I feel this ball of energy entering me
something has come
it has already arrived within me
announced itself
but I cannot yet see it here
in the materials world
but it is deep and makes my heart race

You tug at me
and I want to close my eyes
and tug back

Sometimes I press my hand to my chest when this feeling comes and I close my eyes
who is it?
who calls me at this time
sometimes it is my mother or my brother
sometimes my childhood friends
sometimes it feels like an older brown eyed man
each of them different strings
but when I concentrate I can work my way back to the source
I don’t know how but I don’t need to know

I have started replicating old Korean paintings of desks
I look at each line so precise but different from the others; each has got its own charm

And it radiates from your eyes
this joy and you become fuller
and your eyes girl
they become so much more beautiful not because you are right but because you are kind

Sometimes it is hard to turn towards wholeness when a society, someone, a whisper or a story has been told
and it makes you feel as though you are lacking
but every life comes into this world with its own completeness

I am strong
I am brave
I am carrying my bright light
and my life calls to me
it does not matter how much you resist change or want to put me down or get in my way

I am not in opposition of life nor in opposition of  you; everything inside of me flows like water and I listen for the direction of the stream
perhaps you are not listening
maybe you are too caught up in other things
in that case my dear girl joy is a compass and your heart sees roads your mind cannot fathom

I am not afraid
I am trusting of this world
I am well able and I do not need to cling anymore to anything in desperation
for whatever I need
to get through
I have got deep in my soul so whatever happens know you stand facing a womyn who is full and wholly
And I would always offer you my hand even after you have trespassed
I am passed the black and white notions of life, of books, and dogma, of not searching inside of me, of shutting out my own inner wisdom to conform to outer guides
I only listen my guardians when they whisper through flickering lights
you cannot bring me down
there is not down here
where my being abides

The world does not revolve around me
this earth
this multitude of people
must be nourished too
Other stories
other ways of living
so why do I deserve to have it my way


The simple answer is because everyone deserves a chance at true happiness

I care about the songs we sing to lift our spirits
they don’t have to be played in nice halls
I care about the reason for which one courageously awakes and decides to find joy in simplest of tasks

I care about the reason why you lift your head up
I care about the reason why this earth has life and how to make it thrive

I really do love him or I would it have not come so far away from my own home

I think of all the letters I wrote with so much love till the moment I got here
of all the middle of the night alarms I set to wake up so I could watch him smile and play

I just sincerely love him
and I also sincerely love myself

At a dinner conversation she said
she felt relieved to be able to touch her partner’s toe to her own on Sunday nights

She said “I don’t think you can relate”
And I stayed quiet and thought of a life lived years ago
when I woke up with you upstairs cuddled and warm
Your  mother and brother downstairs.
Holiday near Mendocino lake
where I met your cousins and uncles
driving to Bay Area because that is where you grew up and meeting your old elementary school teacher the one you had crush on

waiting for you cross legged on the roof of my car

flipping through cds and vinyls in Berkeley -Rasputin and Ameoba
grocery shopping and you towering over
always having to lean down to kiss me
It seemed like a life lived years ago but it no longer seemed to fit or feel mine so I remained quiet
that girl, that world is outgrown

Toes on a Sunday night
were a gift from a past life

They say there is no beauty there
but I want to challenge them
tell them “ here, let me lend you my eyes”
they say I do not see reality
but they do not understand that what we push for becomes reality

Dusty loving lady you are unending
and as they cringe at your smell on the subways cart I focus on your lively eyes
that are unoffended –sauntering the expansive territory of aluminum poles, glass windows and plastic seating where people sit in self-imposed hermitages or absorbed in a phones but your gaze
like that of a hawk
glides over all

The heart bows
to the sweetness that emerges
from below
and we smile

A sparrow begetting birch
soaring lightly
on the grace of wind

Lady if you were somethings else
do you think your eyes would gleam any brighter
Lady anchored to this time
do you know you are not the boat but the water it sails on
Lady if you had not knocked on the door
do you reckon the hurt of being turned away would be less
Lady who was not born a lady you are the masterful craftswomyn of the person you become
Do you think your being handed the pen before the others is something to hide
Lady with a womb or wombless you can bring life
Do you feel it deep in your bones
Lady do you realize how glorious and humanely your are

Lady if you were somethings else
do you think your eyes would gleam any brighter
Lady anchored to this time
do you know you are not the boat but the water it sails on
Lady if you had not knocked on the door
do you reckon the hurt of being turned away would be less
Lady your womb can bring life as does your thoughts
Do you realize how glorious and humanely your are

I am dizzied and confused but I want to change my life
I want to set myself up for joy
to meet me in the mornings
I want to cultivate the seeds of giving
surround myself with those who also give back
no more letting anything else make my decisions for me
I accept my power of choice
and choose what my life becomes
and dare reach for a beautiful life
not free of struggle but enriched by it

If this is where we call into being the loveliest of things
with deep intention I dare to call
a loving and joyful life
and so I start releasing fears
believing the impossible is not a satisfactory measure
that all that we cultivate and devote our time to is not in vain
it is our class and teacher
we the artwork coming together
as the willful painter places another mark
so if this is when I finally begin to more firmly draw my life let me call my lovely gems of light
my keepers of the light to aid me on this journey to the blossoming of a fruitful life

I am want to say many to you but I keep them in the corner of some obscure cloud of internet. There are some things I do not want to burden you with.
Some ideas that come and go and some that stay.
Some of them are foul
some are them are daring
all of them are human

I type words to help understand what I am feelings. Why I love, why I hurt, why reach for mending, why I need to keep changing my understanding of life, but sometimes I circle back to the same thoughts.

I do not need to be your lover or ever be your partner. I do not need the title of spouse or fling. I can be your friend and see you through in that way
But what I do need is to be fully myself

have people who can forgive me
and see my through
and love me more because I dare to try again and again

For the first time I feel uprooted
and I want to cling to the earth
I want to belong to this body

I want to search for my place of belonging
I am done hustling for affection

I want true partnerships
I do not want the fear anymore
the fear of losing you or anyone
because I came too late, was born too late
or said the wrong thing

...
Baby I deserve some real sincere
****, **** me all night, cry with me when I’m not doing well, walk in peace with me,wow lets work together to heal that, you got your life I got mine kinda love

I just want a shot at the real thing
not at illusions or romanticized stuff
I want my place of belonging only if it wants me back
...

I am going back to art and words
into creating expansive landscapes. I have the need to grow me like a lovely cactus in this desert I find myself in.


...

I reach for this very human brokenness to hold it in my arms and nurse it. I reach for the true beauty of life and for the me that can be
...
I close my eyes and see a kind hearted woman, devoted to many things, always learning always growing

I see this body boldly aged and I can my hair long and white
an elder
full of wisdom and my soul light as a feather

If I don’t fit there
I don’t, and there

I want to slide through the round pebbles
make my way softly through the terrain

If I don’t fit there
I don’t

onto the sweet nourishment of true belonging  
the corner, the lives, the dress and pair of jeans that I don’t fit into
I just don’t, and that’s that

onto loving things
onto the possibility of a hand on the ***** of my back and connections that warm the hearth of my soul
onwards with the search for true belonging

if I don’t fit I don’t
and there

We forget that we can call beauty
and if it does not arrive
we can make it
we can witness it
we can be part of it
we can choose that finally our lives deserve
to be instruments through which beauty and all loving goodness flows
authentically humanly
stumbling some days
harder than the others we devote ourselves to consciously creating more harmony within our own beings

Todavía te quiero tanto que
todos los días me pregunto cómo haz estado

Todavía te quiero tanto que
exploto
y no encuentro la manera de vivir sin ti
yo se que la existe pero no la quiero

Todavía te amó tanto
que siempre quiero disolver los grandes obstáculos
siempre quiero abrir mi boca y darte algo dulce pero me callo

me quedo con mis palabras porque
tu también tienes que poner de tu parte
pero esta vida no es fácil
y aveces te quiero esperar cien años
pero surgiría la muerte como otro obstáculo

Todavía te amó
hay un río con fuerte corriente que no solo me atrae a ti sino que también te siento dentro
como si me hubiera intentado salpicar en ti
más termine empapado

Todavía quiero tanto poder amarte
aun que seamos seres distintos
aun que seamos solo un puntito temporario
en esta infinidad

y hay mañanas cómo estás que camino hacia el mar  y al llegar desde la orilla veo el gran mar que nos divide y te veo a ti
y sonrío y se que estás  ahí vivo lleno de vida, imperfecto pero real con sangre que fluye, y muy callado con mente tan llena y te quiero gritar
te amó
nunca te olvides venga lo que venga

Y todavía te amó aunque esta sea nuestra realidad pero se si queremos la podemos transformar

All will be well
I do not know how
but i do not need to know
i am done worrying about the things
I cannot control
All will be alright
rest, the road will clear
the hours will pass
the next day will come
and life’s love for you will
blossom in your heart
the light through your window
will testify to that
curve your back and rest your head
the night calls your cheek to the pillow

Me gusta poesía en español
me recuerda a los momentos en mi adolecía  cuando my madre y yo íbamos solas a la playa
cuando mojadas nos acostábamos sobre la arena leyendo Sor Juana o Neruda

Me gustan las guitarras
me calman
siempre ha ávido músicos en la familia
para mi no es casa sin música
sin que alguien cante o toque algo
Segovia, Metallica, Violeta Parra, Led Zeppelin, Caetano, Ry Cooder, Pedro Infante
baladas, corridos, salsa, bachata, samba, cumbia
no hay alegria hasta que se libera el cuerpo sobre la pista de baile o en la cocina con una cuchara de palo batiendo el mole poblano
mi sangre mixta a heredado tantos sabores
y tanta riqueza de ideas y colores
que no cambiaria nada
me gusta a mi quien soy
y quiero seguir creciendo
y amando ser una ser humano

I write every circling thought so that it leaves me and exits
becomes its own kingdom of possibility  released like stream from a natural hot spring into the ether of the all
tethered for all time until life brings it forth
with birth
what I do is liberate
and the rest remains in gestation in the belly of life

I do not always have to do it alone
I always felt I had to but I am more open to receiving help now; I am more open to resting my head over a shoulder and admitting my own limitations
I am not ashamed of being imperfect I am blessed by it because I can see that I am just like everyone else
and I like that ordinary people can do extraordinary things together
nourishing one another for as long as skin, body, and who knows maybe even spirit goes

I know it was rough waiting
I know it must of just not seemed worth it
when the world can be so simple
easy if you just let go

I was not born here
It was not as simple as “come as I please” here there are different ways of doing business
legal matters are all in a language I am barely functional in

they were not excuses
just the reality of me
not the fantasy or the dream
but another very real aspect
of accepting me for who I am in my totality
and that description includes “a girl who is just not from here”

Every time someone I love dies I become more certain that they are the same thing: this birth and this death thing=illusions
and that time can also be added to this category because it folds
and it feels like past, present and future dissolve
they drop into a singularity
perhaps all occurring at the same time

I am loved and I should soak up the small gestures of kindness by friends and let them marinate. I am loved and able to let unkindness slide off me because it not a reflection of me; other people are my teachers. And no one can take away the love that is  already mine– everything everyone has poured willingly with into my cup. I am loved. I am a bright beautiful being and so are you.

There is warm serene tug at the center of my chest, and I wondered
what is calling out to me at this moment.

when you smile the whole words brightens
and your own roses bloom
and your love of life thickens
when you smile the sun recognizes itself on foot  
and places its warmth at the front of your hearth waiting for kind thoughts and hopeful rhetoric to push it into your fire
and when it's added, I can see the gleam
emerging from your eyes

when you smile even though it has been rough
I see my humanity in you and I smile, too

when you smile the whole world bears fruit

I trust the swirls of color and light that bounces from the window into my eyes to help me see.
I trust that I will arrive at my hearts desire and that this living is preparing for what lays ahead.

I am the maker of my destiny.
Writer, pilot, sailor of the raft;
I am responsible for my own life
for my own joy –no one else.

I need good soil; no one can do things alone. How strong you are, how bright your light remains depends a lot on the richness of the soil that nourishes you. The less nutrients in it the more you have to compost the more minerals you must add every so often to your life just to get by. And now your adding more and more –without fixing the root of the problem: you need good dirt. Yes gratitude is a fertilizer and does great things  but you need to plant yourself somewhere divine & loving.

It is just that I want to do right by this girl (myself). Nothing is worth her peace of mind and nothing is worth chasing after to the point of exhaustion. She needs true love and she needs inner fulfillment. She needs to keep her spirit oiled –and her garden nourished.

Get ready lovely being.  It may get rough and there will be some tumbling but your spirit  is strong enough and your heart is kind enough that it will love you consistently through the toughest terrain.

Nothing is a competition–I stand in my own being.

A magnet
all things meant for me
are coming

A tower
all that is searching for me
is docking on my shores

A divine mystery
all which my being longs for
arriving

You come like a warm breeze
on the shortest month
and if I could pick a birthday gift
it would of never amounted to anything as precious as your forgiveness
what you give could never be bought
and I am aware of that

Be a keeper of the light
a guardian for the beautiful things within your own heart

My my
my little pumping heart
little ocean of hope
birthing Venus over foam
my earthly tether
my Tonantzin bringing new life
into my breathe
my my
my miraculous corazon
dancing in my chest

The old woman at the shopping mall walked on the opposite side of the oncoming pedestrian traffic
and I watched how the sea of people parted so I followed her lead
she was Poseidon commanding the seas
this petite halmoni

someone who sent those loves songs
could not show affection any other way

“are they okay ?” always whirled over my head
passages from books, illustrations, podcasts, songs, essays, interviews and articles were always  my way of trying to offer something
“was I okay?”  

things will be okay
“life goes on”
and it is what we decide
to make of it
from this moment on
onwards with joy as a compass

let your heart settle down, let your years sink in
let the beauty within your heart cleanse you “you are human” and your being loves you for it

There is no need to put yourself in harms way anymore
no need to try and figure out what you can say to make it better for someone else’s comfort
no need to always try
and try
admire the flower that grows in winter
the same way you would admire the one that flourished in spring

I know I am a distant breeze. And though I wish to come close to you I think I am better off far trying to build a loving life
where I no longer run after you
no longer run after what does not want me

I know I am distant scent
And although I wish to reconcile
and laugh with you
I think I am better off trying to mend myself and build more staircases to my other dreams
where I can find my joy in being of service to others
where I do not run after anything
but instead wander into the right rooms
and truly find that which appreciates me
for being what I am

I know I am just on this earth for as long as this body lasts
And although I wish I could travel the world non stop to see myself in all others
for now I am better off appreciating the small womyn who stares back at me from the bathroom mirror
she too is sacred

distinção bela
sou em este corpo uma floresta
onde a vida brota e foge
minha beleza é profunda e verde