatic feet  

I thread forward with my two palms placed over my heart
And I speak to it “if this desert takes my mind, let it at least not take you and the hope that lingers in your chamber”

there are times I hid in under the sofa
ran into the closet
jumped into the laundry pile
climbed onto the roof of the house and waited there
for the long night to overtake your body and diffuse its anger

many times you drunkenly lay on the side of the street
with me tugging at your arm trying to get back into the house

many times inebriated you tried to beat the car keys out of my hand
but I caved and drove you myself to the liquor store

and then you would sit there intoxicated, and tell how much you loved me
how good of a daughter I was

many times my mind feels fragmented, like a tiny lifeboat with a whole in it squeezing out air and I do not know if I will make it to the shore  

I sit on that tiny boat and I cry because
it is so hard for me to realize when someone truly loves me
and when they're just stringing me along
it is sad that I struggle so much  
i feel too confused and too inept
when it comes to recognizing love

many times, many times I forgave you
for the sake of my own well-being
but I no longer have to lie and tell them others you were nice to me
abuse is never nice
and you as a father weren't either

many times I have tried and many times I will continue to try
to reach for wholeness

The objects of memory
are soft,
little fingers of a child
discovering the world for the first time
the texture of moss archived on their index and thumb

The objects of memory
are gentle,
kind words like  “muy bien” &“you did it”
as salt water drips down your cheeks and you exit the calm Pacific for the first time to be embraced after with a long soft towel

The objects of memory
are subjective
sometimes lost in the suppressed ocean of “too painful” & too lonesome hiding under a bed

The objects of memory
can be cold,
like the touch of a coffin you couldn’t  see over back when you were only a few feet tall or the feeling you got years after
as you stared from above at your grandparent or the touch of their hand as they lay there


The objects of memory
can be transcendent
like four hours of mediation finally
breaking away the clouds
As if it were mighty Poseidon
just to find Buddha under the bodi tree behind the Stratus cloud


the soothing waves of ocean
during your 100th brand new encounter
lingers in the fervent gleam of today
as you collect new objects of memory

My greatest humanely wish is that I never lose my ability to accept discomfort that I hold it close so that I can make way for the new. I want my mind to continue to be renewed and to continue to be opened so discomfort is the song my heart sings to woo change into world

i knew the wind blew too strong
in your direction, that it took and kept
taking from you, i did not want to pry

i knew the worst boiled different
from the last and this one bent
your vision, and blew out your lamp

in you i knew, there was a soft hand
i tried to remember this after each reproach
that there was that friend, that man

i loved somewhere in the midst of that night
i knew i couldn't do it right, but i tried

May the slow falling of the rains
sing you a lulling song

I came here for me
and I came this way for you
that was all

for the things that have the greatest meaning
take the biggest leaps of courage

Everytime my mind gets crammed with perceptions and I cannot feel what really lies below it all
I must pause, breathe and realize “I do not know”
I do not know what is true and what is not  so I think I should stop thinking I do
because slowly assumption and stories
can obscure it all

May there
always be kindness
close to you
revealing itself
when you need it most

I keep my hope close like a pillow
that I can rest my head upon

love is expansive and gives a wide open field of flowers
not a narrow alley

it is patient, and teaches patience
it allows time for thought and time to collect oneself without the pressure of hurrying

so as my thoughts linger upon yours
I respect that you cannot be rushed
your far stretching freedom is always yours
wide as the eye can see

so I give you time my little self
and this time this self-love will grow deeper

the dust beneath the feet of protestors
rises and still we try to grip a vision
that lies outside this framework         “bring me a more equitable world”  

the death tolls on newspapers
increase and yet some still need to find the decency
to put on masks                                 “bring me a more educated world”

the high number of environmental protection laws
reversed are narrowing not just of our own chances of survival
as a species  but those of all creatures                   
                                    ­                      “bring me a more sustainable world”

the lines at food banks and distribution centers
lengthen and yet the sum needed to feed the mouths of others
does not seem to be agreeable when drafting legislation                      
                                                               “­bring me a more compassionate
                                                                ­  world”
the great waiting  
seems to be in great motion        “bring me ...” I no longer need you to
                                                          bring me anything

                                                           I will bring it
                                                          I will venture out
                                                        I will create
                                                     I will learn more
                                                  I will open my own mind
                                               I will think for myself
                                                      

        ­            I do not need you to bring me anything
                      that paradigm is over;
                                             
                  ­                        I will go get it

                                           I
                                           will
                                           manifest
                                           it
          ­                                
draw parts of those lines  __             that will help connect us to it

I think of you and the thread of life that runs through your mind, body and soul.

You have always been strong; you have always had everything you have needed roaming inside you.

Whatever you need, call it forth and it will come
be it patience
be it understanding
be it hope

There is one green mat by the window
my brother, my mother and I use it

Behind it is a window with a old red pine
i watch its needles under the evening light

each of us arriving on the rubber surface for a need to stretch the body and the heart

I could carry two suns on my back
and walk across the galaxies tread the universe because I am your dream of life

the legacies of the conquered, the conquerer
the slave and the prosecuted whirl within me “mixed”

I carry your sorrow
it used to feel endless and forever gaping

it was easy not to see the cord that binds to this earth but I discovered that when I closed my eyes
I felt it
and I let it guide me
through the terrain
through the the high mountains

Now I understand I carry your strength, too
Endless
You carried two suns on you back when they gave you new calendars and new names, when you forfeited ever placing eyes on your home again
when you got up and walked you had two suns on your back

I carry all your strength
your unparalleled boldness to reach for life
for hope
I can carry two suns on my back

thank you

Gratitude
a big shower
of appreciation
of the ever constant  
opening and reopening
to the precious
happenings
of this formless intuition
running from the tips of toes
beyond the crown
and into a field of unity

Your eyes
your skin
your body

hold inside them
someone I love

they are
precious
miraculous
instruments
of life

they allow me to find you
in flesh
they allow me to sit at the hearth
in front of your fire
they allow me to share with you
my ember

your brown
pupils
your soft
hands

the days
pass
and i thank every sunset

knowing
“soon”,
will become
“now”

When the words are heavy and the muck is thicker thread on, take a breathe, and then take another.

there is always a way

Go deeply and then you see there is a lot of love
below everything there is love
from the moment you inhale your first conscious breathe to the moment you drift into the subconscious there is love there to hold you

There is beauty
in the slowest  
of seasons

It is raining dear
do you hear it trickle down
can you hear the cars passing by
and the droplets hit your window

the freshness of the air is comforting
it refreshes
not just my skin, but my mind
enough so that I want to sleep and dream
as I lay here with the window half open
I’m still awake trying to coerce a mosquito to exit through the window, but it too hears the water pouring down
and it won't take a half-open window exit

You will inherit the world
I know so

This is the age of draughters
I understand this truth

"Renaissance", "Enlightenment"
"________"they will find a name for this era, too

When the going gets tough I get a little tougher
The kind of tough that holds my hand and says “gal, it’s gonna be alright”
These months
I make sure my waves of laughter are in sync with the rising moon inside in of me

I bake sweet cake and ice it with sugary hope
I make sure I steam all the vegetables
to make them –soft enough to chew
So that my body receives nourishment          
and I can make through these days

All my dreams you have expanded
magnificently woven them into something
intricate, breathtaking and unimaginable.
So I  take it, take  it all
all of it

Did I loose my funny bone?
maybe I need a new one
or did I break it
in that case will the pieces shake and rattle as I move ?

Today is a Sade kind of day
rest and lay down over the smooth
blanket that is her voice

my chest is like the ocean
the things that are right for me
float up like small plastic ***** to the surface
but
i feel
confused
when you float up
from the depths
you make me hesitant
of ever trusting my gut again
“can i get a new gut?” i think to myself
this one is acting up
because the buoyancy of your  name
wakes me at odd hours of the night

I sit in this quiet room surrounded by more silence waiting for the still voice inside of me to speak to me, but it is silent.

I try to talk to it; i say “I gave it all I had. Now I am tired and in need of a shoulder to lean on.”

this heap of words is soft
like old sweaters piled up
warm only where my body presses into it and molds
valleys of fabric and wrinkles of textile undulating
the shape of my hope
curving the scent of far waters
like a fountain spouting out and quenching
my mind with stillness
not far
but here in my palm
I hold patience

All the birds could chirp and all the clouds could vanish leaving the clearest sky
but if I cannot muster the courage to go outside how much of it can I take in

How well can I say that I have lived ?

keep me ever mindful; nothing is owed
overwhelm me with love for the sake of love
do not shrink my heart
give me courage in this lifetime

for love
it serves the world and without it there is deep despair

so place it upon my eyes
may I see all being through it

Do not come for me tomorrow
come for me today

too many have said “tomorrow”
too many excuses have been reiterated for years upon years
All attempting to shift responsibility
absolve inaction

“Leave it for the young”
“for another lifetime”

It is for this one...

for this day
that is why you are alive  
(It has been put off too long )

Take your courage and hold on tight

do not say you will come tomorrow
come today into the hands of your own responsibility

create this world you wish to see

for today, for today, for today


let these cross your lips “for today, for today” until they become soggy over you lips and must be eaten

take responsibility for that inkling to not conform in order to fit this status quo
for it is your nature to push boundaries compassionately and because you wish to bring more love into the world
tells the tale of why you are here

If she leaves tonight
the women will begin their circles of prayer and the flowers will arrive
but will not get there in time
so I sit and go within
light up candles and carve an inward path to her
I will be with her to see her through
I will have to dig deeper
for her life gave me life
and we are linked
forevermore

“Find me where you know I need to be”
I trust, that when I close my eyes, turn all lights are off, and start walking inwardly I will arrive where I need to be

The truth is I want to be there
I want to sieve through it all
but I right now I oscillate from functionality to the 5 seconds it takes for my eyes to redden and my nose to join it by then it is hard to breathe, sorrow is a heavy daypack

I have reached a wall in my heart, and the climbing is so hard
everyday I have to fight the inclination to recoil in pain
I know I have to summit this peak and then walk the many miles down
but I oscillate

Your smile warms me.
But I simply tell you I like it
“it looks good on you”

I write you sonnets and free form verse
where in my mind’s eye you are present
and well within reach
until I can come and sit by your side the photographs
and the 15 mb are the closests I get

I want to turn my head and catch  you grinning
at the daily happenings of life
I want to figure out what things slowly weave joy onto your arms
so that I can appreciate them, too

And you see things for what they are
and instead of letting it break your heart
or decide to run on the hamster wheel , ride the many Ferris wheels or rollacoasters of distractions
you choose to laugh in delight because you are Human
endowed with the gift of creating  alongside that which moves through you
and gave you life
and you know you can add what you see lacks
so smile not because someone told you to girl but because you have realized you’re as mighty as any other who has graced this world
Go on if you would like and  make somethings beautiful as an offering

You see things for what they are
ever changing 
 always flowing eternally towards the infinite
you need no one to tell you this    just close your eyes (feel it)
or wait
time will try to cocoon you, over and over
in an attempt to deliver you to the infinite
you will get there
in due time
for now rejoice in your humanity

We twist
and turn
in this tornado
bodies fly

We watch them
as they ascend
and we ask
why
must they all
look the same

“We know”
people gathered
at the squares say

“We demand change”
read the picket signs

When I think of how beautiful the world is I dare not shut my heart to it
I dare not recoil from it; I take it as it is.

We must never forget our light
that which burns bright
Always present
and unrivaled
by the outside

May the voice that rises from your depths guide to what you need

May nothing frighten or threaten your path towards the vastness of your soul; it is only you who can hear it call.

I have been too nice with poetry
–humoring extended metaphors–
throwing up my hands in praise
at how little can be written/ at how complexity can be simple / at how the abstract treads like a beast through a tunnel
onto this realm
arriving as the heavy letter on a screen or a page

The hinge that holds the door
does not creak this is evidence enough that I should be grateful

but I take deep breathe and it’s as if I inhale the world pain and so I creak
 even if the hinge on the door does not

You are bright and clear
as a morning without fog
so I walk to you

When I push it aside
it pushes me back harder

So I let it sit next to me
all that love with all that sorrow

Maybe the two can call it a truce
inside my body

they might be able to hold hands and start to cradle each other

I love you and I want you to flourish
carry that shine in your eyes
I don’t matter how old you are  
smile and feel as light as the day you first entered this world

I see brilliance
wrapped around
their eyes

labyrinths that end
in the same place
which in truth
are gardens teeming with
all that spouts

I see them arrive light footed
and light hearted to this gentle abode
having circled and found their way
into our home