Come sit with me on a bench
I long to ask you how you have been
but we could as well just sit in silence
and that would be enough

A loving presence that holds everything
and has room to hold everything I feel
       I try to shift to this
slowly with practice with devotion I will get there
i am creature of habit and devotion
i will get there

I sit in front of a glistening lake
so beautiful but so deep
I am almost scared to reach in further
so deep down that I tremble
but I want to look deeper at myself
I don’t want the things I push down to rule me so I do not wait for them instead I call them
“ what ever abides there within, rise so that I may hold you. I am stronger now and kinder and my compassion is wider. Now, I can truly see you. Please, come. “

How do we start from here
from this new expansion
from the rawness
from this cleansing
that rubbed too hard it left red marks over my skin
so deep in my being I will never forget
How do I lean into love more and stop turning towards sorrow
how to accept the warmth and let it cover me once more
for I deserve once more, twice more, and an infinity of more

We can love people that do not love themselves
and we see the mirror
I did not love myself

If I did why would accept that sorrow
do I not know avoidable sorrow is not okay

did I feel okay with countless suffering
why, how did I absorb this behavior
was it in the way my father drank away his sorrow
was it in the tv programs that said I had to always be a good girl and be sweet even if it cost me my own well being

Where ? Was it from my mother who thought it was best to raise her kids with a man she did not love anymore because that is “stable”
they were never stable
two separate stable ones would of been better

was it them or the world
who knows
but I wept because I did not love myself
because I was not taught
the relationships around me did not show me this and so I lacked it

I get up and make sure that I take a short walk. Any direction is the correct direction.

And all the feelings I have wanted to vanquish because they  seemed crippling, selfish, guilty and sorrowful walk like little children next to me

I pick them up and carry them
in my arms
we make our way around the neighborhood
holding them I can see they just are
like the trees above and the ground below
they just are
and they need to be honored
with a sacred prayer, with a ceremony, with a story of creation
a Popol Vuh

a pen is not present
to take out my phone and type, type , type

“The first four feelings...”

I just love someone
I just love someone
I just love someone
And  I accept it

And I accept that they cannot accept me