I have the urge to buy a glittery pink jacket and a turquoise hat
wear one personality and then wear the next
loosen up the ego

All I ask is that you carry me through this season how you have carried me through this living
Always opening the right doors always filling me with light because I am need of a gentle hand that knows how sooth blisters
perhaps it is my left hand returning to greet  my right with balm and gauze
but I ask of ye to aid their swift embrace of me

with the grass below my feet and the cooling wind
blowing away the heat
I came to sit under a little tree
trying my best not think about  "later today" or "in a minute"
I had held onto the notion of time so tightly this year
that every time a plan was pried out of  my arms
I did more than cry

I slouched
I cursed
I became a flagging runner with a mile to go
an archer's arrow still far from its mark  

so today as I mediated
I could sense them
ants beginning to run up my legs
and into the forest of hair between my thighs
I was present enough–
I jumped up and shrieked
then I laughed

a friend sitting near me laughed too
I wondered if they had ants crawl up their legs too

.                                                            Up
I­ dripped into the grass.       Up,
and absorbed my way Up,
to the tip of a leaf
and then I slide back    d
                                           o
                                              w
               ­                                   n

                                                giggling      ­                   
                                             like a child,
                                   gliding and somersaulting
                            through the air and making it back
                     to the soil. Where again, I would be absorbed
                                   (gleeful and eager to begin)

I will build you a temple with words of resounding beauty
of all the dreams collected from the spores and the pollen of spring
so that among the trembling uncertainty you rise
surrounded by weightless warmth
fully formed and grasping
floating magnolias and light

cheeks sweetened and eyes pearled
gleaming to joy, while your tongue unfolds its language
and learns to pick up chisel
learns to pick up hammer
and guild its own temple

Keep good company
and learn to forgive
surround yourself with loving people
whose eye light up when they see you

who know how to say I am sorry when they have
not listened or have not showed up for you

the company you keep you become
choose wisely
pick those who guide you to the door of your divinity
who can pick you up with as little as their sincere smile
and loving ears who might only be able to listen
but do so with attention
because they see you, they truly see you
and that is a gift

The things we dare to do are magnificent no matter
how insignificant they may be to others

We can love people that do not love themselves
and we see the mirror
I did not love myself

If I did why would accept that sorrow
do I not know avoidable sorrow is not okay

did I feel okay with countless suffering
why, how did I absorb this behavior
was it in the way my father drank away his sorrow
was it in the tv programs that said I had to always be a good girl and be sweet even if it cost me my own well being

Where ? Was it from my mother who thought it was best to raise her kids with a man she did not love anymore because that is “stable”
they were never stable
two separate stable ones would of been better

was it them or the world
who knows
but I wept because I did not love myself
because I was not taught
the relationships around me did not show me this and so I lacked it

I look at the trees with reverence; I look at the cats running across the street with eyes of reverence, eyes of reverence behold small  flies but what about the mass of skin and mystery that is me?

I should revere this lifetime, this instrument, this life –anything less is lack of love

this hope
it lights up the sky
and there is no fighting
its right to rise
among all the debris of the past

There is just this calm underlying love that slowly unfolds and eats up the fear

and so I write you
keeping it short
keeping my heat away  
trying to at least salvage friendship
because it care for you
and I hope you were right about time

so far it doesn’t seems to be lending a hand
I just accept that I must really just love you
and well that’s where I’m at for now

You sneak into my mind and I so joyfully want to welcome you in

I found myself wishing
I could give endlessly

how I deeply desired at one moment to put aside all my needs and try to have “no needs”

I kept reprimanding myself for wanting care, someone’s time or something  as simple as a letter. So fragile was my thick wall of “I have no needs” that all it took was a friend kindly saying to me “it is okay to have needs. You should have needs” to tear down that wall.

Everyone needs love and that is undeniable. No amount of “I have no needs” can keep you afloat.

Do not worry
all becomes lost in that ocean of thought today just feel the wind and sun
your nature is that of calm

I wish you all the happiness of a spring yielding to summer braver, old friend. Please understand I mean no harm.

The salesman stood in front of the poet and tried to sell her words
what a sight

May better thoughts link arms
and dance their way into your mind.

I think about the sun, the moon, the stars.
I think about the our cities, and our roads.
I think about the our bodies and our hands.
I think about the ideas, and the beliefs inside.
–And I know that I rather be a maverick than a conformist.

I think about discoveries of other galaxies and dark matter.
I think about ways to structure civilization and ways we can travel.
I think about our consciousness and the extension of our limbs.
I think of the awakening and the discovery of inward connection.
–And I feel that I rather be authentic than inauthentic.

1.
Fizz and sparkles...
...undulated hair and a long salmon scarf
I stand over a running sink searching for you.

If there were fish swimming around my neck, defying gravity could I then reach for you?

Like i have reached countless times,
sometimes i have gotten close enough
to have seen the clearness of your eyes meet me in defiance...
...what do I say to a girl born into this world that smells of ocean?

2.
I met you years ago, when your  hands were small. And there was a sea rotating over your head. The whales seemed to soar above us –and you’d extend your left hand and guide me in.

3.
Your world... so gentle. You could not bare to leave it. When people saw water circle around your fingers, you did not care to explain to them such a phenomenon

that is why I love you
that is why I do not drink the soup of this     world

  that is why I keep sieving their words
  and this faucet water through my hands.


   that is why I wonder if in death I could come back to you but I think I get close enough in life


   4.you girl, that smells of ocean cannot be tamed do not let them drain the salt chuck above your head. As I became you, in me you become the living breathing world...
...inlets flow undeterred

It is days like these I wish to be lay over
the thick leaves
by spirit be colored in
and by the whispers of the timeless
dream

You choose your path, no need for explanations, no need for apologies
there is no right or wrong way to live
as long as the soil nourishes then life will flourish

And then with the eyes of a red tailed hawk
I can see the  what is needed is courage
and acceptance
everything that lacks is what I do no give
and I am strong enough having crossed winter’s terrain and walked through its dark canyons that I can sit in peace
and hold all that I feel
from this view life is but a blink
and in my nature is to show up
to care in such a way
and this is not because of anyone else
it’s just the way of my nature
and I become courageous enough to accept myself and who I am

I whisper to the wind and I murmur to the sun
“keep him well”
cool him during the heavy heat
warm him when the days are cold

(May we all be well as this earth turns)

In search
of true reward
I brave the rougher path

In my eyes you are light
and shadow
And beauty and
someone I risked
so much to see
because your worth it
and so much more to me

Tomorrow I will hike up a mountain to meet a group of monks
I will sleep at 8:00 pm and wake at 4:00 am
and repeat.
I will sit by the lake        
and freeze if I have to
the cold always makes me aware
of more than just this mind of mine

It started as the smallest of seeds,
it sprouted in the corner of the garden alone
outside the periphery of the herbaceous border
its roots deep and moist
with the desire to grow

let sleep embellish your dreams
and replenish your strength

let it bring back joy
even if it lays only a sliver
of it over your pillow

from this night on
let deep slumber's gift
add up until your heart is filled
with the warmth of infinite possibilities

Sweet being your face has changed so many times
do recognize me
in disguise?

My left foot steps onto a cloud and then the right foot proceeds
before I know it I am walking celestially
unencumbered
I want to perceive and understand what else is there
What other inner cabinets of aliveness await
the endless curiosity unfurls from my eye
and so I keep hopping
taking step one step at a time
from one cloud to the next

Do not underestimate
how lovely I think you are
If it has been unsaid
if I forgot to tell you,
forgive me

I dig my head in books, I stop and stare at leaves
I just assumed you could feel my love
the way the we feel the wind over ours skins
So forgive me, I tried
many times to tell you
that you mean so much to me
that at my core you sit
and you never leave me

Some are scared of words
as one rightly should.

Some are uncomfortable with facts
as if one of these facts will finally tear through the rope of privilege that fabricates a false outer sense of self-esteem.

Because the thing about privilege is that if you lose it
you might see that there isn’t anything special about you. However, you will see there is nothing special about anyone and if you claim anyone is special then everyone is special.

You went from a small mount
to becoming a mountain
and then as the year progressed
you became a wide valley
and I agree that I might be lost, but I am lost your depths

I start counting the little blades of grass, one by one the day seems more abundant with life and more open to growth than what I could have imagined.

Know that every stone of love that was stacked for you is still there
–sturdy–it’s presence enduring

from the time you were a child
to the time you began stretching out of your jeans and outgrowing your pairs of shoes  

To the very first white hair that grew
–almost suddenly-–without you realizing
so much time had gone by

all the love that was given stays
holds residence in your body
Hold a home in your being
is never part
and is forever your gift

It is just that I want to continue to grow
throughout the entirety of my life even when it hard
it just that I don’t want to abandon myself
or stand in my own way
I just want to try consistently until I leave this form
I just just want be truer to myself and love deeply this precious, precious life
I would never jump ship I am committed in the small things which are truly the core of all of me

I placate my mind.
I locate my mind.
I disengage my mind
My mind...
...doesn’t know it’s compartments
are too dusty


I sense my toes.
I feel my toes.
I am in my body.
My body...
...doesn’t need to think;  it breathes


..……
……
……

…
…

I should have told you that there were no coves to run to on this beach’s coast; when I think of you, there is only sadness. The waves crash and the rocks are all ragged, what you hide is yours forever, your responsibility—it isn’t my boat or oar to tend to and maintain

Tend, I must tend more delicately
Tend more faithfully to this garden
to this body that smells of spirit and runs
on the love of living

I must tend carefully
Forget about mastery and become a conduit; let this lifetime unfold, slowly lay down its tracks

calmly I get closer to what has always been
breathing in the timeless
and seeing it in me I tend lovingly
to this one life of mine

We find courage when it feels like there is none

The expansive space of adequacy that stirs
along side the deepest most naked reflection
a mirror could give
greets us

Now, from here is a good place to set forth
from here forgiveness brims and you perceive
we are all just **** under all these garments

I can see myself loving again
I can see myself helping nourish the plants and creatures around me
I can see myself walking in a long dress with flowing hair
with little heads around me peeking into bushes and trying to feel everything in sight
I can see myself singing to my friends
and reading them poetry
sketching the neighbor and feeding the stray animals
I can see dreams being woven inside of more dreams
dreams being expanded and liberated into the hands of the all

I see the home depot I grew up driving to, the one next regal, behind that cinema is a swap-meet where I used to dig for old records as a teen.  

I see and They came to the place where I most often saw the LA river, they barged into every memory I have and sprinkled their terror rounding up community members with families. Rounding folks trying to make a dime. I have driven down Alondra street more times than I can count.

I see that you have come for my heart but it’s already taken full of chants  Viva el immigrante, long live the immigrant, si de puede, el Pueblo unido jamas sera Venicido.

You have made me stronger in my conviction and my values. Thank you!

Has there ever been a desert this wide
and hands as dry as mine
my feet are calloused but still keeping on route
nights of anticipation are betrayed by the rising over dry ground on the next day
nowhere near the destination

In the absence of water
sadness is beginning to fill my mouth
and in the heat, the mirages start to take human form
they speak to me of the treacheries of time
and the intervals of fate

am I, too far to know
or am I willfully bind
no, I close my eyes and I hear
the low voice
propelling my limbs onward
through the haze

Has a desert been this long
has it caused any other such an arduous
and throat-knotted journey with self-designated phlegmatic feet  

I thread forward with my two palms placed over my heart
And I speak to it “if this desert takes my mind, let it at least not take you and the hope that lingers in your chamber”

There is no better breath
than the breathe
I breathe now

May the slow falling of the rains
sing you a lulling song

I find this living so beautiful that I will myself to get up
may I let the day deliver me beauty
may I trust the unending loving nature of this existence will find me
open me to
and deliver me the gifts of joy
like walking calmly down a road my feet blessed with ground to walk upon
and eyes
my eyes with which to behold it
or feeling the wind blow as I look up at the clouds
grant me these small serenading joys

I took my devotion and like a disciplined scribe worked hard to bind you a book of letter, so presentable and worthy of being gifted to you.

Dedication became routine; everyday I closed my eyes and released a prayer in your direction. I prayed a whole temple and in it I sat.

Now, I’m scared to walk into the temple or open the book. I fear the walls will crumble on me and the words I will no longer be able to decipher

So I haven’t walked into it, instead I sit outside its steps and I can’t feel; I can’t feel a thing.

i knew the wind blew too strong
in your direction, that it took and kept
taking from you, i did not want to pry

i knew the worst boiled different
from the last and this one bent
your vision, and blew out your lamp

in you i knew, there was a soft hand
i tried to remember this after each reproach
that there was that friend, that man

i loved somewhere in the midst of that night
i knew i couldn't do it right, but i tried

How little I know is the constant
but I am not frustrated or in denial of that
it is fine by me
kicking off my shoes and resting my back over the bed
feet dangling
knowing zero is less daunting now
always humbling
the traffic off of the main road is muted by the floor heating
my fear tamed by my will
that does not want to let uncertainty climb up
upon me