I pushed myself, I listen to the little voice and I shed limitations
painful and uncomfortable but I learn and I grow and that this what this life is for

<<Es que nace un mundo nuevo >>
–Mundo Nuevo,Lila Downs y Alexis Puentes

Si, lo puedo sentir en la forma que siento la rotación del planeta–

Es verdad nace un mundo nuevo
y descuelga frases antiguas, y surge como contrincante
con su paz permutando toda las previas formas de comprender y operar con algo más lleno
más bello

viene erradicando fronteras
y con su amor deshaciendo los límites impuestos por un mundo viejo lleno de miedo
miedo de vivir
miedo de morir
miedo del infierno
miedo de no ser suficiente
miedo de escasez
Miedo

Se muere todo esto que perpetua el medio
y nace uno mundo nueve

un mundo lleno de amor
donde solo su calidez impeliera
y naturalmente desde nuestras entrañas surja

y no necesita que tú lo llames
este mundo viene entre nos
mira las criaturas las flores los peces y los niños ellos son el mundo nuevo igual que tú

y desde adentro toma sus manos  
tu costado
tu vida
y tú ser

es que somos el mundo nuevo

Keep him well through spring as you did through winter
as you done for years
and you have given him breath
keep it steady and constant in his being
deliver him joy
travel swift like the morning dew
and be there when the new day comes

I loosen my eyes and the suddenly the whole world appears before me
and I smile
and there is no reason
or perhaps every reason stand before me
evident, luminous, unified
that I cannot tell where it begins and where it ends
or even if my nature is separate from this joy

Some days I hold space for the tears

some people go out and buy new dresses
cut their hair
say mean things or ask “ why me?”
some find a pretty face
or a temporary generous hand

I just sit and cry
because I am just sad that is all

some go out and shop,
some drink their way to swim out their sorrow
but I don’t buy many things
and I am not a heavy drinker

I just lock myself in the bathroom stall and cry when the feeling comes on strong

some move
and some delete everything
I think everything in life is a gift
and with time I want to see this as one


some, many, people,others
do “X” who knows what the way to go
is...

...just have to let the tears fall so I feel cleansed

Oh Nina when I hear your voice from the speaker I am overwhelmed and the guards standing at door of my eyes lose their composure

“ I get along without you very well” plays and I silently cry in a coffee shop

Simply in flesh
expressing

simply like you
born into earth
breathing

simply here
for just a while
living

simply all of life
loving itself
in disguise

simply
and humbly
trying
(like you)

People say the spirit walks with them
but they are the spirit walking
and we are the flower
and we are life blooming
each capable
–just as we are–
of offering the greatest gift of joy to those who come into our lives
each of us able to take a second to stop and appreciate
each of our lives unfolding with the equal beauty

Awareness’s long encompassing skirt fits well and I twirl and run with it. spring  is here and my heart rejoices and I want to close my eyes and soak up the sun
how wonderful it is
how we all rise and regardless of yesterday and can pick the street we turn on
there is no road where life has not been
I hold the evidence in a book and I hear it through the music of others and I am calm and I am happy to be a human being even if its not eternally

The stores were open a bit later so I went to buy berries. Walking back home I turned onto my street and from the distance I saw an old man taking very small steps. He walked so slowly...when I had finally walked passed him he stopped me and asked me if he was close to a certain address. I could see his phone was out of battery. I pulled mine out and searched the address he had written down for him. With a few taps I knew he was six long blocks away from his home. I walked with him less than a block and when he noticed it was going to be very far he said thank you and kept heading that way but he was so slow and he couldn’t walk so well. It was nearing midnight and I could not let him go alone. Even if it would take an hour at his pace I would walk there with him but a taxi road by and I am fluent enough to say “take him here” and “ I will pay the fare” so hailed it down but the cab driver wouldn’t take him. He said “he’s not normal, he can cause me a lot of trouble” he wouldn’t take him. I walked with him arm in arm until I got to a bigger street there I hailed down another cab. I helped him into the taxi and asked to pay his fare. It was simple this time.

An old  man with a dead cell phone battery with a little paper medicine bag trying to get home.

Es que no se acaba esto de ser
es que continúa y atraviesa espinas
parte no en dos
pero en infinito nuestro mismo ser

Es que ahora siento las piedras a lo igual que a los árboles y una saber que soy todo me llena
y mi trabajo es ser quien soy

yo y los girasoles
amamos la luz

los girasoles y yo
retoñamos naturalmente

I am okay now with all the nights I spent longing for someone
I am okay now with trying to book flights every month only to have them canceled or delayed and spending the whole night crying in my bed until sleep got the better of me
I am okay with having set alarms in the middle of the night
just to try and show up for someone


I am okay with having trusted
I am okay with having pouring everything I could muster into sharing myself
I am okay with being that girl who really wanted to believe


I am okay with having been naive
I am okay with understanding people are just trying to get through thank and that’s okay, too
I am okay knowing that through other eyes I am the villain
I am okay with forgiveness

I am okay with what others may say of me because I followed my conviction till the very end
And I jumped
and now I understand
how wonderful free falling is

When the flowers begin to sing in spring let me hear them
when the earth exhales in contentment let my feet absorb like a tree its breath
when the wind tickles my ear
let me be able to notice it
where this is beauty
help me stop and appreciate it

even if others might think me odd
to feel this existence in such a way

when there are barriers made by men, women and locked into schools of thought let me close my eyes and seek inside the truth
let my compass be strong and unwavering

There are times when you choose
and there are times when things choose you

My heart is in healing mode
it want to sing, dance, smile and find the small delights that bring joy into my  life
it is too early to open it to anyone
my heart just wants to love itself
even more so
return to its own home
it wants glide on its own wind
roam its own forests
be sweet but not spoiling of others around it

I will construct and cultivate beauty in my life and tend to the soil to make sure I thrive

I will pay no mind or turn my head back to acknowledge those who look at my life
and wag their finger
where I see the beauty they can recoil in disgust
I do not care
if what I consider lovely
and the everlasting source of my light
they consider deformed or wrong
this world is too vast and there are many ways to live and express ourselves through it

we must make something splendid something extraordinary even if it is only significant to us

I made it
I survived
I made it through and I am stronger
I am stronger because I made it though
I survived and made my way through
It made me so much stronger
and I want be everything I am

I want to be who I am even if someone I love thinks it wild and disagreeable
I want to naturally unfold and love what I love and give what is in my heart to give

I want to be organic and honest with myself

I want with so much ardor to be there
to be there for today
to love again once my heart is empty

I want with so much fervor
to be reminded that all my elders walk with me
to settle even deeper into my being

I made it
I survived
and now what I cultivate reflects
only life’s innate desire
to flow through me

I decided I am going to be wonderful
whenever I can
and that what people say or project on me is their dealio

It is easy to forget we matter
but keep it in your eyes’ line of sight
don’t lose it among the crowd

wake up feeling full of your ever present worthiness

Again the string pulls
tugging at me
sometimes at the most random of times
like now

We talk about our cultures and I tell them I come from very expressive and outwardly loving ones

that I am hugged and kissed on the head by my older cousins male or female
that even now immersed in a different culture
when I come to consider someone a really good friend, I want to hug them and kiss them on the cheek
that I tone myself back so much!

that I was taught to be loving and direct

That I want to dance when I hear some music! Dang! Like I really, really, really wanna groove

That I struggle with perception here
because instinctively I feel:
that to not be warm
feels like someone is intentionally
being cold: a sign of indifference

and to not be direct
is intentional disrespect :
seen as if you are wasting someone’s time on purpose by beating around the bush

that I always have to stretch myself to try and understand
that I must give up my notions of what is okay
and give up what something as simple as outward displays of affection or directness mean

It means pulling myself at the seams and seeing what remains underneath all I was taught beneath the performance dance these cultures schooled me in
their religions, their power systems, their moral codes, their values

what is underneath is truly me
just as human as any other
same same in every part of town
and in every corner of the world

My friend is like water
anything and everything that comes at her
she flows with
She has been like this  since we were 12 years old aways a master of embracing without loosing her core

Today, she wrote to me She is going to try rock climbing

Maybe my purpose was just to help heal
help someone along
that’s the basis of
being here with each other

A thought of you comes as a morning breeze
May you be well
May this day be wondrous for you

I choose to believe that everything is working in my favor
and that all I need to do
is to listen and to flow
gently in the direction my being
takes me
I choose to believe nothing is wasted
and that all is nourishment
all is part of the tapestry
therefore I should thank it
kiss my past away
and linger here in my sweet present
where I can really continue to create
the conditions I seek, the life I long for
make beauty and appreciate it
make lasting bonds that will be worked on constantly until the day I die
I choose to believe I am responsible for my life and everything I experience

They are so precious
each and everyone of them
their eyes can be taught to be wide
their minds to dream
and their hands to create
how vast they are
and how needed in this world are they
when they smile the sun truly rises

I can’t think about love without cleaning my small home

It’s the way I show myself care
it not that I look at a sponge with dewy eyes

It is just that I find that keeping my mind, body, spirit & soul
and the place around it at peace is a great expression of harmony and self appreciation

So I pour all the verbs into my own life
and it slowly feels so much better
and I am in no hurry for anything

I am settled and in the rhythm of this

Wahh
I amaze my self
at the way I laugh nonstop
with my friends

how I am still so curious
and in love with learning
how I sink in deeper
and deeper until I dissolve

I have not only returned to myself
but I have leaned in further

ripening and softening
right here right now is the best
not yesterday not in some years
right now :)) and it makes me smile
and it makes me want to dance without any background music
because I have worked hard
and changed so much to be who I am
took risks, fallen and gotten back up, this heart has not been timid it’s been a steady monk
and it has circled back to now
and now is so good it makes want to shout

Light of my light
earth and firth to the sea
hold me in your hands and guide me
release through me your yearning
whisper through me
so that I may sing it in the same key of love as you


(As long as the day can use me and calls me to rise each morning hold my heart in your hands)

She would take me horse back riding through her small ranch and through town.

I remember the way men would look at her riding
my aunt’s quiet composed tough exterior
as her horse galloped through town
she was unimpaired & confident
her dad had taken her riding since small

My grandfather believed a women should be strong just as worthy and just as capable as any man
and that was unheard of in small village
but he was older when he had her and he had made enough mistakes to be wiser
a better father the second time around
and by the time
I came to be
he was soaked in spirit and soul
and he told me
to keep digging within that
that’s where I would find my treasure





He was right
My aunt and I
reek of love and it because he was


he was flawed
he was humble
And he took responsibility for how he was

and I do not want to forget him
I keep the picture of him and I
him and his white loose shirt
me and my old Led Zeppelin t-shirt

Thank you for loving me even if you never kissed me
thank you for existing even if it is not here next to me
Thank you, and I wish you well
I wish you comfort and a full heart
I wish you love and I wish you great joy

You are as bright as any star and in my eyes your, you have still got so much left to give the world and I hope you never forget, even when the going gets tough

They did not teach her her tongue
she was tongueless
mute to her past
she was taught the language of those who came and settled upon the land
seeking to own the living
breathing
slow moving earth

her half moon earrings were just hand me downs from her family
the art of her people
their prestige as artisans a quiet story tucked within the hands who made them are speechless to her now
...
Two crescent moons stacked smiling upwards–
I look for these earrings often but I cannot find them Or the fishes...or the face of her mother or the scent of Janitzio
some days I feel like that very    
                          
                          isl­and

disconnected from everything and surrounded by water
And I feel like fire burning at foot of a lake
and I want to push back the night but then all of a sudden
there are humming birds who hover over me (a shift of existence) as I become the wind under their wings
and I take after their countless legends of mermaids
Eréndira’s tears lay salty on my tongue   
and I will myself through the fright and the this plague –that bore semblance to the time her people died and dropped like flies
from small pox their bodies surrendering to disease–
to dive into this water and swim
through the vast expanse of hurt
I swim through these fictitious tales of separation
of the illusion of the “other”
of the resistance to understand and mesh cultures 
I swim past these notions of perpetuating intolerance ...
past the use of  “other”
Until I reach my own shore
my own place of being
And there I release and heal all misery
and cleanse my heart and soul

there I sink my teeth deep into this bread of words
“I will not perpetuate more sorrow in my life”

everything that is a chain
I free myself from
everything that does not love has love destined for something else
but this small beating mass in my chest
is mine to nourish and to love

I  surpasses the violence of the collision of words and I bear fruit

Something is present in this empty room
The light coming through the window adds its brilliance
to the already present luminosity that oozes from everything
in this small apartment I am calm and truly home amongst my being

Every poem I read today
made me weep
spoken word and hip hop coalesced
brought the concrete streets and grit
and pure relentless of yesterday
pushing it through my lacrimal sac

I miss her

“Who is your favorite Beatles member?”
This was a serious question as she was a self proclaimed Ringo fan, and anything Ringo related  she could get her hands on she did

Some people are just so sure of what they like
of things
of life
that they make you want to questions what you like
They’re like a strong river, and you have to make sure to keep obedient to the nature of your own flow

I remember turning towards her bracing myself to be met with vehement disagreement and saying  “ Harrison”.

“Oh, okay” she said and kept digging around in the crates filled with vinyls

We must rise each morning and welcome that sweet sensation that we have arrived
however long it took and no matter how often we lost the trail emerging from our heart towards the world
Today we sit in our bodies and we abide
calm, strong, kind and unmoving
we reveal in our beauty and we joyfully smile at all the things that brought us here
“Yes, I see you” we whisper to the throbbing parts of us
And say, “But, this life is so much more that, that I cannot let you run the show” and we reach for what makes us warm inside, all that heals us and all that opens it arms towards us in loving gratitude we thank and embrace

I am a lounging lizard
in love with the sun and the brightness of life
in small daily deepening rituals abides the warmth of my heart and a sense of gratitude to last a lifetime tenderly unfolds and continues to drape this expansive existence

When will there be no table
just people gathered in a circle

And if he does not feel the same
I would understand
but I needed to be brave
because it means so much to me
he means so much to me
everyone has got their things( their no to great traits)
but i don’t need someone to put on a pedestal that is not what I am asking for

I am asking to see you further for who you are

Surya Namaskar in the bright morning sun

every little part of me comes alive

and my fingers lift me off the ground

pressing powerfully

how wondrous are we

breathing, living, conscious beings

standing mountains

all equal

vast as the vastness

My lilied love awaken to the new day
there the small grass is growing and the glow of the day is here permeating our skin –warming us even if we are apart

My lilied love I hope you can feel me somehow in the thick light of the day
when you open your window or walk outside

My lilied love I know we are in different season of our lives but we are ripening at the same time,
soften with me into this life
sixteen years, ten years, five years, three years: the amount does not matter just  the fact that I truly love you and at the same time I genuinely like who you are
these two are uncountable

lilied love would you allow me to behold
you as you behold this day ever unfolding before your eyes

Do you believe there is no renewal?
not of the mind or of life
do you believe we don’t deserve to change
are we always to be bound to the past
instead of aided by it’s wisdom

think deep
what do you really believe ?

Today while riding the subway cart I thought “I am scared to open my heart to him again”
and then I thought “maybe he is too”
but I don’t want to be scared

So I start slow, one small step at a time
that way I will not rush or misunderstand

There are days when I want to say hello
send something I have read and share the way words or music sit on a sheet or laid  down on a track
when I want to open my rib cage and smile at you at the entrance of my door
And say “this is who I am”
  “come in”
A gift to behold you and a gift to be beheld

It could be the stars could fall on me tonight but I think they’d turn tiny if they touched the earth’s ground
where I would pick them up
and place them in a blue plastic bucket

Don’t forget your bright eyes as you tilt your head up
and that soft smile that curves over your lips when the warmth of the day penetrates
into the deepest chamber of your beating heart
don’t forget to renew your mind
there is still so much to see
and still so many moments tucked in our experience of time that gifts us this wondrous existence
and this chance to look again upon
life’s kindness
Please  don’t forget to bring them
their brilliance lights up the dark