when you gave it your whole heart the
baked porcelain shards you picked up from the kiln
tell you
there really was so much there
too much
so much moisture that it expanded too quickly
too fast and you exploded
landed over by the thermocouple
hit the reflective coding at the top of the kiln and
was hurled down to the corner
that pieces of you even hit the center, too
and that others landed over the vases other artists had fired along with yours to bake

your whole heart did not rip or break: it blew open


fell into every part of the kiln, ate space and unwillingly
in a burst realized  expansions

It is just that when I close my eyes I see purple and I
understand that we must not feel disconnected for our souls that is definition of a life squandered


It is just that purple was my grandmother’s favorite color
and I remember her singing to me
and I remember sleeping overnight over
over a stiff hospital chair
the times after being released from the hospital when I would sit with her for half an hour and gently peel off the medical tape- when skin is old it is very gentle and it takes tenderness and warm water to soften the glue


It is just that the world can have my love
and my life
and my disguise
it just I see purple when I close my eyes
and  I am done

and beginning
at the same time

gender constructs, piety, nationality, “goodness”  these frameworks I live in are unquestionable for in their deviation there lies true reason of  “understandable” ostracism “yeah of course, how dare they?” & “who do they think they are”  
I thank them for where they have brought us but that is not where we are going it is only where we have already been

This beautiful teeming orbit is not ours to take care of
it is us
“We breathe together”
it is inseparable
you and I
, it –our fate the same

I want life to flourish
and so earth must sing
i want a shift
a second coming of a loving consciousness
not as some man or some messiah (stop limiting divinity to human figure)
but to have us recognize it in the entirety of life in its miraculous omnipresent light that indeed does shine permeating all

I think of my shrink
and think of my friends
and I think of everyone
who told me to erase someone from my life
to be brave
but now I understand
forgiveness is greater
and that I should always trust my heart
no degrees in human psychology ,no pep talks, no one else’s guidance will do
at some point your being is your only compass

Can you grow
can you expand and use your past as the bricks laid down to build you
and can I meet you again then
because I do not want the past
“ can you embrace growth and change”
can you embrace humanness
let it be a long arc bending towards
beauty, joy and depth

There in my hands is the summer solstice
with its prolonged warmth
my midsummer dream tilts closer to the sacred
the Tropic of Cancer
and the flowers dance honoring the sun
and although is wish to dive into the past
I must be brave
there are better things
brighter things
things that will bend naturally towards my light

“That is how they are”
they are? That is how we are if we had been raised here
that is how we are if we would of had their upbringing that is we

there is no “they” ...” they” allows you to be a selective towards which people you care about
turning on and off your heart and compassion

How do you raise a strong being
with a resilient spirit

you raise them knowing they are cherished
and just as divine as the plants and the animals and everyone around them

they will carry it with them throughout their entire life


and when someone tries consciously or unconsciously to grasp for control and power at they expense of their opinion, authenticity and their light

they spirit you helped raise will feel
the drastic shift in intention
they will feel the thickness of manipulation
and rest on their anchor of self in that  love and cherishment you showed them abides eternally with them

And having arrived at that open never ending space they will calmly
turn towards the words of control and say “no”
simply and confidently “NO”

In a deeper way
in a more wholesome one
I understand
you cannot teach someone
what you yourself have not learned
or what you yourself do not allow
Joy
Freedom
Self love
love of the others
Gratitude
Devotion
And the endless list of qualities and states of mind continue

you cannot pass down and teach what you yourself do not know
what you do not surrender full heartedly too
it is not in your hands to hand down
it is not flowing through you

you must step back
re-approach yourself and learn

I sink my finger into your skin
and my words into your soil
and ask that you simply slow down
  enough to see the blossoms over me  
   How they rest in equal quantity
within the fleshy tenderness of my human life
   our shared pulse can be felt by putting your hand
over your own heart...
    that is us together, that is us
      –life

It does not sit right with me that any baby girl
Might inherent this world as it is
That “this” is what we choose to uphold
That “we” collectively hold each pole in place
And try to cover it with a tarp and call it a an exquisite
Manifestation of a world
That small limited obstructing vision of what we should camp through live in
It does not sit right, so reach inside of me and with my two hands
And unzip my mouth
Might who choose to present as girls in live in a better and kinder world

They grip at me  
Two fists snuck into an envelope of soft words
I get “Adjust” instead of its harsher
commanding counterpart “change”
(“comprise”  is in absence in this conversation)

But I see my grandmother smiling
And great grandmother dancing
And all the womxn that have made me
appear from behind the mesquite
emerging from the thick wilderness of time
to transcend
to bear naked their wisdom and  grant me their heart

Their dance swirls within me
Their smile leaps
reaching through flesh
like a ray being emitted from my inner cove
To materialize over my face

And I can sit calmly and confidently
Smile And say “no”
“You cannot dance with me.
Go!”

if there is
if there is
If there is all the things that thrive within the being
those that never die, those that perdure untouched, uneffected by the outside lores
then there is always the presence of forgiveness
the room for second chances
and there is return

It is their eyes–
everything around me I want to nourish until it is bright
and full of it’s own loving light
–shining through

My little home with its little desk
juxtaposed with my big desire to live deeply in my skin
and just cherish this
this
these tiny hands
this, this real and very precious life
this that is me
is cherished
I start with this
this me
this growing, stumbling
precious being
this me
that extends to this precious cherished you

Who knows if it would be advantageous
if I could shake it off like a dog this cold wet sorrow
that shows up
who knows
if I ask a child
they might indeed
will give me wise and honest counsel
(maybe they know)
the simplest answer
could be buried under a mountain
of fears, of conditioning, and adult foolishness

the solution might be simple

Tender I sit at the side of the road
this lane that house
the many people that live in tents or sleeping bags in subway stations
the youthfulness
the way I cannot close this hatch
the way I cry when I see someone else cry

the way I say no and hold my ground even when they tell me
I must not be honest “speak like a politician” the ways in which they find me wild are the ways in which I refuse to refuse my own heart and soul

I sit tender at the side of the road

My heart rests languid and full of sorrow
I could never read his mind

and he never shared his thoughts
and I circled like a bird over and over
over and over

dizzy and dizzy
and dizzy with my unrequited love

never did he allow me to land

Someday you gotta take a wild chance on you
Stop  looking at only the negative
make neurological pathways to condition in you the positive
everyone deserve a life that can be loving, light and beautiful
despite the loss, the uncertainty and the impermanence

Today, or tomorrow,
or whenever you are ready take a wild chance on you

If you tender world can soften
I can soften
into this fragile living and dying existence

I can soften when I reach the edges of myself and meet my limit and my doubts
I can soften when my hands want to grasp tomorrow or reach back towards the past

I can soften and sit with everything within me

We can soften to our humanity
we can soften into our beauty
we can soften into our imperfection
and become more loving
simply by meeting the edges and softening
softening
softening and taking one step over the water

If you can soften
I can soften
into this

I can soften when I reach the curb
and meet my floating sorrow at the surface of the lake
I can soften when my hands want clench and have them remain open
I can soften and sit with everything inside  me

We can soften to our warm trust
we can soften into the best version of ourselves
we can soften into our the knowing nothing is certain  
and become more loving
simply by meeting the edges and softening
softening
softening and taking another step over the water and softening

I can see that my heart
is held in kindness
and so is yours

and that although I cannot express
myself to you
I know every thought we nourish and every hope we
release
in the name of a more loving existence
for a more harmonious world
seeps into us all

and I can see how your heart wishes to open
how hands are wider when their fists unclench

Soy poeta disfrazada con una arcoíris
soy energía colorida
riza contagiosa
y amó los sonidos raros
y beso a la música alta por traerme placer

After the storm there is peace
Incomprehensible peace

Everyday is a new day and if we can drop all the stories that limit us
and confine us
then it can truly be a new beginning

we are always a day away from a more profound life
from reaching my again courageously to the things we thought were lost to rekindle and renew to offer ourselves the possibility of joy

this is our human superpower, tender gentle and graceful we are despite our worst acts

Aqui el corazon no cuenta

pero para mi el corazón manda

Yo vengo de culturas donde todo

trataron de borrar y dejar en el olvido

donde una forma de vida fue destruida

y cuando te queda nada

y no tienes pertenecías

y tú juventud se a ido

te queda solo el corazón


Por eso es que el mío manda

Some days the sadness hits me like a train
but that is okay
when you dared to love deeply the sadness should hit you like train or a semi
and there is not way around it you must just feel your way through it and learn and grow kinder

Quiero leer la literatura de la onda
quiero asomarme en otro mundo

Opera and Pansori are like the olympics of singing

60's and 70's Latin American rock
EL extraño del pelo largo
Spinetta
Pedro Aznar
Hay tanto y quiero escucharlo todo

4 hours = about 4 albums

whether you have someone or no one you must always hold your own

nothing can hand you that
no one can gift you that

There has always been something very shy about me
that made me stop and look at plants and sense the trees
be around other quiet things
there has always been something too painfully shy in me that when it matters most I cannot speak
it is not that I stop feeling it’s just that I am overwhelmed with so much that I feel dizzy and flustered

I see it now
it is a slab of concrete that I have to break slowly through

How do you transform anything
now I know only with love

Who are they ? What does their front door look like ?


My friend could not sleep all night
she spent it crying
“It hit home for me” she told me as we rode back home on a bus
eight people shot dead in Atlanta at a spa
her words, her sadness and her fear for her parents
I could only listen and cry with her
somethings are too horrible
too sorrowful

What are their stories? What lives did they live?

Some morning I just want to cleanse my being and cry
cry and let it all roll
out

I do not want to control anything or tell the sun where to shine I just want to feel the sadness so whenever I feel the I sun I can stop and soak it in

I do not want to ask to be loved because I already am I just want to feel it
feel it as I walk down the street (on some days it’s stronger the earth brims with love)

I do not need to stop loving anyone  I just need to love them so much more that their is not just some freedom in my love but complete freedom and no more holding anyone back because I love myself and I know how much of a crime that can be

You are not an object to hold onto you
you are living breathing being
you are not at fault for anything
I understand the way life flows
it seeks constant renewal
it is in constant change

I honor the little things inside of me
I go around barefoot over the sandy expanse of my mind and body and soul
and pick each of their lovely gifts up
as if they were shells and place them in a little bucket and I walk some more until I get to my home. There I can sit; my legs spread wide so I can place the bucket between them and take profound look at each shell one at a time.

Tomo los retoños de primavera y los siembro en mi hombro
tomo las hojas que nacen pequeñas
apunto de volverse sobra sobre mi
y las cultivo al lado de mi pecho abierto
tomo todo lo bello que se asoma
en cada minuto dentro del día
y con ello procedo a lo que es
y a lo que aun día será

We all make mistakes it’s a “tell me yours and I will tell you mine” kind of deal
Its not about not making mistakes its about fessing up to them
No matter if one is a week late, months late, years late, or decades late

Mind of mine I brought you some rubber gloves, a bucket and some soap. Mind of mine we must dust and rearrange; I know change is hard but bear with me. We must make it a little nicer since lots of our time is spent here. Mind of mine we cannot quit as we get older we must continue to reach for growth, and yes relax a little more. But right now we gotta clean so put on your rubber gloves it’s time!

The river is the home where the well soothed water flows
and it runs with a purpose: to the sea
It is no longer frozen in its own block somewhere up in the mountains
it is no longer isolated in a small lake

it has taken the best course to find the greatest vision of itself: the ocean  
watch the water flow by and watch her flow with it

I can bear the weight of my own light

in it rests my being

when I am there
there is no need to listen I move within it
and with it
and I know where I should go
when I listen to the path my life wants to take
and I honor its pull it leads me to next right place which is always now

I do not believe in cutting down the wilderness within a girl

I let the one that wants to stomp, stomp around
I let the gentle ones speak softly and or nod their heads to say yes

I watch them carefully each one so different that  I am careful not to  throw fire into a cool river or more wood into a blazing fire
I watch them because then I can can truly point them down the footpath that leads to their own doorstep  

I am present with them so that I can tell when the one that stomps has had enough

I am observant so that when gentle one is too gentle I can metaphorically hold their hands and lower my voice and ask them to tell me what they truly think

I must be attentive with them all
with their energies with their natures with their way of being

they are wild in their own way and I want them to keep it but not be limited by it
I want them to be what they are but also grow into fuller forests that when any being beholds them they feel a wholesome richness because they never lost it

How should I have felt
How should I have acted
I moved across the world
left everyone I loved


How should I have handled it
when I left the second closet empty
and the half of the bathroom cabinet
half the living room empty

how should I have felt ?

should I have felt okay


how should I have felt ?
Do you know ?
Can you tell me ?

What do I do with this love in my chest:
I let it roam the room because when it is stuck inside it feels repressed, and I hear it when I come back from work banging on the door

Some days it shows up on one of my walks
and I let linger by my side
I acknowledge it so
I speak to it “ this is a normal part of getting older isn’t it ...the getting your heart ripped out, right ?”
it answers “ only metaphorically”

Sometimes it’s an unexpected coffee shop song that like a lamp that is stroked three times lets the genie out
“Make three wishes” it utters in my direction

“First that only good comes of this”
“Second, that there be light which illuminates him for the rest of his days”
“ three: that this makes me a kinder human being”

I choose what feels good to me
what feeds my spirit and makes me stronger
I continue to reach with the fullness of my heart forth
and I do not silence that little voice because that is violence against myself;it harms me and then I am no different from someone else who hurt me.

There is always hope to lift us in the morning hours and gently guide us
quietly without a word

Hope that presses against us like a little purring cat
like the penetrating ray of light
that comes in through the window
and bathes the whole room

There is always hope

and if we have it and we add to it courage
then there is no need to despair
we can change anything
how lucky are we that a few decisions
can bring about inner change
and in turn outer change to

I pushed myself, I listen to the little voice and I shed limitations
painful and uncomfortable but I learn and I grow and that this what this life is for