I have decided that in this lifetime I must not give up
I must indeed go further in
wring out the chatter
wring out the events some might deem unfortunate
wring them until life giving water is released
enough to grow beautiful things

If she leaves tonight
the women will begin their circles of prayer and the flowers will arrive
but will not get there in time
so I sit and go within
light up candles and carve an inward path to her
I will be with her to see her through
I will have to dig deeper
for her life gave me life
and we are linked
forevermore

When I feel real sad I put on some old school salsa and make my to cumbia. I dance like no one is watching because no one is and I end up having a blast. I revert to feeling like I am 5 year old again dancing surrounded by aunts and uncles
by my cousins and friends

Tomorrow I will hike up a mountain to meet a group of monks
I will sleep at 8:00 pm and wake at 4:00 am
and repeat.
I will sit by the lake        
and freeze if I have to
the cold always makes me aware
of more than just this mind of mine

She has escaped us
reached past the bend and cracking of her own bones and left us
stretched out her hands past the copper plumbing of her mind
and made a hug glorious because it came from her
ever present her warmth rings
over this bell of a body that feels
every vibration even in death she rings through me
as does the eyes of her mother
and her mother’s mother
–their eyes have not escaped me
(they ring from the tower that I circle)

You can borrow my strength
in moments like these
you need not ask
my prayer flies off
off of the tiny mounts
that are my lips
onto you

The part of me that loves,
still loves maybe eternally
I do not argue with it

I argue with the part of me that wants to hold–the one that isn’t love
the one that perhaps wants possession, fears change, or both

I kindly tell it “ they are well taken care of, we can go live your lifetime somewhere else” but still it furrows its brow

And I understand this part of me is hurt and I look at it with eyes of love because that’s the only way it will heal
and I kiss this weepy girl :)

The glowing vase in the middle of the garden calls to us and we jump up from our  cozy spots breaking with our lower halves’ crossed legged slumber
–limbs unraveling–
picking up speed towards it as if we were  about to take off
and gusts of playfulness revitalize our endeavors
takes us and we more than willing
laugh again
our chests rising and falling in exaltation 
our breathing heavy  

the glowing vase remains far in the distance but that is not what we are really after

I came here for me
and I came this way for you
that was all

for the things that have the greatest meaning
take the biggest leaps of courage

May there be more roads that open up daily onto joy
May there be more silent moments where gratitude
takes the heart into its two hands and we become filled
with an unending warmth
because we trust ourselves
and this great unfolding to sieve us at the end of this process 
into light

And you see things for what they are
and instead of letting it break your heart
or decide to run on the hamster wheel , ride the many Ferris wheels or rollacoasters of distractions
you choose to laugh in delight because you are Human
endowed with the gift of creating  alongside that which moves through you
and gave you life
and you know you can add what you see lacks
so smile not because someone told you to girl but because you have realized you’re as mighty as any other who has graced this world
Go on if you would like and  make somethings beautiful as an offering

You see things for what they are
ever changing 
 always flowing eternally towards the infinite
you need no one to tell you this    just close your eyes (feel it)
or wait
time will try to cocoon you, over and over
in an attempt to deliver you to the infinite
you will get there
in due time
for now rejoice in your humanity

I want a garden and an upright
a little head running through the grass
I want a desk facing the window
and a glass mug for my tea
and bookshelves full of books and vinyls

I want the sunset as much I want the sunrise
I want the deep fine lines that come with time. I want it, I wish it
Ms. Adrienne Rich I know it will take all my breath, but I hope it will become my will.
Like you wrote “it will not be simple”
So at the entrance of my home
I will hang a copy of your poem above the door. And when I turn back to look at that door frame I will think of this road, of this journey to that humble abode

... I try

when clarity comes
It seems to do away with my best logic
I always thought clarity would reinforce practicality
But it doesn't
Clarity speaks truth to you whether you like it or not
It says to me “you are linked"
And I think of the great expanse between you and I
Between this earth and these stars
and I am humbled but saddened that you are not here

May there be joy in your heart
I know it’s absence and may it never leave your company
May you be blessed with the kindness of one sunrise after another, a new day after another new day
and may ease sit in your belly

It transcends me
it goes right through me
it is linked
I accept it
I will walk with this

The truth is I want to be there
I want to sieve through it all
but I right now I oscillate from functionality to the 5 seconds it takes for my eyes to redden and my nose to join it by then it is hard to breathe, sorrow is a heavy daypack

I have reached a wall in my heart, and the climbing is so hard
everyday I have to fight the inclination to recoil in pain
I know I have to summit this peak and then walk the many miles down
but I oscillate

The clothes hanging on the foldable rack dangle: socks, shirts underwear, and t-shirts. The pile that awaits to be loaded into the washer keeps nameless pieces of cloth- just a pile. The people you read about whose faces dangle in front of your screen and on the billoards outside, you can name: First name Last name, Jane Doe and John Doe, Maria Lopez y José Lopez. The people you walk besides, the crowd keeps nameless - just a crowd. But if you would turn and smile even while wearing your mask you'd know that there is no such thing as a “just a ______” and the soliloquy of life would become a fully staged production where you could be writer.

My ability to respond is limitless
walls are again down
and I know I am responsible for everything in my life
only me, not someone else
for the sweetness or lack of sweetness in my heart
from now on I ought bring my own honey with me everywhere I go
What’s inside I can make pleasant
for I chose to respond now with sweet
sweet involvement  and engagement

Venga gran claridad
tumba lo que no sirve qué necesito
construir una sonrisa
sobre mi cara
si no vivo ahorra entonces cuando

Hear me when I cannot speak to you
don’t you ever let anyone not even me make you feel like your not entitled to make mistakes

You are far too precious to think actions and events define you,
you define and give meaning to them

A life yet to come
I think this world is so beautiful  
even when most things do not go my way
I linger under a ginkgo tree mesmerized
at at how lovely the yellow leaves in winter
look against the night sky

after this lifetime –make me light
after I have emptied myself out –disperse me
.









.
I can feel how impermanent this world is
and how solid and unchanging the unseeable one truly is

I want to be light to the people I love
I want to help them to flourish
for it brings me true joy
to see others light up and blossom
I do not care if we get different things, blessed be the other person even if I sit here with empty hands
I know how to see through illusion
your joy is my own
and it also a gift to the world
kindness inspires more kindness and deep love inspires more love to seed and flourish in the world

If I could be anything I would still rush back into this body
hold it tight and remind myself how good it has been at helping me write & paint
how it has stretched
stretching its hands into cupboards  to reach for jars
stretching  its hand out to console
and to ask for help
or simply lathering my hair in the shower

I would look at the places we’ve been and thank this body who at times was my only companion” thank you for daring with me” I would say to my tiny feet

It unwraps like a hanker-chief sack
and the longing and sadness
are left on display over the squared fabric

I will let this life find me
as i walk towards trees
as I linger in front of bushes and gaze
at the grazing animals that now roam the city ever ease-fully those holding the wild in their walk, in the way they tilt their heads and decide to scavenger through parks because to them it’s just another piece of land
no name attached

I will let life bring me the moon at night
        and the sun
   during the bird’s early morning call

I will let it find me            while I undress
and while I cook
while I pray
while I sing
                                             while I forgive

              –in between all the whiles–

while I cry
while I rejoice
While I fill my own cup of tea     to the brim
at the brim of life
at the loneliest
at the most fulfilled
at any age it chooses           Life will find me
as it has always done
     And I will let it in
I will open the door
holding the **** in my hands  and a smile on my face
(...this life is not lackluster that much I can perceive)
and if it comes past my doorframe and into my expansive whiles
you must indeed bet on me because I am sure I will let it in

I love you
so I let you go
here,
beyond this
I might not be able to add beauty to your life
and I want there to be beauty for you
I do not want here to be unnecessary struggle
or shame or sadness
may your will be done

If I cannot add joy or a smile on your face
what is indeed the point
I may not be the best thing for you
so I lovingly with all my heart
let you go

human attachment released so I as a parting gift can hand you love
beautiful things will come to you
I am sure of it

eternally and foolishly,
– your cheerleader princess

I learned you have to stay on the bleacher cheering on the people
who cheer you on
that win or fail you sit there
with a towel ready to help ease their load
that mutuality is the key to growing and trust
and that deep, deep connection (that makes life worth living)  
comes from knowing they, too sit on the bleacher stand for you

Let there be beauty
Let there be forgiveness
Let there be renewal

I will look at all the lovely flowers that tilt my way and thank them for such lovely a gift is their presence
that I could cry at their beauty
at their kindness
so when I look at them I try to hold back my tears of gratitude
I can only stare at them and smile

I close my eyes and think of the warm smiles and hands of friends who have held out their open palms and lifted me

when I close my eyes I feel them
gather within me and I know I am strong because I am not alone

And I thank them for not leaving me out in the cold, alone when they could hear me struggling through the storm

I thank them for being true to their hearts
for stepping out on a limb for me
for such a love is grace received

when I close my eyes i feel warmth, peace and I have the sense that life will only get better
that this will only deepen

I hope I was as kind as possible
that I showed up when it mattered
even if it was not at your timing
and that I tried to lift you
higher
maybe in a young, shaky and clumsily way
but I sure hope it was higher

I hope I was gentle
what I do to others is already done unto me
I hope I lifted you higher
I can only hope

I never thought my wings could be so warm, could spread this far and shield everything around me in my *****
nurture and protect the little sparks of light
flickering like stars yet to grow
and transform this world
some older, some younger, some that I have yet to meet

Today is a Sade kind of day
rest and lay down over the smooth
blanket that is her voice

If there is still hope of a life to come that is beautiful, fulfilling and nourishes my the being –even through the thick wilderness of  hefty uncertainty–let it come

I do not want to suffer self denial;
if there is still courage inside
this frame of mine
let it visit me daily when I am most afraid
and remind me: I deserve joy

I can no longer write poetry
I get lost in images

I unlearned synonyms, words
how to run my fingers over verses
while reciting them to be able to tell
what is stressed and un stressed
aspired for their depths and left them at the door (as far as they could go)
so I cannot write poetry
if it lingers in a vacant lot


the last womyn in the grocery store strolled out with her cart to her car and never turned around to see she dropped her vehicles’ keys at the door

I need poetry: the keys

I have always been this way
prone to get up off the floor with a ****** nose
dusty shoulders and all
and still want to smell the daisies

In search
of true reward
I brave the rougher path

You have guided me through all these seasons
moved mountains
helped me weather storms

I have come so far from my home on your call
lead me now where I must go
I have done what I was told
and I have followed the compass you put in me
when I pray to you
sing to you
meditate to find you will you answer like you have always answered
through flickers
dreams
with serendipity
and I will be paying enough attention so as not to miss your response

You have guided me
so I cannot fear the earth’s tilt