Sometimes I think of the weight I carry
and then I think about your weight
and I decide to stay silent and send you all the love I have quietly
without a hint
without words
without notice

Did I loose my funny bone?
maybe I need a new one
or did I break it
in that case will the pieces shake and rattle as I move ?

Baby blue bird when you feel the winds has  been knocked out of you
keep on chirping
There is still a lot of life to be lived
don’t you worry
When you are ready you can give flying another shot

Lovely girl there in your twirl is your magical way of spinning without care
you create more beauty to add to this world

Tend, I must tend more delicately
Tend more faithfully to this garden
to this body that smells of spirit and runs
on the love of living

I must tend carefully
Forget about mastery and become a conduit; let this lifetime unfold, slowly lay down its tracks

calmly I get closer to what has always been
breathing in the timeless
and seeing it in me I tend lovingly
to this one life of mine

“I am not going to be salty; I going to be sugar” that’s my motto for the day. :)

The things that are for us calls us silently, and never leave us
When the frenzy of the mind is quiet they emerge
those are the things meant for us to reach towards

Gotta have a sense of humor
carry it with you
hide it in your back pocket
and whip it out when it's getting too grim
a joke, a pun, a silly little dance
it can be the arrow
that shoots the harrowing times

Things seem simple to me even while they take us into the grey in-betweens of life.
What human being  has not been there?

maybe they are not simple maybe they are
whichever the perspective there is always choice; I refuse to give up my power to choose.

The quiet is my friend.
It allows ample time to think.
It hands me back to myself.

Cloudy weather cloudy mind

More practice is needed
I cannot let my thoughts run me over

this warm feeling rises from my chest
and it reminds me of you
I do not know what to do with it
except let it be

let the prairie grow around me
with its yarrow and smooth blue asters
scattered amongst it a few rough blazing stars with wild bergamot

let them envelop me
and do not leave a hedge between them and me

They all made fun of me
ridiculed me
judged me but I kept going because I thought
you would come through

I buried my head deep in trust or foolishness
who knows now

everyone does what they please
why should that be a surprise to me

Sincerely, I just want to rest now. Lay in a field of flowers and fall asleep.

I just want the gentle wind to embrace my body and the greenery to grow around me until it covers me and I feel safe again

I want to ask you "why did you give up on me?"

but I keep it to myself
that is not a question to ask
because no answer could bring me joy

Everyone flows like water
I must remember this

I must appreciate the flow of other things
even if they are heading away from me

I need your help dear but you do not reach out to offer it

the sun and Curicaueri watch a small phoenix falling to the ground
and they know she is dying and they know she will be strong
and they know she will burn

                                                     ...

the sun is bright and enough for me to see
the broken pieces on the floor their sharp edges glistening

...and slowly to the chirping of the birds, I begin to pick them up
I believe I can melt these pieces
and use them to make a beautiful stain glass window

in this lifetime I will make something of beauty
from all the wretched & unkind things
from everything that left me in pieces

the sun is bright and enough for me to see, I shine
even when scattered and left unwanted
when  no longer deemed useful
Bright enough for me to smile while picking up the shards
enough for me to see myself as worthy of being thrown into the fire
and being remolded

                                                  ...

­the sun and Curicaueri watch a small phoenix fall to the ground
and they know she is dying and they know she is strong
and they know she is burning
incinerating slowly with her flesh and fears all around her
as the flames rise they know she is closer to life than she has ever been before, so they wait for her patiently
                                                  ...
t­here from the distance  the sun and  Curicaueri watch over her
as does the wind, the brooks and the hidden moon

Some days I do not feel as strong
So I bring my left arm up,
fold it and on tilt my head left;
I lean on my own palm for now

A life I can live is a life where I have tried tirelessly
tried my hardest,
tried my best
took the risk
took the leaps for the things
that really meant something to me
because I now know I do not regret
having left it all for something that could have been

When I think of how beautiful the world is I dare not shut my heart to it
I dare not recoil from it; I take it as it is.

For the immensity of a heart I am grateful
for the ways life can be gentle even when the waters are rough I am blessed

The things I thought about:

I could never take someone’s parent away so I thought your girl could have three.

I thought of about really having to change careers so I could help you put your girl through school (and get her anything she needed) and so that her mother wouldn't have to work so hard.

I wanted your baby girl’s mother to reach her dreams because then baby girl would grow knowing she could do anything.

I thought about having to become her mother’s friend. And I also thought about her hating me and your little girl hating me too.

I thought about needing to live near them, so you could be there Incase of an emergency.

I thought of the ways people would try to guilt me or shame.

I thought about you dying sooner than me. I thought about those final years and I would miss you.


Silly, that I thought about all this. silly that I moved across the world. Silly that I sit here alone, but true.

My hand is extended towards you but yours seems further and further away.

Can’t make it out in the distance anymore even though we live in the same city now.

What do you do with love someone will not take?

Where do you place it ?

How should you feel ?

Everyone has their own heart and it is not their fault their does not love yours.

As a child they never called me Guadalupe nor did they call me Lupe.
They called me Lupita and Pita.
Sometimes my parents still call Pita.

I hug my legs
apanasana pose
and I whisper to myself
“hang in there Pita”

the sun whose radiance
beams over me sets off the production of vitamin D

the water that runs down my body as I shower
does more than caress me
it cleans me and it becomes the base of my ****** fluids
60 percent of all me is water

the air that I cannot see is a constant visitor
entering and exiting
one failed appointment or canceled visit
and I would be dead

we are always loved by all the things around us that unite to make us possible
what more than the love of this world for these tender bodies
and its temporal gift of a vessel
for our awareness and existence

Deeply, fundamentally how could we not be loved?

I need someone who genuinely cares about me
who doesn’t need to will themselves to love me, but that in their heart knows they would like to greet each day by my side

I need a hand sometimes. I can handle my own, but it would nice to have someone show up for me.

To take a walk with or invite me out for cup of tea

Someone who wants to know how I am doing. If I am okay?someone I can turn to and feel comforted and loved by even if we don’t have much

Someone I could talk to, that could speak back to me

Someone who helps me grow and looks at me with eyes of compassion and gives their smile to me as a gift

I am an audacious
little bodied gal
when spirit calls
I leap
I close my eyes
and my earth bound body
soars

My fear runs right alongside my courage; my courage is only one inch ahead of my fear, but that is enough.

"where are you from?"
"where are you really from?"

Go to questions; simple questions
some
may never think twice before asking them  

"what is behind them"
"what are you saying?

When you ask someone solely based on their brown skin "where are you from?"

You are saying this "your skin is brown, so must not be from the here. Why, well there aren't brown people here anymore; we killed all the brown folks."

And what you are doing is verbally trying to wave your wand and vanish cultures that are present & still survive.


"Silly you, can't be brown and be from America. Where are you really from?"

It is good to challenge yourself
keep changing
keep reaching for your next inner-ward destination
What is inside is crucial
its fruits determine who you are
but more importantly
how deeply life is felt from the breeze
to water running over your hands, to a smile someone gives you

Can you feel the depth of these moments?
What is inside is crucial.

When you sleep the poetry of life conspires with the entire universe
picking places, materials, and dates

just today it leaned over and said “September 23rd” and then whispered Emmitt Till & Breonna Taylor

All I have left behind is dissolving into the past
crumbling most of it
but it was necessary
for it prepared me for the now

to embrace you
to embrace whatever form you take
whatever song your life sings
whatever mood swings into gear within you

No matter the norms, the age gap, the multiple reasons someone might wave their finger at me or frown at my direction while thinking I’m out of mind

If you are a go, then baby I am a go
...ready as could be

Every ounce of me waited
and held in there for you

every & all leaps taken

I trust that whatever crumbles will give way to something better
that cutting to the core will reveal the immense loveliness
that never departs my side

there are times I hid in under the sofa
ran into the closet
jumped into the laundry pile
climbed onto the roof of the house and waited there
for the long night to overtake your body and diffuse its anger

many times you drunkenly lay on the side of the street
with me tugging at your arm trying to get back into the house

many times inebriated you tried to beat the car keys out of my hand
but I caved and drove you myself to the liquor store

and then you would sit there intoxicated, and tell how much you loved me
how good of a daughter I was

many times my mind feels fragmented, like a tiny lifeboat with a whole in it squeezing out air and I do not know if I will make it to the shore  

I sit on that tiny boat and I cry because
it is so hard for me to realize when someone truly loves me
and when they're just stringing me along
it is sad that I struggle so much  
i feel too confused and too inept
when it comes to recognizing love

many times, many times I forgave you
for the sake of my own well-being
but I no longer have to lie and tell them others you were nice to me
abuse is never nice
and you as a father weren't either

many times I have tried and many times I will continue to try
to reach for wholeness

May the weight of the small tasks as well as the daunting ones
not linger on your shoulders
may a day not be lost on you,

money may be lost, belongings may be lost
but let it not be you
–your being– that is lost or your anchor of perseverance
or your nature to lean towards the sun

and if you there are too many thoughts tied to tasks
then I offer my hands and my words as wagons
on which to place some of that weight

let us tilt towards the sun
let the day evaporate our worries as it does to morning dew

It was so hard to get here
so many months
so many obstacles
I fought so hard, dug my nails deep into
perseverance
that now, I do not know how to feel
I just know that for tonight
I must close my eyes, rest my body
and sleep

It comes in waves
the sorrow, but I have sailed those waters
many times before

It comes and I steer
despite the hard winds calling me by name
like they do with many others
out on the high seas

It comes,
this storm in my direction
and I am far from home
but I chose the boat and I took the risk
and still, I would not change a thing

I took a leap of courage and I took a leap of faith
and left fear and left pride  
for my dream was worth the risk of shipwreck
and these tides of sorrow that come and go

her little hands need you
so I quiet my mind and heart
trying to will them into submissive silence

Grace has got us in its hands there is no need to fret or be afraid
its palms surround us

I have faith in all the beautiful things this world has to offer
I have a corner tucked so deep inside my chest nothing touches it
there I keep my fire
there I keep my hope
there the light abides

Me has llevado a la celda de Cervantes
con Rocinante a tú lado
Ahí con todo el tiempo del mundo
contra el muro yo también escribiré



I will write

You have taken me to the cell of Cervantes
with Rocinante at your side
There with all the time in the world
against the wall, I too will write

It does not feel great to be last on the list
nor does it feel great to be ignored
or to be forgotten
to not receive an apology
or any form of communication

it does not feel soothing
or healthy, nor loving and not even  friendly to be treated in such manner

it feels like punishment
for being a flawed human being that regardless of mistakes deserves to be appreciated, valued and not taken for granted

If I desire to cry I sit there and cry
if the feeling of inadequacy falls over me I take it into my hands and embrace it fully. I feel the not so pleasant, so that I feel the marvelously pleasant things that living has to offer.

It is strange to feel like I am right where I belong
when I am alone with my tender mind, my malleable body and
the continuous spirit that waves to me from inside while on the outside, I am surrounded by four walls, two windows, and few belongings.

I no longer own a car, I no longer have a garden to walk out to, I no longer have pets, or trees to pick fruits from, nor grass to lay over just
linoleum wood flooring to sit on and one mug that reads "Live Happy"